Why I Keep A Blog

I have chills. CHILLS, I say! Note that this excerpt is from 2004!!! Full post is in the link, but this excerpt is the amazing, AMAZING, relevant part! Well, at least it is to me... Part of why I keep a blog is to document these very things. If I had not had this documented, I would never have realized that some part of me "knew" about an event that would happen THREE YEARS later!

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

DREAM

I dreamt last night that I had discovered a new love for someplace in Europe, but I am not sure where I was. I have never been to Europe in my waking life. I was much younger in my dream, which has never happened before. I always dream of me as either non-age specific or my current age, but in this dream I was just about 20 years old. Apparently, I had gone to this place in Europe, then had left to go back to the States. I guess I had just returned again to Europe and had worked really hard to be able to come back. I vaguely think there was someone there whom I had fallen in love with and had vowed to return to him, but now I couldn't find him. I remember walking down this lovely, quiet street and feeling so alone, but so happy to be back at the same time.

All I can say is... WOW. What the fuck part of me knew THIS PARTICULAR story about my life THREE YEARS before it happened!??? This isn't the first time this has happened, but it is always chilling to me. This is the first time I have browsed back through my blog in a long time.

The irony is that this entry was three days after Nick dumped me in 2004.

Seems I was already looking for Jip in three years in advance, and feeling the loss.

NOTE: I'm not done reading through my archives, but a couple of days later in that year, I have a post about my having a dream about sharp pains in my chest, having to massage my chest to help relieve it, and being told by someone that my "heart had been scarred." I wonder if this relates to the pneumonia.

Wow.

vlog: OUT n ABOUT in DAM SQUARE

DAM SQUARE
Originally uploaded by PHOTOMO

Yesterday was a wonderful day of being out and about with Jip and Ankie, his mother! Although I move about like a little, old man and I lose my breath regularly, at least I am moving and functional in the world again! YAY!

We went to Amsterdam's China Town to try to find some herbs and oils that are good for the immune system. We then went to lunch and sat outside under the awning during a downpour that changed quickly to sunshine and breeze again. I love that about Amsterdam weather.

We then walked through DAM SQUARE, which is a huge tourist convergence similar to my New York's TIMES SQUARE. Below is a video of Jip and Ankie saying hi (particularly to NICK!) and a nice spin around DAM SQUARE to share with all my pals!

Eventually, we made it to THE AMERICAN BOOK CENTER where I looked in vain for something to read. I just couldn't find anything and by this time, I was getting exhausted and even almost passed out.

AMERICAN BOOK CENTER

I bought a Writing Magazine to keep me inspired, but my time was running out so Jip and Ankie made sure I got back to Centraal Station so I could get the subway home, alone. They went on to see Jip's brother perform in a band, but I just couldn't go.

CENTRAAL STATION

So here's the little video of Dam Square with Jip, Ankie, and me!

One Minute Wanders: OUT n ABOUT in DAM SQUARE from CocteauBoy on Vimeo

vlog: HOME AGAIN!

Boy, it feels great to be back home, again! My first night was really disturbing and exciting at the same time, because I had been feeling so good when I left the hospital, but upon settling in for the night, I found it much more difficult to breathe, walk, and pains started growing in places I hadn't noticed before I got home. Apparently, it's quite normal to have a first couple of nights of a sharp drop in strength upon returning home from a controlled environment. Knowing this really helped me to endure.

Other things that add to the shock is just the change of ease from living in one hospital room vs living in an apartment. For instance, as part of the design of our apartment, I have to go down a tight spiral stairs to get to the bathroom, so when completely weak and out of breath, this was a very daunting journey.



Of course, the best part of ALL of this is that my health is returning (slowwwly, but surely) and that I am home with my boyfriend where we can finally collapse into the reality that we are not going to lose each other anymore over this. Those were some painful and terrifying days for both of us and now we just get to experience the relief and the patience for my recovery. I am really lucky to have him in my life. I hate being dependent and completely reliant on someone for the simplest things, so this is a real challenge for me. It's also a challenge for him since he's never had to have someone so dependent on him. Somehow, despite some minor grouchiness at times from both of our parts over this challenging adjustment, we both know what is important in the end and we have to trust and love and endure... and we do. Because we really do love each other beyond all of this.

