Sunday, December 21, 2008

DREAM: I Don't Eat Squirrels and Kittens!

More bizarre symbolism in the realm of dreams continuing...

I dreamt I was at the grocery store and standing at the counter for, I think, a bakery section. Next to it was the butcher section. Somehow my order for whatever I was getting from the bakery got mixed up with the butcher and he started talking to me as he chopped something. I could see that it was the limp body of a squirrel. He chopped off the legs, the head, and the tail so that there was only left this horrible, gray, wet tube of a body. He started cutting up a second one. I started to intervene, but the butcher was so clueless and thinking he was being so nice to make it all wrapped up for me... so I just smiled and tried to be polite. (NOTE: that would never happen in waking life. I would have said something immediately.) I just kept thinking, Well, I will get my stuff from the bakery and take what this butcher gave me, but hand off what the butcher gave me to someone else who would want it. The butcher had struck up conversation with me and I was politely exchanging with him, wishing I could just hurry up and get out of there. He had said something about kittens and I took it as an opportunity to speak up about how much I love animals. The butcher said, "Well, let me see... I think we have some around here," and he started sliding open panels behind the butcher case. He smiled all big and said, "Oh. HERE!" and pulled out a limp kitten. Before I could even realize what he was doing and what he was holding, he had chopped off the head. The body kicked. It had still been alive! He then reached under for another and pulled out a second kitten! He said, "I'm really sorry, but this one is feral. It might be a bit tougher." My mind was having a hard time wrapping around what was happening, He struggled to hold the kitten as it spit and clawed and fought him. The butcher's rubber gloves gripped the kitten by the ears, pulled them back so that the eyes were all stretched out, and he maneuvered the kitten to be on its side on the butcher block. That's when I finally freaked out. I screamed. I wailed out. I could barely scream out my words intelligibly, but I was screaming, "Oh my god! WHY! Why do you do this! How can you people eat these animals and hurt them like this!! If you don't understand how insane this is, you ARE insane!!" and on and on and on... until I woke up.

It was really intense and upsetting in the dream, and so NOT how I would have handled it in waking life, but it was cathartic and disturbing.

Now, I know I have phases when I dream things that are graphic, horrific, and bizarre, but I have yet to really grasp WHY! I mean, these are so weird!!

NOTE: I had watched part of ZODIAC, the movie about the "Zodiac Killer" of California's past. When detectives got a warrant to investigate a suspect's trailer home, it was swarming with squirrels inside. The imagery was striking, so I think part of my dream was influenced by that.

Mostly, I think this dream plays out my undercurrent of frustration for being forced to be polite, kind, and enduring around people whom I love, but who do not grasp the true horror of what they do when they eat animals. I don't realize it, but I imagine this forces a difficult skew within me as I accommodate the majority of apathy and ignorance for the suffering of animals, while living in a constant tortured state of wishing I could abolish all forms of cruelty and exploitation. I suppose this dream was helping to release that which I cannot in my waking life.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

DREAM: Watching You Watching Me

I seem to have continued this bizarre theme from LAST TUESDAY...

I dreamt that I had my laptop in my bed with me and had fallen asleep with it on my nightstand.  I had been using SEESMIC earlier and involved in various video conversations, so I had left the site up and the laptop had gone into its "sleep mode."

Suddenly the laptop burned back into life and lit up the room.  Because the room was so dark, I couldn't see beyond the array of light from the screen. Seesmic was still up in the browser and a new video had refreshed in to a conversation I had been in earlier and it started playing... one of my Seesmic friends was laughing and saying, "Okayyy, Troy, what was THAT about?" and from my half-sleep I thought, I don't know, what is she talking about. Then another video refreshed into the conversation and another Seesmic friend said, "Uhh, Troy, did you leave your camcorder running? Ha ha..."

So now I sat up a bit and pulled the laptop to me to see what they were talking about...  In the video thread of conversations I saw that there were two videos posted by me in the past 10 minutes, but I had been asleep!  I played the first one back:  it was just a 2 or 3 minute video of my empty chair at my office desk.  I thought, wow, DID I somehow leave the cam running? But then, how did it post?

I played the next video: Now the camera dismounted and it wobbled to show movement.  Still no one in the video, but the view was the camera being carried away from my desk and toward my bedroom door.  That's when I became slighly paralyzed with confusion and panic, but before I could really consider what I was seeing, another video refreshed into the timeline on Seesmic and it was another post from "me!" I clicked to play it: this time, I was IN the video... sitting in my bed, lit only by the light from my laptop screen. 

I cannot express to you the terror that coursed through me as I realized what I was seeing! I looked up from the laptop and toward my bedroom doorway... my eyes had to adjust, but as I strained through my panic to see what was there, I finally made out... a blinking red light from my camcorder, being held there, recording me... and I could only barely make out the silhouette of someone just standing there... holding it. 

Before I could react, the video timeline refreshed and several videos began playing, each person saying, Oh My GOD Troy, GET OUT OF THERE!  GET OUT OF THERE!!  I had no idea where to go, how to run, or what to do...

And I woke up.


Tuesday, December 16, 2008

DREAM: I'm Only Here To Love You

For some of you who actually read my blog, you know I have wild dreams and often they are bizarre and even apocolyptic and dark.  Such a contrast to my daily life, which is like a mix of high-comedy skits and cartoon antics laced with I Love Lucy moments.

Well, last night I had one of the strangest dreams I've ever had and I have a feeling it was prophetic in some way, so I am archiving it here.  I've discovered over the years that peppered throughout my journal are near-LITERAL dreams that I find only years later had some serious relevance to my daily life.  The most recent being, of course, my dream about wandering around in a foreign country, looking for my heart/love, and feeling a state of anxiety I likened to suffocation/drowning... fast-forward 4 years into the future and I am living in The Netherlands because I followed my heart for love and I am dying in a hospital bed from Pnuemonia!

So my dream last night may have some significance, though I have a feeling it might be more symbolic in the end... but you never know, so here goes:

I dreamt I was living in a home from my past, during High School, back in Indiana.  I woke up in the middle of the night and the experience was desperately-vivid, lucid.  I was awakened by the realization that SOMEONE was in the room with me.  I was still for a moment as I tried to figure out what to do.  The panic was controlled, but it was like a terrifying short-circuiting and it was blinding.  I had no idea what to do... so I suddenly LEAPT from my bed, throwing back the covers and grabbing a netting I had been working on from the floor. 

(In the dream, this netting was some kind of project I had been working on and it was made from recycled materials; sort of like the plastic circles used to hold six-packs together, woven into a large net). 

I grabbed up the netting and just started swinging it hysterically and screaming out for my mom.  I ran from my bedroom, through the living room, and into the kitchen just outside of my parents bedroom, screaming for help.  My mom casually stepped out into the dim glow from the windows and asked what the hell was wrong with me.  I know I was speaking, but having a hard time expressing that I knew someone was in my room.  She said, hold on, calm down, let me help... and she grabbed a pair of scissors from the kitchen counter; meat scissors. 

At first I thought she was going to go with me back to my room and help me confront this intruder, but then I felt a tug on the netting I was carrying and I glanced down to find she was holding parts of it and CUTTING IT APART! I remember feeling completely lost and abandoned by her not taking me seriously and only using the opportunity to do something hurtful (which is clearly a fragment of memory from the abuse I did endure from her).  I tugged the netting from her and, shaking, stepped back toward the living room toward my bedroom, trying to ignore my mom's laughing at me and dismissing my terror. 

