I got an email from Carlos!
You would think that would send me into elation, but no. I have twisted and distorted it in more ways than a Cirque de Soleil contortionist could ever dream.
It was a mass email (which I understand, of course), and he raved about how happy he is, how busy he is, how much he has been doing, how much he has been laughing, and how much his life has changed, how much he has learned about himself (he says, "both good and bad")...
Shouldn't I be happy he is so alive, safe, and exuberant? Well, I ammmm...
BUT
Now all I wonder is what it means that he can have such an extraordinary time and probably not even miss me or remember I exist, and what it means that he has learned "both good and bad" things about himself. Yeah, I am taking that to mean I'm a goner and that he cheated on me.
Welcome to NEEDSVILLE. Hi, I am President Loser and I would love to have you sit with me at the Dining Table of Insecurity! Come on... it'll be FUN!
LOL! Carlos, I know you will be reading this upon your return home. I sure hope you do love your crazy loon of a boyfriend enough to just laugh this off and find empathy for my position. I'm learning as much about myself by your being on your trip, as you are about yourself. I hope the lessons and insights shared will benefit both of us tremendously.
At least I know Carlos is safe and happy. I am truly grateful for that.
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Later that day...
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1 comment:
Just seeing what you are up to while I'm wishing for my profile and thinking maybe there's a reason for me to be struggling with it on my own for a while longer...
When lo and behold, your recent postings help me put some perspective on my own grand dining table of insecurity. I'm in a long-term relationship and have every reason to trust... but we are both having personal/spiritual growing pains right now, and we are very different people. During stressful times I tend to want more physical contact and intimacy and reassurance, while she tends to become completely (excessively?) self-contained and impatient with all things emotional/physical.
A glimpse of your struggle with the lower and higher aspects of yourself helps me to stay patient with our conflicting needs. Thank you for sharing.
Tara (7Paths baby)
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