Okay, I did it... and now, so will you have to do so! Just do it! And then use the COMMENTS link to share yours. I SAID DO IT!!! (pretty please)
|Your Porn Star Name is: Sour Pickle|
Yeah, I believe in reincarnation. I have spoken many times about how I don't truly fear death as much as I fear the experience of grieving the loss of my own experience of this unique life. God, I will miss it.
I can philosophize all day about the one commonality among everything living: Death.
That just doesn't prepare you for the aftershock of a near-death experience when you start to consider all of the tiny factors that went into saving your life.
I can say without this being over-dramatic that Cyprus and I came very close to dying last night/this morning. 30 seconds and a mini-fire extinguisher saved our lives today.
Our home was on fire in the early hours while we were asleep:
Just before 5 am, Cyprus burst through my bedroom door and screamed that our apartment was in flames. Cyprus can be dramatic, so some tiny party of my just-wrenched-from-sleep mind thought, okayyy, okayyy... Until I saw that my open bedroom door was glowing BRIGHT, shifting orange and I heard the loud crackling and popping!
I flew from my loft bed, down the ladder and into the living room. I just couldn't believe my eyes. Half of the entire doorway between the living room and dining room was in flames; about 7 feet of fire.
I do not know HOW we remained so calm, but I have been in threatening situations before and have been startled by my ability to think clearly, even if I am disengaged from the intelligence of my body. It's like I go completely into a mode that KNOWS what to do, even while I feel like a disengaged observer.
Cyprus was in that mode at that moment.
I truly believe that it is because of her, ultimately, that we are alive.
I sleep with my bedroom door closed. I would never have known the living room was on fire. Cyprus usually dismisses any unusual sounds and lights because she would rather just roll back over and go to sleep. Something in her made her get up... Just to check.
I was standing by the flames, thinking for what seemed an eternity, but it was only seconds. Within those seconds, Cyprus had already grabbed the mini-fire extinguisher from the kitchen and gave it to me. The fucking pull-tab (or whatever it was) would NOT come loose!
The flames were growing and spreading SO FAST and I couldn't see or figure out why the tab wouldn't work. God, the sound of that crackling and the heat! The mini-extinguisher is over 7 years old, or even older, because we don't even remember where we got it or how we got it. We are lucky it worked at all.
When I got the extinguisher to work, I methodically sprayed down the fire. I don't know how I knew what to do because I wasn't just spraying and flailing... I actually, specifically, sprayed key areas and the flames dissipated really quickly (relatively speaking).
30 seconds to 1 minute later, and no extinguisher,... our entire couch and walls would have been on fire. I will never take for granted the preventive measures we can add in our life.
Yes, I did it. I went there. It's not the first time, of course, but it was my first time while in love. It makes it look completely different now...
I went to NEW JERSEY! YAY!
Today at 7:41pm I will turn 37 years old. It's just so bizarre and exciting getting older. It's like being in a funhouse and you never know what's going to happen next. I know the worst or the best is always possible and I know my choices contribute to which direction my path goes, so LIVING and getting older is like one big game of Tetris to me! Keep my conscious clear, assess the patterns quickly, make my choices without regret, and continue to do so, even if you make some mistakes. It's never too late to clear the space for continual building.
Thank you, Soul, for this life. It continues to be a most compelling adventure!
Thank you to all of my friends, clients, students, and loved ones.
YAY!! What will this year bring!!??
As you may know, Carlos and I are experimenting with entering our dreams using the symbol of our roller skating to each other and trying to find each other at night on the Astral Plane. It's just for fun, but the results are turning out to be quite interesting!
Carlos just filled me in on his first dream remembered with me in it!
He dreamt that we were at a Korean market and there were kittens for sale. I instructed him to go choose a kitten and pay for it. As he went to do so, he started realizing the kittens were actually being sold for food. He began to be overwhelmed with the thought that I had decided I wanted to eat "Chinese" since I hadn't had it in a long time, and so I was breaking down and having him buy us a kitten to eat. He remembers seeing me waiting and smiling at him as he paid for the kitten. By the time he got to me, he was crying very hard about the situation. I said to him to just get to the car with me.