As I stepped into the living room, lightning flashed from outside and cast shadows for several seconds... long enough for me to see the silhouette of a man cast onto the wall outside of my bedroom!  The shadow of the man was holding a shovel.  For some reason, I lashed out again hysterically, swinging the net and rushing toward my bedroom doorway, entering, and slamming in to the guy standing there.  I just kept swinging this net and hitting and banging in to this guy.  He grabbed my shoulders and said, "Calm down, CALM down..." he said this in severe whispers, pressing his mouth close to my ear.  He shook me and said to LOOK at him... I calmed down enough for him to say, "I LOVE YOU. I've always loved you.  I've been following you and I finally found you. I just wanted us to be together and tell you I love you." 

I stayed calm long enough for him to say all of this... and then he kissed me.  The kiss was soft, electric, and melted into me.  He stood for a second and looked at me while I tried to make sense of what was happening.  He smiled as if he knew I would understand... and then I freaked out on him again and started screaming and flailing and hitting him and swinging the net at him, so he dashed to my window, straddled the window sill, and smiled back at me, disappearing out into the darkness. 

I ran over to my window and slid it shut, pressing my face up against the glass to see if I could see where he had run off into the rain...

Then I sat on my bed and realized the shocking mix of deep recognition of this person and the absolute, soothing effects from his whispers and his kiss, with the terrifying idea of someone finding his way into my personal space just to prove something to me.  I sat for a long time, completely at a loss as to what to do or what to feel, but kept playing that kiss and his trying to calm me down, over and over in my mind... until I fell asleep again. 

The sun was shining into my room when I awoke and for a brief moment I realized that I must have been dreaming the experience from the night before... until I saw my cut-up netting lying sprawled across my floor.... and then realized that I had an arm holding me from around my waist from behind, with a body spooning warmly against me. 

I shot out of the bed and slammed my back against the door to look back at my bed and see this man had come back through my window in the night and had crawled into bed with me, holding me.  Again, I felt the rush of pure satisfaction and recognition, mixed with the horror of this happening at all! 

Before I got a chance to scream or freak out any further, he got out of my bed, straddled the window sill again, and was smiling patiently at me, looking back at me and saying, "You shouldn't be scared. I'm only here to love you." He played whimsically with a flap in the screen where he had apparently sliced it, and said, "Sorry about the screen. You should just leave your window open next time."  And he slipped away...

And I woke up in my "real" room and sat up, looking around at my windows, walls, doorway, listening, and adjusting to the dark and shadows and sounds... and feeling that same mix of horror and the warm remembering of a love I almost forgot, but that hadn't forgotten me, and had found me again.

The symbolism in this dream is rich, but there's something prophetic about it, too... I can feel it.

We'll see...

Sunday, December 14, 2008

VLOG: What I Saw Tonight (parts one & two)

Tonight, my friends Priscilla and Nick and I went to le Poisson Rouge for a last-stop performance from MY BRIGHTEST DIAMOND and CLARE & THE REASONS. I was only a peripheral fan, but I was moved by the flawless ebbs and flow between playful dances and dark pleasantness. I fell in love with both bands and am now a permanent fan.

This is what New York is all about... I am so happy to be able to swim in the aural bliss of such creative people from our world.

VLOG: What I Saw Tonight (part one) from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

VLOG: What I Saw Tonight (part two) from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

Monday, December 01, 2008

VLOG: 120108

VLOG: 120108 from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

Just an update about my MRI and XRAY results; my new PONCHO!! and an encouragement toward more video exchanges. The end credits cut off a letter, so they should read "share" and "cocteauboy." and

Search for CocteauBoy on each and add me!

Monday, November 17, 2008

Saturday, November 15, 2008


As a citizen of the United States and as someone who feels the importance of standing for equality and rights for all people, I invite each of you to take part in THE NATIONAL DAY OF PROTESTS across America against Prop 8.

This is not just a Gay Rights issue, but a CIVIL RIGHTS issue.

FOUR States have written in to Constitutional Law the identification and categorizing of a specific group of people having less rights than other groups. Even if it might not affect you directly, it is still important to stand in support because your group could be next. This removal of the rights for minorities cannot be tolerated.

We fought this kind of crap in the '60s when Blacks were LEGALLY identified as sub-human, and had no rights to marry, or to marry outside of their race, even suffering the wrath of religious condemnation as "Immoral." Now that seems absurd and archaic. Yet it's happening again. THIS is no different.

And just because this is not as public as a fight for the right to vote, does not mean this is a matter to dismiss. In fact, this is more insidious because these laws are reaching into the private lives of individuals and taking their rights away and exercising control over the most intimate levels of life.

PLEASE come out and stand for equality, Saturday, November 15th across the United States.

JOIN THE IMPACT/Transform the H8

If you have a cam and a mic, PLEASE join the conversation at SEESMIC:

National Day of Protest against H8

Friday, November 14, 2008

CocteauBoyTV: Racism vs Prejudice

Whoops! I almost forgot to post this to my blogs!

Episode Six: Racism vs Prejudice from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

VLOG: 103008

Today's Vlog! I talk about Mayhem, Medicine, and MURDER! And my new reading glasses!

Vlog: 103008 from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Assassination Plots

Several weeks ago, before the DNC, I had a huge influx of psychic static that led me to be very concerned about a potential assassination of Obama. In addition to my psychic static, I suddenly found that a fellow MySpacer had been privy to a band of people on their way to DNC to do just that. So I was very worried. During the DNC, a handful of fools were arrested for plotting the assassination. I was convinced that this was not what I had sense was on the horizon and that these were just some doofus middle-american ass-wipes with guns. The sense I had was of a fairly elaborate network planning this, not these dorks.

But who knows... these could have been the planned patsies who bumbled the whole plan and ruined the more elaborate plan?

By the way, the reason I call this "psychic static" is because it wasn't like a clear sense or some kind of distinct information; it was more like... static. Like an electrical charge with tons of bits of information that hadn't taken form. It was really unnerving and I didn't really know what to do with it, so I wrote about it. After the fact, I suspect this energy was some kind of charge created from among a lot of people who are consciously or unconsciously anxious about this possibility. It would be devestating. Another suspicion, of course, is that it was just my own static and anxiousness, but I've had years and years of self-exploration regarding these types of experiences, so I was recognizing this as something far more than just my concerns. But I'm not above it having just been my over-active imagination.

So the reason I'm writing about this again is because yet another assassination plan was unraveled in the past day or so. This one was pretty elaborately-planned and is closer to what I had sensed was in the works, but... I'm reporting in that I'm pretty sure this is STILL not what I had sensed.

I'm beginning to wonder if the "static" was less about conscious or unconscious anxiety and more about the fact that there is an electrical storm of tiny, idiotic, puffed up plans coming in from all over the country, churning up from small groups and tiny minds everywhere. I am beginning to see this option as being pretty fair to consider.

I'm also wondering if these busts will lull American public into a false sense of trust in the forces that will make sure this doesn't happen... I don't know. But I'm still uneasy.

I haven't had any experiences again like I did in that week before the DNC. No static. No swarms of disembodied presences... I'm back to the normal, random sightings, nothing unusual (for me).

I just thought I'd chime in about this recent bust. From what I understand, there isn't even any evidence to support the boasts of these goons. Just a lot of talk...

That's another issue I wonder about: as much as I despise these people with violent plans and hateful talk, are we now imprisoning people based only on speech? This could be a big problem for our future, if that's the case.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

VLOG: 102308

Sharing my menagerie of the day, and talking about how LuLu got steamed, the upcoming YouTube Gathering at Bryant Park (details below), and asking you about your feelings about the saturation of the Social Network/Presence wave...

CocteauBoy VLOG: 102308 from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.


Saturday, October 25, 2008
2:00 - Bryant Park. On 6th Ave. (Ave. of the Americas) between 40th and 42nd St)

7:00 - Blaggards Restaurant and Pub. 8 W. 38th St. (between 5th & 6th Ave.)

