Monday, October 31, 2005


Just me, in the mornin'!

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Reach Out For The Hand

It never fails... I watch this and my skin and spirit soar. What I wouldn't have done to have had her sing me to sleep when I was a kid. What I wouldn't do to have her do it even now.

Especially now.

(it will still be a stream, though, when launched)

Pay close attention to her otherworldly means of bringing sound into our world.

"Reach out for the hand" - Cocteau Twins - Carolyn's Fingers

Breathing Trouble

Sometimes it gets really heavy in here... in my heart; and I can't breathe; like tonight.

It's weird how one day everything seems so alive and so new and then some days seem so consumed by time, loss, resentment, anger, sadness,...

Sometimes I look at POST SECRET (which one should never do when feeling bruised) and think I might send in my very own secrets...

...but I find that others have already sent them in for me.

*(images courtesy of POST SECRET)*

Everyone is Famous


Sometimes I am so fascinated by and even impressed by the graffiti of New Yorkers. Wander into any public bathroom across the rest of the United States and you will see the invariable puns, raunchy jokes, hate words, or sex ads, and you can find those in New York, too, but more often than not, you will find political expressions, poetry, poignant commentary, and empowering or thought-provoking quotes. Just stop into any Starbuck's bathroom (some of the most disgusting bathrooms on the planet). It's really surreal and sometimes I wish I had my camera with me! Lately, I have remembered to bring my camera and captured these!

"How does it feel to never see him again?"

The graffiti above made my heart sink, but I am not in the mood to go into that right now. I just thought when I read it, "wow..."

So my Halloween Weekend was launched by going to PYRAMID CLUB for 1984, this time featuring MADONNA all night long. I was only interested in going because I love my pals, but I had NO IDEA I would end up having such a great time! The entire idea was John's, so I want to give him credit here. I love that guy so much. I don't see him enough.

(he is so going to kill me for posting this)

Before I met up with the entirety of the gang, I met up with my homey, Soce, so we could spend some quality time together.


While I had waited for Soce to arrive, I had kept my personal space pretty clear of the advances of some of the fellas, even though they were all perfectly nice guys. I just wanted to be alone, though, and think, feel, ponder... but eventually I was struck by the immediate warmth, kindness, and vibe of one particular guy who approached me a couple of times. Nothing sexual or creepy or invasive, just totally friendly conversation. So we were chattin' it up and he finally reveals to me that he is BARRY Z of the famous BARRY Z SHOW that is a New York City cornerstone of Public Access TV here! I mean, Barry has interviewed everybody and anybody who has ever passed through the entertainment industry of New York City within the past 13 years or so, especially in the Broadway, Off-Broadway world! So fascinating!

Public Access Television is one of the coolest things EVER in NYC, even though it's popularity and cool population have moved on to more digital, online mediums in more recent years. Still, it's place in art and entertainment and porn culture for the New Yorker is permanent, and Barry Z is an icon. It was truly wonderful to spend time with him and hear his stories and see his genuine excitement to hear about the work I do, and even more exciting for him was to find out he could meet the hot SOCE! He's been trying to score an interview with Soce for a long time, apparently! Anyway, I was really honored to have met him and have plans to hang out again! WOO HOO!
CocteauBoy n Soce n Barry Z


New York Premier Entertainment TV
News Magazine show focusing on celebrity interviews, broadway, off- broadway, film and and music.

CocteauBoy n Soce n Christian

Johnny finally met up with Soce and me, before heading over to Pyramid Club for our night of dancing and lovin'. Christian finally met up with me, too! We've been in contact for more than a year ONLINE, but finally met last night! YAY! My gosh, he is so cute and nice and we had a really good time! We definitely bonded.

I always wait way too long to meet people from online. I get all weird and evasive, but I have a new resolve this year. I'm inviting them all out to meet me and I can't wait! I don't meet these guys without a LOT of interaction online first, AND I never meet someone just on a whim. Something has to strike me about that person. Interestingly, I met Soce through Friendster about a year ago, too! I will forever by grateful for that choice. He's a seriously inspiring, sweet, powerful and smart guy. I love him so much!

I sometimes forget how many amazing people I know because of the wonders of the pixel and light of cyberspace.