Upon arriving at the car, two little girls were in the back seat and I handed them the kitten. I then comforted Carlos, explaining that we were RESCUING the kitten, not planning to eat it!
This dream seems directly related to his exposure to my feelings about animal rights and veganism, equating his love for kittens as a way to make that connection to other animals who are just as precious as a kitten, but being used for food every day.
ESTHERO returns with a call to arms for a musical revolution! It's time to stop having our musical diet dictated by hamburger commercials and mindlessness. This is a very impressive return of Esthero! I can't wait for the album!
Sighhhh... Esthero brings back so many memories...
Turn on your speakers and let this first single from their new album play for you… the lyrics are right there for you when you enter.
Some other sound samples…
All is VERY well in Lovesville. Carlos and I are unwaveringly comfortable with our rather surprising, magickal resonance and love for one another. And yeah, it's Love. No question. It's a conclusive feeling of absolute embrace that must extend from across many lifetimes, because it makes no sense to have this kind of profound peace so suddenly. I don't know, maybe it's just our level of maturity is matched so perfectly, or maybe we are both just such big kids that conventional "safe" thinking makes less sense to us than spontaneous, playful love? I don't know. But I am inclined to think that this is a combination of all of the above.
The other night, Carlos came over for our first real time together alone as boyfriends. We are both such social people, our dates have all included groups of some size. That's one of the things I LOVE about our compatibility. He's as social as I am, and in fact, while we have been out, it is INEVITABLE that he hears a shout of his name from somewhere in the distance as one of his little pals are so thrilled to see him! I'm as impressed as I am envious! He's so unassuming and modest and my life seemed so bustling, but then he startles me with this highly active social position within his own circle. It's so CUTE!!
Because I am sick, he has been totally accommodating to me and patient. Our date alone watching movies, talking, watching tv, talking, watching videos, talking was just what we needed. Just plenty of time to BE. To Be with one another and bask. After a long, long night that seemed far too short, I walked him to the subway in the diamond dust of snow falling silently in the still, early morning. It's the little things like that snow that will always remind me of these moments with Carlos that seem such a gift.
SICK OF IT:
Well, I mentioned that I am sick. Yeah, I got the Flu. But guess what? I didn't JUST get the Flu, noooooo; I had to go and develop SHINGLES! What is Shingles, you ask? IT IS EVIL INCARNATE! That's what it is! Shingles is a resurfacing of the dormant virus that is responsible for Chickenpox in your early life. 20% of every person who has had Chickenpox will develop Shingles. It's like a second Immune System Boost. Shingles is EVIL because the virus attacks SPECIFICALLY the nerves responsible for sending PAIN signals to your brain. So, you are constantly in a state of feeling electrocuted in your spine to the point of causing you to gasp, convulse, and see stars! Oh, and that's not all... it leaves GHASTLY blistering, welts all across your body. Some people get Shingles in awful places like across their face or in their eyes or ears. I cannot IMAGINE that horror!
Me, I got the classic attack. My wounding was all around the right side of my waist. It started in the back, right at the base of my spine. It starts out as red blistering, very light, and then spreads drastically, eventually turning blackened, purple and as ugly as you can imagine. I look like I was hit with a shotgun blast across the base of my back. The front is all across my pubic line and then some spreading between the front and back, meeting around that side of my waist.
But I was lucky.
Within hours of noticing symptoms, one of Cyprus' clients responded to Cyprus telling her about my condition and knew immediately that I had Shingles. I looked it up, read about the symptoms, and she was totally right. I can't afford to go to a doctor, so I immediately contacted my little channeling community and asked if anyone knew of this disease and how to tend to it. I even asked Michael about it (more on that in a minute). The response was amazing.
Very educated people responded with two distinct stories of their experiences. One type of experience was with those who went the conventional medical route of treatment. I had already read the details of what little medicine can do for Shingles, so it didn't surprise me that those who chose a mainstream doctor are the ones who not only suffered far more and much longer, but they were left with scarring. Those who chose alternative methods of treatment had reduced symptoms and complete recovery in a short time.
