When it Rains, it POURS

That cliché is SO appropriate right now in my life. I'm not even going to go into the details, and only because this blog has taken such a dark turn, it is time for some light.

But still, I did get caught in a HUGELY WET downpour yesterday on my errands.

I left in my little shorts, t-shirt, and sandals; traipsing to the grocery store for some dinner items and household needs. It was just a bit of a sun-shower at that point and I don't mind the rain. I actually like it and I LOVE storms. And I rarely use an umbrella. In fact, umbrellas are probably the most violent means of selfishness on any city street.

Have you ever been GOUGED by the wires of someone's umbrella as he or she barges forward with no sight or bearings?! It is truly violating. I think people should take "Umbrella-Use Classes." I think the city should require a license to carry one. And it would be REALLY easy to pull from the crowd anyone who hadn't passed the Umbrella Class. They would be the ones skewering everyone else's eyes and knocking other people into the street and into walls as they freakishly scurry along as if they will just DIE if they get a drop of rain on them.

So... anyway... as I stood in line to leave the grocery store, it was like the windows all dropped from sun-shower light to a white-grey wetness and I couldn't see anyone on the sidewalk. I stepped out onto the sidewalk for my retreat home, but found a throng of people huddled just outside, under the awning of the grocery. When I saw the super-fast flooding streets, I thought twice about walking casually out into it as I would normally have done. I stood with the gang and watched the street fill so fast with water that it would take a rather powerful leap to get anywhere onto the other side of the stream that was building. It was like a mini-raging river!

After about 10 minutes, I just couldn't wait any longer and I braved it. I just walked out into it and the water washed up and over and into my sandals as deep as my ankles. I could barely see because of the water in my eyes running down from my now-plastered hair. I got home, but I was soaked beyond recognition.

Can you see that even the bones in my face are wet?

Now, the reason I'm even writing about this downpour is because I realized that my behavior in the rain is similar to my behavior toward life. I think I live as if I ASSUME I am going to get wet and that however inconvenient it is, I will survive. Furthermore, I know that there is a nourishment in the rain that far outweighs the inconvenience. Thinking about this made me wonder how much one could discover about a person by observing his or her behavior in a rainstorm on the street.

If you were to describe your life in terms of how you handle a rainstorm, what would that say about you? I wonder...

So as I said, "When it rains, it POURS."

THE ANONYMITY OF SHAME

As you can see from the anonymous poster who has taken a liking to taunting me, public journaling has its discomforts. When you write so personally and freely, it is SO LIBERATING, yet it is scary enough that I can see why people only use their blogs as a form of entertainment, or commentary. I took on the practice of blogging so that I could have a record of my inner and outer growth, and if someone can relate to it, then that would be a bonus! In my line of work (counseling, teaching) it isn't new for me to be exposed and vulnerable to strangers. There is a delicious joy in risking everything just to be real and present in your life.

There is a lesson in freeing yourself from the shame of grief, sadness, happiness, self-celebration. I mean, until you are comfortable enough with yourself and your feelings to the extent that ANYONE can say what he or she thinks about them, and you feel very little need for defense, then there is still a bit of shame around certain things in your life. Of course, it doesn't feel good that someone would diminish my feelings and experiences by making rude or nasty comments, but that's okay. His or her opinion is just an offering, I suppose.

Still, there is something creepy about heckling coming from the darkness of anonymity. There's an air of weird threat about it, and an air of cowardice that is of the likes that lead to something more violent.

WELCOME, though, to Mr. or Mrs. Anonymous Heckler!

Maybe some direct attention to you will help you feel the warmth you may need to thaw your cold-hearted attitude. Never be ashamed to own your words. Toss those criticisms at me like bricks through the windows of my emotions. That's fine. I can take it. But I invite you to write your name and remain connected to your attempts to hurt another person. And might I suggest that your anonymity gives me a hint that maybe your heart really is in the right place?

When someone lashes out and then runs and hides, it usually means he or she just needed someone to hear and understand his or her own story.

I'm trying to hear you...

Number 2 of 4: The Reincarnation of NICK

It's no secret that one of the four who were teetering on the fence of my life was Nick, but I now choose to surrender to my friendship with him this early, early morning.

I love him. He loves me. It's really just that simple and to make it more complicated than that is missing the point. Right?

In light of such dismissive and callous behavior from others, I've seen Nick's feelings and love for our friendship really stand up against some very serious blows. I've decided I just don't have the energy or the desire to drive or maintain a wedge of resentment between us.

Of course, this wedge began long ago when I felt so lonely while dating him. I poured my heart into that damn relationship and contorted my heart into a state of meditation as I waited for SOMETHING... ANYTHING to begin to feel something like a real boyfriend relationship. He finally came clean after four years that he only felt "platonic" toward me. Ummm, that feels real nice. (What is it with people downgrading their relationships with me??!!) So after all of that, I've had a really hard time accepting having been dumped (yeah, and I get dumped a lot, too, huh - in fact, twice by Nick) and then immediately made into a friend and then, without skipping a beat, having to deal with several very sensitive issues that have truly enraged me over time as they have recently, finally become gutted out into the open of our relationship. Those issues are still not resolved by any means, but I am realizing I am happier to resolve them than I am to run away from them.

Sigghhh...

So for what it's worth, I'm done questioning my relationship with Nick and living under the pressure of resentment. I'm not sure how to shake it completely, but I am trying. I'd love to write more about the outstanding issues, but I want to honor his preference for some amount of privacy. I am writing all the way up the edge of the issues, but I'll stop right there and work out the rest with him.

CocteauBoy aka Troy aka KrazyMuthaFuka

My GOD, this is such an emotionally discombobulating year!! I'm about to just go crazy.

But then, it's all so exciting, too! I mean, isn't this the point? These kinds of adventures in life? I mean think about it: Wow. I get dumped by a very good friend for no reason after nearly 3 years; I'm on the verge of disowning my ex-boyfriend-come-best-friend because certain lines were WAY crossed, but then I just grit my teeth and choose to do my best to turn that all around...

Okay, and then I have the number 3 of the 4, which is pretty much moot now. I can scratch that off the list of teeters now, too. After nearly 5 months of effort to resolve that situation, and with the expression of confusion from that other party that he was surprised there was a problem at all (oh it is so easy to say there is no problem when you created the damn problem in the first place), I have decided to relegate that potential "friendship" to mere acquaintence status and just let it be. Whatever. We can just as easily have fun as acquaintences. I don't really mind and I really have no hard feelings on that one.

And then the big number 4 of 4... Whoosh! I'm sure there will be a more thorough update about that at some point, but for now, I am still in limbo, at the mercy of his pace and process, but I can now say, after a tedious uphill climb, that there seems to be something good, or at least civil, evolving out of our efforts.

So, isn't this exciting!?

You know, one of my characteristics that is as exploited as it is unnoticed is that as soon as a person makes ANY effort to resolve a conflicting situation, that conflict is halfway diffused for me just by that effort!

I tend to forget very easily; like a dog. Well, I forget,... but only as long as the situation doesn't happen again. As soon as there is even a HINT of a repeated pattern, everything is recalled in minute detail, along with the emotions that laced it all together. I think that's fair, though. I'm not stupid. We still learn from the past, even if we don't have to live there.

Okay, so it seems this year I am my own favorite Lifetime Television Movie of the Week!

