Monday, January 31, 2005

What the...!!??

Okay, I did it... and now, so will you have to do so! Just do it! And then use the COMMENTS link to share yours. I SAID DO IT!!! (pretty please)

Your Porn Star Name is: Sour Pickle

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Our Last Night On Earth

Yeah, I believe in reincarnation. I have spoken many times about how I don't truly fear death as much as I fear the experience of grieving the loss of my own experience of this unique life. God, I will miss it.

I can philosophize all day about the one commonality among everything living: Death.

That just doesn't prepare you for the aftershock of a near-death experience when you start to consider all of the tiny factors that went into saving your life.

I can say without this being over-dramatic that Cyprus and I came very close to dying last night/this morning. 30 seconds and a mini-fire extinguisher saved our lives today.

Our home was on fire in the early hours while we were asleep:

Just before 5 am, Cyprus burst through my bedroom door and screamed that our apartment was in flames. Cyprus can be dramatic, so some tiny party of my just-wrenched-from-sleep mind thought, okayyy, okayyy... Until I saw that my open bedroom door was glowing BRIGHT, shifting orange and I heard the loud crackling and popping!

I flew from my loft bed, down the ladder and into the living room. I just couldn't believe my eyes. Half of the entire doorway between the living room and dining room was in flames; about 7 feet of fire.

I do not know HOW we remained so calm, but I have been in threatening situations before and have been startled by my ability to think clearly, even if I am disengaged from the intelligence of my body. It's like I go completely into a mode that KNOWS what to do, even while I feel like a disengaged observer.

Cyprus was in that mode at that moment.

I truly believe that it is because of her, ultimately, that we are alive.

I sleep with my bedroom door closed. I would never have known the living room was on fire. Cyprus usually dismisses any unusual sounds and lights because she would rather just roll back over and go to sleep. Something in her made her get up... Just to check.

I was standing by the flames, thinking for what seemed an eternity, but it was only seconds. Within those seconds, Cyprus had already grabbed the mini-fire extinguisher from the kitchen and gave it to me. The fucking pull-tab (or whatever it was) would NOT come loose!

The flames were growing and spreading SO FAST and I couldn't see or figure out why the tab wouldn't work. God, the sound of that crackling and the heat! The mini-extinguisher is over 7 years old, or even older, because we don't even remember where we got it or how we got it. We are lucky it worked at all.

When I got the extinguisher to work, I methodically sprayed down the fire. I don't know how I knew what to do because I wasn't just spraying and flailing... I actually, specifically, sprayed key areas and the flames dissipated really quickly (relatively speaking).

30 seconds to 1 minute later, and no extinguisher,... our entire couch and walls would have been on fire. I will never take for granted the preventive measures we can add in our life.

This is the bird-feeder lantern we had hanging above the couch decoratively. It was completely ablaze. After extinguishing it, I unhooked it and took it to the shower to spray down. It was glowing orange, still crackling.

After an hour of sitting, cleaning, and pondering all the good and bad things that did or could have happened, Cyprus noticed the inside of the blue chair was releasing smoke... she sliced into the material and found that the INSIDE of the chair was still on fire! Smoldering and glowing red was the thick, ancient rubber-foam inside! We both began slicing and pouring water on it, eventually freeing the rubber/foam and getting it to the bathtub. After thoroughly putting out that secondary fire, we continued to clean up and air out the apartment.

Our walls are blackened, blistered and severely damaged.

After-shadow from the extinguisher chemicals on the pillow that was on fire.

It was a bizarre experience to consider what may easily have been our last night on earth. We would have missed everyone so much...

Don't get me wrong... I know how lucky we were/are,... how much worse this could have been. I live with a heart full of gratitude, but today I am especially grateful...

Thursday, January 27, 2005

To Another World and Back

Yes, I did it. I went there. It's not the first time, of course, but it was my first time while in love. It makes it look completely different now...

I went to NEW JERSEY! YAY!

Satellite of Jersey City and surrounding area

Yep, the home of Boyfriend is Jersey City, New Jersey. A most recent date of Cyprus' is also from New Jersey. The guy is apparently turning out to be pretty wonderful! So, has this been Jersey's best-kept secret all of these years? Are they hoarding all of the true hotties and meaningful love potentials? Good Lord... Whodathunkit?

So even though I am still pretty achy and recovering, I found myself eagerly making my first steps into Carlos' World. He has found his way to me in more ways than just traveling, so I at least needed to make my efforts to balance the load of traveling. I don't know if it was Love, good instructions, or excellent transportation systems, but getting there was nothing. It was gentle, easy, and very direct.

