vlog: ANOTHER DAY OF RECOVERY!

Hi everyone!

I wanted to post something positive again in response to my quick recovery. It's been a very scary and rough ride, but it seems I am exponentially repairing myself as each day passes! All I need to do is get my strength back in my legs, which is coming back nicely, and keeping my breathing balanced, as I had a lot of damage to my lungs from the pneumonia, of course.

My dad and Nick flew to Amsterdam to be my side during the worst part of all of this. I was doing fairly well and then was taken to Intensive Care just as they were to arrive, so Nick had to spend most of his time with me in my coma. Although I don't consciously remember it, he sang to me and soothed me as I struggled through the nights and day. I am so grateful for his enduring such a terrifying experience of watching a friend nearly die, or in so much pain.

Of course, I had my father and my boyfriend with me, along with my boyfriend's family. These people have very special love for me that was felt all the way down into my cells; I just know it.

My boyfriend has been with me every single day since this began nearly a month ago, and I have besides the practical, medical care that has definitely saved my life, I have to give my boyfriend credit for truly saving my LIFE. I have never felt such a kindness and love, ever in my life, and his devotion to my recovery and our relationship has changed everything about the way I feel about letting love into my life. I will never reject it again. I will never be mean to myself again. I will never EVER let pettiness and pride EVER get between me and the ones who love me. EVER. He has shown me a way of being loved that I never even knew I could allow in my life, let alone have so freely given to me and without any condition.

I don't know what's ahead for us, but I do know that we are bound forever by a love that probably started long before this life and extends far beyond what we can comprehend right now. This kind of love from him has allowed me to now see that I've always had this with my friends and family and even from acquaintances, and I feel bathed in a beauty that I never knew before. Of course, almost dying always puts things in perspective, too, so that helps.

Apparently, I am still a hoot while I am nearly dead and unconscious. I don't remember much, but reports from my loves have said that I was being dead-pan funny about some things. I can't believe I would be funny in the state I was in, but that's the big kid in me wanting to survive, I am sure.

One of the more touching and emotional reports I got was from my dad. He said that he asked me if there was anything he could get for me. I was strapped down, so I had limited mobility, but I pointed my finger. He said he couldn't understand what I was trying to say, so he kept asking until he figured out that I wanted his hand by my finger. When he held out his palm, he said I struggled, but spelled: J - I - P

When I heard this story I started bawling. It was both so "Lifetime TV Moment" and beautiful and I am just amazed that my love for Jip goes deep enough to be able to spell his name from a place of near-unconsciousness when I was asked what I needed/wanted.

Speaking of crying, because of my lack of ability to breathe, I have not been able to cry about all of this very easily... until today. Today I have been an emotional mess, but in a very good way. Crying for my realizations, for my friends' suffering through this with me, for my suffering, for everyone in the hospital who is suffering, for everyone who is struggling to live, emotionally or physically or intellectually...

My several bouts of crying today were also about gratitude and basically just catching up with my self. It feels great to cry. Like I am being aligned in other ways I need to be as part of my recovery.

Thanks to EVERYONE who took part in my healing... I'm not done, yet, but I am so much better.

I love you.


vlog: ANOTHER DAY OF RECOVERY! from CocteauBoy on Vimeo