Saturday, October 18, 2008

VLOG: 101808

I woke up to a wonderful morning and I wanted to share! I also wonder how you deal with doctors who treat you like shit.

NOTE: Sorry about the mic rattling. I had it sitting on my laptop and it picked up the vibes.

VLOG: 101808 from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

VLOG: 101508

I'm BAaaack! And Bigger Than EVER... (literally)

VLOG: 101508 from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Oprah Episode: My Response

Okay, I just finished watching the Oprah episode and I am embarrassed I even considered that she might actually try to make a difference and even more embarrassed that I encouraged people to watch it. The entire episode dismissed the concept of anti-slavery (veganism/vegetarianism) as some sort of personal, religious preference and not a no-brainer step in evolution and as a solution to the suffering of animals. Big DUH on that one, people. This must be what the abolitionists of the past must have felt like while watching morons discuss more efficient forms of enslaving Blacks. The solution is compassion and freedom. NOT a few more inches of chain or cage. Some bitch even went so far as to showcase how "humanely" she raises VEAL! And described it as doing so "the way mother nature intended." WHAT!!! These are monsters. Who in their right mind could possibly think that depriving a baby of nutrients, forcing them into anemic states to keep their muscles from forming, is some part of "mother nature's" intention!

People really suck sometimes. Really suck.

Oprah = FAIL!

Hang On To Your Hats

Let's not be too quick to assume our country, government, and our people are immune to the situation similar to that which erupted in Argentina. I mean, Bush has ordered an active unit of combat troops to be stationed inside the US to serve as an "'on call' federal response in times of emergency," specifically for use in case of "civil unrest" and for "crowd control."

This is a first in American history.

The unit chosen for this task is the Army's Third Infantry Division's First Brigade Combat Team which has spent thirty-five of the last sixty month in Iraq.

They're here now and training for "domestic operations."

Hang on to your hats...



Check your local listings for OPRAH and record it and/or watch it today, October 14th.

The reality of cruelty and suffering in farm animal production has finally made it to about as mainstream as it can get. It's going to be showcased on OPRAH. This means it will be white-washed, cleaned up, and easy to explore without having to face the horrors that help put those dead bodies on the table.

This OPRAH is in light of the current Proposition 2 in California up for debate and vote, which would stand to AT LEAST alleviate a great amount of suffering and create protections for these animals, along with increasing support for family farmers who have been affected by the powerful movement of Factory Farming.

Please set your Tivo's, DVR's, VCR's, or plop your booty down in front of Oprah tomorrow, Tuesday, October 14th (check your local listings). Though this is a vote that is up in California, it affects everything about us as a people. It's a first (very tiny, but important) step toward opening up to our humanity and compassion to other species, AS WELL as toward each other and the Earth. Can you imagine what kind of world we might live in if we cared enough about the quality of life for a Chicken or a Pig... it would be very hard not to care about each other or about others who are so different from what we find familiar.

Please... just tune in and see what you think and feel. I have no idea if she is going to derail the proposition, or push for it, but at least it's being discussed.


Below are some key facts of the proposition:

This November 4, Californians should vote YES! on Prop 2 – a modest measure that stops cruel and inhumane treatment of animals, ending the practice of cramming farm animals into cages so small the animals can't even turn around, lie down or extend their limbs.

Voting YES! on Prop 2...

  • Prevents cruelty to animals.

    It's simply wrong to confine veal calves, breeding pigs, and egg-laying hens in tiny cages barely larger than their bodies. Calves are tethered by the neck and can barely move, pigs in severe confinement bite the metal bars of their crates, and hens get trapped and even impaled in their wire cages. We wouldn't force our pets to live in filthy, cramped cages for their whole lives, and we shouldn't force farm animals to endure such misery. All animals, including those raised for food, deserve humane treatment.

  • Improves our health and food safety.

    We all witnessed the cruel treatment of sick and crippled cows exposed by a Southern California slaughter plant investigation this year, prompting authorities to pull meat off school menus and initiate a nationwide recall. Factory farms put our health at risk—cramming tens of thousands of animals into tiny cages, fostering the spread of diseases that may affect people. YES! on Prop 2 is better for animals—and for us.

  • Supports family farmers.

    California family farmers support YES! on Prop 2 because they know that better farming practices enhance food quality and safety. Increasingly, they're supplying major retailers like Safeway and Burger King. Factory farms cut corners and drive family farmers out of business when they put profits ahead of animal welfare and our health.

  • Protects air and water and safeguards the environment.

    The American Public Health Association has called for a moratorium on new factory farms because of the devastating effects these operations can have on surrounding communities, spreading untreated waste on the ground and contaminating our waterways, lakes, groundwater, soil, and air. Prop 2 helps stop some of the worst abuses and protects our precious natural resources. That's why California Clean Water Action and Sierra Club-California support YES! on Prop 2.

  • Is a reasonable and common-sense reform.

    Prop 2 provides ample time—until 2015—for factory farms using these severe confinement methods to shift to more humane practices. Arizona, Colorado, Florida, and Oregon have passed similar laws. The Humane Society of the United States, the ASPCA, hundreds of California veterinarians, including the California Veterinary Medical Association; California family farmers; the Center for Food Safety, the Consumer Federation of America, the Center for Science in the Public Interest, the United Farm Workers, and the Cesar Chavez Foundation; Republican and Democratic elected officials; California religious leaders; and many others.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

We Have To Start Thinking

I really feel uncomfortable to feel it necessary to promote this, but unless there is evidence against the claims and information shared in these interviews and movies, we really need to wake up, be prepared, and brace ourselves for a huge revolution that seems to be more and more inevitable.

Take your time and really make a concerted effort to understand just what is being presented in these videos. It is terrifying and upsetting, but if we don't wake up, we are in big trouble. Burying our heads in the sand (or in our iPods and iPhones) will not make our lives better.

If you can counter the claims presented here, please do so. This is some tough stuff to contemplate. Take your time. But please... DO take the time.

25 minute interview with Naomi Wolf

the most important 2 hours you will have spent in your recent years

What to do?
We have to reach critical mass in our understanding and efforts together. Please. Please make the time to learn, to think, and to do. Our future, our humanity, and peace on earth are depending on us.


Tuesday, September 23, 2008

I'm Feeling LOW tonight

It's not what you think... heh heh...

I'm excited to be seeing LOW again tonight! There are several bands I see EVERY time they pass through NYC and this is one of them. LOW is a husband/wife team whose harmonies just send me... along with the dark, political, and deeply emotional, poetic and lyrical melodyscapes, this is one of my favorite bands.



BREAKER (live)

OVER THE OCEAN (classic!)

Sunday, September 21, 2008


Thanks to my wonderful pal, "Blainewad," we have a bit of footage from the concert last night:


Friday, September 19, 2008

I'm Seeing STARS

I am very excited to see STARS again tomorrow night... a precious, lyrical, happy-sad band who can capture the importance of the bittersweet and political.

Friday, August 29, 2008

I Am Voting Obama (and i'm not happy about it)

Well, the Obama speech is over and no assassination attempt, thank goodness. Yes, they did thwart a ring of bumbling fools who were planning an attempt, but I'm not sure if those were the people I dreamt about. I don't think so. I expect whomever I dreamt about is a lot more intelligent and organized than those meth fools. I'm still keeping my feelers out there... I don't think we are in the clear by any means.

I hate that I am posting that

The Obama acceptance of nomination (by acclamation) was historic. I am amazed and thrilled. But my heart's just not in it. I want so much to feel on board with this huge experience... but I can't. The significance of this historic event is drowned out by my distaste for all of the hype, the blind faith, the religiousness, the inane and cloying adulation... the reduction of politics down to an American Idol competition and the reduction of candidates down to the simple mindedness of a choice between the contrived "coolness" of owning a Mac or the manufactured utilitarian, "boring practicality" of owning a PC. This should be one of the most important, historic events of our lives, and it's become nothing but another wave of sheep flocking to what has been marketed as cooler and more popular. Watching the Tweets pour in during Obama's speech tonight made me cringe more than anything as everyone wrote of chills, tears, inspiration, and sexiness (yes, sexiness).