I found my way to Carlos' door and into his apartment; a discreet, quaint, simple, unassuming small palace containing one of the most beautiful souls on earth. Graced with practicality and efficiency, his home was warm, welcoming, and as inviting as his arms. Because of the timing of my arrival, I got the luxury of accidentally surprising him before his leap into the shower... sigghhhh... such a beautiful creature, towel-wrapped and giddy.

Our night led to a long walk around his neighborhood with playful banter and important talk. I got to see one of a few breathtaking views of Manhattan from a snow-crusted park near his home. Silent and glittering, it is always fascinating for me to see New York City from a distance. It generates this awe in me that is as fulfilling as it is frustrating. It reminds me of my being in love,... as I am with Carlos. That feeling of being one person divided by skin. Knowing you have to experience the dance individually, but feeling the aching to be completely one. I feel that way about two things now: New York City and Carlos. I love living IN NYC and in my relationship with Carlos,... as much as I love appreciating its beauty and enormity from a distance.

Despite my love and constant celebration of my fresh and ancient relationship with Carlos, I still have old wounds to work through. I still grieve Nick. I still fear the surrender and complete acceptance. I still resist absolute trust. It's faint, but enough so that I find it helpful to talk about it openly with Carlos. We are both in synch with so much of our inner and outer Being that, at first, we both shared in those fears and insecurities. Suddenly, at one point, Carlos stopped exhibiting any signs of doubt, fear, worry. I still struggle; only a little, but enough.

My favorite conversation of the night (paraphrased):

Troy: "...but do you ever doubt? Doubt us? Me?"
Carlos: "No. I went through that at first, but not anymore."
Troy: "But why? How do you feel so certain?"
Carlos: "Because of you."
Troy: "You help me work though my insecurities and doubts, too, but it hasn't clicked completely yet. How did you get over it so fast?"
Carlos: "Because when I think about what I want from a relationship; from a guy, I have always found pieces of that in other guys. Then I would justify or ignore the rest that didn't fit or was negative. I would focus on the good parts and just make excuses for all the rest. After a while with you, I realized that there was only the good; only everything I wanted. Once I realized this, I was done doubting. I was yours. It can't get better than this; than you."
Troy: [is then revived from a snow pile after passing out from the overwhelming moment of love]

I fell in love with him all over again that night.

As I do every night.

The rest of the long evening was spent being playful, eating fast food, plastic-coating his drafty windows, and playing Simpson's: Road Rage! WHAT A FUN GAME!!! (I won)

[sick of] LOVE

Okay, Okay, I know a lot of you are probably sick to death of my ooo-ing and ahhh-ing over Carlos and my relationship, but hey,... seriously, enjoy it. If you find other people's expression and celebration of love to be annoying, boring, or tiring, I feel for you. It's like listening to someone talk about how much money he spent shopping that day when you have very little money.

But Love is not the same as Money. Love is in your life whether you accept it or not; whether it is in the shape you demand or not. Love is vital in a human's life and you would not be alive without it. Somehow, somewhere, someone LOVES you. In the true sense of the word.

Most of us wait for a perfected, intimate relationship to magically make us feel loved. But what most don't realize is that the doorway in your life for such a relationship is created from the acknowledgement of the love you ALREADY HAVE.

Yeah, I still distrust. I still denigrate myself instead of accepting Love from every source, sometimes severely, most of the time secretly and unconsciously. But I have worked on it. I have to CONSCIOUSLY and with EFFORT choose Love when the voices of protection inside of me tell me that it's not safe or that I will be wounded again.

I have to choose Love.

Even in the midst of my doubt, fear, and grief, I assume those parts are all a part of Love. They are just the parts of me who forgot the possibilities, the parts who went numb, or the parts who equated love with pain. When I assume my distrust, denigration, and doubt are all INSIDE the experience of accepting Love, I then listen to those parts of me and I soothe them. I educate myself. I say that it is okay, but let's try something different this time. Just to see...

Just to see...

And eventually I will get there.

And so will you, if you are not there already.


I haven't remembered my dreams the past couple of nights, but Carlos did.

He dreamt that Taren, He, and I were in a completely different apartment that was his home. We were having an excellent time just being silly and fun. He remembered the apartment was high in the sky, so much so that the clouds were passing by the windows and he felt he could reach out and touch them if he could reach through the windows. At some point his Ex showed up with a few friends. His Ex was on good behavior, but the dynamic of the group changed, even though we continued to have fun. Eventually, his Ex made a snide comment about something to which Carlos simply, gracefully laughed it off, letting it go. Again his Ex made another comment, to which Carlos then commented that it was inappropriate. This continued to escalate to the point where Carlos suddenly punched his Ex in the stomach! His Ex fell to the floor and Carlos apologized, but said that it was important for the Ex to keep himself in check. The Ex got up after this and the rest of the time he behaved himself and all was well.

