All is VERY well in Lovesville. Carlos and I are unwaveringly comfortable with our rather surprising, magickal resonance and love for one another. And yeah, it's Love. No question. It's a conclusive feeling of absolute embrace that must extend from across many lifetimes, because it makes no sense to have this kind of profound peace so suddenly. I don't know, maybe it's just our level of maturity is matched so perfectly, or maybe we are both just such big kids that conventional "safe" thinking makes less sense to us than spontaneous, playful love? I don't know. But I am inclined to think that this is a combination of all of the above.
The other night, Carlos came over for our first real time together alone as boyfriends. We are both such social people, our dates have all included groups of some size. That's one of the things I LOVE about our compatibility. He's as social as I am, and in fact, while we have been out, it is INEVITABLE that he hears a shout of his name from somewhere in the distance as one of his little pals are so thrilled to see him! I'm as impressed as I am envious! He's so unassuming and modest and my life seemed so bustling, but then he startles me with this highly active social position within his own circle. It's so CUTE!!
Because I am sick, he has been totally accommodating to me and patient. Our date alone watching movies, talking, watching tv, talking, watching videos, talking was just what we needed. Just plenty of time to BE. To Be with one another and bask. After a long, long night that seemed far too short, I walked him to the subway in the diamond dust of snow falling silently in the still, early morning. It's the little things like that snow that will always remind me of these moments with Carlos that seem such a gift.
SICK OF IT:
Well, I mentioned that I am sick. Yeah, I got the Flu. But guess what? I didn't JUST get the Flu, noooooo; I had to go and develop SHINGLES! What is Shingles, you ask? IT IS EVIL INCARNATE! That's what it is! Shingles is a resurfacing of the dormant virus that is responsible for Chickenpox in your early life. 20% of every person who has had Chickenpox will develop Shingles. It's like a second Immune System Boost. Shingles is EVIL because the virus attacks SPECIFICALLY the nerves responsible for sending PAIN signals to your brain. So, you are constantly in a state of feeling electrocuted in your spine to the point of causing you to gasp, convulse, and see stars! Oh, and that's not all... it leaves GHASTLY blistering, welts all across your body. Some people get Shingles in awful places like across their face or in their eyes or ears. I cannot IMAGINE that horror!
Me, I got the classic attack. My wounding was all around the right side of my waist. It started in the back, right at the base of my spine. It starts out as red blistering, very light, and then spreads drastically, eventually turning blackened, purple and as ugly as you can imagine. I look like I was hit with a shotgun blast across the base of my back. The front is all across my pubic line and then some spreading between the front and back, meeting around that side of my waist.
But I was lucky.
Within hours of noticing symptoms, one of Cyprus' clients responded to Cyprus telling her about my condition and knew immediately that I had Shingles. I looked it up, read about the symptoms, and she was totally right. I can't afford to go to a doctor, so I immediately contacted my little channeling community and asked if anyone knew of this disease and how to tend to it. I even asked Michael about it (more on that in a minute). The response was amazing.
Very educated people responded with two distinct stories of their experiences. One type of experience was with those who went the conventional medical route of treatment. I had already read the details of what little medicine can do for Shingles, so it didn't surprise me that those who chose a mainstream doctor are the ones who not only suffered far more and much longer, but they were left with scarring. Those who chose alternative methods of treatment had reduced symptoms and complete recovery in a short time.
I immediately went out to purchase the things I needed for this bizarre attack on my system: Reishi Mushroom capsules (immune booster and antiviral), Olive Leaf Extract capsules (immune booster and antiviral), Ester-C (1000mg - major immune booster), Valerian Root capsules (to soothe the attack on the nerve endings), and I combined this with the use of Aleve and some Aveeno cream with hydrocortisone. I popped those pills about 4 at a time (each) about 3 times a day, and drank lots of water and juice. I had very little appetite. Within about 48 hours, the pain had nearly, completely subsided. Everything became completely manageable. For a disease that has a classic minimal attack of 4 weeks to 4 months, mine is nearly gone within 2 weeks!