So here's a little vlog to show you my skinny lil body and that I am walking and talking and being as normal as I can be within a few days of having been in a coma and almost dying! Yeesh, as much as I wish to be better NOW, it is still amazing to me that I am in this good of condition after such a shock of last weekend. Wow.

We can be amazing creatures.

ONE MINUTE WANDER: Home Again! from CocteauBoy on Vimeo

vlog: THE COMEBACK!

In comical honor of Valerie Cherish from the most-excellent, short-lived series "THE COMEBACK!" I am posting my last vlog from the hospital! Originally I thought I would be leaving tomorrow, but I am leaving today! Despite my near-death experiences, coma, and need for serious patience in recovering over the next few weeks, I still have my humor and love! YAY!

For those who don't know Valerie Cherish, you should really buy the series. AMAZING! I still laugh about several of the moments of genius comedy brought to it by Lisa Kudrow. This little vlog just made me laugh and happy to do because I am mimicking her trying to be "natural" as she made her reality tv statement that she was ready for her comeback!

So am I! YAY!

ONE MINUTE WANDERS: The Comeback! from CocteauBoy on Vimeo

vlog: Contemplative Recovery

Contemplative Recovery
Originally uploaded by CocteauBoy

Doctors and Nurses have expressed amazement at my recovery since leaving Intensive Care! I may be leaving the hospital in a day or two! YAY!


ONE MINUTE WANDERS: Reporting in on Recovery! from CocteauBoy on Vimeo

vlog: OUT OF INTENSIVE CARE

I can't write a lot right now, but I was able to get access to the internet and my laptop today so I could send out a big love vlog to show that I am recovering. I have serious double-pneumonia, which is now gone, but my body's immune system collapsed and I spent a long time in the hospital. The past few days were with my being in Intensive Care in a coma on a respirator, because I could no longer create oxygen on my own. I am very lucky and happy to be alive. I hope the worst of all of this over, but I should still be in the hospital for another week or two as I regain my strength and learn to breathe on my own.

I can't thank those of you enough who have stuck through this with me and have sent to me cards, thoughts, good energy, healing, etc. I really needed it. I still do and I hope you keep me with you in your happy thoughts.

I know I look really awful in this video and I have lost about 30 lbs, but at least I am feeling healthier and can walk a little and speak easily. YAY! My spirits remain high!

LOVE YOU ALL

ONE MINUTE WANDERS: Out of Intensive Care from CocteauBoy on Vimeo

vlog: HEY CHICKENS!

Yesterday on my way to Jip's play, I found an abandoned boat along the canal with some strange birds making a little home for their family. I thought you might get a kick of of this:

One-Minute Wanders: HEY CHICKENS! from CocteauBoy on Vimeo

And for those who don't know me very well, I call any bird I see on the street a Chicken; even the pigeons. I just think it's funny. I like to make myself laugh.

Heh heh...

vlog: LOVE FEAST

Oh, rather than wait until I have the time and focus for a big post, I like getting these One-Minute Wanders up for everyone. The feedback really helps me feel close to everyone, so thank you for that!

In this episode, Jip introduces me to his favorite snack shack during a little special outing together, and we prove that we are too fancy and gourmet for most people. So grab a napkin and pull up a chair! Wish you were here!

One-Minute Wanders: LOVE FEAST from CocteauBoy

More in-depth coverage coming soon!

vlog: THE PERFECTION OF CHAOS

I have a very big blog entry coming up, but I did want to get this One Minute Wander up here to share.

This is a typical intersection in Amsterdam. This intersection isn't even really that bad, and to capture the multitude of directions for which a person has to be aware just can't be captured on my little camera. I think you will get the gist, though. I adapted to it pretty easily, but I do feel lucky that I have had my many years of New York experiences to prepare me. I feel so bad for the tourists who aren't used to anything more than a single car at an intersection. Be sure to keep your eye on the tourist looking dumbfounded and confused, checking her map, with her big fanny pack, who almost gets killed by the trolley that comes out of nowhere!

