Tuesday, January 20, 2004


Well, today is my birthday. I am 36. I have now reached an oddly symbolic age since this is the end of a second set of 18 years. I remember not being able to wait until I was 18 years old; now I have lived that age twice!

The nice thing about getting older for me is that I actually LIKE getting older. I am fascinated by it. The world's changes, my body's changes, my emotional experiences, my perspectives,... it is fascinating to me to see the patterns of Time.

I have never really feared getting older or even dying. To me, these are two things that are as natural as gravity and green. The only time I have ever had any strange feelings about getting older/dying was just recently, and only briefly. It was after accidentally stumbling across a web cam for Time's Square here in NYC. I launched the cam and watched the streets. It was around 5am so the streets were fairly quiet, but they were also amazingly alive. I saw the buses pulling through the intersection, sporadic images of people walking down the street, the lights from the giant signs all blazing in the dark grey winter light of such earliness. I don't know why this is so beautiful to me, but it is. (Oh, the irony of being in awe of the patterns of Time, while being so moved by the patterns of Time's Square!)

And that's when I felt it...

For the first time in my entire life I had a feeling similar to claustrophobia sweep over me and I thought: "I am really going to miss this." I felt jealousy and panic and claustrophobia and a deep, deep, grief. It wasn't about dying or getting older, but more about feeling this rich and powerful Love for this life and NYC and Earth and the beauty of animals and insects and plants and people. I just thought how perfectly and profoundly fantastic it all is.

I have always felt like an alien in this life, not so much because I am inherently different from a lot of people, but because I have never been able to take this planet for granted. Whether I am in Nature or in Time's Square, I marvel at it all and I can't help but think, "What a fucking great idea this was!!" I mean, seriously, if some "higher power" did conceive this, It was brilliant. And if this is all some cosmic accident?? All the more reason for me to be in awe!

Yeah, I know there is pain and suffering, but if you actually look at everything as a whole, pain and suffering are proportionally a very small part of the picture. And then at least half of all of that pain and suffering isn't because of something "real", but because of the way we choose to interpret events. 99% of the time, the world we experience can change into something more awesome and beautiful with just a slight change in attitude/perception/interpretation.

Anyway, so I had that slightly suffocating feeling of realizing one day I would not be here, at least in this body in this form I call "troy", seeing the world in my own unique way. I will miss "me", too, I am sure. I know it sounds slightly morbid to be talking about these things in this way, but that kind of thinking is another of the things that makes me, "me", and it helps me to appreciate every single day.

They say that one of the last "lessons" of a Soul is to "learn to love the schoolroom", which means loving this world and your life in it. I absolutely love this place.

I hope it isn't my last lesson here.

(more details later about my surprise tiny love birthday party from Nick and Cyprus! what sweetnesses...)

TIME'S SQUARE CAM Choose CAM 1 for the most fun....

Sunday, January 18, 2004


Well, I have finally uploaded the photos from our New Year's and Christmas gatherings! YAY! PHOTOS We had such a great time over the holidays. Since my digital camera was part of my Christmas gifts from Cyprus, you can see that I had no clue how to adjust any settings for good photos, but I just consider them "artful". I'm learning...

Thursday, January 15, 2004

Blustery Boy

Oh my GOD it is cold! My fingers were burning and itching within minutes this morning while walking Spyder. That might be because I was excited to be out in the powdery snow of the pre-6 a.m. street traffic, so took my camera and was trying to snap photos through the wind and sharp snow flakes. I LOVE that: the quiet blanket of snow over the beautiful streets of my neighborhood. Spyder danced and played in the drifts while I tried to take pictures of her. She is quite a bit retarded, so a photo shoot of her was not easy, but she was adorable with her wide eyes, darting, and snorting of the snow. Today the chill is going to get even worse, with winds up to 45 miles per hour and the chill being between -35 and -50 at some points!

Now this is winter! I love it!

I've decided to use ofoto as my image storing source, so you will most likely be asked to register and sign in to see any pix I post. I've been signed up with this service for a long time and I have never received obnoxious promotions or ads from them, so you should be fine. Besides, if you register, you can comment on the photos, save the albums, create your own, etc. It's a way cool service!

See pix of my morning, here!


Sunday, January 11, 2004


What does it mean to someone when one says something is "blessed"? I understand it in terms of religious mythology, of course, but when one has a more inclusive and broader spirituality, how does "blessing" become interpreted and applied?

Does "blessing" become a metaphorical term to indicate that one has simply become more Aware or Conscious of an exchange?

Does "blessing" mean more about expressing/acknowledging gratitude?

Does "blessing" mean more about a sense that you are infusing a thing or Being with a finer energy conducted through you?

What exactly does it mean to you?

What is the purpose, and how does this improve things for all parts involved?

I ask this because there are many practices that are just blindly applied, such as saying "bless you" when someone sneezes. Why do we do that beside to satisfy a social pressure? Does anyone really mean it? Does something occur that is beneficial for anyone?

Why don't we bless a person who has burped or farted?