I just. Don't. Get it.

some of us are not so swayed by marketing tactics

Yes, we need to get the Republicans out of control over everything. Yes, they have made a mess of the world. Yes, they would continue to spiral us into a world most of us do not want to experience.

And THAT's why I will be voting for Obama. Not because Obama is a good candidate. If you were to change the color of his skin, he would be no different from any other religious, pandering politician we've ever had. He brings NOTHING new to the table, except skin color, which is, I admit, a hugely significant thing, but come on... he is not the rockstar messiah everyone is making him out to be.

Are you people for real?

Obama's position in politics right now is a result of many people suffering over many years to get to where we are today. HE did not have a thing to do with that! In fact, BUSH has done more to secure Obama's position than Obama, himself!

Oh, and it drives me batty that he is compared to Martin Luther King. WHAT? I'm not even going to go there. To compare the two is an insult to history and to intelligence.

I'm happy to see what he might have in store for us in the years ahead. Let's talk THEN about what he's done, but let's have some maturity here and not be slathering praise on someone who has done nothing but be a typical Democrat and happens to be (part) Black.

Because of Obama's slow slither from being a "Candidate of Change" into being just another candidate, especially with the Biden announcement, a lot of votes for the Democratic Party have been lost. There are a lot of legitimate arguments against voting for Obama, many with which I agree. I've always been on the fence over Obama, and with the Biden announcement, I was convinced he'd lost my vote. After hearing Obama's policies on Gay Marriage and his biblical stances to justify his patronizing homophobia, I was sickened that he is now our only option.

But he's not. So I decided to vote for the Green Party's Cynthia McKinney.

That lasted for a day.

Because, ultimately, it's not about getting into office our candidate of choice (UNFORTUNATELY), but about keeping another one out. If we don't vote for Obama, we lose a lot more than our sense of choice right now... we might literally lose our right to choose a lot of things if McCain gets into office.

See... if McCain wins, it's not just a President who will come into control, but his appointments into seats within the Supreme Court will outlast his office, and the control and impact from that is far greater than our having to grit our teeth and vote for Obama when we wish we didn't feel like we HAVE to. If McCain gets into office, I might never have a chance to vote for anyone beyond the two parties. If Obama gets in, we have a chance to extend our understanding beyond what we have been spoonfed.

are you people for real?

Some of the Obama worshippers are really hostile and angry (frighteningly so) about anyone who doesn't support him, but I think it's just that some people want to retain some semblance of thinking for themselves. We ALL do not WANT an iPhone or a Mac, no matter how cool tv has told us we will be. Or... even if we want one, we want to choose when we are ready, not just because you told us that we should. To express hostility, hatred, and even violence toward those who are anti-Obama, or even on the fence, defeats and contradicts the very reasons you claim to support Obama.

I feel nauseated that I have to vote for Obama. I feel like I am betraying every right I have as an individual to choose whom *I* think is the right person, right party. Politics have now become reduced to an American Idol showcase with a "rock star" finalist. The mentality behind the peer pressure has reduced politics to high school cliques and outcasts.

If you want more Democratic people to vote for Obama, then use educational tactics, conversation, exchange of ideals... but puffing yourself up by ridiculing, berating, hating, belittling, and rejecting those who are just not buying in to the hype is not going to help anybody or anything. In fact, YOU are doing far more to secure McCain's election than any Democratic anti-Obama could do, because you are nailing the nails into the coffin of choice. If you would just pose a fair argument, a legitimate consideration, then I'm sure we could get more people on board.

I have to admit: I don't like Obama. I think we are going to have ourselves a megalomaniac in the White House, even more self-righteous than W, and even more pandering and zealous than we can begin to imagine. We have not seen the extent to which a Christian zealot can make life hell for those who don't align with that belief. He's already flippantly doing it to the GLBT community, even as they worship the scraps of patronizing he tosses to us.

But even that's not why he almost lost my vote.

It's because of YOU: The hyper-sheep who say to vote for him "just because."
Because of YOU: the same people who stand in line for an iPhone.
Because of YOU: the same people who think that New York City is exactly how Sex and The City portrays it.
Because of YOU: the person whose news comes from MTV
Because of YOU: the bored White person with no sense of personal meaning who thinks he/she is being so heroic in your political correctness in voting for a Black person.
Because of YOU: the person who wants to impose his choice upon me through shaming me
Because of YOU: the privileged hipster who feigns political bent, but are only doing it because it's "in."

sad little sheep... for a PHONE?

For the same reason I stay away from the Mac cult, I wanted to stay away from the Obama cult, because I just don't want to look like you. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to seem as unthinking and as vulnerable to marketing hype as you do.

Obama is not the next messiah and most people who are turning against him are doing so because of the bullying, superficial marketing tactics, and the sheep-minded mentality that is following him.

None of this is enough to sway me toward losing everything to the Republicans, though, so don't worry. And if you relate to this post at all, I beg you to consider voting for Obama for the same reasons I am.


I'm voting Obama.

But I'm not happy about it.

Next election, we'll talk again.


I'm not talking about all of you who support Obama. Many of you are wonderful and appreciated and have made some moving points to me, which helped me to feel I am making the best decision I can make. I'm passing along your effects... and for you iPhone and Mac users, calm down. I'm sure you are not one of THOSE users, right?

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The World Will (maybe) Change in 5 Days

WARNING: psychic and metaphysical mumbo jumbo post, so if you already have a distaste for that sort of thing, I would stop reading here or you will just think I am more bonkers than you already think I am. Otherwise, enjoy!

I wasn't going to post anything about this, but then I came across this blog entry and now I'm really floating in a weird, ominous space about it. I don't know if you have to be a friend of that person to read the entry, but if you can't read it, it's basically a recount of a personal experience that ties directly into dreams and premonitions I have been having over the past month or so.


First, some background:

As you know, I am a channel and I have worked with "the dead" and psychic/intuitive phenemona for most of my life in some way. If you don't know my history, remind me to share it with you sometime. After I moved to New York City, I realized that I could not stay in the same kind of psychic mode that I had always allowed myself to have while growing up. For some reason, living among so many people made it very difficult to function on that level. I was exposed to so much "psychic junk" or "mud" that it would literally weigh me down by the end of the day. Gummy, grey and pink stickiness stretched from person to person and it became very difficult to discern the living from the dead among the crowds of people. And then, of course, I started dating and I began to develop even more of a shyness about my work than I had growing up. So it became practical to begin shut that part of my psyche down. To understand what this was like for me, you would just kind of stare straight ahead in any room and focus on what you see in front of you, even though you KNOW there is more beyond your peripheral vision. The more focused you get, the blurrier the peripherals get, but at any point that you want to turn your attention (inwardly or outwardly) to another focus, you can easily do so. It's not like the rest of the room disappeared, but that you just stopped focusing on it. So... that's what I've done most of my life. I compartmentalized that skill of intuition and channeling to a very specific context and turned it off as best I could in my "normal" everyday life.

Last month I went home to Indiana after a visit to Chicago. It never dawned on me that my ability to ignore my psychic side of my brain was fairly dependent on the environment in which I existed. In New York City, if I am just going about my business, it really is hard to tell if I've seen a spirit or a physical person because people just become objects that you navigate. Sure, I sometimes do a double-take and then a cringing inner d'oh! when I see someone crouching in the corner in an ATM vestibule and I realize it's a wandering soul. Just like when you accidentally catch the eye of anyone you don't mean to engage, it becomes an awkward experience and I have to deal with it except with the dead that can sometimes last for days. It doesn't happen very often, thank goodness.

