Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Social Club DEBUT

Well, me and some of the gang made our first appearance at what will come to be called THE SOCIAL CLUB; a monthly gathering of people to a huge loft apartment/studio in DUMBO for the purpose of socializing, sharing talent, entertainment, networking, and general debauchery.

I would have to say this debut fell a bit flat as compared to its purposes and intent, but I had A GREAT TIME!!!! The planned showcases may have fallen flat (poor sound system), but the guests and people with whom I talked were absolutely so much fun!

The highlight of the night was JESSICA WOOD, a local gal who had me laughing so hard I was distracting her from her own show and I think I nearly vomitted into Carlos' sweater. She was frickin' HILARIOUS!! I plan to go see her VERY soon!

I was having so much fun because everyone there had something to do with art, entertainment, acting, singing,... something creative. What a high you can get from all of that creative juice flowing in a huge loft... although, Carlos later informed me that there was probably some weed floating in the air, too, but I wouldn't know... Besides, I have been around people smoking pot before and I truly believe I am not affected (other than by thinking how bad it stinks).

FYI: I have never done drugs. Not because of anything moral or ethical or judgmental... I have just never been interested for some reason. I think it's because I am already way out there, so to be on drugs would probably just leave me lubed up and stuck in space somewhere! LOL!

Here are some REALLY bad pix from the night... I suck at using my camera!

Van, Nick, & Carlos
Mister Potato Head
his hottie boyfriend, Carlos!

Murmured-Poetry Hypnotist

Cyprus, after hearing the murmured-poetry hypnotist!

Stretch of creative peoples
Temar... later with Andrea and (I think) Dan

Nick's Shirt

It really sucks that I cannot remember this comedians name because he was FUNNY! He's the boyfriend/husband? of Jessica!!


Awww... the Morning-After Monkey!! YAY!

The Dance of Friendships

After the success of Roxanna and I hitting it off, it was only a matter of time before meeting more of Carlos' family and friends. I almost forgot that I actually met Carlos' mom and dad shortly after his return home! Wow. What inviting, sweet people!!?? His mother does not speak English, so I was left with only energy and body language to interpret, but she was welcoming to me. His father was very friendly and talkative to me, asking me about my life and my friends and family. It was very refreshing and I have now become inspired to use my Spanish Language course to learn Spanish by year's end. I would love to be able to have a conversation with his mother! That might be important some day...

Recently I was invited by Carlos to the home of his two friends: Lorenzo and Tina. Roxanna was there and another friend, Debbie. Lorenzo and Tina were an unlikely, yet adorable couple, with Lorenzo being a rather large man and Tina being a rather thin girl. Somehow the match seemed perfect, though! Debbie was a wildcat who has learned to be tame, but I could tell she is a WILDCAT. I can tell I am going to have many stories to tell that may involve her in the future! Roxanna looked particularly beautiful again that night. I don't know what it is about her, but she exudes this very soft light that makes you feel a appreciation for her history, even if you don't realize that's what you are doing,... like there are secrets not even her best friend may know; like you can feel she has overcome something and will never speak a word about it. I don't know if that is TRUE, but that's the way I would describe the feeling, that's all. Not only is she physically beautiful, but I think her enigmatic energy leaves one very intrigued and wanting to know more. She has definite star qualities (she's an actress)!

One of the things that was so impressive on me was that the host, Lorenzo, was alerted by Carlos that I am Vegan. Normally, people would just maybe toss together some cold vegetables and call it a meal, wishing they were not inconvenienced by some freakish animal rights boy. Well, not Lorenzo! He specifically planned two elaborate entrees; one with dairy and one without, both being Baked Ziti! He planned to make Tofu Riccota and use Soy Mozzarello. In the end, he bought the wrong Mozzarello (organic, instead of Soy, d'oh!) and did not make the Ziti, but instead prepared an altogether different meal that was ziti with brocolli and garlic. He even set up the salad so that any dairy could be added on, but was not already included. I felt very embraced because of these little measures taken to consider me. I NEVER expect that kind of consideration among anyone, let alone strangers, so that was a wonderful experience!