So this was a bit lighter and happier entry. I'm not one to avoid the dark stuff of life, but it's nice to always know that a balance is well within reach.

TROY n CARLOS

And throughout all of this, I have the love of my life, Carlos, walking beside me even as I meander and stumble in my emotional drunkeness, smiling warmly at me and reminding me that Loving is actually a very easy thing to do, if you really want to do it.

CYPRUS

And Cyprus, the crowning memory of this life, proving at every turn that there is a reason for the phrase "Best Friend." I should mention here that Cyprus is the one whose friendship broke my own rule against using the word "best" to describe a friend. I hated the idea of having a Best Friend, because that would mean someone else would feel "not-Best" if he or she ever became my friend. I managed for years to make everyone into a friend, even if I didn't have a best one. Then I learned what it meant to have one, and I now, freely recognize what it takes to own that title. It's a beautiful phrase and it doesn't have to be limited to one person. But even if you end this life with only one, it makes all the difference.

Even though I'm being dumped and dissed left and right, it's nice to know that even I have more than one Best Friend: Thank you for that, Nick.

My Newly Rediscovered Best Friend

LOL!

1 of 4: R.I.P. Taren n Troy

If you recall from an earlier entry, I noted my concerns over some strange winds passing through the lands of my friendships. Well, the first of four of my teetering pals has fallen from my life. And wow. It really feels fuckin' shitty.

It is rare that I either find or let someone into the very tender parts of my heart and behind the scenes of my smiles, but I quickly grew close to Taren and found for myself a friend in her. It took me a long time to actually consider her a "friend," because I am very particular about what that word means. I use the word as freely as anyone, but when I use it seriously, I mean it to describe a person who has traveled through Time and Space with you, and he or she still actively seeks to know and love you. One of the reasons I am pretty shy about experiencing a True Friend is because of what has just happened today: I was dumped by Taren.

No explanation. No goodbye. No reason. Just dumped. In my attempts to understand why she might choose something so awful, she merely dismissed the attempts with an ambiguously noble proclamation that she simply lost her affection and closeness for me and it was time to move on.

Not only that; I was dumped through an email.

How meaningless must a person be to someone that she doesn't even want to make the time to say goodbye in person? I would have gladly hugged her into her freedom and wished her well, but now I feel profoundly disposable.

So, tonight the kick to my stomach came from her in the form of an email, confirming a complete lack of interest in pursuing our substantial friendship. I felt sick all night. If you scroll back through my blog, you will see my praises and absolutely fun times with Taren. You will see my edging closer to, and crossing into, the realm of intimacy and friendship. Now, I just feel so used and pointless.

I don't blame her for those feelings, but I actually wouldn't FEEL that way without this catalyst, of course. However, I do take responsibility for how I'm interpreting what it means to be dumped by her. I'm not sure what else it's supposed to mean, yet.

Over the years I have laughed so hard with her; cried with her; held her; danced with her; supported her changes in interests and self-development; showed up for her; defended her; and loved her.

I can only do my best to continue to do the one thing she cannot destroy: love her. I've always believed that if you say you love someone, it just doesn't change because someone rejects you or changes on you. Even though this hurts so bad inside, it doesn't mean I can't love her. And True Love means she is absolved of all impact on me from her choices. It's not the loving that hurts; it's the attachment and the loss.

I will miss her so much.

I know she might continue to read my blog because she has said on many occassions that my blog is such a documentary of her memories in New York City.

So this is to you, Taren. One last entry to wish you well, and to always be a reminder that you are loved, even as you shed our friendship from your life. I wish there was room for me, but this as much a part of my growth and challenge in life as it is yours. I want so badly to learn to truly love people and this is a definite stretch to remember that you are as innocent as anyone else, just trying to do your own thing, and making the choices you feel are best.

I love you.

IN MEMORY...

This image was taken as Taren and I enjoyed a quiet dinner together a long time ago. It was taken during the initial inspirational stages of her new interest in Improvisational Theater. As we sat together, she spontaneously wrote down some really fun ideas for a character. I remember she was so excited and so self-doubting, so I took this picture as she wrote. I told her that one day she would be able to look back at this image and remember where it all began. I told her I believed in her and that the moment would seem so far away after she was finally successful in her pursuit. Well, now it's been over a year since this image was taken and she has not only graduated her Improv classes, but she has continued into many directions with this interest! I am really proud of her.

This image is from Christmas 2003. She wears the locket given to her by Cyprus and seems to enjoy the beautiful book, THE LITTLE PRINCE from Cyprus, as well. I wonder if Taren will see these gifts and find warmth in the memories.

Okay, I am just making myself super sad now... I have to close this with a fun thought and a fun image.

Taren: may you always rest in peace, and live as alive as can be...

To any other of my blog readers: Have you ever been dumped by a friend for no reason? And I mean literally NO REASON. I'd love to hear how you bounced back or dealt with it...

Porn and Plaster

DREAM ENTRY:

I am so behind in recording my dreams, but I'd better not get further behind, so I will just start from last night's.

I had a very odd dream about my upstairs neighbor. First of all, in waking state, these are THE LOUDEST NEIGHBORS we have ever lived under or near. We are convinced that they are building a bowling alley and practicing on it every day and night. They must wear lead boots when they walk, and for GOD'S SAKE, they cannot for the life of them NOT SLAM THEIR DOOR! Anyway,... had to get that out... Oh, and despite my mentioning to them that their pounding and slamming have actually caused plaster to fall from our walls and ceiling (and they continue to pound and slam), I am extremely pleasant to them when I see them. I would rather endure pounding and slamming than to endure an uncomfortable, hostile neighbor. They are new to New York and it seems that people who live or have lived in smaller places have not learned how to contain their own space among other people.

That's one of the keys to living in a metropolis: CONTAIN YOUR SPACE!! Never assume that anything beyond your body is YOURS. Everything beyond your body is SHARED. Get it? We have to walk, breathe, eat, and live together... and acting like it is ALL YOURS does not make for a happy and healthy environment.

Okay, so back to my dream:

Well, the guy from upstairs was in my dream. Why? Who knows... I will try to figure that out, but here's what happened. It seems I was on some soccer field or large grassy area for sports and it was rainy. Some event had happened, but now I can't remember what it was. I had anticipated paying for this event with my credit card. I stood in line and as I approached the window, I saw that it was my upstairs neighbor taking payments through the window. I pulled out my wallet to prepare to pay and I had no cash, but that was okay, since I was paying with my Credit Card. I went to pull out my credit card and it was all busted up. It was as if it had been worn thin from my ass pressing on it in my wallet for so long and it had actually been PRESSED into breaking up. It was paper-thin and crispy and broken up into about 5 pieces. It was my turn at the window and I said, "Oh my god, my credit card is all busted up." He said, "Then I will have to take cash." This was done along with all the pleasantries that would be normal for two people who recognize each other. I had said, "Ohhhh HIiiiii!" and he had been friendly. I said, "Well, I don't have any cash." I knew he could still "use" the credit card and was just being dificult or lazy because he couldn't just swipe the card anymore. I put the credit card into the cup that slid under the thick window and tried to lay it all into a way that it could be read; like putting a puzzle back together. He slid the card out and near him, pieced it together himself, and started typing in the numbers that would otherwise have been able to have been swiped. I told him, "Thank you." I noticed that because he had to go about using the card in a roundabout way, he was able to see all of the charges in the last month or so on my card. He started smirking and containing a slight snicker, so I leaned to an angle, discreetly, so I could see what he was seeing. Several charges on the card appeared to be for porn sites (which would NOT be the case in waking state, thank you)! I was so embarassed, but at the same time, I was like, SO WHAT. I was able to pay just fine and I thought I needed to call my credit card company to get a replacement ASAP. We said cordial goodbyes and I remember thinking he was going to comment on this when I saw him in our building. I sighed and walked out into the rain, deciding to use an umbrella, which I rarely do.