We thought this was a very interesting dream, especially in light of our discussion about doubtful, interfering voices. Carlos' Ex was that symbolic voice and Carlos played out his patience and then his conclusive stance to keep that doubt in check, transforming it into a pleasant acquaintance, instead of as a nuisance and interruption.


Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Write Your Review/Rating!

I wonder if anyone has seen the teensy link in the sidebar that allows you to rate/write a review of SugarHiccup-Hiccup... if you haven't seen it, just follow this link and be nice!

RATE/REVIEW at Blogarama!

Twin Souls, Twin Peaks, and The Snow!

And the snow begins... and continues...

Snowbound and some Super Cool Boys in Love!

I LOVE it when it snows! Yes, it is inconvenient and so is a lot of what is natural to our world outside of the concept of "convenient", but my god, Snow is just beautiful! It is such a unique form of weather! Well, maybe not UNIQUE, but it is about the only form of weather that silently transforms our neighborhoods and holidays into cocoons to remind us of inner things.

Well, at least that's the way I look at it.

Walking in the freezing cold, the snow, the crunching, blowing, snotting,... was made all the more exciting and warm with Carlos. He actually STAYED THE NIGHT WITH ME as the Blizzard began to hit! YOWZA!

Of course, this stayover was wonderful for two reasons:

Embarrassingly, I have not really SLEPT with and just held a boyfriend or had a boyfriend just jold me in FOREVER! I was scared to death of entering that type of intimacy again. It is amazing how differently you begin to sleep when you sleep alone. I found I flailed more, sprawled more, and slept in my crazy, sporadic way... and yeesh, let's be frank... I can't be the only one who just freely farts when alone, can I? So I was terrified I would forget Carlos was with me and just fart-blow him right out of the loft! So the first reason this experience was wonderful was because it went PERFECTLY!! Total comfort, reunion, peaceful sleep, giggling, late chatting, and lots and lots of snuggling (okay, and some makin' out - YAY!!)

The other reason this was so wonderful was because I am still sick and not quite "available", if you know what I mean... normally, this pressure would be so uncomfortable to endure. Not with Carlos. I was made to feel healed on levels beyond my current ailments through Carlos' compassionate acceptance of my body being all busted up, and through Carlos' genuine expression that he was just happy to be sleeping with me.

Carlos is patiently teaching me to KNIT! WOO HOO! I learned how to crochet long before it became so "in," but I never learned how to knit. Now that I am learning, I see it is nearly the same concept, but with more tools and techniques. I am so psyched to make some very cool things. Of course, I am looking at making this giant, beautiful poncho for Cyprus, and Carlos just looks at me and reminds me to practice my "casting" and basic "stitches." I am so idealistic. I have wardrobes all planned out already in my head for several friends! I am going to have EVERYONE in crooked sweaters and cockeyed hats by next Christmas! I swear!

Nick, Cyprus, Carlos, Josh, and I started the Twin Peaks series marathon again! Cyprus and I do this about every two to three years and this time we are doing it on DVD! Wee Hoo! I have had the DVD set for about 5 years, but never watched it. I was so disappointed that the 2nd Season was never released on DVD, so I kept putting it off until they released it. Whatever. They suck. I also had to find the Pilot Episode very quickly because it is NOT included in the DVD set OR in the box set of VHS tapes I bought years ago that contains all episodes. It is absolutely retarded that they never included it. You also have to be very careful while watching the Pilot because you have to stop it in just the right spot for it to blend into the first episode, since the Pilot was released as a "movie" for European fans who would never see the series. David Lynch had to throw together a non-sensical ending just to appease a contractual obligation for the pilot's release abroad. This was to help ensure the ability to promote the pilot as a Movie, in case the series flopped.

Ahhh, but it was wonderful to see Josie, Shelley, Leo, Bobby, Nadine, Ed, Laura, Madeline, James, Leland, The Log Lady, Audrey,... god, EVERYONE from that series was incredible! I think it is a strange thing to have created a series that actually remains NEW and absolutely intriguing every time you watch it!

David Lynch is a master!

Carlos has a surprise date waiting for me Friday Night! I am UBER-excited and cannot wait to see what he has up his sleeve!

