30 Things About Me

I've never done this before, but feel inspired by a friend's entry listing 30 things about herself. It was so much more interesting than I had expected! So, in one sitting, here are 30 things about me that I can think of right now. A lot of this is probably already familiar, and then some parts may be TMI!

01. I am gay

02. I am 100% Vegetarian and 90% Vegan

03. My primary philosophy about life is shaped by the teachings of non-physical Beings by the names of "Michael," "Seth," "Emmanuel," "Lazaris," and "Orin and DaBen."

04. Despite the love and support I have in my life, my best friend EVER was my dog, Pluto, who died after 5 years of friendship from Cancer (he was euthanized in my arms)

05. I am now HIV+ as of last year and am technically "living with AIDS" (though I am perfectly healthy)

06. I have a hard time believing that HIV or AIDS exists as we currently understand it because of the extreme lack of science to support the theories, but now I have to live as if it is true

07. I have now lived in New York City for a total of years that count as nearly half of my life

08. I love "Reality TV"

09. I spend more time with electronics and non-human animals than I do with people these days

10. It bothers me when people call me a "Racist" just because I make legitimate complaints and open commentary about my primarily-Black neighborhood and the issues that obviously plague Black culture (hello, I'm right in the middle of it!)

11. I rarely tell people what I do for a living unless they ask

12. I rarely relate to anyone who does what I do for a living

13. My greatest unfulfilled aspirations are to successfully publish a well-accepted novel and a non-fiction book

14. My greatest fulfilled aspirations are all related to helping people and animals to have and create better lives for themselves

15. I almost died last year in a hospital in a foreign country and spent several days in a coma.

16. Before last year, I have always done anything for "Love." For the first time in my life now, I have genuinely lost all interest in ever feeling that way again. And that's not a bad thing.

17. Most of my guy friends are my ex-boyfriends.

18. I have lost several close women friends because I was not interested in their affections.

19. I lived for 18 years being abused my Mother. Now I have not seen or spoken to her in 22 years. And she has never tried to contact me.

20. I communicate with the dead every day, but I really don't want to die.

21. The greatest ambient influence on my soul is the music of Cocteau Twins and one of the greatest days of life was when I met them... and they knew who I was.

22. After hearing a lengthy speech about me and my influence on my high school, I won a writing award that had not been given in 17 years. I accepted my award to a standing ovation.

23. I was voted "Most Cheerful," and "Most Outrageously Dressed" in my Senior Class in high school.

24. Despite being 40 years old, I still enjoy life as if I am just getting started.

25. I think Zombies and Clowns are two of THE most terrifying things on the planet.

26. The most disheartening and shocking things in life for me are having to watch people choose Convenience and Self-preservation over Compassion and Kindness.

27. When I look at people and things, I see colors and shapes dancing around and through them and I sometimes know what they mean.

28. Despite being very sexual all of my life (from a very early age), I have never really had sex.

29. Despite being 40 years old now, after growing up abused, I still constantly live in fear of "getting into trouble," even when there is absolutely no reason.

30. Believe it, or not, I always do the things I do because I truly love doing most of what I choose to do, and not for any reward, applause, or praise.

That concludes 30 Things About Me today...

vlog: HOME AGAIN

So... after dropping everything from my life to pursue Love in The Netherlands, almost dying, recovering, returning to the U.S. and then getting dumped over the internet, I am seeing signs of my footing returning to my life, again. It's going to be a long road of returning to some sense of "home," but I'm on my way.

I spent my first night on my own last night, in my own new bed, with Spyder exploring the apartment restlessly, but regally, throughout the night and checking in on me regularly, poking her nose up against my eye or my own nose to ensure I was okay. I slept okay, but awakened often, of course; it's a new, unfamiliar place.

One of the glorious things about my first night was being able to create my "SLEEP" playlist in iTunes, set it to Random, and let it play all night as a backdrop to my dreams... I love sleeping to music, which I have not been able to do in a long time.

Below is a tour through my new little home... it's gotta a lot of work to be done, and I will slowwwwly fill it with "stuff" and make it all cozy in time... in time.

VLOG: Home Again from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

vlog: COCTEAUBOY'S TRIP

WOUND

So I tried to be funny today for Jip and succeeded, but when he requested I do the same thing again for him so he could film it, the entire thing went awry. Watch closely as I try to play like the wind is so strong it is blowing me away... except... it really does and I lose my balance and you can see I am almost completely horizontal, heading face-down, as I fly out of range of the camera! Of course, the next shot is of Jip closing in on me as I lie on my back after sliding on my face, shoulders, and hands... bleeding all over.

This is what happens when I almost die and then start recovering to a point where I think I can do anything again... but, uh, I can't, yet. I'm not strong or stable, yet, so I don't know what I was thinking.

ENJOY!

One Minute Wanders: COCTEAUBOY'S TRIP from CocteauBoy on Vimeo

Birds Of A Feather

Wow... another odd dream, followed by even stranger Waking State:

I dreamt I was interacting with a really playful bird; something like a little parakeet, but not a parakeet. Maybe something like a Conure? Or maybe a baby parrot? The bird was really affectionate, as most birds are (and unless you have cared for a bird, you probably don't know how amazingly affectionate and sweet a bird is). It would ride on my finger, clamp his beak onto my finger, gently, and make those sweet bird noises I remember so fondly. At one point the bird was walking about and around a little dog's ears and head, grooming the hair on the dog, and the dog would just nuzzle the bird. I don't know whose dog this was, but the bird and the little dog got along just fine. I was laughing and just feeling really good about all of this cross-species affection and kindness. The little dog would occasionally open his mouth to try to lick the bird, but the bird would open his own mouth and try to pick at the dog's tongue. It was hilarious (in my dream).

I then made some kind of joke out loud about how the little dog had better be careful because he could hurt the bird unwittingly, and I put my fingers on the back of the bird's neck to kind of mimic an accidental attack, and to move the bird a bit away from the dog's face. The bird freaked out in a loud squawk and then collapsed!!

I could not believe I just killed this little bird! It just lay there. I picked the bird up and felt this horrible wash of sadness and regret and shame for killing it. And then I just decided this can't be happening...

I put the bird to my face and blew into his beak. I kept blowing in rhythms and could feel the bird's belly fill, then empty as I breathed. I then took my finger and thumped it gently against the bird's chest in a rhythm, too. I did this for about a minute... and then lay the bird back down to leave him alone. I was devastated.

And then the bird shook on his side, lifted his head, eyes bleary, and then shook himself to his feet, feathers ruffling, and going back into place. He looked up at me, ran his little feet over the few inches to me, and just started nuzzling and making bird noises! I was SO HAPPY!

So that was the dream... but tonight, as I went to do my laundry, I was putting my clothes in the washers, and suddenly I saw something right in my face at the edge of the washer's top. My eyes focused and it was a BIRD!!!

A teeny, adorable little sparrow! He just sat there. I didn't want to scare him because he is already apparently trapped in a basement laundry room, so I just looked at him for a second and stood still. The little bird walked toward me, so raised out my finger very gently and reached for him to pet him. He let me! It then dawned on me that he may be really sick or something and I started thinking of ways I may be able to catch him and help him, but before those those thoughts could finish, the little bird flew up on my shoulder, chirped really happily, and then flew incredibly acrobatically out the door of the laundry room, around the corner, and then out a crack in the door that led from the basement to outside.

What the...!?? Any dream/symbols of life interpreters out there?