And that's that!

So now my very neighbor who has knocked plaster from our walls has somehow slithered into my dream and my bank account... hmmmm. Am I feeling vulnerable these days?

Any ideas?

The Comeback, The Falldown, The Get-Back-Up

"Well, i GOT it!" LOL!!

If you haven't seen THE COMEBACK, starring Lisa Kudrow, you are missing out on one of the most unique, BIZARRE, televisions shows in history. I'm starting off my return to my blog with an entry about it because it is such a metaphor for my life right now. She bumbles along so naively, thinking everything is so much better than it is, doing her best to keep a smile on her face, and thinking she is way happier than she is. I have never seen something so painfully sad and funny at the same time, except my own life. I know that sounds terrible, but I don't mean it that way.

Please; If I can sit through a comedy series and be utterly riveted by the spectrum of Lisa Kudrow's character, I am in bliss within my own life. I wouldn't trade this life for anything, despite its range from embarrassingly lonely naiveté to hilariously embraced moments of love. And besides, my life isn't unique in its pain or pleasure. It's actually refreshing and comforting to see that my life is more common-than-not, so much so that it's a template for a wonderful comedy! LOL!

Anyway, check out THE COMEBACK. I never appreciated Lisa's acting until now. It is so uncomfortable and truly amazing to watch her character. There is no way to convey the uniqueness of this series. You just have to see it.

Oh yeah, and welcome to my new Blogger Template... I was tired of the darker colors and thought a refreshing green was in need to house my thoughts.

One of the more painfully sad, yet beautiful, things that happened in my life recently was a powerful reunion with my brother. Although we have never hated each other, and we never even really fought, somehow the impact of our childhood sent us out into the world as far possible, as far away from the awful pain of what had been known as "family." It had been 15 years since I had seen him.

I was so scared to reunite with him, not because of HIM, but because he is a direct, living connection to everything terrifying from my childhood. I didn't even realize I was in such resistance to him until I finally had a phone conversation with him. Hearing his voice made me remember everything... EVERYTHING. It was the first time I was feeling the pain again as ME. See, before this reunion, the abuse happened to a little kid I remember, but couldn't really remember as ME. I remembered everything, but I had grown and moved on. I would look back on the abuse and feel so sad for the little kid who endured it, but I felt like an adult who only wished I could have helped "him" more. In my reunion with my brother, it was inescapable: the memories weren't of another person, of a little kid far away in time, but my OWN memories. Suddenly I gave total permission to myself to be sad for ME, not just for a distant memory of me. It was seriously weird and wonderful.

TROY DAD TJ
REUNION 2005

To make things even more poignant, my brother has sent me pictures from when we were children. I hardly have anything from my childhood, so to see physical images and items is magickal and strange for me, like researching a Past Life from a different incarnation.

TY n TROY

TY (aka TJ) n MOM n TROY



TY n TROY



TY n DAD n TROY

I've noticed something very interesting about many of the photos from my childhood: In nearly all photos with me and my mother in them, I am the only one who touches her. You can almost always see that I am touching her in some way. I distinctly remember feeling compelled to do that, too! I remember feeling sorry that she was so angry and mean and that it must be very sad and lonely to be that way. Beyond the insanity that I endured, I still reached out.

I'm still crazy like that, too.

Which brings me to the next topic. Lately I have been experiencing a huge threat to a range of relationships in my life, from my Best Friend to Enjoyable Acquaintances. I want to say that I am experiencing great losses in these areas, but the losses aren't really happening; just the threats. I currently have no less than 4 very important relationships in my life teetering on complete loss. In all of these, the theme is the same: ABSOLUTE IRRESPONSIBILITY. I despise irresponsibility in a friendship, whether this is a result of ignorance or intention. Let me define "responsibility" as the "ability or willingness to respond" and "irresponsibility" as the "inability or unwillingness to respond." In my teetering relationships, each are dealing with this issue. The pattern is the same:

1. Event Happens
2. Troy approaches it as best he can because it is an obvious dividing factor
3. Other Party either runs away or retaliates
4. Troy is left in the dust

Does no one value integrity, communication, honesty, or intimacy? I ask that question genuinely. Those qualities seem to be lacking in even the most well-intended frienships and relationships. Those qualities are primary building blocks for my relationships and I seem to be the odd-man out. The only building blocks I've seen from most people who claim to be a "friend" are Defensiveness, Self-Preservation, and Convenience. Again, I say that genuinely; not as an insult. It's just that those are the only words that describe what seem to be held as more important than other qualities. This is very disheartening and depressing for me right now, but I know it's not The Truth. It's just an ebb in the flow of my life. I'm really working hard to understand my part in the process.

Still, I am learning something from all of this threat. I've discovered how much I entangle my sense of self-worth into the perceptions and behaviors of those I consider to be important to me. I guess I shouldn't do that. I've realized that I am 100% or Nothing in a friendship or relationship. I fall hard and fast in love with people, partly because I need that much love, and partly because I just love loving people. But recently it's become apparent that I am far more disposable and unloved than I ever suspected; at least by a couple of people I had come to consider close to me.

You know, it makes you feel like that gullible kid who thought the bullies were his friend, even as they gave him a wedgie and laughed at him. My situation is nowhere near that dramatic, but it FEELS like that. Like I am a retarded dog thinking I'm playing in a pack of fun, only to find I was only being thrown scraps from an exclusionary table that's out of reach.

Oh, and to top it off, one my ALL-TIME favorite TV shows is coming to an end... it's all so fitting.

Okay, but OTHER than that... things are really well! SERIOUSLY! LOL! I just had to get that out of my system.

Here are a few of my latest REVIEWS for some levity:

Joseph Gordon-Levitt; Brady Corbet discover the shame and freedom
resulting from a shared childhood incident

The incredible Emporor Penguin marches for hundreds of miles to help
ensure the life of each couples' single egg

NYC Local Theater

Speaking of Theater, Josh's play, CHANTECLER was a HUGE success! He always makes me so discouraged to go see him in a show because he gets very critical and self-deprecating, but I almost always immensely enjoy him and his plays. This one was exceptional. I didn't write a Review for it, but our gang of pals all concur that it was one of the best plays in which we'd seen him!

Josh as THE PEACOCK in Chantecler

I have so much more to write, but I have so much work to get done, too. I am also on a tight schedule for writing my Reviews, having covered several movies and events for an International Film Festival, and I still have a Museum of Sex event to cover, and a concert this weekend! And that's not including living my life, doing my channeling work, and dealing with teetering relationships!

Oh, to be me...

A good news and dream post is coming up...

GET READY!