After dinner we retired to the living room for video games! Oh my god, they were FUN!!! We played these hilarious drumming and dancing games that I thought I would be intimidated by, but because of the warm, friendliness of Carlos' friends, I quickly felt eager to play! I am SO glad I did and now I want to buy all of those games!

Roxanna and Debbie!

The Dance Pads!


The Hottest Cheering Section EVER



Carlos' perfect dancing again!

The Tina Jive!

The Goober Dance!
Good Lord... Help us all...
Hee hee...

A Return To Innocence

Carlos has returned. Carlos is Home.

You all know this by now, but what you might not know is that my heart has returned to its innocence again. NOT because of anything dependant on Carlos, but because of the process I endured while he was away. I had two choices: I could succumb to the lethal lie that I was just completely unloveable and broken and that no one could ever get into me to rescue me from that darkness... OR, I could use that time as an emotional reality check and gently reach into myself to rescue me from my past. I was stuck there. I was lonely there, but I was not alone. I was my own jailer and my own torturer.

Yeah, I took over where my mom left off.

Immediately upon experiencing the joy of my relationship with Carlos, I took the very first opportunity to destroy it for myself and prove that I was just unloveable and easily rejectable. I quickly caught myself and did everything I could to still the mean voices of protection telling me that Carlos was just another in a line of people who would ultimately reject or betray or dismiss my love.

What ultimately gave me my footing was the deep remembering that *I* was the only person who had ever truly rejected me.

Over the years since leaving my childhood home of torture, I spent so much energy looking, waiting, hoping for someone,... just SOMEONE to prove to me that I really wasn't as awful as I was always told I was, growing up. I didn't know I was doing that, but in retrospect it is painfully obvious. How could I ever accept myself if not even one person could love me enough to make all of the pain go away??!!

Well, no one CAN love me that much. When you force someone into a hole in your heart, they just get harder to hear, to feel, and eventually you assume they are gone. I HAVE been loved and I AM loved, but I keep stacking people into my heart where the gaping hole is and then I never truly see them again, even when they are right there in my life being the best of everything I could ever want.

Carlos' trip out of the country helped me fix that last gaping hole that remained. In the time that he was gone, I finally GOT IT that Love wasn't something dependant on proof or someone else's choices, behavior, or expression. Carlos would forever fail my expectations if I didn't learn to embrace that wound inside my heart and own it.

I realized how unfair it was for me to just assume that I was a gift to Carlos...

"Here, Carlos, here's my heart! Oh, and oh yeah,... it's all busted up and I don't want it, so do you think you could spend your entire life trying to convince me that my heart is worth loving? Could ya? That'd be great. Meanwhile, I will spend all of my time distracting you with actions that just prove how easily and strongly *I* can love, while you struggle to make me feel safe for even a single night and then ultimately fail, leaving you feeling just wonderful!"

Uggh... the humility of admitting I behaved that way! But I did. NOT intentionally, but I did.

So while Carlos was gone, I "got it." The revelation was silly, like suddenly seeing a pattern stand out of a cloud formation. And sadly, the realization WASN'T new news... it was just that this time I "heard" it. I got it. I've given lip-service to it before, but never the deep transformation that I had this time.

You know what, it really did suck that I was raised with such abusiveness and torture. I totally understand why I would then search desperately for someone to love me, to accept me, and show me a new world. Part of my healing was accepting my past behavior that led me to do and behave in ways that were simply to earn or find love.

All the while, it was right in my own hands. My heart was in my hands, in my own arms, sticky and bleeding from the years of child abuse and then my own neglect. I had never allowed that part of me to grow into any strength of its own because I was still searching for a mothering love to heal it. The thing is, seeking the love and healing of others is NOT the problem and it is a good thing to do that, but if a person doesn't participate in his own love and healing, then the results are ineffective and sometimes even lethal.

So before Carlos had returned, I was already heading toward an inner peace and self-acceptance that I had never reached before. I was thankful for the experience and I had decided that I was okay with whatever Carlos may decide to do with the relationship. I was just grateful to know him and I was grateful for my inner growth.