So while I was in Indiana where there is tons of space and fields and highways and corn, imagine my shock as I am speeding along on the back of a motorcycle and a person steps out from the cornfield ahead. My initial reaction was to prepare for a smile and a nod as I zoomed past, but then he "shimmered" (I really don't know how exactly to explain that) and I thought, "Shit! He's dead!" and sure enough his presence faded as we neared, but I knew he knew I had seen him. Luckily I was speeding on and didn't have a chance to get tangled up in that energy. Again, I don't know exactly how to explain that, but in my experience most spirits seem to root themselves within a very small geographic location and don't really go beyond that, which is why a house is "haunted," or certain parts of a large structure or piece of land. There is a reason they are still hanging around or echoing in space and time like that and it's usually associated with people and places from which energy is drawn for all kinds of reasons. However, I also know that if one notices that you can see them, they can willingly shift attention to entangle with you and you can't just shut a door to get away. You have to talk and see if you can help. And sometimes you can, and sometimes you can't. It might seem very anti-Hollywood that I don't make it a big purposeful endeavor to help all of these people/spirits, but you really can only do so much. Imagine living in New York City and feeling obligated to help every homeless, drug-addicted, broken person you came across. If you focus on who you can help, you can help a lot, but if you spread yourself out, you lose effectiveness and power to help at all. So, I help when I can, which is rarer than I would like it to be. Some people have a LOT to work through before leaving and I learned a long time ago that you can't "rescue" a person from himself, whether living or dead.

So after spending 10 days in all of this open space and not being able to ignore this part of my brain (or whatever it is), I came back to New York City with all of my senses on high. It felt good, actually. I forgot that I appreciated that part of me so much and left myself open. And then my apartment became crowded with spirits. Like a bug zapper in the dark, when the dead hear/see that someone from the other side (for lack of a better phrase) is available, they can flock to that sense of light. A lot of people think it's something cool (or crazy) to be able to see the dead, but it's just as rare for the dead to see the living, too. Apparently it takes two. A conduit is very important and I'm not really sure what that conduit is, but I've suspected it's an emotional energy, a perception that bypasses the biased intellectual filters to a form of resonance. But I digress.

At first this crowding was okay because I am fascinated by all of it and I thought I would judge it later, but see what came of it. As usual, my space (psychically and physically) just kind of acted as a spiritual lounge for people to catch their breath (figuratively), grieve, rest, and then move on. I don't know why it works like that, but it does. Maybe someday I will explore that further, now that I am learning to own that part of my life again, but I assume it has something to do with the validation and acceptance that physical life was "real," and that this after-death is just as real. Dying must be like waking up from a really deep dream and for some people that waking up takes a while, especially if they want to remember as much from that dream as possible. So most moved along, but some lingered and those that lingered have done so for a reason.

Which brings me to the present:

Apparently, something is stirring in the probabilities for our future on a pretty large scale and a few spirits are very concerned and trying to make a difference by doing all they can to share that insight with those of us who can pick it up, and any number of other ways I can't think of. In my case, it's been pretty direct information, even though I have done all I could to ignore it up until now.

There is a lot of static, sharp and crackling, in the energy/air and it keeps getting worse. I've had a very hard time working and focusing and part of it is because of that level of rising interference. It's like a cacophony of chatter that is anxious and almost desperate for communication. I've also had several dreams that had me waking up nearly paralyzed and breathing rapidly and heavily. All of them having to do with awful future scenarios and probabilities. I've ignored them, not spoken about them because, my god, what I am I supposed to do with it! I don't know how to make a difference. And no matter how valid or meaningful or tangible my experiences are with spirits and dreams and psychic phenomenon, I always question whether it's my imagination, my creativity, a malfunction in perception and interpretation... I don't know. But then I saw that blog entry and it really scared me, so I thought it should at least go on record, however embarrassing it is to share it, that we might be in for a big ride over the end of this year.

In my dreams, I have seen several different scenarios:

1. I saw Ohio and New York hit by attacks related somehow to Russia. Why Ohio and New York, I have no idea.
2. I saw glowing, burning highlights on a large calendar for the dates of August 25th through 28th.
3. I saw an assassination attempt on Obama's life.
4. I saw random, rampant explosions of riot and attacks on various levels of society that seemed to help bring it all to a halt as way to either make a point, or to completely overhaul the direction in which we are going and to shape it to a small groups' ideals.
5. I saw Bush declaring Martial Law and extending his office beyond his terms.
6. I saw an eventual assassination attempt on Bush's life.

I'm known for having apocalyptic dreams, so it's not surprising to me that I kind of brushed these aside, but now I feel it's important to document them, especially since I realized that the Denver Democratic convention is August 25th through the 28th. That already freaked me out, but then I read that blog entry and even if it's a bogus entry, I was shaken by it's parallel to my private experience.

There are SO MANY reasons I can come up with to help me dismiss all of this. It's not a new concept that Bush might extend his office and it's not an unusual concern about Obama's life considering the potential for our having our first (half-)Black President and our having such an undercurrent of ignorance and racism among middle-americans. I always have epic dreams. It could be a coincidence that I dreamt those dates and that the Denver convention is on those days. It could be that my imagination has gone into overdrive and that there is something completely different happening with my abilities and those have just triggered deep fears and concerns.

Now, the spirits hanging around, I have no problem accepting and claiming as "real" in my experience because that's just been a part of my life for a long time and I've had my proof (like looking up the bio's or obituaries of those who told me their stories). But the predictive, doomsday element is not familiar to me at all. I find predictions to be pretty useless and especially when they have a doomsday bent, but I've also never had this happen to me so strongly, so...

I'm just going on record. Owning it. And MAYBE others have had similar senses, experiences, or even just fears... maybe just bringing the fears to the surface can save our future. Rather than fester into a serious issue among all of our psyches, maybe all we need to do is candidly bring it to the surface for air and let it go?

Maybe that's all it is.

If not, then make sure you have bottled water, canned goods, and flashlights stocked in your homes... yeesh!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The Great Dating Expedition Begins

There are a lot of people waiting for my blog post about my 20+ year family reunion that took place in Peru, Indiana a couple of weeks ago, but I have video footage that is downright unbelievable and more perfect than any words can be, so I have to make time to edit and upload that... but until then, you get this entry.


It's been just a year now since Jip and I broke up after our amazing summer of Love and Hell in Amsterdam. That was pretty tough stuff. Following your heart across the globe only to find a hospital bed that might be your last stop in life is a pretty harrowing and life-changing experience. If you are not up-to-date about that adventure, start here and work your way forward in time. Being the one who almost died, left with a deadly (though scientifically-unsound) diagnosis, a life empty of all possessions, dumped over Skype, and having to learn how to breathe and walk again, I have taken my time getting back into the dating scene. Of course, my wonderful Jip has not only moved on, but had a new, publicly-proclaimed boyfriend within a few short weeks and has now traveled to globe to be with him.

Believe it, or not, I am really happy for him. That boy deserves the world. Especially after all that we went through, but not because of what we went through. He would deserve that love on his own.

It is a bittersweet pleasure to know that he has gone on to find the potential bliss that we thought we might have had, but we transcended our time, space, and pain to make a halfway decent friendship and there's something panoramic... epic, about surviving that kind of thing together.

And, oh, it was NOT an easy transition, so don't get me wrong. I had my tantrums; he had his defenses; we had our tears and our hopes and our despair... and all of that was mixed into our love to set for a while. I still don't think we really know exactly what to do with each other, but we've made the room for what might grow over time, and that is the part that most people leave out when transforming a loving relationship.

It's easy to focus on love when you know what you want from someone because you then do all you can to get it from him or her. But what if you just know you love each other and you are left only to receive what the other person has to give?