A HUGE Blog Entry is coming... I have SO much to catch up here in my lil blog! It's a little overwhelming, but I will do it very soon. I have so much work to do and I am assigned to several premeires and pre-screenings of some amazing movies to review. Carlos and I are going to the opening cermonies for the huge International Film Festival tomorrow night, so that should bring some interesting tales!

Uggh... so much! Family reunions, losses of friendships, limbos to heal, dreams that are out of this world, and lots of photos! My head is spinning...

Still Around

Don't forget about me, lil blog... I'm still around; just very busy and my next entry is a gonna be a doozy!

xoxo

Cocteau Twins, Metric, and Stars, OH MY!

TRUEGROOVE is up and running again, if you are interested in a groovy, chillin' listenin' moment...

Music begins playing immediately and randomly, so make sure your speakers are on and adjusted properly. ENJOY!

[LAUNCH TRUEGROOVE IN NEW WINDOW]

Bright Eyes Sings about the Lies

I had never heard of the artist Conor Oberst (aka BRIGHT EYES) before the recent blogsplosion of thoughtful people spreading links to this rare expression of dissent on television against our idiotic President. Most repulsion against the atrocity that rules our country is couched in acceptable and silly humor, which is fine and makes for some levity amidst the ominous reign, but get someone like Bill Maher on network television and he's completely censored and banned. More specifically, this kind of expression isn't curtailed because of dissent, it's because it's someone actually THINKING, people! Don't even THINK about THINKING... well, or should I say, don't even THINK about thinking AND having a heart.

It's hard for me to think that a person who supports Bush even has a heart (or a soul), but even I have (just) one very good friend who is wholeheartedly his supporter. I love her to death, but this is one topic we have to love each other beyond and in spite of.

BRIGHT EYES performed this on LENO. I wasn't a fan before, but now I am definitely, AT LEAST, cheering on this smart ass singer for expressing for MOST of us exactly what we wish was allowed more freely.

When you see something like this, it puts into perspective how whitewashed our media is, and considering that this is the most hated and rejected President in U.S. History, it makes you realize just how much control must be in place for us NOT to hear more thoughtful or angry perspectives across the networks.

I am totally grateful for people like Bill Maher and Michael Moore and shit, even Sacha Boren Cohen (aka Ali G) and John Stewart who still use comedy, but really emphasize the absurdities of our media and political system. And ahhh... who can forget Al Franken and Air America Radio!?? YAY!

I might not agree with everything they say, nor do I even agree with some tactics, but these people, and so many others, really risk their careers, credibility, and status just to speak the truth or to at least comment on the reality of our horrifying situation in the world (politically). And they are not at risk because they will be rejected by the public (because HELLO, the public is way smarter than we are led to believe); but these people are at risk only because of the handful of people who own most of the media.

Anyway, here's what everyone is talking about...

[CLICK]

and here are the lyrics:
WHEN THE PRESIDENT TALKS TO GOD

When the president talks to God
Are the conversations brief or long?
Does he ask to rape our women’s' rights
And send poor farm kids off to die?
Does God suggest an oil hike
When the president talks to God?

When the president talks to God
Are the consonants all hard or soft?
Is he resolute all down the line?
Is every issue black or white?
Does what God say, ever change his mind
When the president talks to God?

When the president talks to God
Does he fake that drawl and merely nod?
Agree which convicts should be killed,
Where prisons should be built and filled?
Which voter fraud must be concealed
When the president talks to God?

When the president talks to God
I wonder which one plays the better cop
We should find some jobs; the ghetto's broke
"No, they're lazy, George, I say we don't
Just give 'em more liquor stores and dirty coke"
That's what God recommends

When the president talks to God
Do they drink near beer and go play golf
While they pick which countries to invade
Which Muslim souls still can be saved
I guess god just calls a spade a spade
When the president talks to God

When the president talks to God
Does he ever think that maybe he's not?
That that voice is just inside his head
When he kneels next to the presidential bed
Does he ever smell his own bullshit!!??
When the president talks to God?

I doubt it

I doubt it

Mommie Dearest

Last year I discovered the joys of CHELSEA CINEMA CLASSICS and I think the first thing I saw was MOMMIE DEAREST. I remember seeing this movie as a kid and being so upset and disturbed; mostly because it reminded me of my own childhood. Now I watch it, and while I still wince a bit in certain scenes, I can't help but LAUGH OUT LOUD at the high drama and dialogue and mannerisms.

This week was the anniversary of MOMMIE DEAREST night and some real enthusiasts showed up. This movie is nearing ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW in audience participation. During swim scenes, squirt guns splatted us, for instance, and during part of the scene pictured above, the famous "NO WIRE HANGERS... EVER!!!!!" scene, was greeted with big puffs of baby powder floating across the audience, while hangers were thrown to the screen. Good God. I was as annoyed by the fun as I was having it.

Hedda, in her achingly funny perfection, showed up AS Joan Crawford, wielding an axe and carrying her own bio book MY WAY OF LIFE as a resource for answers about the universe...

HEDDA LETTUCE is JOAN CRAWFORD

I wish more of you could join me and my pals for these nights out... they are SO fun!


A LIVE SNAPSHOT DURING THE MOVIE!

The Pain of Condemnation

Wow.

Have any of you ever started to become friends with someone with whom you felt a grand rapport to the point of intuitive ease and then had that person completely pull the rug out from under your budding friendship?

Well, I'm sitting here tonight in the wake of just that experience, feeling really stupid and thoroughly rejected.

It's a very mournful feeling; like someone just committed suicide. You know, you feel angry and sad at the same time, and then you feel like, well, that was HIS choice; what can I do? And then the feelings start a new cycle...

The other thing that's strange about this experience is that in the end it feels like you SHOULDN'T care, but then there is this part of you that's still in a momentum of caring because, well, you were just side-swiped out of nowhere with a busload of rejection. No explanation, no logic, no heart... just... WHAM!

It's really kinda awful, but only because I am making it that way, I guess. The truth is, I was never really cared about by this person and I will eventually, quickly, accept that, but I think I'm still in a little bit of shock. If someone can so easily erase you from his life and his thoughts and his interactions, then really, how much can that person have ever cared about you? To think I felt so happy and close as we started being friends is now just embarassing.

I'm sad, too, but not just because of the loss on my part. I mean, I really made a huge effort to be his friend, even through his distractions and his grief over the loss of a potential boyfriend, and most importantly through his sudden apathy and rejection of me; so it makes me sad that he could so easily walk away with not even a proper explanation or thoughtful goodbye.

And up until his sudden judgment against me, the efforts toward friendship were totally mutual and strong; not one-sided at all. Well, or so he led me to believe. I can be naive sometimes. Sometimes people just need you for a while and they don't really see you. Yeah, maybe I was kinda like a prop for him for a short while and now more exciting things are on the horizon for him? I don't know...

I didn't see this coming at all, though. I feel kinda kicked. I have been judged, condemned, and apparently I have now been buried.

So, goodbye, you-know-who. I don't know what happened, but despite that, I do wish you well.

Wholeness of Soul Program 2005 - 2006

WHOLENESS OF SOUL PROGRAM
2005 – 2006
INVITATION & ITINERARY

This is what I have sent out to my community and friends as an invitation to a course I am teaching this year. If you are not familiar with all of the terms below, or you are new to the my work in any way, please see 7Paths for a Quick Introduction. There is a more thorough introduction to the Basic Teachings available there, too, along with a Glossary.