So, of course, Carlos returns... and it turns out that Carlos is totally disoriented (yet LOVINGLY PATIENT) by my insistence on this being an issue at ALL. He just smiles, shakes his head, hugs me, and understands.

We had an amazing talk this past weekend to just figure out where we are with each other because now it is at the point where we have to figure each other into our daily lives and into each other's plans for the future. I asked the most direct and scariest question of all: "Now that the thrill of newness is gone, is this relationship REALLY something you want to have as a responsibility in your life, Carlos? Do you really want to try to fit me into your life, into your future, into your priorities?" And without a single sign of impatience, delusion, or defensivenes, he answered firmly, "Yes, that's why I am with you."

Although I was ready to accept any number of possible ways our relationship might go, I have to say that this response resonated with what I would consider the absolute, best possible answer!

Without going into a lot of detail, the gist of this post is to say that nearly EVERY issue you have read about me and my fears in relation to intimacy, self, and Carlos over the past few weeks... are all put to rest.

I am not naive enough to believe I am COMPLETELY healed, but I am wise enough to know that I have now dressed my wounds on my own, have pulled several people from the darkness of my heart, and I can now stand next to them and know I am loved.

I think this past weekend marked a major step toward my return to innocence. Everyone goes through that Rite of Passage at some point; an internal process into adulthood that makes you long for the past, re-examine old wounds, let go of other people's ideas of who/how you are supposed to be, and to grieve our child-like innocence and fun we seem to have lost.

The key to that successful passage is in allowing the examination of those wounds, honoring your past, using the influences of people that actually work for us, but letting go of that which does not, and allowing a discovery of a new kind of innocence and fun as an adult. It's kind of like coming full circle... and being born again, but this time, being born as a creation from yourself, not from the ideas of others.

It's a beautiful thing...

The Secret Is Out!

I have been offline for so long that I even noticed some blogs who USED to link to my blog (I won't mention any names) just dropped the link and left me high and dry... hmmm...

Okay... now to update you about "the secret." It's a two-parter!

Well, I couldn't post about my intentions because Carlos regularly checks out my blog, so I had to be very careful not to reveal "the plan."

In the time that he was gone, Carlos' best friend, Roxanna, contacted me through email just to say hi because we both missed Carlos and neither of us had even met each other, yet. I was SO happy she did that! As one can see from my previous posts, I was a wreck from missing Carlos. I had thought to myself that if only I could contact Roxanna while Carlos was gone, it might provide some comfort or I could at least focus on something tangible. So when she wrote me, I pounced on the opportunity with such enthusiasm, I am surprised she even responded! I eagerly invited her to dinner for our first meeting. Wouldn't Carlos be surprised that we had met while he was out of the country!? There was something satisfying about the whole plot on many levels.

She agreed to meet with me! YAY!

We went to dinner at East of Eighth and I was so nervous. I mean, this was "the best friend!" If she didn't approve of me, you know there could be lots of trouble! I had experienced that whole obstacle course with Nick and his posse, so I was dreading the potential troubles again. But Roxanna and I totally hit it off. We had a great talk, lots of laughs, nice vulnerable moments, and we both left very relieved and happy to have met each other.

In the process of having dinner, and after Roxanna apparently approved of me, she suggested an idea for Valentine's Day (weekend) that was absolutely brilliant:

We would not tell Carlos that we had met. Carlos would arrive on Saturday, his parents would pick him up, he would try to squeeze in a reunion with me before having to attend a previously scheduled Broadway show with Roxanna. As you can probably guess, I was seriously unhappy with having to be "squeezed in" after such an emotional grieving of Carlos, even though Carlos did not mean it that way at all. SO, the plan was that I would inform Carlos via Text Messaging upon his arrival that I was not going to be free that afternoon to see him. I took it even further and told him I would not be free Sunday, either. I suggested I would just have to "see him around" sometime in the week ahead after his return! There was something deliciously satisfying about telling him I would not be available, since I felt the need to punish him JUST a little bit for abandoning me all that time (even though he really didn't, I KNOWWWWWWW).