I had a low-key birthday. We are actually celebrating in full Thursday Night with huge gang of about 20 people gathering for cocktails and Hedda Lettuce! It's a group Aquarian party since there are so many of us we don't get our own days to celebrate anymore. D'oh!

Cyprus got me a very sweet and thoughtful gift of a lucite picture frame loaded with a card stating that it was a frame for "a picture of you & carlos." HOW thoughtful was THAT!!?? She got me a very cool button-up shirt from Urban Outfitters, my favorite clothing store EVER (so far), and another picture frame, silver and magnetized. The picture frame theme was because I am recently FINALLY taking time to print all of my photos onto photo paper, and I am so glad to have some frames now!

Carlos got me a CELL PHONE! NOT ONLY DID HE GET ME A CELL PHONE, but he got me the entire plan, too! I mean, he is just paying for ALL OF IT! MONTHLY!! Is that insanely romantic and wonderful OR WHAT!!!??? Not only that, but he actually TOOK THE DAY OFF FROM WORK to come over, surprise me, and spend the bulk of the day with me for my Birthday! I was floored. Completely floored by this act of love, trust, and commitment. Wow.

I swear, Carlos makes me re-believe in the cheesy, romantic concept of Soul Mate. I love him vastly.

I wish on the world a Carlos for everyone!

I had a dream that I was dating a girl who knew I was gay, but she didn't mind. But then I wanted to date a boy I fell in love with and things got a bit more complicated, especially when I realized I was already dating this other guy, too! Nothing dramatic happened, but there was a lot negotiation.

NOTE: Considering Nick and Cyprus are my Best Friends, and Carlos was surprisingly brought into the intimate circle, it makes sense that I would dream this.

Thursday, January 20, 2005


Today at 7:41pm I will turn 37 years old. It's just so bizarre and exciting getting older. It's like being in a funhouse and you never know what's going to happen next. I know the worst or the best is always possible and I know my choices contribute to which direction my path goes, so LIVING and getting older is like one big game of Tetris to me! Keep my conscious clear, assess the patterns quickly, make my choices without regret, and continue to do so, even if you make some mistakes. It's never too late to clear the space for continual building.

Thank you, Soul, for this life. It continues to be a most compelling adventure!

Thank you to all of my friends, clients, students, and loved ones.

YAY!! What will this year bring!!??


Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Roller Skates Away: Carlos Reporting In

As you may know, Carlos and I are experimenting with entering our dreams using the symbol of our roller skating to each other and trying to find each other at night on the Astral Plane. It's just for fun, but the results are turning out to be quite interesting!

Carlos just filled me in on his first dream remembered with me in it!

He dreamt that we were at a Korean market and there were kittens for sale. I instructed him to go choose a kitten and pay for it. As he went to do so, he started realizing the kittens were actually being sold for food. He began to be overwhelmed with the thought that I had decided I wanted to eat "Chinese" since I hadn't had it in a long time, and so I was breaking down and having him buy us a kitten to eat. He remembers seeing me waiting and smiling at him as he paid for the kitten. By the time he got to me, he was crying very hard about the situation. I said to him to just get to the car with me.

Upon arriving at the car, two little girls were in the back seat and I handed them the kitten. I then comforted Carlos, explaining that we were RESCUING the kitten, not planning to eat it!

End Dream

This dream seems directly related to his exposure to my feelings about animal rights and veganism, equating his love for kittens as a way to make that connection to other animals who are just as precious as a kitten, but being used for food every day.


Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Esthero RETURNS!!


ESTHERO returns with a call to arms for a musical revolution! It's time to stop having our musical diet dictated by hamburger commercials and mindlessness. This is a very impressive return of Esthero! I can't wait for the album!

Sighhhh... Esthero brings back so many memories...

Turn on your speakers and let this first single from their new album play for you… the lyrics are right there for you when you enter.

Some other sound samples…


Saturday, January 15, 2005

Diamond Dust, Sick Of Shingles, & Some Dreams


All is VERY well in Lovesville. Carlos and I are unwaveringly comfortable with our rather surprising, magickal resonance and love for one another. And yeah, it's Love. No question. It's a conclusive feeling of absolute embrace that must extend from across many lifetimes, because it makes no sense to have this kind of profound peace so suddenly. I don't know, maybe it's just our level of maturity is matched so perfectly, or maybe we are both just such big kids that conventional "safe" thinking makes less sense to us than spontaneous, playful love? I don't know. But I am inclined to think that this is a combination of all of the above.

