Tuesday, June 26, 2007



So I tried to be funny today for Jip and succeeded, but when he requested I do the same thing again for him so he could film it, the entire thing went awry. Watch closely as I try to play like the wind is so strong it is blowing me away... except... it really does and I lose my balance and you can see I am almost completely horizontal, heading face-down, as I fly out of range of the camera! Of course, the next shot is of Jip closing in on me as I lie on my back after sliding on my face, shoulders, and hands... bleeding all over.

This is what happens when I almost die and then start recovering to a point where I think I can do anything again... but, uh, I can't, yet. I'm not strong or stable, yet, so I don't know what I was thinking.


Saturday, June 23, 2007


Originally uploaded by PHOTOMO
Yesterday was a wonderful day of being out and about with Jip and Ankie, his mother! Although I move about like a little, old man and I lose my breath regularly, at least I am moving and functional in the world again! YAY!

We went to Amsterdam's China Town to try to find some herbs and oils that are good for the immune system. We then went to lunch and sat outside under the awning during a downpour that changed quickly to sunshine and breeze again. I love that about Amsterdam weather.

We then walked through DAM SQUARE, which is a huge tourist convergence similar to my New York's TIMES SQUARE. Below is a video of Jip and Ankie saying hi (particularly to NICK!) and a nice spin around DAM SQUARE to share with all my pals!

Eventually, we made it to THE AMERICAN BOOK CENTER where I looked in vain for something to read. I just couldn't find anything and by this time, I was getting exhausted and even almost passed out.


I bought a Writing Magazine to keep me inspired, but my time was running out so Jip and Ankie made sure I got back to Centraal Station so I could get the subway home, alone. They went on to see Jip's brother perform in a band, but I just couldn't go.


So here's the little video of Dam Square with Jip, Ankie, and me!

Tuesday, June 19, 2007


Back Into The World
Originally uploaded by CocteauBoy

Yesterday was my first steps back into the outside world after months of being limited to a bed, a room, or an apartment. At first I was very nervous and scared about not being able to keep up my strength or keep my breathing steady, but then as the day wore on, I started getting really excited about going outside. Not only to go outside, but to go DO something! So I convinced Jip that I was well-enough to go grocery shopping!

I walked with him all the way there before needing a tiny break, and then went right on into the store and proceeded to shop like a kid in a candy store! In regaining my health and strength, I am also regaining a large appetite, so being in the store while I was hungry brought out all kinds of cravings I've been having, but couldn't do anything about because I either couldn't describe what I wanted, or Jip had no clue what I was describing. For instance, I have been craving "hash browns" for a lonnnng time. Here in The Netherlands, no one even knows what that is. I kept trying to describe them as shredded potatoes, sometimes pressed into shapes, or sometimes just cooked loosely until crispy. No clue. Well, as soon as I looked into the frozen potatoes section, there were PLENTY of "hash brown" options! When I showed them to Jip, he insisted that the shredded potatoes were just "french fries" and couldn't comprehend what the difference is. Believe me, there is a HUGE difference between French Fries, crispy Hash Browns, and even shredded potatoes that you can fry up. BIG difference. I am a potato fan, so I should know, and now I have my craving fulfulled... that's all that matters.



FRENCH FRIES (very different)

Needless to say, my first outing was a success, and I am so happy to be functioning better and better! Here's a little tiny video of my first steps out the door of the apartment and out into the world again...

Saturday, June 16, 2007

vlog: Recovery Update

CocteauBoy LIVES!

There is still not much to report as I just spend my days patiently recovering much slower than I expected. I did some research today on my pneumonia to read about recovery times and it seems it's to be expected to be weeks, if not months, before living normal again. And I have to be careful because, apparently, there can be an easy relapse back into the pneumonia after two or three months of recovery! This scares the hell out of me.

But I have to focus only on recovery and getting back into my life. Everything seems as elusive to me as the ground outside of a building where I haven't been able to walk for a couple of months now. I can get around the apartment quite easily now (relatively speaking) and without losing too much breath, but it's still very difficult.

I made a video today on one of my better days after I took my shower and was feeling perky. I also took some pictures of me today to update my profiles since I look so different now.

Strange New/Familiar Face

I miss everyone SO MUCH, but I am SO HAPPY and LUCKY to report that my Love is taking amazing care of me and keeping me from even feeling a tiny bit lost and homesick! I feel safe and at home in his care and I can't wait to be free enough to just go bounce and play about with him like we deserve to be with each other. I love him so much. I really have no idea what I would have done without him.

Enjoy the Vlog!

Sunday, June 10, 2007


Boy, it feels great to be back home, again! My first night was really disturbing and exciting at the same time, because I had been feeling so good when I left the hospital, but upon settling in for the night, I found it much more difficult to breathe, walk, and pains started growing in places I hadn't noticed before I got home. Apparently, it's quite normal to have a first couple of nights of a sharp drop in strength upon returning home from a controlled environment. Knowing this really helped me to endure.

Other things that add to the shock is just the change of ease from living in one hospital room vs living in an apartment. For instance, as part of the design of our apartment, I have to go down a tight spiral stairs to get to the bathroom, so when completely weak and out of breath, this was a very daunting journey.

Of course, the best part of ALL of this is that my health is returning (slowwwly, but surely) and that I am home with my boyfriend where we can finally collapse into the reality that we are not going to lose each other anymore over this. Those were some painful and terrifying days for both of us and now we just get to experience the relief and the patience for my recovery. I am really lucky to have him in my life. I hate being dependent and completely reliant on someone for the simplest things, so this is a real challenge for me. It's also a challenge for him since he's never had to have someone so dependent on him. Somehow, despite some minor grouchiness at times from both of our parts over this challenging adjustment, we both know what is important in the end and we have to trust and love and endure... and we do. Because we really do love each other beyond all of this.

