WHY is the Question of a Broken Heart

Some days, even with my seeming unlimited resource of optimism, my ability to grasp the most painful of circumstances from a higher perspective, and my playful embrace of disappointment as a comical blunder of something tumbling from my hands, I still have my days when I ask the rhetorical and universal question:

WHY

Some days just... hurt.

Like someone in a heavy boot standing on your neck with a permanent pressure.

I'm sure I just feel this way because of my broken heart.

Kinda down today... that's all.

Baby steps...

BOAT & BIRD

If you be my star
I'll be your sky
you can hide underneath me and come out at night
when I turn jet black and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine

but you can skyrocket away from me
and never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here with more room to fly
just leave me your stardust to remember you by

if you be my boat
I'll be your sea
a depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity
ebbing and flowing and pushed by a breeze
I live to make you free
I live to make you free

but you can set sail to the west if you want to
and past the horizon till I can't even see you
far from here where the beaches are wide
just leave me your wake to remember you by

- Gregory and the Hawk
(listen here)

vlog: Love is like Reincarnation

Through the pain and sense of loss, there is still a core in me that can find the truth of a situation, the bigger truths, the higher perspective... the love. So today I was fluctuating in and out of hate, anger, depression, big love, beautiful truths, clarity, disorientation... just spinning around like a kid on a maniacal merry-go-round. During a bit of a moment of clarity and higher perception, I decided to make a video.

vlog: LOVE IS LIKE REINCARNATION from CocteauBoy and Vimeo.

I don't pretend to be so wise and spouting of profundity... I'm just a guy trying to figure things out in this world and sharing what I am learning as best I can. Sometimes I can hit on a very real piece of wisdom, and other times, I'm just a naive big kid, lost in the world and trying desperately to make sense of something...

It had been occurring to me for a few days now that Love is like Reincarnation: 1) it happens all around us whether we "believe in it, or not." and 2) there is a necessary amnesia that comes with falling in love again, just like we forget our pasts when we choose and create a new life. It's not that we don't learn from our history, but more that we are not confined by it.

I've also been thinking a lot about how I have fought for years to have a Love in my life that fits my ideal form. I have kept most forms of Love at a distance until I can just get my hands on this one kind of Love that I desperately crave. Even when the form is as close as it gets to my ideal, such as it was with Jip (I am truly loved by Jip), I struggle to hold it into the shape I want until I just squeeze it right out from between my fingers...

Love is not something that we can shape or force into a form. I don't think it's a bad thing to search for it in a shape and size that we want to have in our lives, and hope that it is given to us in a way that feels right and good, but it's not a cool thing to reject all the other forms as we search, or that we sabotage the Love that we do find by slowly creeping into it a pressure to make a shape that fits our ideals.

Now, here's something interesting below. This is the Energy Report as given by the entity I channel, "Michael." They give a monthly report like a weather report might be given. There are no predictions, but there are descriptions of patterns that can be observable. As part of the report, Michael describes different parts of the year as having an emphasis on different energies that are similar to personality traits. July through September focuses on our examination of beliefs and perceptions; our ATTITUDE; our personal philosophies come up for scrutiny. As individuals, we choose one of seven Attitudes as part of our personality design for a lifetime, but in an energy report, Michael describes a kind of "weather," or momentum, that is also described by one of the Attitudes. This year, the Attitude that is explored by most of us (regardless of our personal Attitude) is REALISM. That's what Michael's talking about in the first few lines of the report.

Let me know if this resonates to your life, too. The interesting part for me is that I channeled this from Michael on the 2nd of September... I was dumped 6 days later. The report is certainly relevant to my life.., sighhhh...

MICHAEL SPEAKS
090207
Online

[Michael Entity] Hello to each of you. We are here. We will begin with an energy report to which you may ask questions after.

The energy report we are sharing is for September of 2007. As you enter into the last month of emphasis on the Attitude of Realist, the reality of its effect may begin to become more apparent. So far, the emphasis has been gentle for the most part, if not a bit surreal, ironically, but the edges of reality are now up for examination and this may feel a bit harsh in comparison. When we say "edges of reality," we simply refer to the sharper points, the outlines and lines that hold the shapes of your beliefs and perceptions. Inside these lines, there is space and softness in which to move, but when examining the lines, you are dealing with "edges," which are not as pleasant in many cases.

Over September, many of you may find that the lines holding your perceptions together actually change as a way to alter the forms that make up many of your manifestations. In other words, the CONTENT may be something you wish to keep, but the FORMS may change. This is where the "harshness" can come in. Often there is an attachment to FORM, even when CONTENT is unfulfilling; or there is an addiction to the CONTENT, even when the FORM is inappropriate.