The other night, Carlos came over for our first real time together alone as boyfriends. We are both such social people, our dates have all included groups of some size. That's one of the things I LOVE about our compatibility. He's as social as I am, and in fact, while we have been out, it is INEVITABLE that he hears a shout of his name from somewhere in the distance as one of his little pals are so thrilled to see him! I'm as impressed as I am envious! He's so unassuming and modest and my life seemed so bustling, but then he startles me with this highly active social position within his own circle. It's so CUTE!!

Because I am sick, he has been totally accommodating to me and patient. Our date alone watching movies, talking, watching tv, talking, watching videos, talking was just what we needed. Just plenty of time to BE. To Be with one another and bask. After a long, long night that seemed far too short, I walked him to the subway in the diamond dust of snow falling silently in the still, early morning. It's the little things like that snow that will always remind me of these moments with Carlos that seem such a gift.


Well, I mentioned that I am sick. Yeah, I got the Flu. But guess what? I didn't JUST get the Flu, noooooo; I had to go and develop SHINGLES! What is Shingles, you ask? IT IS EVIL INCARNATE! That's what it is! Shingles is a resurfacing of the dormant virus that is responsible for Chickenpox in your early life. 20% of every person who has had Chickenpox will develop Shingles. It's like a second Immune System Boost. Shingles is EVIL because the virus attacks SPECIFICALLY the nerves responsible for sending PAIN signals to your brain. So, you are constantly in a state of feeling electrocuted in your spine to the point of causing you to gasp, convulse, and see stars! Oh, and that's not all... it leaves GHASTLY blistering, welts all across your body. Some people get Shingles in awful places like across their face or in their eyes or ears. I cannot IMAGINE that horror!

Me, I got the classic attack. My wounding was all around the right side of my waist. It started in the back, right at the base of my spine. It starts out as red blistering, very light, and then spreads drastically, eventually turning blackened, purple and as ugly as you can imagine. I look like I was hit with a shotgun blast across the base of my back. The front is all across my pubic line and then some spreading between the front and back, meeting around that side of my waist.

But I was lucky.

Within hours of noticing symptoms, one of Cyprus' clients responded to Cyprus telling her about my condition and knew immediately that I had Shingles. I looked it up, read about the symptoms, and she was totally right. I can't afford to go to a doctor, so I immediately contacted my little channeling community and asked if anyone knew of this disease and how to tend to it. I even asked Michael about it (more on that in a minute). The response was amazing.

Very educated people responded with two distinct stories of their experiences. One type of experience was with those who went the conventional medical route of treatment. I had already read the details of what little medicine can do for Shingles, so it didn't surprise me that those who chose a mainstream doctor are the ones who not only suffered far more and much longer, but they were left with scarring. Those who chose alternative methods of treatment had reduced symptoms and complete recovery in a short time.

I immediately went out to purchase the things I needed for this bizarre attack on my system: Reishi Mushroom capsules (immune booster and antiviral), Olive Leaf Extract capsules (immune booster and antiviral), Ester-C (1000mg - major immune booster), Valerian Root capsules (to soothe the attack on the nerve endings), and I combined this with the use of Aleve and some Aveeno cream with hydrocortisone. I popped those pills about 4 at a time (each) about 3 times a day, and drank lots of water and juice. I had very little appetite. Within about 48 hours, the pain had nearly, completely subsided. Everything became completely manageable. For a disease that has a classic minimal attack of 4 weeks to 4 months, mine is nearly gone within 2 weeks!

Now, one more part of the equation to my healing, I believe, was in my addressing the metaphysical elements of what would activate such a thing in me. Most people think a disease happens TO you, but I totally believe that diseases happen FROM you, as in: they are physical reflections of beliefs, worries, anxieties, fears that you have not managed to deal with while they were Intellectual or Emotional. Once a belief or fear has become entrenched emotionally or intellectually, it WILL then move to the Physical as yet another opportunity for address.

I asked Michael what Shingles may mean. They said that Shingles is a manifestation of a deeply rooted assumption that something you expect or have that is GOOD will be obstructed, violated, or ultimately taken away. It's basically a belief that you ultimately CAN'T HAVE that which will ultimately make you happy.

Now, consider that this attack came RIGHT after my meeting Carlos; a profound gift of love into my life! A healthy, loving, intimate, long-term relationship is like the ONE THING that I ultimately KNOW is possible, yet it has always been just out of reach, or I have been taunted with the prospect and then had the rug pulled out from under me.

It's weird, because even though this relationship with Carlos makes no logical sense and could very well be ripped away from me at any second, I am only vaguely concerned about those things. A deep peace thrives in this relationship and I am so, so relieved of about 90% of my usual fears and anxieties. I think that peace is precisely why I generated Shingles. It's one last look at the interferences that I believe will arise to wedge themselves between me and True Love.