I immediately went out to purchase the things I needed for this bizarre attack on my system: Reishi Mushroom capsules (immune booster and antiviral), Olive Leaf Extract capsules (immune booster and antiviral), Ester-C (1000mg - major immune booster), Valerian Root capsules (to soothe the attack on the nerve endings), and I combined this with the use of Aleve and some Aveeno cream with hydrocortisone. I popped those pills about 4 at a time (each) about 3 times a day, and drank lots of water and juice. I had very little appetite. Within about 48 hours, the pain had nearly, completely subsided. Everything became completely manageable. For a disease that has a classic minimal attack of 4 weeks to 4 months, mine is nearly gone within 2 weeks!
Now, one more part of the equation to my healing, I believe, was in my addressing the metaphysical elements of what would activate such a thing in me. Most people think a disease happens TO you, but I totally believe that diseases happen FROM you, as in: they are physical reflections of beliefs, worries, anxieties, fears that you have not managed to deal with while they were Intellectual or Emotional. Once a belief or fear has become entrenched emotionally or intellectually, it WILL then move to the Physical as yet another opportunity for address.
I asked Michael what Shingles may mean. They said that Shingles is a manifestation of a deeply rooted assumption that something you expect or have that is GOOD will be obstructed, violated, or ultimately taken away. It's basically a belief that you ultimately CAN'T HAVE that which will ultimately make you happy.
Now, consider that this attack came RIGHT after my meeting Carlos; a profound gift of love into my life! A healthy, loving, intimate, long-term relationship is like the ONE THING that I ultimately KNOW is possible, yet it has always been just out of reach, or I have been taunted with the prospect and then had the rug pulled out from under me.
It's weird, because even though this relationship with Carlos makes no logical sense and could very well be ripped away from me at any second, I am only vaguely concerned about those things. A deep peace thrives in this relationship and I am so, so relieved of about 90% of my usual fears and anxieties. I think that peace is precisely why I generated Shingles. It's one last look at the interferences that I believe will arise to wedge themselves between me and True Love.
Once I "got it", I started processing the feelings around that root assumption about my life, and I felt this pattern in me changing, letting go, trusting. It's like, I feel complete and whole on my own, with or without the fantasy, intimate relationship, so my having this with Carlos is a BONUS, not a necessity to protect!
In recognizing and releasing those patterns in my body, I also released the hold that Shingles had on my body. I don't know if all of that is "true", but however connected or unrelated my beliefs may have been to my illness, I am better off with my freeing myself from those fears anyway.
I dreamt of being agitated while staying in this house that seemed to be a main house on a large plot of land. There was a smaller house off to the side and back. I decided I wanted to privacy and went to go into that smaller house. I remember feeling as if this was all some kind of church setup, with a church house and then a little house nearby. As I walked up to the little house, I was struck by the fact that it was glowing bright ultraviolet as if the porch had fluorescent black lights. I came inside and was getting comfortable, taking off my coat, when I just KNEW someone else was in the house. I peeked through the crevice in the door to see down the hall and into a piano room of some sort, and there was a man in there, just sitting. I got scared, but I braved myself down the hall and calmly asked him what he was doing there. He explained that he had been given a key to use the place at his leisure to practice music and to just get away. I was partially annoyed that I was not alone, but I was also kind of glad to have someone there who felt similarly. I know there was more, but I can't remember it.