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

Singing Fools & Green Love

Last night we celebrated Don's birthday by hanging out at Pieces and listening to/participating in AWFUL Karaoke hell. I will be posting pics tonight. Taren, Richie, Alex, Jeffrey, Don, Josh, and I had a great time, despite the crescendo of "singing" voices emitting painful sound at the end of SUMMER LOVIN'.

I have always held a soft spot for Don's friends whom I had met only briefly in the past, but with time spent with them recently because of the holidays, I can conclusively say I REALLY like them! They are very sweet, thoughtful, and mature guys, despite the lascivious slurping over my boyfriend.

Nick sang last night and when he sings the room changes from being a corn-ball, off-key, homo frenzy to seeming ALMOST like a serious venue for talent! It is amazing to watch him. He commands the floor, captures the attentions of all the boys, and silkens the room with sound.

Of course, this makes the already-lascivious boys of Don almost pee themselves with desire for Nick. Although I am MOSTLY fine with this harmless expression of attraction for Nick, I have to say that a teensy part of me was/is jealous and annoyed. Ironically, as I stood processing some of the more annoying and jealous feelings, (you know, not taking it too seriously and keeping things in perspective) suddenly this guy who was probably one of the prettiest guys I have ever seen (and everyone had been commenting on how amazingly attractive he was) came over to me, leaned across a table, took my hand, and just started talking, saying he was compelled to talk to me,... he asked my name, what I did for New Years, etc. It was VERY awkward and I was completely taken aback. All of my friends just stared and Nick stood there tolerating the entire scene. And then it was over. He just smiled, relaxed his grip on my hands, slid them away, and said we would talk more, later.

That was just the strangest thing! So in the middle of this processing and letting go of the annoying feelings about feeling so unattractive, feeling jealous of Nick's attention from these guys, I suddenly became the center of attention from the cutest guy in the place (besides my burn-your-hands-and-heart hot boyfriend)! It was very exciting and confusing and embarrassing and satisfying at the same time.

Why do I have to be so hard on myself...?!! Maybe I'm not the doughy, boring, John Goodman-lookalike I see in my head?

Tuesday, January 06, 2004


See, this is what I hate about the holidays. As much as I LOVE the holidays because of the glee, the snow, the cheer, the presents, the giving, the gatherings,... I always forget that I and my friends are such a minority. It seems so foreign and barbaric to me to actually go and cut down a tree, or to pick through a virtual graveyard of dying trees, decorate its dead body in your living room, and then, while it is bleeding saps and losing strength of needles, you laugh with families and friends and celebrate the season, and THEN you toss this dying thing because its life has been taken for a couple of weeks of your stupidity. I don't know why this surprises me and makes me sad. I saw these trees tonight as I was walking Spyder. I took a few moments to thank and mourn all of the trees who died so that people could have a wire-and-light-bound beauty to stick boxes under.

And what about our lovely Rockefeller Center Tree? It's all going to be mulch soon. It reminds me of that movie, BABE, wherein the little piggies were forced to make the damn movie and then killed afterwards. I think a unique and brilliant idea is to have Rockefeller Center host an artistic rendition of a Tree each year. One could sculpt, build, create a tree each year! I don't know... it's a suggestion.

Now why can't people enjoy a kick-ass tree like ours!!?
FiberOptic Fantasy!

Now isn't that nice...? Here's our other fancy ass tree:

God knows what kind of hell came from creating these artificial trees, too...

Oh! And speaking of Body Bags...

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me know if you are interested in accompanying me and my gang to see this world premiere to help all of the amazing animals on this planet who suffer every day. Here are details:


Saturday, February 28
Lincoln Center - Alice Tully Hall
6 pm Reception / 7 pm Screening
Please join us as we debut Peaceable Kingdom at one of the nation's most respected arts venues, Lincoln Center! The filmmakers and many of the documentary's subjects will be attending and will answer audience questions after the screening.

General Admission: $25
Multiple Tickets (min. 5): $15
Premium Seating: $100
Lincoln Center's
Alice Tully Hall is located on Broadway at 65th St. in Manhattan
for more information: TRIBE OF HEART

I really love this world we live in, and I think we are doing ok, if you ask me, but what an amazing planet of people we could be when our compassion extends beyond our own species. I imagine this kind of compassion couldn't help but extend deeply into our own species, as well.

Ahhh, to dream....


Monday, January 05, 2004


God, I am struggling to get my ass back into the routine of work. I never thought I would become such a drone, and I don't know how long I can continue in such a state. I am an extremely adaptable person, but because of the way things are run and how people are treated at my job, it makes this one of the least appealing positions ever. It's so frustrating, because it would take only a slight change to make this one of the best jobs ever, but because the place is run by socially-crippled, ignorant fucks, it makes everyone involved lose all interest in team work and loyalty. UGGGHHH! Things are a-gonna haffta change....

Saturday, January 03, 2004

Okay, here it is.... my potential template! This is just another test as I seek for one to which to commit!

Thursday, January 01, 2004


Well, here it is! The new home for my Personal Blog! I never could get used to using that damn MoveableType. Besides, using MoveableType meant using valuable space on my own server and Blogger graciously hosts us without question!

I am about to launch my revamped web site and cannot wait to personalize/customize this Blogger template to match my little 7Paths world!

So this is my testing, testing, one, two, three post! YAY!