So the night was SO fun and I danced and laughed and hugged and smooched and loved and gyrated and boogied and everyone was so happy. And... one of my favorite parts of the night? SEEING MY SWEETHEART, DEANDRA!! YAY!!!
CocteauBoy n Deandra

I almost didn't go, but I am so glad I did!

Most surprising part of the night? Having some gorgeous girl tap me on the head and ask me if my hat stood for ANIMAL RIGHTS (it reads A/R with "animal rights" in smaller print, so she couldn't read it). I said, why yes! And she hugged and raved that she was so happy to see someone standing for the animals, even in the midst of fun and dancing. It really makes me happy to know others care.

Who knows what the rest of the holiday weekend will bring.

Friday, October 28, 2005


ANNE, CocteauBoy, n SYDNEY
My goodness the lovely ladies were out last light! YOWZA!! Hee hee, this is Anne and Sydney of THE HAZZARDS, a local New York City two-girl-ukelele-band-formerly-known-as-The-Ukes-of-Hazzard become-full-band-now-called-The-Hazzards! They were SO FUN!!! I love seeing them perform because they make me so happy. I give a lot of support and love to anyone or anything that makes me laugh and happy. I finally got over to Galapagos Art Space for their "Make Out Party" dragging with me Aileen and Johnny and we had a blast! I had asked THE HAZZARDS to make sure they brought some lovely goods for me to buy the next time they performed, because I never seem to get a damn kick-ass T-shirt of theirs and I wanna wear it proudly! So it happens, they got my message and DID bring some! YAY!!

Except... the style I wanted was only in a SMALL. Sydney insisted it would fit my oh-so-svelt body, but I begged to differ, so she gave me a SECOND Tee shirt just to shut me up, and it was the famous "Shut Up and Make Out" Tee Shirt!!! Woo Hoo! So this morning I decided to try on the supposedly mis-sized first t-shirt, since Sydney had sworn that it would truly fit those of the "husky" pursuasion.

Turns out, I was right.

Oh, how right I was.

Slipping myself into the sexy, yellow THE HAZZARDS t-shirt was like squeezing toothpaste back into a tube. I walked up to my big mirror and I stared in horror at what looked to be a walrus trapped in a yellow rubber band. Needless to say, I will have to stalk the gals for a LARGER t-shirt of that color and style at future show.

Thanks, gals!!

Check them out so that your day can be as bright as mine! YAY!

VIDEO ONE: Gay Boyfriend
VIDEO TWO: Shut Up and Make Out

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

City Harvest: where good intentions turn just ugly

Cyprus, Nick, Johnny, and I went to the prestigious CITY HARVEST Benefit last night here in NYC in Chelsea. I love the feeling of being of service and help to so many who suffer, but this benefit was entirely out of our league, of course. Just to GET IN cost $200 per person (minimum) with the point of the benefit to be the various auctions that would go on throughout the night. Each auction would bring in a huge amount of money for City Harvest, who could then use those funds to help gather and distribute the city's surplus of food to the homeless and hungry. Because Cyprus's printing company does the printing for all of City Harvest's events, we had comped tickets, or you wouldn't have been able to see our asses there.

Now, one would think that a sense of compassion would exponentially expand throughout a person, organization, or culture just by the sheer power of awareness that is required by compassion, and that IS true, but not when that person, organization, or culture is completely REMOVED from the very thing in which they claim to have compassion. I am sure the HEART of City Harvest is still intact, but it's an ugly thing to see what has to be accommodated for the rich to give even a little bit.

First, for this event to even be of interest to this crowd, the ambience had to be as removed from its cause AS POSSIBLE. The ballroom was filled with the artful foods of top chefs from around NYC:

We took photos of these two chefs because they were the cutest, most famous, and Tyler had prepared a vegetarian dish. Thank you, Tyler, or we would have joined the starving masses for which this organization was created!

The other things that pissed me off about this function were that people were wandering around in FURS and mindlesly devouring all kinds of animal body parts. It just saddens and angers me sometimes just how ignorant and mindless people can be, touting compassion and kindness, but only exclusively, selectively, and above all else CONVENIENTLY. If it's inconvenient, FUCK THAT SHIT! I'm really starting to return to a more sickened and repulsed state of heart and mind toward the hypocritical and self-delusional. It reminded me of the ASPCA's fund-raisers where VEAL was chosen as a feature for the dinners and Fur-wearing bitches would prance around acting like they CARED about animals. BULLSHIT, BITCH! The benefit/fundraiser is just a delusional ploy to make you feel like you have a heart, but you don't; you just have a WALLET and seek the prestigiousness of trendy kindness.