Okay, I am SO excited to finally be ready to offer this to all of you! Please feel free to share with everyone you know who might benefit from something this adventurous, exciting, and potentially important!

Wholeness of Soul is a course that was experimentally introduced in the year 2002. A tentative group formed and committed to the process that would come to be known as Wholeness of Soul. The results for all of us have proven to be so validating and powerful that I have chosen this course to be the basis of my first published book! I wanted to offer the course one more time, in different ways, before finalizing what I would create in book-form. In essence, each of you who participate will be a little, beautiful piece of history in the ever-unfolding library of The Michael Teachings!

The idea for WholeSouls came from my wondering what it would be like if I asked Michael exactly what the process would be if one were to want to completely embrace and/or transform one’s life. The initial response was an outline that would be painstakingly filled in over the next 2 years. On a fairly regular, monthly basis, Michael shared with us the deeper workings of our Personality, Essence, Life, and Relationships, extending into territory none of us could have anticipated. It felt like we were turned inside out, with the discovery that everything is more alive and beautiful than we ever let ourselves believe about our world, ourselves, and our loves. The personal, intimate, deeply moving exploration changed all of our lives on some level in quite profound ways.

When I had presented the idea to Michael, and after they had offered an outline, they then helped me define the phrase “Wholeness of Soul.” Michael described this state as something that is more an on-going process than it is a state of conclusion. Wholeness is not something that is ever completed and preciously folded into the life, but it’s more about the ability to access the totality of skills you already have, and how to gain the ones you may lack, so as to manage, create, accept, or transform ANYTHING & EVERYTHING in your life!

Most of the original group will gladly tell you that their lives have changed and that the course was far more meaningful than ever expected, but they will also tell you that life goes on and that it is the skills gained that made the difference. No one is ultimately completed; sitting, waiting to be ascended into some state of ultra-enlightenment. Most of us just feel as if we have been altered in dramatic, yet soft, loving ways that allow us to manage and create life far better, to manage and create relationships more lovingly, and to always choose Peace over Panic.

I’m not going to lie to you. This course takes EFFORT. It’s not a Quick Fix, but considering the span of a lifetime, putting effort into 6 months to a year for the sake of lovingly expanding your possibilities and unleashing your potential,… well, you are worth it.

I wish I could offer this course for free, but I choose to honor the time and energy it will take me, and has taken me, to create, channel, edit, and commit to this. I hope you can appreciate my choice. I will gladly work with any of you who might need a generous hand in accessing the course, but it will be very important for you to assume you can eventually manage to swing the cost. The experience of the course, itself, will have its own prosperous effect on you in the end! When you break down everything that is available in this course, you will see that this is actually an amazingly minor financial investment for the return. I hope you all will consider, and please invite others beyond our little “rogue” group. All are welcome!

JOINING A COURSE

PREREQUISITE: Essence & Personality Profile
If you do not have yours already, you will receive yours when the course begins.
PAYMENT:
Send me an email request for the course you choose. You will receive a personalized, secure, payment link. 50% is required to start the course, unless otherwise negotiated privately.

This course will be offered in THREE forms:

WS1Y (SUNDAY, MAY 29th @ 1pm – 3pm ET ONLINE)
One Year IN-DEPTH Course = $600 (can be paid in installments)
The One-Year Course entails: Two Hours of class each month; within 48 hours Email responses for Support with your homework; Private Forum access for Journaling and Homework, Monthly release of each Chapter of the Course; 3 Crisis Credits (1 credit equals email responses from Michael within 24 hours to one question during difficult challenges during the course); One Hour Post-Graduate Private Session (to be scheduled 30 days AFTER graduation) (bonus: those who pay in full receive 90 Minutes ADDITIONAL Private Channeling to be claimed at any time in any increments during the course). Missed classes are simply “made up” on your own time.

WS6M (begins SATURDAY, MAY 28th / New Chapter every 2 weeks)
Six Month EXPRESS Course = $300 (can be paid in installments)
The Six Month Course entails: requires tremendous amount of self-monitoring and responsibility; E-Handbook (one chapter every two weeks); Use of Private part of 7Paths Forum for unscheduled interaction and journaling; 5 Crisis Credits (1 Credit allows email response from Michael within 24 hours to one question during difficult challenges during the course); 30 Minute Post-Graduate Private Session (to be scheduled AFTER 30 days AFTER graduation) (bonus: those who pay in full receive 60 Minutes ADDITIONAL Private Channeling to be claimed at any time in any increments during the course). Missed classes are simply “made up” on your own time.

NOTE: Those who have already graduated from WholeSouls can participate in either group for FREE. You may participate, but you will not receive the bonuses or post graduate channeling. You will not receive Crisis Credits. You may participate in chats, forum interaction, journaling, offering support to other students, and you will receive the newly edited and completed WholeSouls Book.

WSNY
(begins SATURDAY, May 28th @ 6pm – 8pm / negotiable after group forms)
NYC WHOLESOULS COURSE = $600 (can be paid in installments)
If you are local to NYC and would like to participate in this course LIVE, in-person, please contact me ASAP! The LIVE course will be quite intense and VERY exciting to try in person! Details and arrangements will be sent to you! NYC Course also begins in MAY, is a 12 Month Course with monthly 2 hour sessions, Private Forum access for Journaling and Homework, monthly release of Chapters from the book, 60 minutes of LIVE channeling to be claimed 30 days AFTER graduation, and this version of the course is completed with an actual Graduation Ceremony! NYC Course includes 3 credits for the option of sitting in on an online class, if the local group cannot be met for any reason. (bonus: those who pay in full receive 60 minutes ADDITIONAL channeling that can be claimed by Phone, Online, or In-Person, in any increments during the course!)

WHOLESOULS ITINERARY

Session A
Chapter One

"The Instinctive Center and issues of Self-Reliance"

Synopsis:
Discussion as to the Instinctive Center’s nature and function, as well as choosing methods to discover your deeper, personal fear patterns that block you from freedom and joy. Topic will include discussion and details for understanding and immediately transforming your primary and secondary fear patterns that create challenges to your successes, and to intimacy, respectively. This session helps you learn to navigate WITH your fear, rather than being consumed by, or fighting against, your basic fears.

(NOTE: Help will be given for inviting contact with an inner or spiritual Guide for this course, as this will be vital for your support over the next many months.)


Session B
Chapter Two

"The Moving Center and issues of Self-Confidence"

Synopsis:
We will discuss the Moving Center’s nature and function, as well as how this particular Center manages your experiences of Success, Failure, the Body, and the Physical Plane. Topic will include discussion and details for understanding your Body Type and its inherent SHAME for this lifetime and how this ties into all of your Physical Plane struggles.


Session C
Chapter 3

"The Intellectual Center and issues of Self-Expression"

Synopsis:
We will discuss the Intellectual Center’s nature and function, as well as how this particular center manages your Beliefs, Expression, Honesty, and Communication. Topic will include discussion and details for understanding your Personality Attitude (your inherent philosophy) for the lifetime and how this ties into all of your understanding, perceptions, and interpretations of experiences.