In this case, some of you have found FORMS that may be up for change, and it would do you well to understand and trust that the core of what you seek WILL NOT DISAPPEAR, even if the form changes. The FORMS will not actually disappear for most of you, but the opening for more appropriate forms will be apparent and available, if you so choose to allow room for those in your reality.

We realize all of this may seem vague, but as September unfolds, it may become clearer as to what we refer. In short, allowing space, trust, and compassion for the shifts and rearrangements around you over September will allow for the beauty that is intended by these shifts.

KEY Thoughts over September might be:

LETTING GO OF FORM DOES NOT MEAN LOSS

BEING FULFILLED THROUGH appropriate FORM AND appropriate CONTENT IS OKAY TO HAVE AND WANT (it doesn't have to be one or the other)

LOVE, ANYWAY

There are no particular dates of note over September in terms of energy shifts, though the last few days of September and the first few days of October could be said to be a shift into a peaceful comprehension of the year-to-date, with many aspects finally "making sense" on levels of the head and heart. We suggest for you to "make sense" of your changes in the weeks following September, because it may be difficult to comprehend during the weeks of September.

I'm gonna be okay.

R.I.P. Troy n Jip

My adventure in Love with Jip is over. At least as boyfriends.

But I gained a Best Friend for life.

I'm really in shock, hurting, and really don't know how to live right now... but I will figure it all out.

Again.

As usual.

I sure wish life was just... easier sometimes...

Thank you for loving me, Jip.

How to be my Boyfriend

DEAL BREAKING AND MAKING

I am 39 years old now and I have never dated. I've never had to date. I just sort of bumble along and enjoy life, then suddenly I meet a guy with whom I connect strongly and then we discover we'd make great boyfriends and we give it a shot (and then I get dumped 10 months to 4 years later). That's been the way I have found and held every boyfriend relationship, so far.

I've never been one who could "date around," or go out with one guy tonight and another tomorrow night. It's not that I have a weird judgment against dating around, but just that I don't know how to do it very well. I think my heart is too sensitive, or something. I just feel really uncomfortable with the idea of "shopping" for a person, and I prefer for it to happen more organically; unexpectedly. I like the surprise of a wonderful rapport, rather than the search for it. In the meantime I get to work on myself in a way that may make me an even better boyfriend for someone, as well as being a better person for myself. So, "dating," to me, reduces the magic of personal growth and surprise of life to an interviewing process of distraction from self, and is not a natural exchange for me.

Dating around means someone is going to be potentially chosen and many are going to be potentially rejected. I like neither of those options; at least, not with such an emphasis. I'd rather an experience of emergence, discovery, and playfulness (and potential friendship) than an experience of interview and assessment. The interviewing and assessment is going to happen, no matter what, so I'd rather it just be a gentle undercurrent than to have it to be the focus.

Even when I've met someone from online for a "date," I always explain that my first meeting can't really be considered a date. It's just a meeting. It's just a chance to hang out and get to know each other and focus on a friendship and from there we can THEN decide if we'd like to go on a date. I'd rather meet a potential friend than to lose that possibility because we are incompatible as boyfriends; I'd rather make a date with someone in person than to make a date with someone I've never met.

I don't know why I prefer all of these things, but it's the way I work.

Another thing I've always preferred is to never be too rigid in my expectations and wishes for what I would want in a mate. All of my fundamental basics that make up my identity are kept as MY fundamental basics and not something to wish from someone else, or to impose on someone else. I'd rather discover the fundamentals about another person and then create a unique world of combination. For the most part, my most successful and fulfilling relationships were rooted in the mutual respect and exploration of our different identities, even when fundamentals were at odds to each other.

SO... for 20 years of my life of relationships/dating I've not "dated around," and I've experimented with flexibility of fundamentals....

....and now I am ready try something different.

I still don't think I can date around (I just don't have that in me), but I want to enforce a few things that I would consider "fundamental deal makers," instead of being so flexible. In my flexibility, I find that I become very willing to be the invisible person in the relationship. It's a certain sabotage that I've found in me as a pattern. It's not that I deny the things that are fundamental about me, but that I feel a strength in my being able to set mine aside for the importance of someone else's. While this IS a strength to some degree, it is also a contributor to the detriment of a relationship, because when your relationship with yourself becomes compromised by your emphasis on your relationship with someone else, you cut off your own air. You clip your wings while encouraging the flight of another.

And then you wonder why they leave.