Once I "got it", I started processing the feelings around that root assumption about my life, and I felt this pattern in me changing, letting go, trusting. It's like, I feel complete and whole on my own, with or without the fantasy, intimate relationship, so my having this with Carlos is a BONUS, not a necessity to protect!

In recognizing and releasing those patterns in my body, I also released the hold that Shingles had on my body. I don't know if all of that is "true", but however connected or unrelated my beliefs may have been to my illness, I am better off with my freeing myself from those fears anyway.


I dreamt of being agitated while staying in this house that seemed to be a main house on a large plot of land. There was a smaller house off to the side and back. I decided I wanted to privacy and went to go into that smaller house. I remember feeling as if this was all some kind of church setup, with a church house and then a little house nearby. As I walked up to the little house, I was struck by the fact that it was glowing bright ultraviolet as if the porch had fluorescent black lights. I came inside and was getting comfortable, taking off my coat, when I just KNEW someone else was in the house. I peeked through the crevice in the door to see down the hall and into a piano room of some sort, and there was a man in there, just sitting. I got scared, but I braved myself down the hall and calmly asked him what he was doing there. He explained that he had been given a key to use the place at his leisure to practice music and to just get away. I was partially annoyed that I was not alone, but I was also kind of glad to have someone there who felt similarly. I know there was more, but I can't remember it.

Another dream was about my moving into a new house that was actually very old and big. People were around the outside, all bustling, chatting, as we waited for the movers to arrive. I was standing in the living room alone and could hear everyone outside. Suddenly, I saw a face protrude from the wall. I stared at it for a second and squinted, but it was gone. I walked up to the wall and placed my hand flatly against it. I was about to press my ear to the wall, when I instinctively looked up. Hovering out of the wall above me were several faces, very vague, but distinctly there. I put my other hand flat on the wall and looked up, which seemed to completely clear the vision as I was now seeing many faces shifting and jutting out of the wall! I walked my hands along the wall and kept looking up and as I moved, more faces would arch out of the wall. I was about to yell out to others because I was almost to the front door anyway, and suddenly I was lifted into the air rather harshly! I grabbed hold of the top of the front door and my legs flipped up behind me as I was continued to be pulled. The ceilings in this house were at least 15 feet high, so I was hanging onto the door with my feet almost pulled to the ceiling. I was then just hovering like that, gently, but firmly. I wanted to yell out, but I couldn't! I heard police sirens woop and beep that weird half-woop-half-beep thing as they pulled up. I could hear them coming up on the porch and saying that they were getting calls reporting that someone was screaming from our house windows at the neighbors. They asked if they could look around and as they neared the front door where I was hovering, I was dropped rather quickly back down to the floor, but not harmfully. I landed on my feet and I was out of breath. The police looked at me strangely through the screen door and asked about the screaming, and I just wanted to laugh because I was so completely shocked by everything that had just happened and with the fact that I couldn't just explain it. That's all I remember.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

The Great Roller Skate Experiment: Entry One

Carlos and I have started to experiment with meeting each other in Dreamland, or the Astral Plane, while we sleep. It's just for fun and who knows, it's worked for me before! It's an amazing experience.

We created a symbolic entry into our dreams, something we both look forward to doing together, which is Roller Skating. We imagine we are Roller Skating to get to one another as we fall asleep.

First night, we both had bad dreams. His was vague, but he knew it was scary and involved Zombies. Mine was vivid and involved Carlos and I having our first sexual exploration. We were both so hard that it was almost painful. I was trying to please him, but he was saying politely that I was kind of hurting him. He finished and courteously left. I was annoyed and then intent on finishing myself. So then Taren walks in. I embarrassingly told her I wanted to finish and she said, Go Ahead, I Won't Peek! She pulled the blankets up to her eyes after she climbed into the bed. I was sitting at the foot of the bed. I actually considered doing it, but then I realized that a neighbor (on the other side of some French Doors -- you know how dreams are) was actually in his bed and could see me. I was getting exasperated. The neighbor guy got up and I knew he was now coming to my room. He came in all lumbering and talking to Taren and me. In Waking Life, I know the guy as one of my Haters from within the Michael Community online; someone I have never met. He finally left and I was trying to fix a giant plant in a pot that he seemed to have knocked over a bit. It was getting late, so I went to turn up the lights. That's when I realized that the guy had actually stolen nearly all of my lightbulbs! The next thing I know I am outside looking up at my room and I see Nick is now masturbating. I was shocked and thought he must not know that people can see him doing it! I rushed up the stairs of the building to try to intervene, but as I reached my floor, he was leaving. I asked if he had masturbated and he said yeah, he was finished. I just couldn't believe it! Everyone was getting something in my dream, except for me! I couldn't even please myself!