Session D
Chapter 4

"The Emotional Center and issues of Self-Love"

Synopsis:
Discussion as to the Emotional Center’s nature and function, as well as how this particular center manages your Relationships within and without, addressing attachments to things such as Abandonment, Betrayal, and Envy. This Topic will include discussion and details for understanding your Personality Mode (method of approach to life and intimacy) for the lifetime and how to consciously facilitate it toward harmonizing your interactions and relationships.


Session E
Chapter 5

"The Higher Moving Center and issues of Essence-Harmony and Self-Care"

Synopsis:
Discussion as to the Higher Moving Center’s nature and function, as well as how this particular center uses Humor as a navigational tool with Laughter as its manifestation. We will discuss methods for how to easily access this center for immediate embrace or transformation in areas of isolation, chaos, discord, mistreatment, sadness, sedation, addiction, lethargy, and lack. This topic will address exactly what your Essence (soul) is specifically seeking and how this ties into your Goal (your primary motivation) for the lifetime.


Session F
Chapter 6

"The Higher Emotional Center and issues of Essence-Ecstasy and Self-Exploration"

Synopsis:
We will have discussion as to the Higher Emotional Center’s nature and function, as well as how this particular center uses Happiness as a navigational tool with Pleasure or Ecstasy as its manifestation. We will discover methods for how to easily access this center for embrace or transformation in areas of inspiration, intuition, choice, decisions, acceptance, and dilemmas. This topic will address exactly where Essence is in terms of your Soul Age and Level and what lessons and contexts are brought to bear through your specific stage of growth at this point.


Session G
Chapter 7

"The Higher Intellectual Center and issues of Essence-Awareness and Self-awareness"

Synopsis:
We will have discussion as to the Higher Intellectual Center’s nature and function, as well as how this particular center uses Truth as a navigational tool with Tears as the manifestation. When tears are involved, there is always a Truth being explored. We will discuss methods for how to easily access this center for embrace or transformation in areas of obsession, plans, details, control, surrender, difficulties, comprehension, trust, and spirituality. This topic will address exactly what your Essence is in terms of your Role (the way your soul expresses itself) and its particular themes across all of its lifetimes, discovering your Essence’s specific contribution to its Entity and Cadre.


Session H
Chapter 8

"Assessment, Assimilation, and Integration"

Synopsis:
This class will focus on all that has come to be shared and discovered over the first 7 classes, assessing where you are within that process, help in assimilating some of the more challenging details, and methods for truly owning and integrating the information-to-date. This session is for Personal Questions and Answers with Michael. A very different, casual, and intimate form of dialogue with Michael will be a part of the session; far more intimate and personal than with what you may be familiar.


Session I
Chapter 9

"Tools of Navigation for the Personality"

Synopsis:
Based on yours and Michael's assessment session, they will now offer suggestions of specific, customized tools for you to acquire, develop, and use for the remainder of the course, if not for the rest of your life. Michael will then discuss the practical uses of these tools, how to make them a part of your Personality and Essence, and how to begin to own the process of directing your life's creation or unfolding.


Session J
Chapter 10

"Beyond Self"

Synopsis:
Michael will help each of you explore the very basics of your Support Group for this lifetime. A Support Group is a circle of 12 Positions in your life that, when filled, opens your life to be lived to its fullest potential. Michael will help us define, identify, and attract these very important, vital people so that these Positions are never left unfulfilled again. You will, in turn, discover which Position you are inclined to fulfill in other Support Groups. You will never trick yourself into thinking you are alone again after this.


Session K
Chapter 11

"Beyond Essence"

Synopsis:
Michael will help each of us find specific ways to validate our support that comes from beyond Essence in the form of Guides, 'God', and/or any other forms of Energy. Michael will help us discover the "Kingdoms" of which we may be a part, as well as Teachers with which we may have further Agreements for study and evolution. After this session, Michael may begin meeting with each of you individually in a form or manner that you will have discovered as valid so as to teach you more specifically and long-term, if you choose.


Session L
Chapter 12

"Accepting Wholeness"

Synopsis:
This would ideally be our final session, focusing on any final areas of importance and direction as we have gained our new integration of physical and metaphysical tools for handling ALL areas of life, whether in challenge or in freedom. This will be a session focused on a 'graduation' of sorts. Michael will have an updated commentary for each of us in terms of what may or may not have profoundly changed because of this course.

BONUS GATHERING: each group will have a “family reunion” 6 months after the course ends, so as to see how each of us is doing!

The Interview of "Jane Doe" & Tara!

Okay, we have a couple more brave souls who are ready to be opened like a book...

Let's peek inside the pages of these two and see what we find. Remember the way this works? I post the interview questions HERE; TARA and "JANE" will then copy the questions to THEIR blog and respond to those questions in their own blogs. If you'd like to be interviewed, just see the rules at the bottom of this post. It's fun!

THE JANE DOE PROJECT
i am the other woman

THE INTERVIEW

Actually, I am NOT interviewing "Jane." That's just the name of her blog. JANE DOE is the anonymous name used to refer to the wife of the husband with which this blogger is apparently having an affair! INTRIGUED??!! Read on...

1. If you could describe yourself through the lyrics or title of a song, what would that be and why?

2. Considering the anonymity of your blog name and profile, do you find this gives you more freedom to be "you?" Explain.

3. Considering the content of your blog (which is riviting, btw), what do you find sacred in an intimate relationship, if anything at all?

4. Is the content of your blog fiction, and if not, do you plan to reveal yourself to the "Jane" to which you write? Do you know her, see her, regularly in your life?

5. The isolation and secrecy of an affair can be as utterly lonely as it is deliciously exciting; however there is ALWAYS an element of unfulfillment. What is the worst and best thing about your being in the position in which you find yourself with this husband?


TARA'S ONLINE JOURNAL
THE INTERVIEW

Tara is a fellow student of life and shares with me in the exciting studies offered from the channeled entity known as "Michael." I know her through my own work with channeling and writing through my web site and forum. She's such a delightful, spirited gal! Let's see what's inside; shall we?

1. You seem to be a person who is inclined toward the use of divinition tools or other symbolic mediums for navigating life. What is your favorite method and how often do you turn to it for guidance?

2. I know you are a student of "The Michael Teachings." What is it about the information that makes so much sense to you? How do you find you use it in your life?

3. I think I remember reading that you have an extensive background knowledge of Christianity. How do you find you extract and use the wisdom of Christianity, while also knowing how violent, oppressive, and divisive religion is, in general, but specifically Christianity? What phrase or short description would you use to describe the very basic teachings of Christianity?

4. Describe an experience that might have left you convinced that there is an afterlife, or at least that Consciousness may survive death.

5. In what way do you feel you express yourself the clearest as if from your soul? What medium of expression do you use? Do certain requirements need to be fulfilled before you feel you have that kind of freedom of expression?

If you are interested in being interviewed by me, here are the rules:

1. Leave me a comment saying “interview me.”
2.I will respond by asking you five questions here. They will be different
questions than the ones above.
3. You will update YOUR blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Blogger Censorship

Hey everyone! Today's post is for YOU, and hopefully you will help me out here!

Recently I commented that I write my blog entries with more concern about being honest, raw, and shameless than writing my entries to impress anyone else or for getting attention or for presentation. I have that same philosophy in my personal and public life that just seems to be naturally-inclined to be transparent and vulnerable; not packaged or presented in any way other than as who I am. Most people in my life would agree that they don't feel like they have to "get to know me;" they feel my vulnerability and honesty immediately and a closeness is encouraged very quickly. No surprises or facets or personas. Just me.

