This is what happens when I almost die and then start recovering to a point where I think I can do anything again... but, uh, I can't, yet. I'm not strong or stable, yet, so I don't know what I was thinking.
Boy, it feels great to be back home, again! My first night was really disturbing and exciting at the same time, because I had been feeling so good when I left the hospital, but upon settling in for the night, I found it much more difficult to breathe, walk, and pains started growing in places I hadn't noticed before I got home. Apparently, it's quite normal to have a first couple of nights of a sharp drop in strength upon returning home from a controlled environment. Knowing this really helped me to endure.
Other things that add to the shock is just the change of ease from living in one hospital room vs living in an apartment. For instance, as part of the design of our apartment, I have to go down a tight spiral stairs to get to the bathroom, so when completely weak and out of breath, this was a very daunting journey.
Of course, the best part of ALL of this is that my health is returning (slowwwly, but surely) and that I am home with my boyfriend where we can finally collapse into the reality that we are not going to lose each other anymore over this. Those were some painful and terrifying days for both of us and now we just get to experience the relief and the patience for my recovery. I am really lucky to have him in my life. I hate being dependent and completely reliant on someone for the simplest things, so this is a real challenge for me. It's also a challenge for him since he's never had to have someone so dependent on him. Somehow, despite some minor grouchiness at times from both of our parts over this challenging adjustment, we both know what is important in the end and we have to trust and love and endure... and we do. Because we really do love each other beyond all of this.
So here's a little vlog to show you my skinny lil body and that I am walking and talking and being as normal as I can be within a few days of having been in a coma and almost dying! Yeesh, as much as I wish to be better NOW, it is still amazing to me that I am in this good of condition after such a shock of last weekend. Wow.
We can be amazing creatures.
In comical honor of Valerie Cherish from the most-excellent, short-lived series "THE COMEBACK!" I am posting my last vlog from the hospital! Originally I thought I would be leaving tomorrow, but I am leaving today! Despite my near-death experiences, coma, and need for serious patience in recovering over the next few weeks, I still have my humor and love! YAY!
For those who don't know Valerie Cherish, you should really buy the series. AMAZING! I still laugh about several of the moments of genius comedy brought to it by Lisa Kudrow. This little vlog just made me laugh and happy to do because I am mimicking her trying to be "natural" as she made her reality tv statement that she was ready for her comeback!
So am I! YAY!
I wanted to post something positive again in response to my quick recovery. It's been a very scary and rough ride, but it seems I am exponentially repairing myself as each day passes! All I need to do is get my strength back in my legs, which is coming back nicely, and keeping my breathing balanced, as I had a lot of damage to my lungs from the pneumonia, of course.
My dad and Nick flew to Amsterdam to be my side during the worst part of all of this. I was doing fairly well and then was taken to Intensive Care just as they were to arrive, so Nick had to spend most of his time with me in my coma. Although I don't consciously remember it, he sang to me and soothed me as I struggled through the nights and day. I am so grateful for his enduring such a terrifying experience of watching a friend nearly die, or in so much pain.
Of course, I had my father and my boyfriend with me, along with my boyfriend's family. These people have very special love for me that was felt all the way down into my cells; I just know it.
My boyfriend has been with me every single day since this began nearly a month ago, and I have besides the practical, medical care that has definitely saved my life, I have to give my boyfriend credit for truly saving my LIFE. I have never felt such a kindness and love, ever in my life, and his devotion to my recovery and our relationship has changed everything about the way I feel about letting love into my life. I will never reject it again. I will never be mean to myself again. I will never EVER let pettiness and pride EVER get between me and the ones who love me. EVER. He has shown me a way of being loved that I never even knew I could allow in my life, let alone have so freely given to me and without any condition.
I don't know what's ahead for us, but I do know that we are bound forever by a love that probably started long before this life and extends far beyond what we can comprehend right now. This kind of love from him has allowed me to now see that I've always had this with my friends and family and even from acquaintances, and I feel bathed in a beauty that I never knew before. Of course, almost dying always puts things in perspective, too, so that helps.
Apparently, I am still a hoot while I am nearly dead and unconscious. I don't remember much, but reports from my loves have said that I was being dead-pan funny about some things. I can't believe I would be funny in the state I was in, but that's the big kid in me wanting to survive, I am sure.
One of the more touching and emotional reports I got was from my dad. He said that he asked me if there was anything he could get for me. I was strapped down, so I had limited mobility, but I pointed my finger. He said he couldn't understand what I was trying to say, so he kept asking until he figured out that I wanted his hand by my finger. When he held out his palm, he said I struggled, but spelled: J - I - P
When I heard this story I started bawling. It was both so "Lifetime TV Moment" and beautiful and I am just amazed that my love for Jip goes deep enough to be able to spell his name from a place of near-unconsciousness when I was asked what I needed/wanted.
Speaking of crying, because of my lack of ability to breathe, I have not been able to cry about all of this very easily... until today. Today I have been an emotional mess, but in a very good way. Crying for my realizations, for my friends' suffering through this with me, for my suffering, for everyone in the hospital who is suffering, for everyone who is struggling to live, emotionally or physically or intellectually...
My several bouts of crying today were also about gratitude and basically just catching up with my self. It feels great to cry. Like I am being aligned in other ways I need to be as part of my recovery.
Thanks to EVERYONE who took part in my healing... I'm not done, yet, but I am so much better.
I love you.
vlog: ANOTHER DAY OF RECOVERY! from CocteauBoy on Vimeo
I can't write a lot right now, but I was able to get access to the internet and my laptop today so I could send out a big love vlog to show that I am recovering. I have serious double-pneumonia, which is now gone, but my body's immune system collapsed and I spent a long time in the hospital. The past few days were with my being in Intensive Care in a coma on a respirator, because I could no longer create oxygen on my own. I am very lucky and happy to be alive. I hope the worst of all of this over, but I should still be in the hospital for another week or two as I regain my strength and learn to breathe on my own.
I can't thank those of you enough who have stuck through this with me and have sent to me cards, thoughts, good energy, healing, etc. I really needed it. I still do and I hope you keep me with you in your happy thoughts.
I know I look really awful in this video and I have lost about 30 lbs, but at least I am feeling healthier and can walk a little and speak easily. YAY! My spirits remain high!
LOVE YOU ALL
ONE MINUTE WANDERS: Out of Intensive Care from CocteauBoy on Vimeo