Okay, so last night, the only thing I remember was Carlos and I walking across some grassy land near a shore, some trees were between us and the ocean and we we giggling and making plans for later that evening. I noticed a wave crashing HARD up into the trees and then the water just kept coming! It's force was terribly strong even as it was only shin-deep and rising! I was near my home, which was a kind of trailer, and I screamed for my dogs to get near me and to get inside. The rush of the water was so strong that Carlos was separated from me, but because we were so surprised and had no idea how bad this was going to get, we both shouted that we would see each other later. I got inside the trailer and one dog was in, but not the other, Spyder. I had to go back out into the deep, rushing water and carry her back. I don't know how I did it, because the current was powerful. I saw Carlos washing away through the trees and even then I kept thinking he would be okay. The last thing I remember was realizing my Mom was the other person in the trailer and as the water raised, the trailer lost its foundation and started to shift... the rest was not so much my dream, but that half-wake thing that you sometimes do as you ponder your dream. I kept imagining how the trailer would have eventually begun to move and it would not have floated, but would have immediately toppled and sunk into the current. I wondered how I could ever save my dogs in that kind of situation.

So my theory is that these intentions for Carlos and I to meet each other on the Astral Plane are first being met with symbolic obstacles that we are facing in the process of our growing union.

The symbolism to me is just so obvious.

I will keep this journal updated with the results of our journey!

Shiny, Shiny, Bad Times Behind Me

Wow. 2005. And here I thought I was going to die about 4 years ago. I had so many premonitions and synchronicities happen to indicate I would die at age 33, I started to accept it. Finally, the year came around and I was ready to surrender to death and say goodbye, despite my really wanting to live. I mean, I REALLY want to LIVE. I have plans, you know. I have purpose. I am not just wandering through this life.

I've had far more dreams and synchronicities to tell me that this life is an important life than I have tell me I was going to die at 33. So when 33 came and I had done nothing of any obvious public value, I was feeling like I used to feel when I knew my grade school homework was totally easy, but I procrastinated, didn't do it, and chose to take the punishment over the reward.

But hey, I knew what punishment felt like. That was my life. Reward scared the hell out of me. Apparently it still does.

My vision of my death for this life has consistently been as some kind of collapse and burying under rubble, but I was ready for anything… so when the "close calls" started filing in after my 33rd Birthday, I wasn’t TOO shocked. I somehow avoided being on a subway platform when I would usually have been there and missed the gunfire that left one man dead; I managed to step back away from a standing payphone just in time for a car to smash into it; and I managed to miss my stop on the morning of 9/11 when I was to be standing at the base of the Twin Towers doing a Temp Job handing out New York Times. I survived 33.

I then turned 34, 35, 36, and soon 37. Wow.

Close calls with death can change many people's lives, but did it change mine? Not really. I have never really lived in fear of death or lived in a race against a deadline. I've spent the past 17 years channeling and counseling hundreds and hundreds of clients/students and I know I have given my heart to the world on that small scale. Still, I have more to give. So what does it take to kick start a person into feeling the time is right for the next Big Thing?

For me, it wasn't about close calls, deadlines, or death threats, it was about LIFE.

I wanted to live a certain kind of life before I commit to the Big Purpose. My sense of Purpose is maybe not a big deal to the world and maybe no one will ever even really know or care about it, but it's a big deal to me, my heart, my soul. If I accomplish this Big Purpose, the one that has always floated around in my days since birth, it will be icing on the cake of a glorious adventure. I have the luxury of being able to procrastinate because I have an inherent trust in me and my life and if I don't accomplish anything "significant", I still know I LIVED.


Now it's time. 2005. This is the year I offer my books to the world and maybe make a mark in literature or metaphysics. If not, that's okay, I will have left a mark on my Soul's To-Do List and that's just fine.

Writing and publishing my books is kind of like deciding to have children. I didn't want to do this until I was ready. I think I will become consumed to a great degree with the work they will require; the nurturing, the patience, the wait to see how they will fair in the big world. Creativity is a pregnancy and a birthing and a nurturing, whether it is the creation of children or the creation of a dream. I'm ready now.

Why is this such a big deal and why am I deciding to do this now? Well, not because of a brush with death, but because of a brush with something Bigger Than Life.