Now, one more part of the equation to my healing, I believe, was in my addressing the metaphysical elements of what would activate such a thing in me. Most people think a disease happens TO you, but I totally believe that diseases happen FROM you, as in: they are physical reflections of beliefs, worries, anxieties, fears that you have not managed to deal with while they were Intellectual or Emotional. Once a belief or fear has become entrenched emotionally or intellectually, it WILL then move to the Physical as yet another opportunity for address.
I asked Michael what Shingles may mean. They said that Shingles is a manifestation of a deeply rooted assumption that something you expect or have that is GOOD will be obstructed, violated, or ultimately taken away. It's basically a belief that you ultimately CAN'T HAVE that which will ultimately make you happy.
Now, consider that this attack came RIGHT after my meeting Carlos; a profound gift of love into my life! A healthy, loving, intimate, long-term relationship is like the ONE THING that I ultimately KNOW is possible, yet it has always been just out of reach, or I have been taunted with the prospect and then had the rug pulled out from under me.
It's weird, because even though this relationship with Carlos makes no logical sense and could very well be ripped away from me at any second, I am only vaguely concerned about those things. A deep peace thrives in this relationship and I am so, so relieved of about 90% of my usual fears and anxieties. I think that peace is precisely why I generated Shingles. It's one last look at the interferences that I believe will arise to wedge themselves between me and True Love.
Once I "got it", I started processing the feelings around that root assumption about my life, and I felt this pattern in me changing, letting go, trusting. It's like, I feel complete and whole on my own, with or without the fantasy, intimate relationship, so my having this with Carlos is a BONUS, not a necessity to protect!
In recognizing and releasing those patterns in my body, I also released the hold that Shingles had on my body. I don't know if all of that is "true", but however connected or unrelated my beliefs may have been to my illness, I am better off with my freeing myself from those fears anyway.
I dreamt of being agitated while staying in this house that seemed to be a main house on a large plot of land. There was a smaller house off to the side and back. I decided I wanted to privacy and went to go into that smaller house. I remember feeling as if this was all some kind of church setup, with a church house and then a little house nearby. As I walked up to the little house, I was struck by the fact that it was glowing bright ultraviolet as if the porch had fluorescent black lights. I came inside and was getting comfortable, taking off my coat, when I just KNEW someone else was in the house. I peeked through the crevice in the door to see down the hall and into a piano room of some sort, and there was a man in there, just sitting. I got scared, but I braved myself down the hall and calmly asked him what he was doing there. He explained that he had been given a key to use the place at his leisure to practice music and to just get away. I was partially annoyed that I was not alone, but I was also kind of glad to have someone there who felt similarly. I know there was more, but I can't remember it.
Another dream was about my moving into a new house that was actually very old and big. People were around the outside, all bustling, chatting, as we waited for the movers to arrive. I was standing in the living room alone and could hear everyone outside. Suddenly, I saw a face protrude from the wall. I stared at it for a second and squinted, but it was gone. I walked up to the wall and placed my hand flatly against it. I was about to press my ear to the wall, when I instinctively looked up. Hovering out of the wall above me were several faces, very vague, but distinctly there. I put my other hand flat on the wall and looked up, which seemed to completely clear the vision as I was now seeing many faces shifting and jutting out of the wall! I walked my hands along the wall and kept looking up and as I moved, more faces would arch out of the wall. I was about to yell out to others because I was almost to the front door anyway, and suddenly I was lifted into the air rather harshly! I grabbed hold of the top of the front door and my legs flipped up behind me as I was continued to be pulled. The ceilings in this house were at least 15 feet high, so I was hanging onto the door with my feet almost pulled to the ceiling. I was then just hovering like that, gently, but firmly. I wanted to yell out, but I couldn't! I heard police sirens woop and beep that weird half-woop-half-beep thing as they pulled up. I could hear them coming up on the porch and saying that they were getting calls reporting that someone was screaming from our house windows at the neighbors. They asked if they could look around and as they neared the front door where I was hovering, I was dropped rather quickly back down to the floor, but not harmfully. I landed on my feet and I was out of breath. The police looked at me strangely through the screen door and asked about the screaming, and I just wanted to laugh because I was so completely shocked by everything that had just happened and with the fact that I couldn't just explain it. That's all I remember.
Saturday, January 15, 2005