So... I've decided to gently hold some of my fundamentals in strong consideration when a potential boyfriend now comes along, and that includes my current relationship that has blossomed out of nowhere. This is 20 years worth of experience that has helped me to discover what is truly important to me and I'm also secure enough with myself now that I don't really feel a need to be so compromised in order to have a relationship. I'd rather be free and single than to feel lonely and invisible in a relationship. I'd rather keep my relationship with myself as healthy and whole than to divide myself into something more digestible for another person.

I've thought about this a lot.

Some people call these things "deal breakers," but I'm trying to emphasize the more inspiring angle of "Deal Makers." The more deal makers being fulfilled in a potential relationship, the more likely that relationship could be profoundly fulfilling for both of us. I would never IMPOSE these on another person, but I am brave enough now to let that person go on his merry way if he is not interested in similar, common grounds.

DEAL MAKERS

• Socially graceful, friendly, and actually likes people
• Loves reading together (quietly, or out loud to each other)
• Loves being playful, in general, without thinking he is "too old" or "mature" or "too cool" or "too stupid" for silly playfulness
• Loves color and brightness and appreciates toys as part of a home
• Finds laughter to be an intimate bonding factor
• Vegan, Vegetarian, or on his way to either of those
• Sees animals as valid, feeling Beings who are not to be exploited, enslaved, farmed, worn, or eaten
• Questions the very nature of reality and enjoys long, thoughtful conversations about such things
• Finds benefit in discussing issues that arise as conflicts or differences or insecurities between us
• Is naturally monogamous and finds that to be exciting, sexual, and sensual, and not a weird, resentful burden
• Finds it thought-provoking, inspiring, and almost obligatory to question against mainstream conclusions about life, events, and truths
• Finds insecurities to be something to soothe and heal, not to use against each other, or to feel are burdens
• Is not religious, but spiritual
• Is not political, but aware
• Feels good about considering the impact of his choices on me, and does not feel burdened by that extra step in thinking
• Does not smoke and understands why it's a violation to be around it in public (I've added this one for two reasons: kissing a smoker is gross, sorry; and if you can't understand why no person's habits should be something another person should be forced to partake in, then you probably don't have a clear idea about appreciating shared space; honoring shared space is NOT the same thing as taking away people's right to choose and do what they want)

So, those are some of the obvious DEAL MAKERS, but here are some deadly deal breakers, because no matter how much is being fulfilled in my deal maker list, these are the things that can ruin EVERYTHING:

DEADLY DEAL BREAKERS
These are words that will stop my relationship with you in its tracks, or seriously derail us to the point of needing a very long recovery:

• "What?! You have got to be kidding me! Animals are MEANT to be used for food and clothing! Humans are carnivores!"
• "I really don't see what the problem is if I feel like kissing another guy or flirting with him in front of you (or behind your back)... it's JUST a kiss, for god's sake. And we all need that extra attention from time to time."
• "I've cheated on you." (or finding out that he's cheated on me)
• "I already know everything I need to know about myself; I'm not really interested in learning more."
• "Oh my god, get OVER it!"
• "I lied to you."

Those are just a few of the obvious deal breakers, but the list doesn't include the even-more obvious ones of violating Honesty, Communication, and Integrity, which are basic ingredients to a successful and intimate relationship. If those three things are violated in any way, there is trouble.

And I'd like to point out that I DO understand the need for attention from others, even as flirtation and even while in a monogamous relationship, but there is a way to allow room for that without it being a violation to your honesty, communication, and integrity. I also don't like the word "cheating," but I guess it's the only word to use to describe someone who tells you one thing and then does another thing. If you enter a relationship with me KNOWING what is important to me, and you stand strongly with me to encourage that mutual agreement, and then you cheat (on any level: emotionally, physically, etc), then it's not about the act, itself, but about your level of integrity and honesty that has destroyed our intimacy. If want to have sex with someone else, then leave the relationship with me... FIRST. It's just NOT for me to have that kind of a relationship, and I've been there, done that, and frankly, don't need the experience again. You should have the guts to leave me before you would have to cheat on us.

I don't need to impose my rules on you, but I've accepted that it's okay for me to have some.

So there...

It's on record.

Next Stop: AMSTERDAM

It never EVER occurred to me that I would ever visit Europe, let alone LIVE there, so it goes without saying that I am just as much in shock over my announcement as any of you may be:

I AM MOVING TO AMSTERDAM!

WHAT THE!!?? you say?

This move was prompted by a long journey through situations, scenarios, and synchronicities that had to have all come together in culmination of my choosing to move to another country. Many of the situations and scenarios are things I have bitched about in this very blog, that are now clearly a part of a larger pattern leading me to Amsterdam. I imagine this all began falling into place as part of my breakup from Clem and my distancing from Cyprus. If I was closely connected to either of these two, I would never fathom this choice.