Most horrific was the fact that 3 chefs offered FOIE GRAS! Any kind of harm to an animal for our convenience is just unacceptable, but there are some practices that are beyond comprehensible. What is Foie Gras, you ask? Well, let me show you:

STEP ONE: imprison birds (ducks or geese) with little or no room to move, force to live in own feces and urine, while battling open sores, horror, and pain.STEP TWO: force-feed the bird 3 times a day through a long, metal tube so that the animal's liver swells to 12 times its normal size, its throat is scraped, peeled, and torn internally by the metal pipe. STEP THREE: Do this for an entire month, and hope that this is accomplished before the animal actually bursts from over-feeding.

HOW THE FUCK COULD ANYONE THINK THIS IS OKAY??? It fucking breaks MY HEART to know this goes on, out of sight, out of mind, and people heartlessly, mindlessly, BUY THIS SHIT! And the cycle of cruelty and indifference continues, extending into our friendships, society, culture, and world and showing up as starvation, war, racism, sexism, and ultimately, SPECIESISM.

STEPS FOUR & FIVE: (what we can do)

DON'T BUY OR EAT THE CRAP! It has become banned in California, and every person and state should follow in that consciousness. The only other foie gras farm in the United States is located in New York, and legislation is pending to ban the practice. Several other countries, including Israel, Germany, the United Kingdom, Switzerland and the majority of provinces in Austria, have already banned force feeding to produce foie gras.

LET ANIMALS LIVE AND ENJOY THEIR LIVES IN THE SAME WAY YOU WISH TO DO SO! Animals are amazing, sensitive, beautiful, funny, and playful, innocent creatures who enjoy social structures, family bonds, sunshine, grass, wind, and pleasure. Why anyone could ever think it our right to remove that option from another living being is beyond me.

FAUX GRAS recipe (if ya really want the flavor, but not the cruelty)


And don't EVEN get me started on the inhumane and thoughtless practices behind THANKSGIVING! That's inevitable, though... entry coming soon.

So back the CITY HARVEST shindig: I just find it repulsive to see people acting like they really care about something when they would never get their hands dirty with the care, thought, and consciousness that is really required.

BUT, free Ketel One drinks, so I got into it as best I could, LOL!

NO, I am NOT drunk, my CAMERA is!
(I don't know WHY I can't get that damn thing to take better pictures, but that's blurry me, toasting hypocrisy!)




Well, I must say, this month is WAY too busy. I am all over the place and going nowhere! I have to write three entries to cover some of the more recent stuff, and that's not even going to cover a fraction. Living in New York is like having saucer-eyes in front of a buffet of experiences. It's just difficult sometimes to take it all in, let alone dish it back out into my blog, but I'm trying... I'm TRYYYinnnnn'!

So, first off, I gotta give props to my homey,

Thass right... I'm usin' da "Language of YO" (as I call it). Yo.

Anyway, he's my Jewish, Gay, White Boy, YALE-grad, Wall Street, New Hampshire-raised RAPPER pal! It will never matter if he becomes mainstream with his work because he is truly an historic event, a legend, in and of himself. I went to see him perform among many other Hip-Hop artists the other night at Soce's CD Release party. It was SO FUN!!!!

One thing I learned that night beyond a shadow of a doubt is how much I truly cannot stand HIP HOP. Yeah, I said it. Yo, what up wit DAT!?? you say? Well, it stands about as equally creative a musical genre as Hair Metal and Reggae. After one or two songs, you feel like you are hearing THE SAME SHIT OVER AND OVER AGAIN! My god, it just would not end! Now, Reggae is, at least, very pleasant and warm to the listener, even if redundantly repetitive beyond belief. Hip Hop, you don't get no warmth. All you get in hip hop is a lot of angry grunting and spitting, mostly as a self-celebration of how much money, sex, or pride the rapper has.