One-Minute Wanders: THE PERFECTION OF CHAOS on Vimeo

Homesick in a Place I Can Call Home

I've only been here three days, but homesickness just hit.

I had a slight panic yesterday that was exactly what I had anticipated would happen. It was just this realization that I AM ON ANOTHER CONTINENT! It's this claustrophobic feeling of not being able to just get on the subway to reach a friend, or just to make a simple phone call, or take a road trip to family. Everyone is SO FAR AWAY!

It's alright, though. It's pretty normal, as far as I'm concerned. And I am glad I anticipated it, because that allowed me to treat myself more gently and kindly, rather than freak out with shock and reaction.

Yesterday, I wandered around "downtown" Amsterdam and was really surprised at how emotional I got. Some parts were so touristy that it was not really much different from being in an irritating part of Manhattan, where I love it and hate it at the same time, but then I would turn down a narrow street of crooked, gorgeous buildings and feel such a sense of remembering. Not since I found New York City did I ever feel the kind of "oh my god, I'm home" feeling until now.

I absolutely know that reincarnation exists. I've had enough experience with this subject to prove its validity to me, even if I don't really know how it REALLY works; I do know there is enough evidence to at least convince me that the concept is legitimate, even if some of the testimonies and research isn't. There are reasons I say I know reincarnation is valid, but I will go into those another time. For now, I just wanted to mention it because the "remembering feeling" I have in being here in Amsterdam is pretty powerful.

When I turned down a few of those streets, I felt home.

I felt like I was collecting parts of myself left here from ages ago. I've had that feeling of remembering with several people in my life (including Jip), but only once for a PLACE. I had a brief experience of this in Tucson, AZ (but I think it was associated with the person there, not the place), but New York City wins, hands down, for being a PLACE I love as much as I would love a person. It looks like I may be adding Amsterdam to that tiny list!

More observations, later! And Pix!!

VLOG: Out My Window & The Euro

From where I am staying with my bf, the sounds of children playing dance through the air to bring a lot of spirit, the chirping of birds makes it feel like there is no way to have a bad day, and the smell of flowers forces you to close your eyes for a moment and simply be present. My experience is of such a peace, so far, and I wanted to share that with you as best I can.

This first video is a view from the window. I could have done this better from the balcony, but I happened to be looking out the window and spontaneously recorded what I was seeing.

One Minute Wanders: OUT MY WINDOW on Vimeo

In this video, I introduce you to the Euro from my inexperienced American angle. I don't MEAN to be such a dumbass, but I am pretty new at being the foreigner, so everything makes me giddy and things that are taken for granted by locals seem exciting and inspiring to me!

One Minute Wanders: THE EURO on Vimeo

Introducing: ONE MINUTE WANDERS (the vlog)

I've decided to document my adventures in Amsterdam through Vlogging (video blogging), so you will now find these videos occasionally! Since my memory card is so small in my camera, I can only create one minute videos (approx), so I decided during this video to create "One Minute Wonders" for my blog! But then, I liked the idea of One-Minute WANDERS better, hence the creation of this collection of videos! YAY!

For those receiving this feed in email or through a feedreader, the videos may not come through, so just use the convenient links provided.

In this video, I have just arrived, feel very tired, sick, have a massive headache, which you can tell by the way I am talking so tightly, trying to minimize the effect on my head.

One-Minute Wanders: First Day in Amsterdam on Vimeo

In this video, I am LOOKING even worse, but I was feeling better...

One-Minute Wanders: First Purchase in Amsterdam on Vimeo

The Heart That Flies Never Dies

Well, here I go...

Part of me is in absolute disbelief and shock, while another part of me is happier than ever! I can't believe I decided to make this huge change and then... DID IT! I don't know why I would even be shocked; I always do this.

Follow your hearts, everyone. Keep your wits about you, but follow your heart. It's the most aligned part of you that you have with the universe. It may lead you into confusing and terrifying places, but that's your head trying to make sense of something that really has no logic. There is always meaning and beauty to be found in the places your heart lead you, even if your mind tries to trick you into thinking you've made a "mistake."

There is no such thing.