Okay, so Roxanna had explained to me that she and Carlos exchanged Valentine's gifts every year, so she suggested *I* be her gift to him this year! We elaborately planned a rendezvous for after they saw their show on Saturday. The plan was in action!

Saturday comes and I make sure not to have any contact with Carlos upon his arrival. That took every ounce of power in my Being! I wanted to just run to him and kiss and squish up all over him! But I remained calm, knowing the evil love plan was in stride. Poor Carlos began texting me more, asking, "babe, R U avoidn me?" awwww!!! I started getting nervous that he would seriously get annoyed at me.

Saturday unfolded and it was time for the reunion!

After a chaotic morning of creating a card and a gift and searching desperately for some acceptable flowers, I was off!

Unbeknownst to Carlos as he and Roxanna are standing in a crowded Starbucks in a long line, I was walking up the Avenue carrying a dozen roses and my little gift of a surprise reunion, my Valentine's Day flowers, and the special bonus treat of informing him that his best friend and boyfriend were already pals!!!

With some panicked, slightly chaotic cell phone stealthiness, Roxanna and I timed my entrance into Starbucks just as she said, "Your Valentine's Gift has arrived." I actually saw his face as she said it, and I saw he was thrust into bafflement...

Then he saw me... and the bafflement shifted into complete confusion and then absolute surprise and then happiness and then I think a BIT of overwhelm. It was all very delicious!

I was SO happy to see him; you cannot imagine! Because we were in public and because I could tell he was slightly overwhelmed even if super happy, all the while trying to balance his fresh cup of hot beverage in a massive crowd, I really restrained myself from just squishing the hell out of him with love. I missed him SO much!! Did I mention that!!??

The reunion and the surprise were a SUCCESS!!!

But the pain of my missing Carlos did not stop with the reunion as I had anticipated.

More on that in another entry...

PS. The Valentine's Gifts, besides the flowers, were a homemade card that expressed how long I have loved Carlos and how long I intend to continue (forever), and I made MAGNETS from the images included in this post! He loves refrigerator magnets (as I do) and so I made some of the two of us, together! Awwww!

Friday, February 11, 2005

I have a secret

I have a secret and I can't tell anyone (beyond a few) until after Saturday.

hee hee...

ps. our internet connection is SERIOUSLY compromised around here... technicians are coming out on 16th, so if you see few posts until then... that's why.


Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Later that day...

I got an email from Carlos!

You would think that would send me into elation, but no. I have twisted and distorted it in more ways than a Cirque de Soleil contortionist could ever dream.

It was a mass email (which I understand, of course), and he raved about how happy he is, how busy he is, how much he has been doing, how much he has been laughing, and how much his life has changed, how much he has learned about himself (he says, "both good and bad")...

Shouldn't I be happy he is so alive, safe, and exuberant? Well, I ammmm...


Now all I wonder is what it means that he can have such an extraordinary time and probably not even miss me or remember I exist, and what it means that he has learned "both good and bad" things about himself. Yeah, I am taking that to mean I'm a goner and that he cheated on me.

Welcome to NEEDSVILLE. Hi, I am President Loser and I would love to have you sit with me at the Dining Table of Insecurity! Come on... it'll be FUN!

LOL! Carlos, I know you will be reading this upon your return home. I sure hope you do love your crazy loon of a boyfriend enough to just laugh this off and find empathy for my position. I'm learning as much about myself by your being on your trip, as you are about yourself. I hope the lessons and insights shared will benefit both of us tremendously.

At least I know Carlos is safe and happy. I am truly grateful for that.

Breathe Me: Today's Lullaby For The Peoples

Boy, am I in a mood this morning... not an Oh-Woe-Is-Me mood, but more like... hmmmm,... well, this is probably not cool to admit; but more like an "I-Just-Want-To-Be-Held" mood...

Wanna join me? Come on... let's mope together. I can't be the only one honest enough to admit this shit, can I?

Click the image to launch the mp3 or Right-Click to SAVE TARGET AS...