Another dream was about my moving into a new house that was actually very old and big. People were around the outside, all bustling, chatting, as we waited for the movers to arrive. I was standing in the living room alone and could hear everyone outside. Suddenly, I saw a face protrude from the wall. I stared at it for a second and squinted, but it was gone. I walked up to the wall and placed my hand flatly against it. I was about to press my ear to the wall, when I instinctively looked up. Hovering out of the wall above me were several faces, very vague, but distinctly there. I put my other hand flat on the wall and looked up, which seemed to completely clear the vision as I was now seeing many faces shifting and jutting out of the wall! I walked my hands along the wall and kept looking up and as I moved, more faces would arch out of the wall. I was about to yell out to others because I was almost to the front door anyway, and suddenly I was lifted into the air rather harshly! I grabbed hold of the top of the front door and my legs flipped up behind me as I was continued to be pulled. The ceilings in this house were at least 15 feet high, so I was hanging onto the door with my feet almost pulled to the ceiling. I was then just hovering like that, gently, but firmly. I wanted to yell out, but I couldn't! I heard police sirens woop and beep that weird half-woop-half-beep thing as they pulled up. I could hear them coming up on the porch and saying that they were getting calls reporting that someone was screaming from our house windows at the neighbors. They asked if they could look around and as they neared the front door where I was hovering, I was dropped rather quickly back down to the floor, but not harmfully. I landed on my feet and I was out of breath. The police looked at me strangely through the screen door and asked about the screaming, and I just wanted to laugh because I was so completely shocked by everything that had just happened and with the fact that I couldn't just explain it. That's all I remember.
Carlos and I have started to experiment with meeting each other in Dreamland, or the Astral Plane, while we sleep. It's just for fun and who knows, it's worked for me before! It's an amazing experience.
We created a symbolic entry into our dreams, something we both look forward to doing together, which is Roller Skating. We imagine we are Roller Skating to get to one another as we fall asleep.
First night, we both had bad dreams. His was vague, but he knew it was scary and involved Zombies. Mine was vivid and involved Carlos and I having our first sexual exploration. We were both so hard that it was almost painful. I was trying to please him, but he was saying politely that I was kind of hurting him. He finished and courteously left. I was annoyed and then intent on finishing myself. So then Taren walks in. I embarrassingly told her I wanted to finish and she said, Go Ahead, I Won't Peek! She pulled the blankets up to her eyes after she climbed into the bed. I was sitting at the foot of the bed. I actually considered doing it, but then I realized that a neighbor (on the other side of some French Doors -- you know how dreams are) was actually in his bed and could see me. I was getting exasperated. The neighbor guy got up and I knew he was now coming to my room. He came in all lumbering and talking to Taren and me. In Waking Life, I know the guy as one of my Haters from within the Michael Community online; someone I have never met. He finally left and I was trying to fix a giant plant in a pot that he seemed to have knocked over a bit. It was getting late, so I went to turn up the lights. That's when I realized that the guy had actually stolen nearly all of my lightbulbs! The next thing I know I am outside looking up at my room and I see Nick is now masturbating. I was shocked and thought he must not know that people can see him doing it! I rushed up the stairs of the building to try to intervene, but as I reached my floor, he was leaving. I asked if he had masturbated and he said yeah, he was finished. I just couldn't believe it! Everyone was getting something in my dream, except for me! I couldn't even please myself!
Okay, so last night, the only thing I remember was Carlos and I walking across some grassy land near a shore, some trees were between us and the ocean and we we giggling and making plans for later that evening. I noticed a wave crashing HARD up into the trees and then the water just kept coming! It's force was terribly strong even as it was only shin-deep and rising! I was near my home, which was a kind of trailer, and I screamed for my dogs to get near me and to get inside. The rush of the water was so strong that Carlos was separated from me, but because we were so surprised and had no idea how bad this was going to get, we both shouted that we would see each other later. I got inside the trailer and one dog was in, but not the other, Spyder. I had to go back out into the deep, rushing water and carry her back. I don't know how I did it, because the current was powerful. I saw Carlos washing away through the trees and even then I kept thinking he would be okay. The last thing I remember was realizing my Mom was the other person in the trailer and as the water raised, the trailer lost its foundation and started to shift... the rest was not so much my dream, but that half-wake thing that you sometimes do as you ponder your dream. I kept imagining how the trailer would have eventually begun to move and it would not have floated, but would have immediately toppled and sunk into the current. I wondered how I could ever save my dogs in that kind of situation.
So my theory is that these intentions for Carlos and I to meet each other on the Astral Plane are first being met with symbolic obstacles that we are facing in the process of our growing union.
The symbolism to me is just so obvious.
I will keep this journal updated with the results of our journey!