That being said, I am extremely mindful and considerate and perfectly appropriate for all social occasions. (Friends who know me, back me up here, please) You really can take me anywhere and I can be adaptable.

Well... THAT being said, recently I offended a fellow blogger by posting to his blog something he deemed inappropriate. I have a fairly close, extremely playful, and genuinely enthusiastic rapport with him, having contact nearly on a daily basis. My post was intended as playful, silly, and raunchy, but certainly NOT as offensive and inappropriate. My post was deleted with no indication as to why, nor was I informed in any way.

Today I asked about the situation and discovered the apparent offensiveness as interpreted from my rather innocent post. To make matters worse, the offense wasn't actually against the blogger, but against the imagined responses from his readers. He explained he was concerned about "grandmothers" and "moms" reading my words about the perils of living with straight girls and the inevitable funk of Scooter. New York Subway/Bus riders and my readers and friends will know that is... LOL!

Now, this entry ISN'T to dispute my fellow blogger's reaction or stance against my post. We talked and I totally, TOTALLY understand. I learned something new about my pal, today.

Instead, this post is a kind of survey. I think I may have been naive and clueless as to the motivations of others for a personal blog. Please use the COMMENTS link to answer these questions about which I am extremely curious now:

If you have a personal blog (not a commercial or specialized blog), do you blog for your audience or for yourself? Or for what other reason?

Do you censor your blog, knowing that there are certain people or kinds of people who read it?

Do you delete comments that do not absolutely praise and support you and your blog (other than spam)?

Do you believe that being published online for the world to see, along with activating interactive tools for all to use, is automatically an invitation for differing opinions and expressions? If not, do you believe that blog should indicate its restrictions and warn of censorship?

That's all. I'm very curious now!

And fellow blogger pal whom I offended: it won't happen again.

Thanks everyone!

Troy

A Good Week

This post was on hold for over a week... sigh... I have been SUPER BUSY submerged in codes and colors as I completely rebuild, revamp, and upgrade my site: 7paths.com By the time you read this, it should be accessible, even if still a bit shakey as I continue updating everything.

Okay, so here is the delayed post ((happy now, Parley??:

This week was pretty wonderful. In addition to a general good feeling of accomplishment in my personal endeavors, I was also rewarded with the wonders that NYC offers. I was able to see ANNIE HALL on the big screen, which is a classic Woody Allen film. There is something so heartwarming and nostalgic about all of Woody's films. It really plays on a part of me that philosophizes about life, death, relationships... it's like, he can capture the darkest of thoughts about these things and then somehow allow that freedom to be the actual inspiration that gives you the power to either figure things out or to accept them without incident. He's truly a rare art. I was able to snap a shot of the big screen during the movie, too! Don't worry; I didn't use flash!

These classics nights at the theater are hosted by Hedda Lettuce, whom you know graces the pages of my blog quite a bit. When I find someone or something that inspires or makes me laugh, it is held with great respect by me. I am seriously grateful for Hedda, who can be completely trusted to make an entire room laugh till their faces and stomachs hurt.

Carlos, Troy, Taren, Hedda hangin' out after the show

Now get this... as Carlos and I were eating at Burritoville, he noticed an old film poster on the wall featuring an artistic rendition of the actress Maria Felix. Check out Maria next to Hedda!

UNCANNY

MORE HEDDA NIGHT PIX:

Vanessa, Carlos, Cyprus, Nick, and I got to see VENUS HUM, too! That was FANTASTIC!! I loved her (them) before hearing them live, but now a new dimension has been added to my appreciation. Check out my photos of Annette singing her heart out!

CocteauBoy all Venus Hummed UP

Nick, Vanessa, Cyprus, Carlos

VENUS HUM @ PIANOS

Venus Hum sang/performed 3 new songs that were immediate hits with all of us and several of our favorites! I got to speak with her and thank her for her art, spending several minutes with her adorable and friendly husband discussing their hopeful, upcoming return to NYC! YAY!

Good times... Good times...

More current updates will be posted in subsequent posts...

The Interview of Mykey

Mykey has offered up his soul for interview!

So here you go! Remember the way this works? I post the interview questions HERE; Myke will then copy the questions to HIS blog and respond to them THERE.

QUESTIONS:

Would you please list your top FIVE favorite bands of all-time, along with links and reasons for their placement at the top? What do these bands do for you that other bands do not? What might be your favorite line, chorus, or lyrics from one of these bands?

You are very resistent and/or dismissive of intimacy and positive affection. Why do you think this is the case, and what conditions would need to be met before you felt safe and truly vulnerable with another person or boyfriend?

Have you ever exacted revenge on someone? If so, what were the circumstances and was the effort worth it? If not, why? And if not, are there circumstances where you wanted to very seriously, but did not?

What is the most hurtful thing you have ever unintentionally said to another person and wish you hadn't said it?

Do you know that you are beautiful and wanted; that you are meaningful to several, if not many, people? If so, how often do you allow yourself to bask in that truth? If not, why do you think you lie to yourself that you are not these things?

THERE YOU GO!

Whooosh!

Troy Radio PART TWO

In an effort to create a way for my clients and students to begin hearing, downloading, and purchasing audio sessions from our local groups, I continue to experiment with creating a "radio" that streams well and will eventually look pretty good.

Check out the latest experimentation and let me know what you think!

Interview Me!

Well, it seems the big thing rotating across blogland is the interview process. It's actually a brilliant idea that weaves everyone together across the blogs. I love it. It's WAY better than that stupid Q&A that gets sent perpetually around in email where everyone just piles more responses on top of responses and then forwards that. This interview craze across the blogs is much more thoughtful and personal.

If you are interested in being interviewed, just follow the rules below my interview.

The Playful Parley is my interviewer of the day. Here are his questions:

PARLEY:
1- Have you had any negative reactions from people when you told them about your nontraditional spiritual/belief system? Did you simply “move on”, or try to help them understand?

TROY:
Wow. When I think about this, I realize I haven't really ever had a negative response. The worst responses have just been a playful taunting or courteous dismissal and then a moving on to other topics. I'm not sure if that's because of how I present it and live it, or because of the nature of the philosophy, itself. I have no investment in converting anyone, so I think people feel more inclined to either explore with me or to just move on to more common ground.

The Michael Teachings are not a "belief system," which is synonomous with "Religion," which The Michael Teachings are not, either. The body of knowledge known as The Michael Teachings is offered as a SINGLE perspective of the universe among MANY valid perspectives and philosophies. The information is an evolving body of wisdom that has no authority and it invites one to validate it through one's own experiences, rather than accepting it just because someone said it was true, or just because it exists. All of the insights and wisdom are rooted in a completley non-threatening stance and because the details of it's basic structure are quite logical and almost immediately practical, I think it must be very hard to respond negatively to it. There is no effort to proselytize or convince anyone of anything. It's a very peaceful philosophy that inherently diffuses any objection.

Many of my very close friends have very little to do with my work with channeling and The Michael Teachings. FOr that matter, many of my close friends aren't even vegetarian or vegan, which is probably more actively important to me than even my personal spirituality! My friends just experience me as a whole person; not defined by anything less than everything about me, and I extend the same acceptance and love to them. Some very few of my close friends, especially my best friends, are very close to my work with channeling and The Michael Teachings (and animal rights, incidentally). They participate in my groups in person and online and seriously work to apply the knowledge they gain from The Michael Teachings.