That's scary. And most people turn their backs to begin the search for the next prey that might hold the nourishment needed for the heart.

Which brings me to my report about my first steps back into the world of dating and THAT big adventure!


Let me first clarify that I do not "date." This has been mentioned in other entries where I describe "how to be my boyfriend." I don't know how to date. Sure, I can meet you and we can have drinks and get to know each other, but I can't make a "date" date until AFTER that. I like the first Not-Date Date to be just about hanging out and being real. When people feel they are on a Date-Date then the emphasis on sizing each other up as mates is too pronounced; too spotlighted. I don't want to interview you and I sure as hell do not want to be interviewed. Let's just hang out and play and share and if the flirt buttons start to get pushed, then let's talk about a date, but if the energy is flat in the area of romance, then it's a beautiful possibility that we now, each, have a new friend.

And if you are one of those people who think you "don't need another friend," then that eliminates you from my spectrum of potential boyfriends right there. So no worries. You go date and I'll go Not-Date and that's that.

After all that I had been through last year, I was not enthused about being with ANYONE. It wasn't a sorrowful feeling, but a feeling of really needing to take care of myself and be close to my tightest, most-inner circle of friends. I needed that.

But over time, I began to open back up to the world again. I never really shut myself off from the world on any superficial or social level, but on a deeper, psycho-spiritual level I had curled up and held myself as close to me as possible until I felt safe again. It took me a while to feel safe in the world again. The truth is, I'm not quite there, yet, but so much more so than I was even 6 months ago. I'm in no rush. You can't rush something like that.

I've been asked out, flirted with, and had many a sweet and kind message sent to me over the past year trying to persuade me to be available for coffee, for a drink... for a kiss, but I was just not ready.

So imagine my thrill when I was contacted through Facebook by someone who struck my fancy.


An adorable, self-proclaimed geek who found me through a random click to find others who shared an interest in Battlestar Galactica, of all things. The timing was right... and I tweeted that I was going out on my first date (not-date) in a year! Being the playful geek that this guy was, he even joined Twitter and was able to tweet along with me throughout the date what a good time we were having. Yes, that's retarded and really REALLY corny, but THAT is the kind of guy it takes to go out with me. Someone who embraces technology and social networks for the warmth that they CAN be. I don't care what anyone thinks, it was fun bringing my Twitter friends with me on the date-not-date and keeping them in the loop! (Stop rolling your eyes, you.) Besides, it was nice to have that sense of support.

So... we hit it off.

Not surprising, considering my modus operandi. I tend to put off dating, put it off, put it off, and then suddenly I "KNOW" and that's the one... not THE one, but one that has high potential for mutual empathy and friendship and love. (I've never subscribed to the idea of THE one... maybe the ONES.)

All of this happened just a few short days before my leaving for Chicago and Indiana for my work and for my family reunion, so I had a lot to deal with already, but now, I had met this guy (for the sake of privacy, I will refer to him as "my geek"). Regardless of our only having just met, it was a very nice idea to do all I could to make sure my trip was not something that would eclipse our possibilities after my return, so I did all I could to keep in touch over that time. We hung out a couple more times before I left, he met my friends, they loved him, and it all seemed healthy and good. We had our talks about my recent year and my tentative steps back into dating and that was all out and on the table and not an issue.

It was really nice to feel that potential for love and intimacy again, I have to say, but I was not unaware of the need for my continued return to a sense of safety in myself and my life, and I was not about to use someone to regain that sense. If I were to date this guy, I wanted it to be real; not a sanctuary or salve. Knowing my position, he was touched and awed by my intentions.

Over the time I was away, we kept in touch every day and he hung out with my friends over those two weekends and even met Nick for lunch on more than a couple of occasions. I loved this. I love when people like people and I loved that my friends were so inclusive and that my geek was taking such initiative.

When I returned from my trip, who was there to greet me at the airport? My geek! Not only did he show up to escort me safely back home, but he came bearing gifts. Wonderful! He is more than thrilled to see me.

Over this short period time, in fact from the moment he saw me, he had concluded that we were pretty much boyfriends. The me from the past would have easily have done the same, because when you know... you know. And I knew. But I was not ready. Not yet. I needed a little bit of time to continue getting my footing in my life, my work, and also because I just don't feel like diving blindly into ANYTHING right now. This was fine with my geek... at first.

And then the cracks started showing.

or just


On a few occasions, my geek had mentioned that my "taking it slow" was causing him some anxiety and panic. I reminded him that my taking it slow (which was NOT slow in reality) was because it was a form of honesty, which was very important to both of us. I didn't want either of us falling in love with an IDEA of the other, but with each other. I wanted us to get to know each other. By the time of the first crack in my geek, we had only spent three times together. That didn't cause me any sense of alarm because I empathized. I know what it's like to feel insecure and panicked and I wasn't going to make him feel bad for that.

Over the time while I was gone, he made plans for me to meet his friends. Another scoreboard-full of points! I love it when someone I'm dating invites me into his circle and shares me with those who are important to him. I was thrilled.

Small cracks were showing here and there, but nothing of any concern.

I went with him to the cookout hosted by his friends and found it to be a sheer delight. They had gone out of their way to make vegan food, the bouncing conversation and laughs were really comforting, and they said some really nice things to me about their sense of me. I was smitten.

Another friend of my geek had brought his freshly-found date, as well, which I had only known a tiny bit about before the cookout, but knew that it had happened fast and furious over the course of a week or two, already proclaiming each other as boyfriends on Facebook. But "what burns bright, burns fast," and the evening took a short dive into the drama that was apparently brewing between those two and never really recovered. It's always awkward when a couple "fights" in the middle of a group, however discreetly, because everyone can feel it.

My geek and I left the cookout in a long walk home, arm in arm, talking about how it was so nice that we were "going slow," because the sincerity, foundation, and patience were far more preferable to the frenzied, self-indulgent, self-delusional passions that can leave each other (and others) burned out in the end.

One of my geeks concerns came from our not having had sex and from my not having let him stay the night. Not counting the time I was away on my trip, we had really only been dating 3 weeks, so I didn't think this was that big of a deal, and he agreed. I assured him that it had nothing to do with anything other than the fact that we were just getting to know each other. When I really like someone, I don't WANT to go to bed with him right away. I can do that with anyone! Sex is EASY to get. You can do it alone, if you have to, but you can't always find someone who really cares about you, or can hold a conversation about passionate interests, or sit with you silently as you do menial tasks. Foreplay to a really nice relationship starts above the neck for me. It was explained to me by my geek that this was refreshing and exactly why he was attracted to me.

It was going into our 4th week and I was feeling pretty good about taking a deeper dive into the relationship. I was working out my schedule and my sense of space (internally and externally) to make room for the greater possibilities of this relationship. I was smiling in my mind, knowing how happy he'd be that I was going to ask him to stay the night in the coming weekend. He and all of his friends and I were in the middle of many email exchanges planning a Friday playday out at Coney Island and I was going to ask him if he wanted to just stay that Friday night. All was good...

And the he snapped.

Out of nowhere, he sprung upon me a conversation (over the phone) that was inspired by his friend with the drama a the cookout. Apparently, something snapped in my geek that revealed that he was not only unhappy with the "slowness" of our relationship, but that he was REALLY unhappy. He said that he had broken down, crying, sobbing. He then began to spout in lecture-form how he really just didn't think he could do it, hang in there with me, be patient and that he felt that all of his needs were just not being met (in these 3 weeks). He explained that he had suddenly realized that he HAD fallen love, but with an IDEA of me, and not me. He felt that it was important to pull back and to not go forward with the relationship.