HOWEVER, I discovered at Soce's party just how much I DO like hip hop, when it's done more as an art, instead of as a commercial formula. Most of the performers I will never listen to again, but a couple of them were truly smart and smooth and meaningful and original! All of them were cute, however... damn hottie thugs!

So here is Soce, standing among some of the toughest, hetero rappers in the area, celebrating his cd release, with every one of them cheering him on and hailing him, and he bursts forth with his own performance. Bridging the gap between bitch-slappin' rappers and angry political rappers, Soce comes in with songs that cover the EXACT same territory, but with a vastly different spin:

They are ALL GAY. And not just gay-oriented, or gay-themed, but seriously, TOTALLY, GAY. I mean, in YO FACE gay! The only thing that Soce does not do that so many rappers do, is that he does not make you feel BAD. Not a single song is angry, but all CELEBRATORY and inspiring, somehow! He managed to have even the most hetero thug singin' and head-bobbin' to songs such as "I AM (SO GAY)" and "SD" (Suckin' Dick). Songs with deep beats over violins (played by Soce, himself!), catchy choruses that had the audiences singing along immediately, joining in with his huge, underground following, and even nasty, fun remixes of traditional Jewish songs, such as the "WORK/PLAY bar mitsvah remix." His music is ORIGINAL, smart, and manages to make everyone happy, laughing, smiling, and proud to be gay or even WANTING to be gay! LOL!

Soce, is unabashadly, unapologetically GAY. It was beautiful to see such freedom, which is probably why rap (aka hip hop) rose to popularity in the first place, becoming a tough genre contributing to the lift of oppression, obvious or unseen. Well, at least, it used to be. Now it's just a bunch of noise, which is why Soce is SO REFRESHING, even among his peers!

Excellent job, SOCE! In addition to your list of descriptions that are already suprising, contradictory, and even oxymoronic, you can add "pioneer."


SOCE on MySpace



Friday, October 21, 2005

4, 8, 15, 16, 23 and 42

Speaking of yet another favorite T.V. show, LOST; this is just funny:

From MyYahoo news:

"Lost" numbers loses MILLIONS

Winning the lottery may have caused nothing but trouble for Lost's Hurley, but hordes of Powerball players were willing to take their chances.

Hundreds of lotto players in the multi-state drawing selected the Emmy-winning show's cursed digits--4, 8, 15, 16, 23 and 42--in the $340 million drawing Wednesday.

Unfortunately--or maybe fortunately, considering the damage they've done--the Lost numbers lost.


Thursday, October 20, 2005

Blogger?! I don't even know her!

Yet another fellow blogger has joined the fold of New York City and I was honored to meet him last night! YAY!


Actually, he has RE-joined the fold of New York City, and from how it sounds, he's learned his lesson, too: There is NOWHERE on Earth like New York City and it's just not worth leaving here. I don't know if he would TOTALLY agree with that statement, but I think there is some common ground in it.

My other fellow blogger-become-New-Yorker (and yet another New York RETURNEE) has basically become consumed by the demands of that return and we have yet to meet. I think he's been here the better part of the year, too! Of course, there's more to why we haven't met, but that's on the mend. Time and effort do wonders. If you recall, there were sudden cardiac complications with that relationship at one point, so I think we are both still quite tentative. I think we might really like each other a LOT, but we also know that our time together would probably be doomed to a fatal explosion in a very inappropriate venue. I mean, he even REMOVED me from his links! In BlogWorld, that's some serious shit. But hey, I roll with the punches...

It's weird to really like (and care about) people who are SO completely different from you, to the point of potentially violating your very core. I love that experience.

I think I've always found it easy to enjoy the result of a person and not be hung up about his or her chosen ingredients. Ultimately, a person might not TASTE that great, (or have that great of Taste, LOL) but hey, I don't have to eat the person; just enjoy the presence and ultimate result.

Okay, did my metaphor just go all awry and gross?

It's surprisingly common for me to be acquaintances/friends with die-hard Republicans; boys who dump me; anti-gay-homophobic men; fur-wearing women; carnivorous, anti-spiritual, cynical people; complicated, mopey, conflicted people without the capability to have fun; and even some who actually hate me. Yeah! They can be my friends, too!