If I had used logic as my navigation through this, I would find evidence of far more reasons NOT to go than to go; not that the evidence would even be accurate, just easier to find because when you focus on what makes sense, what is tangible, it will always be evidence of where you've come from, not about where you are going. What's around you is what you've created already, so if I had no concept of my moving to another country, that's what I would find... no evidence to support how that could possibly be true.

The intangible future of my creation comes from my desires, my heart, the perceptions that bypass logic and proof, moving into a rare place of creative effort, playful trust, and honest choice.

Yes, I may crash and burn on the plane; I may find this doesn't work in the way I may ultimately imagine; I may be immediately rejected; I may fall flat on my face... but from even those potential experiences, it is up to me as to how I deal with it, and I will NEVER regret following my heart. I never have.

So, there are no guarantees. There is only CHOICE. And I chose this. I created it. I own the responsibilities involved, and I will make new choices as my experiences unfold.

Okay then... here I go...

This is my last blog entry from inside the United States... for a while!

See you on the other side with a whole new adventure and entries about my impressions of Amsterdam, Europe, and my life's potential there.

XOXO
Troy

PS. Please see previous blog entries for ways to keep in contact with me directly and please consider a donation to help keep me from starving. I'm taking big risks, but it's also an investment toward more love and adventure on the planet! YAY!

KEEP TROY ALIVE!

KEEP TROY ALIVE!
The Amsterdam Fund Project
Please make a donation to help keep Troy alive and fed while he transitions from America to Amsterdam.

ANYTHING will be helpful.

Thank you so much!!

Please consider one or ALL of these social networks online to help me stay in contact with you more directly while I am in Holland:

FOR THOSE WHO REALLY WANT TO REMAIN REALLY CLOSE TO ME:

JOIN FACEBOOK and connect with me @ http://www.facebook.com
Once you are a member, please find me as CocteauBoy or search for me using Troy@TruthLoveEnergy.com

You can then join the private COCTEAUBOY LOVES YOU Group at FaceBook and everyone in the group can keep in direct contact with me that way! This group connection will allow us to share videos, blog entries, comments, support, links, details, private and personal messages, etc. and f you use FireFox, you can even download the FaceBook Toolbar from the FireFox addons so you can be alerted to any and all activity related to your account!



AND EVEN MORE for the serious friend!

JOIN TWITTER:
http://www.twitter.com is a simple, simple user profile that only asks one question: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? This can be updated at any point during your day and all people within your network are then alerted in various real-time ways (including TEXT MSGING!) as to "what I am doing!" If you check out my blog at http://www.SugarHiccupHiccup.blogspot.com, you will see the Twitter Widget in the side column is always updated!

FOR additional connection, or as a milder alternative to FaceBook:

JOIN MYSPACE and add me as a friend through http://www.MySpace.com/CocteauBoy! When you belong to MySpace, PLEASE SUBSCRIBE to my MySpace blog so you can leave comments to keep me company: http://www.blog.myspace.com/cocteauboy YAY!!

For those who just wish to hear the basic updates, but not to be signed up for a network, please subscribe for my SugarHiccupHiccup Blog entries to be sent directly to your inbox and make sure you comment and keep me company as I document my adventure!

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Troy

Next Stop: AMSTERDAM

It never EVER occurred to me that I would ever visit Europe, let alone LIVE there, so it goes without saying that I am just as much in shock over my announcement as any of you may be:

I AM MOVING TO AMSTERDAM!

WHAT THE!!?? you say?

This move was prompted by a long journey through situations, scenarios, and synchronicities that had to have all come together in culmination of my choosing to move to another country. Many of the situations and scenarios are things I have bitched about in this very blog, that are now clearly a part of a larger pattern leading me to Amsterdam. I imagine this all began falling into place as part of my breakup from Clem and my distancing from Cyprus. If I was closely connected to either of these two, I would never fathom this choice.

As it stands, these two major falling out scenarios led me to two very important factors being in place:

- space created in my life to move about however I choose, without any negative impact on anyone (besides my American friends missing me, which is heart-breaking!)
- being free from any intimate relationships (i.e. boyfriends) so that I could find myself open to the surprise of my life with a rather old relationship that took on a new spin!