As it stands, these two major falling out scenarios led me to two very important factors being in place:

- space created in my life to move about however I choose, without any negative impact on anyone (besides my American friends missing me, which is heart-breaking!)
- being free from any intimate relationships (i.e. boyfriends) so that I could find myself open to the surprise of my life with a rather old relationship that took on a new spin!

Yup, I have a boyfriend. Yup, he's Dutch. Yup, he lives in Amsterdam. Yup, I'm kinda going on this journey for the sake of following my heart. I like following my heart. It's taken me to far-flung places in the world, inside and out. And I'm not about to start ignoring this incredible navigational tool I have for my life, so...

Over a year-in-the-making, I finally discovered that I am in love with someone I only ever expected would be one of my dearest, long-distance friends. It's the 21st Century, so most of you probably no longer roll your eyes at the idea of "meeting" someone online with whom you eventually develop a strong, loving rapport, but I'm also not ridiculous enough to take that relationship to a place of fantasy. No matter what one might form as a relationship with someone online, it is essentially a relationship with your IDEA of who that person is, not necessarily a relationship with that person. So, none of this ever occurred to me as anything more than a beautifully modern connection with a beautiful soul overseas.

And then he came to visit.

Even then, I was resistant. I was unconsciously avoiding even having contact with him. I was "busy" and I didn't really want to deal with all of it. Upon his arrival, he stayed his first night with an acquaintance of his, and I thought I might be able to see him MAYBE once or twice, but, you know, I was "busy," so probably not.

And then he called me.

And he asked very strongly if he could please stay with me. I immediately, without hesitation, said YES! To this day, I do not know WHY I said it without hesitation. Anyone who knows me knows that I hem and haw and say that I need to check my schedule or think about it, etc. I never just say YES! But I did.

I went to pick him up at our designated meeting place and upon seeing him, I was immediately, quietly, smitten. I quickly ignored this and turned the feelings into my usual, loving affection for a friend. I knew he was just visiting and would be gone, soon, so it was easy to allow the feelings to shift into appreciation.

Cut to many long, precious, transformational days and nights later, and we are both crying our eyes out at being separated by his having to leave, having had incredible dates and walks and conversations and revelations and emotions and an honest look at whether the year together had been leading to this, or if we were just having a magickal time. My initial inclination was to convince the both of us that we were just having a magickal time and that we should keep our wits about us because, really, what were we supposed to do about this important, personal, and shared realization? As we neared the airport, realizing exactly what ignoring the truth would mean, I found myself squirming with resistance inside, but also flooding with surrender to something more beautiful to me than I have experienced in a very, very long time.

As we said our painful, and I mean PAINFUL... burning-eyes, swollen-throat, stomach-wrenching, ugly-cry, PAINFUL goodbye, I STILL said I was only "90% sure." I walked away feeling falsely strong for having left myself 10% open for the doubt and rejection of this huge potential between us.

But that didn't last long.

Within the hour of our departure from each other, I knew it was over for me. I knew it. And when I KNOW something; when it resonates within me like an orchestra of truth, I surrender.

I know I am doing the right thing. I know I am doing the right thing for me. I know I am doing the right thing for us, for my work, for my life. I just... KNOW.

And in that knowing, everything has fallen into place... almost immediately, all required elements are there, making this possible within a very short period of time.

As of May, at some point in May, this will be HOME

When the time feels right and both of us are settled in to a comfortable world together, I will introduce him through my blog, but for now, there is a kind of sanctuary being built together that doesn't include a lot of exposure. My close friends are involved, supportive, and for now, that's all I want for such a huge choice in my life. I didn't make this choice based on any compulsion or zany escape into adventure, but on real thinking, real assessment, real awareness of all of the obvious potential outcomes, and when I ask myself if I would still move there if I knew that my relationship would not last, I still feel a powerful YES.

I'm moving there for something bigger than what prompted all of this and I am ready for anything.

Especially to be Loved.

This is one of the few pivotal points in my life where I see a major, long-term investment in myself and my life and it will be what I make of it, but the impact will go far and wide into my future and relationships.

And I'm finally going to get that damn book published!

Ironically, the only boyfriend with whom I had a relationship that carried such a magic and power to transform my entire life is also living in Amsterdam! No worries, y'all... we are nearly-20-years-in-the-making a magickal friendship that has withstood time, space, hate, love, and everything between. Furthermore, he has been vital to my being able to move to Amsterdam and understand the process of gaining residency so that my boyfriend and I can be together on the same continent.

Isn't life AMAZING?!!

More details to come...