Now, considering how on-the-brink I was about taking that dive into the next level of intimacy, you would think this might be upsetting, but it wasn't. It was actually a huge relief! I was so happy for him that he had this realization. THAT was more important to me than our trying to take from each other something we might not be able to give. I told him that I totally understood and that it didn't change a thing for how much I care about him. Awkwardly, he thanked me for this support and expressed a lot of gratitude for my understanding. It was a shock and a surprise, and yes, it was really sad to think that the possibilities of intimacy as boyfriends were all gone now, but it just meant that new possibilities had just arisen and I was fine with that.

The night passed and into the next day... emails and texts were exchanged, lovingly, not only between he and I, but among he and my friends. Everyone was on board and being considerate and supportive of my geek's sudden twist.

And then he snapped... again.

The evening following the "breakup," we were in the middle of a conversation about how he still wanted me to go to Coney Island with he and his friends and that he was so touched by all of the kindness and understanding offered to him by me and my friends... and his pace of speech started to quicken... to get defensive... and he started saying some really odd things, such as "I can only apologize SO much, what else do you want from me!" and some other phrases that I can't remember right now, but they were completely non sequitur and inappropriate, considering no apologies were necessary and I was actually the one doing all I could for him, not asking for a thing in return or expressing any hard feelings! But the conversation stumbled along a bit awkwardly because of these interruptions from his thoughts and at some point we were just about to talk about his falling in love with the IDEA of me and not me (he had been in therapy all evening, so we were briefly going over what he had covered) and suddenly he shouted, "STOP BEING A VICTIM!" and hung up on me!

I thought his hanging up might have been a mistake, so I texted him jokingly about his saying that he could never hang up on me, which was just a silly part of some silly conversation over the weeks before. No response. I called him. No response. I emailed him. No response. A day passes. No response. Now I'm getting worried.

It would be okay if he were upset or angry or something, but I had no idea what had just happened! Now I began to worry for his safety, not really his physical safety, but his mental safety. The next day I write to his friends and say that I know it's a bit uncomfortable that I was writing to them and that I presume I was no longer invited to Coney Island, but could at least one of them write to me just to say that my geek was okay? No response.

Everything had gone dead from his end. Then I noticed he disappeared from Facebook, Twitter, etc. Now I was really worried for him. I wrote one more time to his friends and ask if someone would just let me know if he was okay... nothing more. Just a simple few words, "he's okay." Something.


And then one friend wrote to me. He was brief. My geek had suddenly "freaked out" and had told everyone to not be in contact with me anymore and that I had "really really hurt him."


Okay, so... Okay... umm...

1. I got dumped out of the blue and over the phone.
2. I got told that I was not what someone wanted and that I had just been used as a "prop in a fantasy ideal."
3. I was suddenly cut off with no explanation, no reason, no response.
4. I was the one offering kind, patient support.
5. I was making a fool out of myself to make sure he was okay.

And *I* hurt HIM?


Does. Not. Compute.

So here's what my genius has concluded, just in case you feel left with a mystery, yourself:

1. Considering the cracks that had begun to show in my geek before even a third date, he was still dealing with some serious self-esteem and needs issues that he really needs to figure out for himself and not use someone else to supply that for him.

2. Considering his feeling threatened by our "slow" pace, he felt it was a clever move to suddenly throw down an ultimatum in a tantrum so that I might react and jump to accommodate him.

3. This went terribly awry for him because I don't respond well to manipulation and I actually took him at his word that this was an important realization for him, offering him my support.

4. In the aftermath of his miscalculation, his anger builds uncontrollably to a point where he can't just admit or talk to me about his miscalculation, but collapses into his self-esteem and issues, blaming me for all of it.

5. To get from his friends what he had wanted from me, he has to tell a tale of rejection and pain that is clearly caused by me.

6. He can't reconcile the delusion he has to impose on his friends with the truth that keeping me around would reveal, so he not only cuts me off from his life, but demands that his friends no longer contact me, either.

7. He remains in that black hole of need, delusion, and self-pity and I'm no longer invited; his friends turn a blind eye to his real needs and just keep it simple by just giving to him what he demands of them.

Mystery solved!

And that's really a fair observation and conclusion and not a defensive one or a catty one. It really is just the only thing that makes sense. It might not be true, but since there is no one to give me the whole story, or the accurate details, then that's all I have is what I see.

And all I can say is, THAT was a close call.

After all of that happened, realizing how dishonest, delusional, needy, and manipulative this person was, I am truly grateful for those cracks and breakdowns to have come sooner rather than later. And I am really grateful to myself for having been honest and true to what I had to offer, what I was able to receive, and that I did not give in to the pressure. I can't imagine the mess I would have had in my life if I had taken on such a disaster ON TOP of my not being such a great catch, myself!

So... I remain single (and, ooohh laa laa, available).

The hardest thing about all of this that has haunted me for days is trying to make sense of it when no sense can really be made. It also haunts me that this person was in my home, in my friends' home, and that I had considered opening my life to him... and he was THAT close to snapping the whole time and I didn't pick up on that?? That bothers me a little.

But one thing that this experience has done for me is to make me realize that I am now really back to myself, enthusiastic, and alive and feeling solid and ready to date (not-date). I am happy with how I handled this and I feel good about having enough confidence and sustenance to care about both myself AND the other person without either losing out. I know my geek may have felt my pace was too slow, but I really don't consider it too slow that we hadn't slept together or stayed the night with each other within a 3 week span. I know it's a very fast-paced world in which we live, but I am NOT some kind of downloadable porn to gratify your needs, and I am NOT some kind of Oprah episode to immediately unkrinkle your bandaged wings.

I'm just me. And I have a lot to offer, even if you don't get it all in one bite.

But that's the nice thing about gifts. They are GIVEN.

You really shouldn't feel you have to take them from me.

So... call me. We'll go out sometime... I'm Datable, I swear!

Worst-case scenario is that you completely cut me off and I blog about how crazy you are. Deal?


Wednesday, July 09, 2008

The Music of Muse

This week was filled with strange dreams involving a couple of my muses in this life: Chris Garneau and Elizabeth Fraser. The truth about these muses is that I have no real idea about their personal lives, their personal integrity, their personal paths... but their art has changed my life. Or maybe I should say, it makes my life better than I imagine it would be without them. Along with several other artists in this life, they have become soundtracks to the inner space of me. And for some reason, I was visited with inspiration this week in the form of both Chris and Elizabeth.

My Chris Dream:

I dreamt I was attending some kind of ballet class for some reason and Chris happened to show up for that same class. I behaved as I would normally behave around someone who inspires me or toward whom I am in awe and I just did what I came to do, letting myself be thrilled, but not letting that spill over to invade Chris's space. But he kept coming up to me and laughing and touching me and engaging me and I felt tremendously at ease. We started acting silly and doing obnoxious dance poses... at one point, I remember his leaving the room and then suddenly spinning through the doorway, round and round and round until he was dizzy! We fell down together laughing, onto the floor against the wall. I realized I was leaning back onto him and that my hand was on his leg. I pulled my hand back and sat up quickly, but discreetly, continuing to laugh with him. Without any awkwardness, he reached for my hand, placed it back on his leg, and pulled me back into him, continuing to talk and laugh with me. It was extremely comforting. He whispered into my ear, "Don't forget. I know you."

My Elizabeth Dream:

I wish I could remember more of this because I NEVER dream of Elizabeth. What I remember is being shocked that she showed up somewhere where I was and that she was looking forward to meeting me! She showed up carrying packages and she was all frenetic and talkative and running around... I remember asking if she preferred to be called "Elizabeth" or "Liz," and she said, "anything, but Lizzy!" and I remember thinking that name had never even occurred to me. I don't remember much more than that, except that we were talking and talking and talking and it was hyper and excited. I do remember one phrase that stood out... she said, "we all end up singing our own lullabies."