SEE Breathe Me Video:
Windows Media version
Real Player version



Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, un-fold me
I am small, I'm needy
Warm me up and breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
Yeah, I think that I might break
Lost myself again
I feel unsafe

Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, un-fold me
I am small, I'm needy
Warm me up and breathe me

Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, un-fold me
I am small, I'm needy
Warm me up and breathe me


Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Baby Girl: 1987 - 2005

Baby Girl passed away today.

go into the light, little kitty in the sky

She lived a long, long, happy and adventurous life of nearly 18 years. Due to complications of breast cancer, it became necessary for euthanasia today. Allowing common sense and intuition to guide us, we trusted Baby Girl to let us know if it was time for euthanasia or if she would prefer to die on her own. That sounds weird, but some of you will know what I mean.

In the last couple of days her efforts changed from being okay to obvious endurance of pain. We had decided that we would at least wait until she stopped eating, which would be the most practical sign of her being done here. She hadn't eaten since last Thursday.

Cyprus made the difficult decision today, took the day off, and comforted Baby Girl through her last moments.


A.K.A: Baby Gorilla, Boobie Goog

Monday, February 07, 2005

Day # 5 of the Carlos Fast

I don't even care at this point if I seem like a wimp; I am seriously annoyed, frustrated, and anxious in the wake of Carlos being gone. It is day 5. I have 4 more to go. I consider this my "hump" day. It's not the separation that is the problem; it's the absolute lack of contact. I don't know if he is okay; what his trip is like; what kind of fun or sadness he is experiencing. Does he even miss ME?

I said this before, but I will say it again: this feels the same way that it does when someone dies. Just GONE. All I see is the last glimpse of him as my Air Train pulled me away from him in the terminal... It's all I have left right now.

I know I am moaning about this in my journal here, but I am keeping myself in check in my daily life. I occasionally comment playfully that I miss Carlos, and some of my friends definitely see a distance in me, but for the most part, I am just walking through the day managing my emotions like a big boy.

Some people think it's a sign of weakness to be attached to someone like this, but I totally disagree. It takes strength to crave and to love this much. It's way easier to act like you don't care; or to genuinely not care at all. When you CARE, when you allow a part of you to BE WITH/IN another person, then you FEEL that taffy-like pull when you are apart.

I do think there is a balance that is possible. For instance, it's possible to develop that kind of attachment and to feel that pull of distance without it feeling painful. I think the key is TRUST.

I don't have that in me very often. I don't trust people very freely. I especially don't trust my most intimate circle of friends, and ESPECIALLY don't trust a boyfriend. Those statements may seem odd or even bewildering, coming from me; particularly if you are one of my good friends or a boyfriend, but I'm not talking about the daily, easy kind of trust. I DO trust my friends and my boyfriend. I always choose to trust, even when I am afraid, but I am talking about the deep, deep sense of safety that is timeless and unthreatened. I am always assuming I will eventually be rejected, replaced, or outgrown, so I only allow myself to get pressed all the way up against the circle of trust,... and then I just STOP.

I have never passed into the peace I know is possible on the outside of that circle.


People keep saying, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." Bullshit. It makes my heart struggle against numbness. This reminds me of Bjork's song, UNRAVEL:

while you are away
my heart comes undone
slowly unravels
in a ball of yarn

the devil collects it
with a grin
our love
in a ball of yarn

he'll never return it

so when you come back
we'll have to make new love

MP3 Format
Click to PLAY or Right-Click to SAVE AS...

In order for me to be "mature" and not seem like a blathering loser, I have to exist at two levels during Carlos' absence. I honor (if you can call it that) the "lower level" of me that believes Carlos doesn't care enough to find a way to contact me and I let that part of me run a bit rampant with horrible, worse-case scenarios of his cheating on me, realizing he doesn't really want to be my boyfriend, and the only anxiety he feels is in how he is going to break the news to me when he returns. Yeah, I go that far in my worse-case visions. On Starting Over (God, I LOVE that show! Now that's Old Soul television) they call it "awful-izing." On the other hand, I do consciously make an effort to exist on the "higher level" of myself, which is the part of me who is practicing trust, keeping things in perspective, not "awful-izing", knows that if Carlos could reach me, he would, knows that Carlos hasn't any intentions of rejecting or dissin' me, and that my reaction to his absence is based on my history, not my present.