Yup, I have a boyfriend. Yup, he's Dutch. Yup, he lives in Amsterdam. Yup, I'm kinda going on this journey for the sake of following my heart. I like following my heart. It's taken me to far-flung places in the world, inside and out. And I'm not about to start ignoring this incredible navigational tool I have for my life, so...

Over a year-in-the-making, I finally discovered that I am in love with someone I only ever expected would be one of my dearest, long-distance friends. It's the 21st Century, so most of you probably no longer roll your eyes at the idea of "meeting" someone online with whom you eventually develop a strong, loving rapport, but I'm also not ridiculous enough to take that relationship to a place of fantasy. No matter what one might form as a relationship with someone online, it is essentially a relationship with your IDEA of who that person is, not necessarily a relationship with that person. So, none of this ever occurred to me as anything more than a beautifully modern connection with a beautiful soul overseas.

And then he came to visit.

Even then, I was resistant. I was unconsciously avoiding even having contact with him. I was "busy" and I didn't really want to deal with all of it. Upon his arrival, he stayed his first night with an acquaintance of his, and I thought I might be able to see him MAYBE once or twice, but, you know, I was "busy," so probably not.

And then he called me.

And he asked very strongly if he could please stay with me. I immediately, without hesitation, said YES! To this day, I do not know WHY I said it without hesitation. Anyone who knows me knows that I hem and haw and say that I need to check my schedule or think about it, etc. I never just say YES! But I did.

I went to pick him up at our designated meeting place and upon seeing him, I was immediately, quietly, smitten. I quickly ignored this and turned the feelings into my usual, loving affection for a friend. I knew he was just visiting and would be gone, soon, so it was easy to allow the feelings to shift into appreciation.

Cut to many long, precious, transformational days and nights later, and we are both crying our eyes out at being separated by his having to leave, having had incredible dates and walks and conversations and revelations and emotions and an honest look at whether the year together had been leading to this, or if we were just having a magickal time. My initial inclination was to convince the both of us that we were just having a magickal time and that we should keep our wits about us because, really, what were we supposed to do about this important, personal, and shared realization? As we neared the airport, realizing exactly what ignoring the truth would mean, I found myself squirming with resistance inside, but also flooding with surrender to something more beautiful to me than I have experienced in a very, very long time.

As we said our painful, and I mean PAINFUL... burning-eyes, swollen-throat, stomach-wrenching, ugly-cry, PAINFUL goodbye, I STILL said I was only "90% sure." I walked away feeling falsely strong for having left myself 10% open for the doubt and rejection of this huge potential between us.

But that didn't last long.

Within the hour of our departure from each other, I knew it was over for me. I knew it. And when I KNOW something; when it resonates within me like an orchestra of truth, I surrender.

I know I am doing the right thing. I know I am doing the right thing for me. I know I am doing the right thing for us, for my work, for my life. I just... KNOW.

And in that knowing, everything has fallen into place... almost immediately, all required elements are there, making this possible within a very short period of time.

As of May, at some point in May, this will be HOME

When the time feels right and both of us are settled in to a comfortable world together, I will introduce him through my blog, but for now, there is a kind of sanctuary being built together that doesn't include a lot of exposure. My close friends are involved, supportive, and for now, that's all I want for such a huge choice in my life. I didn't make this choice based on any compulsion or zany escape into adventure, but on real thinking, real assessment, real awareness of all of the obvious potential outcomes, and when I ask myself if I would still move there if I knew that my relationship would not last, I still feel a powerful YES.

I'm moving there for something bigger than what prompted all of this and I am ready for anything.

Especially to be Loved.

This is one of the few pivotal points in my life where I see a major, long-term investment in myself and my life and it will be what I make of it, but the impact will go far and wide into my future and relationships.

And I'm finally going to get that damn book published!

Ironically, the only boyfriend with whom I had a relationship that carried such a magic and power to transform my entire life is also living in Amsterdam! No worries, y'all... we are nearly-20-years-in-the-making a magickal friendship that has withstood time, space, hate, love, and everything between. Furthermore, he has been vital to my being able to move to Amsterdam and understand the process of gaining residency so that my boyfriend and I can be together on the same continent.

Isn't life AMAZING?!!

More details to come...