Believe me, it's a much more beautiful world when even Hate is seen as just a PART of a relationship and NOT the entirety of it. Besides, Hate is extremely intimate. Hate isn't the opposite of Love; it's her sister.

I've either developed a real capacity for acceptance and genuine love, or I am just plain masochistic. Or maybe those things aren't mutually exclusive?

The truth is, I am sure I make room for all of these differences because they are what make people individuals and I hold that as far more precious than protecting my comfort levels. Besides, to assume I had a right to filter out every person who was "different" from me would really limit my world and contribute to the divide that most people so thoughtlessly help generate every day. And in the end, maybe... just MAYBE... someone will stretch a bit for me and love me... just the way I am.



For your birthday, you are back into my blog links! What the hell... it's all good, right.


Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Needless to say...

Okay, yeah, I have my vices:

near-weekly cocktails
social addiction to people
insatiable appetite for most-excellent music


Yes, T.V.

I know it's so uncool and shameful to like T.V., but I do. In the past few years Television has exploded into something that satisfies a spectrum of needs inside me, ranging from controversial insights to political retaliation to intelligent drama to intelligent comedy to just plain, mindless entertainment. This wasn't always the case, but I do believe I've always had a soft-spot for T.V. since a huge portion of my creativity was generated from the characters with whom I grew up; I mean, hello:


How amazing was it for me to be running from and/or befriending dinosaurs in my own back yard?!! My god, the Sleestacks!
Need I say more...

Hello! She was SO much more exciting to me than Wonder Woman. The Bionic Woman was someone who was just an average gal who was thrown into extraordinary circumstances and I could relate far more to that, I guess. Wonder Woman had a huge race of people to support her, had an arsenal of outlandish tools to use to enhance her, but Bionic Woman,... what'd she have? Just a good set of legs, one good arm, and one good ear. They were REALLY good, but that's all she had. AND she was pretty, but just average pretty. I remember jumping off of Monkey Bars on the playground, all the while hearing that slow-motion sound and moving as slowly as I could from a squat position, then powerfully up into a leaping position,... all to simulate a Bionic jump, of course, plummeting to the ground shortly after. But still... for a second, I could fly. You know, to this day, I am still mesmerized by Lindsay Wagner. If I had the money, I'd buy a Sleep-Number bed, dammit!

And yes, Bewitched was for me; not I Dream of Jeannie. Samantha Stephens (Elizabeth Montgomery) was an extraordinary person trying her best to accommodate a less-than-extraordinary world. I related to this not so much because of the skew between how different I felt vs how everything else seemed SAME, but that she LOVED THAT WORLD of SAMENESS. She didn't find her extraordinary powers to be an excuse for her not living like everyone else. Because of her sense of the extraordinary, her appreciation of the mundane was keen. This was beautiful to me and I grew up with this sense of awe in the simplest of things, as well as discovering that EVERYONE is extraordinary; it's not an exclusive reality.

Okay, so the point of this post was to say... needless to say,... my modern Bionic Woman, Bewitched, I guess, is Sydney Bristow (ALIAS) these days:

So,... needless to say,... THIS is not good news.

As much as I love T.V., as soon as I love a show or character, they yank it from the airwaves.


Monday, October 17, 2005

When your pain is framed in another's Art

It is one of the most beautiful and aching things in the world to see your own pain framed in the art of another person. It is at once healing and horrifying, because it feels so wonderful to know you are not alone, but then it also saddens me to know that anyone else might endure such things.

Today, I stumbled across this, and my heart cracked under the weight of so much sadness I've carried over the past few months, breaking through the fence of my smile and the barbs of my anger.

I'm glad.

I really did need this today:

CLICK to launch video


Wednesday, October 12, 2005

A Foot in Two Worlds

I have so much more to write about than this, but I have GOT to get my work caught up or I am a dead duck...

Dreamt last night about two names that would be very important to me:

"Clifford F. B." and I can't remember the other now! Accck! The odd thing is that the F in the Clifford name was pronounced "FEE," so that the name sounded like, "Clifford Phoebe."