So in honor of two of my muses visiting me in my dreams, I am putting together a MuxTape to share! Please take time to listen and enjoy. I've included some lyrics below to help you fall into this space within and maybe hear this music from between the worlds more intimately. So open the playlist into one page, and listen along with this page!


Playlist with Lyrics:

Cocteau Twins - MY TRUTH

You become powerful as you are accepting
You can work through the pain or enjoy more pleasure
Commit to the work of both
If you love all this energy, the chemistry

And you can work through the pain or enjoy more pleasure

and you can, you can work
through the pain
or enjoy more pleasure
and you can, you can work
through the pain
and come home to peace

It's frightening, exciting
Something shakes up our old understanding
The truth is more powerful
Are you fools, and confused to say
that I'm not angry

and you can, you can work
through the pain
or enjoy more pleasure
and you can, you can work
through the pain
and come home to peace

I'll remember my secret
I'll write it down and never tell it
It's not more fear outside of myself
that can save me

And you can work through the pain or enjoy more pleasure

Chris Garneau - TRY ME

Go ahead and try things on me
Maybe it'll bring you things you've never seen
It's a try, guaranteed
You can take whatever you need
Only skin remains
The winds blow it away
the guts and my brains
I'm as lonely as a stone
The one left behind
Never picked up and thrown

No more tired, you
I'm sure you love me, you do
You can touch me, still
Try me, then leave me
The way that you will
I can't wait
I can't wait

Just wanna see a beautiful face
One that won't last
But one I can't erase
Like that moon or lunar ambush
Comes in so soon
Turns my dreams to mush

No more tired, you
I'm sure you love me, you do
You can touch me, still
Try me, then leave me
The way that you will
I can't wait
I can't wait

I save everything like files
Your smile
My wounds
Your Dark
And your Light
Your joke
Your smoke
Your lovely
So when do you think we could love?

Told you it's a try, guarantee
I said you can take whatever you need
Come on
Come on
Come on

No more tired, you
I'm sure you love me, you do
You can touch me, still
Try me, then leave me
The way that you will
I can't wait
I can't wait

Cocteau Twins - ROUND

I, I will stay focused
When the thoughts do land
It's positive reinforcement
This sense of movement

This space, enjoy it

It gives me a new sense of progress
To this new life, a capacity to improve
Yes, I will, I will stay focused
When the thoughts do land

This space, enjoy it

This space, enjoy it
because because because...
the wheel turns

This space, enjoy it
because because because...
the wheel turns

Chris Garneau - SO FAR

Like the touch of my mother's hand on my head
I'll miss you, too, when I go to bed
We've ruined all the new pots
And the metal in the egg crate cots
But we haven't missed a good day of television, yet, so far
No we haven't missed a good day of television, yet, so far

The dishwasher's on now, cleaning, somehow
The baby bits of hamburger helper that dried too soon
We leave out the milk and it rots
and the mayonnaise that we got from Top's
But we haven't missed a good day of eating good food, yet, so far
But we haven't missed a good day of eating good food, yet, so far

You love good
but I think you should
go home, honey
cuz we haven't got any money

You love good
but I think you should
go home, honey
cuz we haven't got any money

Like the touch of my mother's hand on my head
I'll miss you, too, when I go to bed
We've ruined all the new pots
And the metal in the egg crate cots
we haven't missed a good day of television, yet, so far
No we haven't missed a good day of television, yet, so far
we haven't missed a good day of television, yet, so far


My eyes have baptismal views
I'm singing into my fires for a hand, I'm lost

All flowers in time bend toward the sun
I know you say that there's no one for you
but here is one
All flowers in time bend toward the sun
I know you say that there is no one for you
But here is one
Here is one
Here is one

All flowers in time bend toward the sun
I know you say that there's no one for you
but here is one
All flowers in time bend toward the sun
I know you say that there's no one for you
but here is one
but here is one

Keep it growing in me
Wicked traveler
Say it ain't farther from me
with your face in my window glow
oh where will you wait for me, sweet willow

It's okay to be angry
but not to hurt me
oh darling...

All flowers in time bend toward the sun
I know you say that there's no one for you
but here is one

Chris Garneau - RELIEF

I saw the sea come in
I saw your good old friend
He walked right past
I'll never ask
I'll never ask again

I saw the sea come in
I saw your good old friend
He walked right past
I'll never ask
I'll never ask again

I love the way you dance
Oh we can work it all out
Don't you miss your chance
The pain, it will all grow out

I heard your good ole word
I heard the things you said
They all shuffled in
As medicine, as medicine in red

I heard your good ole word
I heard the things you said
They all shuffled in
As medicine, as medicine in red

I love the way you dance
Oh we can work it all out
Don't you miss your chance
The pain will all grow out

I didn't go to see the city
I went to see it around you
Oh we can laugh in hell together
The devil will find you, too

Nose to nose
and eyes all closed
This is what I said
would never ever end

Nose to nose
and eyes all closed
This is what I said
would never ever end

I saw the sea come in
I saw your good old friend
He walked right past
I'll never ask
I'll never ask again

Chris Garneau - BETWEEN THE BARS

drink up baby
stay up all night
the things you could do
you won't but you might
the potential you'll be
that you'll never see
the promises you'll only make

drink up with me now
and forget all about
the pressure of days
and do what i say
and i'll make you okay
and drive them away
the images stuck in your head

the people you've been before
that you don't want 'round anymore
or that push and shove
and won't bend to your will
i'll keep them still

drink up baby
look at the stars
i'll kiss you again
between the bars
where i'm seeing you there
with your hands in the air
you're waiting to finally be caught

drink up one more time
and i'll make you mine
i'll keep you apart
deep in my heart
separate than the rest
where i like you the best
and keep the things you forgot

the people you've been before
that you don't want around anymore
or that push and shove
and won't bend to your will
i'll keep them still

the people you've been before
that you don't want 'round anymore
or that push and shove
and won't bend to your will
i'll keep them still

Cocteau Twins - SEA, SWALLOW ME
no lyrics

Chris Garneau - BLACKOUT

I, I was kidding about the mean things
While we were sleeping
Heat rushed in, Heat rushed
The fan stopped, the fan stopped
Oh, oh, oh, oh

Flashlights in delis
Drinking on the street
All the lights are out in New York City

And it never ever will be
Too damned late
To run inside the market place

I, I'll be quiet then
in middle of you talking
when we're walking
thoughts rush in
those thoughts rush in
the heart stops, the heart stops
oh, oh, oh, oh

Flashlights in delis
Drinking on the street
All the lights are out in New York City

And it never ever will be
Too damned late
To run inside the market place

I sit by the window
and I watch all of the little
raindrops, raindrops
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...

Dif Juz (featuring Elizabeth) - LOVE INSANE
no lyrics

Chris Garneau - LOVE ZOMBIE

eat and sleep and shun
your mother she's the one
who gets all your goats
and herds them up two hills
with rotten oats

apple orchard goat
the place you loved the most
your holy frightened ghost

your heart
they liked the meat
it was too tough to eat
to chew and grind with teeth
to chew and grind with teeth
your love zombies

and all those men!
you beast!
you beast!
you beast!
you beast!


Craig Armstrong (featuring Elizabeth) - THIS LOVE

This Love
This Love is a strange love
I'm afraid it can remain love
This Love

This Love
I'm think I'm gonna fall again
And even when you held my hand
It didn't mean a thing
This Love

This Love
Never has to stay Love
Doesn't know it is Love
This Love

This Love
It doesn't have to feel Love
Doesn't need to be Love
It doesn't have to mean a thing
This Love

This Love
This Love
has a strange Love, strange Love

This Love
This Love
has a strange Love, a strange Love
(doesn't have to mean a thing/think I'm gonna fall again)

This Love....