So there's this strange, gentle battle inside of me that is the battle between aliveness/trust versus numbness/apathy. In order for me to remain in check, I have to either honor my fears and feelings, let them out, surface, examine them, and then heal them, or I have to numb myself. Numbness makes people much more comfortable and gains acceptance so much faster than honoring my feelings. It's very tempting to just say, Fuck It, accept defeat, and expect the worse, but tell no one of this resignation. Then it would be my dirty secret that I have succumbed to the fact that I am terribly unlovable and that in the end I will just be rejected again. I would look "strong", no one would have to listen to me whine, and everyone would be superficially happy without my being inconvenient.

But then... I don't work like that.

I WANT to grow. I want to Love. I WANT to trust. I'm not giving in. It's very hard for me to protect other people from the truth of themselves; it's kind of what I do for a living. So it makes no sense for me to be ignorant to my own truths. I am wounded. It sucks, but it's true. So what. Who isn't. It's not fair to Carlos, my friends, or myself to numb myself to my history, to my healing.

In the short time I have dated Carlos, some little issues have surfaced that I know I was close to having completely resolved before I met him. The dynamic we share has allowed me to experience the resurfacing of those wounds and experience closure; a final healing. I can just feel I was DONE with them.

I believe I am experiencing this again. In my experience of Carlos' absence, I will have the opportunity to learn something different about my worth, about my ability to trust. I fuckin' hope I do, at least, because he leaves AGAIN for Rome a few weeks later!!!


And on that note...






CLICK TO PLAY or Right-Click to Download and SAVE AS...


So Taren wrote me to inform me that since January 25th I have mentioned Carlos' name 39 times and her name only 3 times.

I will have to make it up to her with a few smacks on the ass and a dancing jackhammer to her mud flaps... that'll hush 'er up!

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Operation: Catch-Up Distraction Effort

Well, I thought I would take my mind off of missing Carlos (yeah, right) by posting some pictures that were bumped from being posted earlier because of the fire and other pressing matters.

Ugghh!!! I MISS YOU, CARLOS!!!!
It's day three and still no word from him...


The actual morning of the fire was the morning after the night of Nick's little birthday gathering. It was such a pleasant, playful night! I made two delicious vegan cakes! SPECIAL TIP for those vegan fans out there: Duncan Hines is VEGAN!! YAY!! Most of them, at least. Just check the ingredients, but most of their line is Vegan. Just use Egg Replacer, which can be purchased at most health food stores!

Red Velvet & Double Fudge & Nick about to Blow

Chillin' and Chattin'

Next set of pictures are from our ALL HAIL Aquarii Gathering at East of Eighth for Hedda Lettuce's show! God, that night was FUN!! Hedda is GODDESS!! This was my first night out since I have been sick, so I was SO ready to enjoy myself. Of course, I was still aching and illin', but not enough to continue my incapacitation. I think I looked pretty healthy, right? Or just corny.

Cocktails & Corniness
Lystra & Westley

Cyprus, Jeffrey, & Nick
(notice the Origami Flowers that Carlos made for the Aquarian boys!)

Josh & Jeffrey

Cyprus & Nick Jeffrey & Troy

Nick & Vanessa

Carlos was a major focus that night from several of my friends because it was their first night meeting him. Carlos was thoroughly interrogated by them. Consensus? I think everyone loves Carlos WAY more than they even love me! d'OH!!

Sarah & Taren & Fabio

What's a night out with Taren's ass being featured

Hedda (as Steve) hangin' out with us as his sanctuary after the show

Sarah being fingered & Josh waiting his turn

Sarah's Close Call
(I will just let this one be a memory for those involved)

One of my last night's out with Carlos was meeting with Don and Linda spontaneously for a gift Cocktail from Don during Happy Hour at Barracuda. Don thought I could use a break after the fire. THANKS, DON! Linda is a co-worker in the antique store Don manages, so it was really nice to meet her. She was super cute and sweet, and an opera singer, to boot!

Linda & Don & Cocktail