I did a search for Clifford F. B. and nothing came up, except that there are lists of names that happen to end with Clifford and begin with F. B. (such as R. L. Clifford, F. B. Kline). More interesting was the fact that Clifford Phoebe brought up TONS of results for THE HOUSE OF SEVEN GABLES, wherein two of the main characters are Clifford and Phoebe. Clifford was a completely misunderstood, framed, and inappropriately punished individual, while Phoebe was an innocent, new, young energy brought into the house just as Clifford was returning from his wrongful imprisonment of many, many years. Clifford, frail and old and slightly crazy, found solace and longing in the presence of the youthful, embracing Phoebe. With yet another attack against Clifford, he had to run off into the world to try to hide from the accusations that he killed yet another man (a relative who had died of natural causes). Exhausted and surrendering, Clifford returns home anyway and finds that the evidence does not stand against him and that he is the inheritor of this relative's estate! Clifford and Phoebe live happily ever after! (pretty much)

I have never read this book, so I don't know if it is relevant, but it's interesting to ponder... as was my realization that the scarification dream symbol can be found on the underbelly of the Blue Whale!

Who knows...

Well, probably Abimn!



Saturday, October 08, 2005

Together Again

I haven't done so, officially, and I have yet to get a great picture of the three of us, but the long-time "Blue" family is now together again, living in harmony and hilarity. Cyprus, Johnny, and me, so I'd like to officially shout:


At one point in our 15 years or so of friendship, we had decided to rename ourselves something that would reflect our being a "family," so we chose the last name of BLUE. We also chose new first names. Debra became Cyprus, Johnny became Basil, and I became Otterly. And to add to the creativity, our last names were not the same, but still the same, so as to represent our absolute differences while still being our bonding factor, so...

Cyprus Blu
Otterly Blue
Basil Bleu

This silly, yet important, rite of passage came as a result of reading LOST FUTURES, by Lisa Tuttle, wherein a woman suddenly wakes up in a parallel version of her own life. She struggles throughout the book to get back to her "own" parallel, all the while finding more and more bizarre versions of herself and her life being lived right alongside what she had always thought was the only life she had. At one point, she thought she was "home," but found that her best friend called her by a strange name. The character discreetly discovered why she was called this other name. It seems that in THAT parallel version of her life, there was a common rite of passage around the age of 13 - 18 that had all children choose their OWN first names. This rite of passage was important as a process to free them from the ideas of their parents and family and to allow the children to grow up as their own idea of Self.

I loved that idea SO MUCH that we actually did it, ourselves! So, some people still call me Otterly, and if you are reading this, you can, too! I go by Otterly, Troy, CocteauBoy... no matter what you call me, it seems a cartoon character still comes to mind!

In my tribe

Wow, I had another odd dream. Surprise. I've actually had a few, but now that I am here, the intensity and certainty of my remembering those dreams is gone. Isn't that weird how you can have a dream and be absolutely sure that you will remember it, but within hours, or even minutes, the memory is gone or fading rapidly. That's the way it is when I channel, too. While in trance, it seems I can "hear" and I am thoroughly aware of the conversations that are happening around me, but as soon as I come out of the trance, the experience and memory begins to fade rapidly.

So I'd better get this one down:

Dreamt that I came upon the back of woman whose back was exposed. I took out a razor blade and began carving a design in her back. This wasn't an attack, but something she had expected, apparently. I remember being a little freaked out that it was happening, but she was very comfortable and even eager about what I was doing. I carved a straight line down her back, from nape to about the middle of the back, and then, on each side of this straight line, I pulled the razor down to carve a parallel line that would then curve away from the middle line; like this:I did this somehow so that she bled very little, considering what I was doing. I awoke with a strong sense that the symbol was important. In my dream, the symbol was much more perfectly curved and drawn.


Tuesday, October 04, 2005

The Reincarnation of


If you are new to my work:

Monday, October 03, 2005

Open Casket

Dreams are settling down again, thank goodness, but last night's was another oddity:

All I remember was discovering that a community of people had discovered that several of their dead had never actually been buried. Construction was being done in the local graveyard and many of the coffins were busted open and lying around, EMPTY. I remember seeing the name of two of the coffins/grave sites, but now I can't remember exactly who they were. For some reason, I think I saw the name, "Phillip." When a few of the people standing around started asking what could have happened that the bodies were never buried, the response from those doing construction was, "Ahhh, what's the big deal! Just get a new coffin and bury THAT."