I've met my True Love.

I'm not being cheesy or sappy; I mean it. This is The One. I have NEVER used those words, nor have I ever even assumed them possible, but this is it. This is my last relationship. I will either die during this relationship or if we break up, it will peacefully have been my last and truest love.

Of course, I have experienced Love; I just haven’t experienced "True Love." There are so many who offer their Love to me and in the genuine sense: unconditional and absolutely accepting. I know that. But I am talking about the rare mixture of affection, commitment, life plans, sharing, comforting, boundless intimacy, sexual, sensual fulfillment, and absolute trust. I've had pieces of those in a few relationships, particularly in those still in my life, such as with Johnny, Nick and Cyprus, and I'm seeing it evolve with Taren. Obviously, the sexual element isn't necessary for Love, but I include it because in a mated relationship, Love is expressed from head to toe, so when I say I have met my True Love, that means I want to share EVERYTHING... Everything.

What I mean by "True Love" is the rarest of spaces, to me. It's where my body gets to be included and find sanctuary, peace, and transformation. That's why my life is different in the space of True Love. I have always felt emotionally, spiritually, intellectually absolutely safe. I know those levels of me can handle anything. Physically, however, I don't think I have ever felt safe. I mean, the kind of safe that lets me stand naked with the lights on and with someone seeing me, saying, I love you; you are safe with me. I feel safe otherwise, for example, I can kick butt if I have to, just not naked.

I'm not one to let my past dictate my present, so I never use my past experiences of abuse as an excuse for anything, which is why I have developed such a keen sense and love for people and animals and life. But all of that is emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. Somewhere along the way I forgot to grow Physically, to include my Body in the pursuit of peace, safety, and love. Instead, I stored my memories in my cells; let my body carry the burdens of the past in a way that allowed for me to free myself on higher levels.

Meeting my True Love is setting my Body free to join in that process. I can feel it. Oh, of course over the years and throughout several relationships (particularly in my relationship with Nick), I have surfaced surprising fears and issues that I was able to put to rest. With my True Love, I can feel the last limping pains and fears of the past are coming to the surface from my body and I am on the brink of a total healing. A complete recovery.

But not without some resistance.

Almost immediately upon meeting My True Love, I got a serious case of the Flu and in the middle of that my body unlayered a case of the Shingles (a resurgence of the chickenpox virus that has lain dormant)! Lovely. But I know what it's all about and I am riding through it, dealing with the memories and fears, and being loved all along the way.

Carlos is his name.


He found me. For months he wrote me patiently, inviting me to meet. I was immediately affected by his profile, but with 30+ responses coming in each week to my personal ad, and with life going on, and the holidays approaching, I rationalized not immediately running out to him. He might not even know this, but that was what I wanted to do that moment I received my first message from him. The energy, the words, the impressions, my intuition... everything just lit up. I knew.

And I ignored it.

As I said, it's easier for me to accept punishment than it is to embrace a reward. I had to be wrong about him.

I don't know what gave Carlos the patience and persistence, but he kept contact with me. I will forever be grateful for that. I finally couldn't ignore the striking feelings I was getting from his energy. I made a plan to meet.

That day was nauseating... I literally ended up making myself sick with the anticipation of meeting him. I almost cancelled, but I knew the area of greatest resistance is also the area of greatest breakthrough and something big was about to happen.

I'll never forget the simultaneous peace and anxiety that washed over me as he turned to me when I arrived. I felt like I was on the doorstep of someplace that was always my true home, but I was also a total stranger being reunited with that home. I wanted to run inside and scream that I was HOME!!! Instead, I waited to be invited.

Carlos invited me in. I'm HOOOOMMMME!!!!

This Love doesn't diminish the Love I experience with Nick, especially now that I see that his breaking up with me was one of the most loving things anyone has ever done. He also knew I wasn't Home in that relationship. I'm home with him now, in a Best Friend relationship that is as rare as a True Love. I'm lucky. I now have two Best Friends directly in my life.

So now, suddenly, yet peacefully, I am more inspired than ever. I am ready to publish my books, release the wounds of my past, and embrace another layer of life I always knew may come.

I've waited for Carlos for a long time. I always hoped he would find me.

I know, I know... I am being melodramatic and maybe over-romanticizing the whole thing, but who the fuck cares. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. But let me tell you this: I'm choosing to trust this. I'm saying Yes. If I fall on my ass, hey, I will get back up and believe again in the possibilities of life. I won't mind. I never do.

Thank you, Carlos. I'm Home! I'm Alive!

I love you.