The most uncomfortable situations are when out at a lounge or bar or in a new social situation where people ask me what I do for a living. There are so many misunderstandings about my work because of media and fear, so I cringe and get very shy about sharing. I usually try to explain, first, that I am a counselor, but that doesn't usually fly because they ask more details, so I explain myself as a "metaphysical counselor." This will usually quiet down the person who doesn't like big words, but most then probe more. So I just say what I do.

There are three classic reactions I can expect, from least likely to most likely:

1. Flat-out (usually playfully taunting) statement that "that stuff is bullshit"
2. Courteous dismissal
3. and the most-often heard: "oooeeehhhhwwwww! what can you tell me about ME!??"

... and then I just run!

PARLEY:
2- You seem to remain friends with your “exes”. Is this something you’ve specifically worked at, or has it just turned out that way because of the individuals?

TROY:
This situation seems to generate itself effortlessly, but I have to admit that the bond remains more because of the efforts WITHIN the relationship, more than after. Ultimately, it takes two of us to remain friends, so it's not all about my efforts.

My relationship with someone who chooses to be my boyfriend turns more into a journey than anything else. I have learned to think of a boyfriend as an evolution being shared between two people, rather than as a conclusion that now just needs to be protected. I assume my boyfriend is the LAST BOYFRIEND EVER, but I just don't close us in with a sedentary heaviness that a lot of relationships try to have.

I do put a lot of love and work into all of my relationships, focusing on growth, acceptance, adventur, and inspiration. It's not an easy thing at all, but it has always been something I found worthy of that effort, so I give my everything... my EVERYTHING... nothing is spared and everything is vulnerable in me.

I think my boyfriends have always known that I really put my heart and soul into Loving. I don't think they ever meant to take me for granted, and I never ultimately blamed them for my feeling hurt or loss. I actively supported their personal paths and found it more important for them to know they are loved than to punish them. I also believed somehow that to reject them for not being exactly what I wanted them to be would be somehow rejecting a part of myself in the process. I just didn't want to feel so splintered with anger and loss.

In the end, I think each boyfriend eventually wanted to love me as much I seemed to love them all along. Remaining friends with them allowed them the freedom to express THEIR ability to Love me.
And then we all win!

Don't get me wrong; I kicked, screamed, cried, and felt so devestated with loss at times that I seriously thought I was going to die... but that was long ago while in the process of learning to Love. I've come a LONG way. For instance, my relationship with Nick transitioned fairly calmly, with compassionate tears and soft grieving, but it was all very gentle.

My philosophy has always been: If I truly love you, then why would a change in our relationship with each other change anything at all?

So I (try to) choose Love.

I am very grateful when I look back and see my past still alive with people.


PARLEY:
3- How (if at all) has your blog changed based on the individuals you know are reading it? Do you “edit” for your audience? Why or why not?

TROY:
This might be hard to believe, but until recently, I almost ALWAYS forgot that people were reading my blog. Or I should say, it just wasn't really a factor. When I write an entry, it's just... Me. When I talk out my emotions and detail my day, it's all for the sake of record and memories and to work out emotions and feelings or track my dreams.

Over the past few months, however, it has become more known to me that I have a lot of readers I never knew I had! This is more often in the back of my mind when I write and now I do little things like share music, favorite things, or concepts. I'm more appreciative of the fact that people are reading and getting something from my entries describing my insecurities and woes and celebrations and silliness! Who knew!

I never edit my entries, except grammatically, if I catch my mistakes. It's ALL there. As I said in the previous response: I give EVERYTHING in a relationship and I think of a blog as some weird kind of relationship with myself.

All of that being said, I only edit to the extent that I actually edit in "real" life. I DO keep some things to myself or a chosen few, like sexual experiences, crazy habits and crazy thoughts, and certain crushes.


PARLEY:
4- Is it ever OK to lie to someone you love? If so, when?

TROY:
Honesty is HUGELY IMPORTANT TO ME!!!!!! I can smell a lie a mile away, and that's even if you are just lying to yourself and not to me. I cannot STAND dishonesty... HOWEVER, I have lied and I have loved those whom I have discovered lied to me. The only reason one ever lies is because of Shame, with Manipulation coming in a close second, but even that is usually as a means to cover Shame. When I feel a need to lie, I question why I would feel Shame and try to own that. If someone else lies to ME, I usually try to have compassion for the Shame that person is trying to hide.

But I still DESPISE lying. Why? I think it's because of what it implies. I love feeling trust and closeness around me, so when someone lies, it's like a rip in the fabric of energy we share. Beyond the obvious, lying really is violating on so many levels.

And come to think of it... it's not the actual lying that I despise; it's when someone lies about lying! If I call you out on a lie and you own up... hey, that's a step toward Love. You keep on lying... that's pushing us toward being truly invisible to each other.


PARLEY:
5- Would you like to have children? Why or why not?

TROY:
I would totally make the best dad EVER, even if the child would eventually be diagnosed as insane because of my upbringing, d'oh! But unless Carlos surprises me with some interesting news, there won't be any children. I don't have a passion for having children, nor do I have a resistence. If I were financially and emotionally available enough to care for the life of a child, I think I would GLADLY offer up my life and home for children.

If you are interested in being interviewed by me, here are the rules:

1. Leave me a comment saying “interview me.”
2.I will respond by asking you five questions here. They will be different
questions than the ones above.
3. You will update YOUR blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Troy Radio

Hey, if any of you would like to enjoy some music, you are welcome to pop over to my work site where I have created a "TrueGroove Lounge." Requires Windows Media Player and a Broadband connection. There are two playlists: one is entirely Cocteau Twins and the other is a compilation. Both are sets of the type of music I listen to while channeling, writing, sleeping, meditating, etc. Okay, but for the record COCTEAU TWINS are my entire soul in song. There is nothing created by them that does not reflect my inner landscape. So, if you want to see what it feels like to live in my heart, listen to Cocteau Twins' playlist. If you want to see what it's like to live in my apartment, listen to the Electro-Ambient-Groove playlist. BOTH are gorgeous, tricklingly delicious, transcendent, and quite groovy! Once you get to the site, leave the window open for your listening pleasure, but just push the play button on whichever player you wish to have take you into a swim of music from between the worlds...

LINK> TrueGroove Lounge

Groovy Wizardry n Starlight

Carlos and I attended a performance called DANCE OFF last night at PS 122 in the East Village. Some of the pieces were just wonderful! Review to come!

After, we popped around the corner to Starlight where the frickin' adorable local celebrity Soce, The Elemental Wizard (my gay, jewish, white-boy, Harvard-graduate rapper friend) was holding his impromptu gathering for no reason in particular. He'd invited all his peeps to bring an artistic rendering of themselves doing something they enjoyed doing as a child. I failed to do one, but Carlos whipped one up while we ate dinner. He drew a maniacal child chasing rabbits past a tree. LOL! It was so cute! Props to Socè (pronounced so-say) who makes me want to big up myself, yo, and talk all yo and shit, whenever I talk to him.

Even though I look like I am a scolded puppy or a beatnick reject in these pictures, I really kinda like it, so I wanted to post them. They are from last night.

Carlos n Troy