So here's a little vlog to show you my skinny lil body and that I am walking and talking and being as normal as I can be within a few days of having been in a coma and almost dying! Yeesh, as much as I wish to be better NOW, it is still amazing to me that I am in this good of condition after such a shock of last weekend. Wow.

We can be amazing creatures.

Friday, June 08, 2007


In comical honor of Valerie Cherish from the most-excellent, short-lived series "THE COMEBACK!" I am posting my last vlog from the hospital! Originally I thought I would be leaving tomorrow, but I am leaving today! Despite my near-death experiences, coma, and need for serious patience in recovering over the next few weeks, I still have my humor and love! YAY!

For those who don't know Valerie Cherish, you should really buy the series. AMAZING! I still laugh about several of the moments of genius comedy brought to it by Lisa Kudrow. This little vlog just made me laugh and happy to do because I am mimicking her trying to be "natural" as she made her reality tv statement that she was ready for her comeback!

So am I! YAY!

Thursday, June 07, 2007

vlog: Contemplative Recovery

Contemplative Recovery
Originally uploaded by CocteauBoy
Doctors and Nurses have expressed amazement at my recovery since leaving Intensive Care! I may be leaving the hospital in a day or two! YAY!

ONE MINUTE WANDERS: Reporting in on Recovery! from CocteauBoy on Vimeo

Wednesday, June 06, 2007


Hi everyone!

I wanted to post something positive again in response to my quick recovery. It's been a very scary and rough ride, but it seems I am exponentially repairing myself as each day passes! All I need to do is get my strength back in my legs, which is coming back nicely, and keeping my breathing balanced, as I had a lot of damage to my lungs from the pneumonia, of course.

My dad and Nick flew to Amsterdam to be my side during the worst part of all of this. I was doing fairly well and then was taken to Intensive Care just as they were to arrive, so Nick had to spend most of his time with me in my coma. Although I don't consciously remember it, he sang to me and soothed me as I struggled through the nights and day. I am so grateful for his enduring such a terrifying experience of watching a friend nearly die, or in so much pain.

Of course, I had my father and my boyfriend with me, along with my boyfriend's family. These people have very special love for me that was felt all the way down into my cells; I just know it.

My boyfriend has been with me every single day since this began nearly a month ago, and I have besides the practical, medical care that has definitely saved my life, I have to give my boyfriend credit for truly saving my LIFE. I have never felt such a kindness and love, ever in my life, and his devotion to my recovery and our relationship has changed everything about the way I feel about letting love into my life. I will never reject it again. I will never be mean to myself again. I will never EVER let pettiness and pride EVER get between me and the ones who love me. EVER. He has shown me a way of being loved that I never even knew I could allow in my life, let alone have so freely given to me and without any condition.

I don't know what's ahead for us, but I do know that we are bound forever by a love that probably started long before this life and extends far beyond what we can comprehend right now. This kind of love from him has allowed me to now see that I've always had this with my friends and family and even from acquaintances, and I feel bathed in a beauty that I never knew before. Of course, almost dying always puts things in perspective, too, so that helps.

Apparently, I am still a hoot while I am nearly dead and unconscious. I don't remember much, but reports from my loves have said that I was being dead-pan funny about some things. I can't believe I would be funny in the state I was in, but that's the big kid in me wanting to survive, I am sure.

One of the more touching and emotional reports I got was from my dad. He said that he asked me if there was anything he could get for me. I was strapped down, so I had limited mobility, but I pointed my finger. He said he couldn't understand what I was trying to say, so he kept asking until he figured out that I wanted his hand by my finger. When he held out his palm, he said I struggled, but spelled: J - I - P

When I heard this story I started bawling. It was both so "Lifetime TV Moment" and beautiful and I am just amazed that my love for Jip goes deep enough to be able to spell his name from a place of near-unconsciousness when I was asked what I needed/wanted.

Speaking of crying, because of my lack of ability to breathe, I have not been able to cry about all of this very easily... until today. Today I have been an emotional mess, but in a very good way. Crying for my realizations, for my friends' suffering through this with me, for my suffering, for everyone in the hospital who is suffering, for everyone who is struggling to live, emotionally or physically or intellectually...

My several bouts of crying today were also about gratitude and basically just catching up with my self. It feels great to cry. Like I am being aligned in other ways I need to be as part of my recovery.

Thanks to EVERYONE who took part in my healing... I'm not done, yet, but I am so much better.

I love you.

vlog: ANOTHER DAY OF RECOVERY! from CocteauBoy on Vimeo

Tuesday, June 05, 2007


I can't write a lot right now, but I was able to get access to the internet and my laptop today so I could send out a big love vlog to show that I am recovering. I have serious double-pneumonia, which is now gone, but my body's immune system collapsed and I spent a long time in the hospital. The past few days were with my being in Intensive Care in a coma on a respirator, because I could no longer create oxygen on my own. I am very lucky and happy to be alive. I hope the worst of all of this over, but I should still be in the hospital for another week or two as I regain my strength and learn to breathe on my own.

I can't thank those of you enough who have stuck through this with me and have sent to me cards, thoughts, good energy, healing, etc. I really needed it. I still do and I hope you keep me with you in your happy thoughts.

I know I look really awful in this video and I have lost about 30 lbs, but at least I am feeling healthier and can walk a little and speak easily. YAY! My spirits remain high!


ONE MINUTE WANDERS: Out of Intensive Care from CocteauBoy on Vimeo