Thursday, July 28, 2005

....of Love and Colors


As I unpack into my new home, I feel the daunting task of rebuilding, redecorating, getting caught up with work, and generally finding my footing again in life. I have never experienced such a bizarre balance of sadness and anger along with happiness and freedom. It's very disorienting and I am curious as to what the next few months will bring after so many changes are being made.

Sometimes the pessimistic bug bites, and bites hard, and you gotta get it out of your system. In times like this, it is a relief to have reminders from artists, music, other people, and life, in general, that everything will be okay... it is always okay in the end. Right now my mood is a bit off, because of the changes in my life along with the very disturbing atrocities happening in the world around us.

I know that I will be okay, and that PEOPLE will eventually get it right, but until then, I need to vent occasionally.

Sometimes we just fuck up...


All us fucked-up people
What are we gonna do with ourselves
And our addictions
And our desire to kill each other
And special things
your own dreams?

All us fucked-up people
Can't we see behind the pain of losing?

I had a dream of love and colors,
And all the while it seemed real,
And in this dream, we were unique.
Couldn't it be?

I wasn't cryin' before he died,
He died so young
And I can't see you anymore,
'Cause there's no answers here,
There's no feeling.

All us fucked-up people,
Can't we see beyond the pain of losing one another?

I had this dream of trust and beauty,
And all the while, it seemed real,
And in this dream, we were not fighting.
Couldn't it be?

You gave it up,
You lost your reason.
You never saw you are unique.
You spread your wings and cut 'em off.
You're only hurting.

All our fucked-up smiles
We quit dreaming long ago
And our distrust and our addictions
And our desire to kill each other
makes all the sense in the world

You just fucked up for a moment
You're only hurting
That's just like me
That's just like me
That's just like me

I had this dream of love and colors

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Republican Repulsion

I got my MoveOn alert this morning in my email and, yet again, the Repulsive Republican in the White House is making an asinine, self-serving decision. I am not inclined toward any particular Party, but I am definitely, consistently repulsed by the delusional mentality of the average Republican. I'm sure there must be SOME Republicans out there who actually THINK and FEEL beyond their Wallets and Self-Preservation?

Hello? <<<<HELLO>>> (huge echo)

Well, there must be SOME Republicans who don't want such extremes, so I am in great hopes for a balance to come among the Parties.

Anyway, here is our letter from MoveOn. Read and follow through...

I know these kinds of things may seem very ineffective, but I just don't know what else to do to help contribute to a more inclusive world, but to make my voice/vote known.

Sighhhh... not that it makes that much difference when you have a political party in power who are freely and openly stealing oil, land, rights, and elections.


In the past weeks, Republicans and Democrats have called on President Bush to nominate a moderate for the Supreme Court—someone who would honor the legacy of independent Justice Sandra Day O'Connor. But last night, President Bush nominated Judge John Roberts, a far-right lawyer and corporate lobbyist, to fill her post on the Supreme Court.

We've got to stop Roberts. He opposed clean air rules and worked to help coal companies strip-mine mountaintops. He worked with Ken Starr (yes, that Ken Starr), and tried to keep Congress from defending the Voting Rights Act. He wrote that Roe v. Wade should be "overruled," and as a lawyer argued (and won) the case that stopped some doctors from even discussing abortion.

Join our urgent petition to let our senators know we expect them to oppose John Roberts right now at:

This is one of the most important domestic fights of President Bush's career. We can win—Americans overwhelmingly want a moderate judge. But to win, we need to get the word out early that Roberts is out of the mainstream.

After you've signed, please send this message on to your friends and colleagues. We need to fight back against the misinformation that the Bush administration is putting out.

John Roberts has little experience as a judge—he was only appointed in 2003. But he's got a lot of experience as a corporate lobbyist and lawyer, consistently favoring wealthy corporations over regular Americans.

Here's a list of some of the things that make Roberts the wrong pick for the Supreme Court:

Wrong on environmental protection:
Roberts wants to limit the scope of the Endangered Species Act, and in papers he wrote while in law school he supported far-right legal theories about "takings" which would make it almost impossible for the government to enforce most environmental legislation.

Wrong on civil rights:
Roberts worked to keep Congress from defending parts of the Voting Rights Act.

Wrong on human rights:
As a appeals court judge, Roberts ruled that the Geneva Convention doesn't apply to some prisoners of war.

Wrong on our right to religious freedom:
Roberts argued that schools should be able to impose religious speech on attendees.

Wrong on women's rights:
Roberts wrote that "Roe v. Wade was wrongly decided and should be overruled." He also weighed in on behalf of Operation Rescue, a violent anti-abortion group, in a federal case.

President Bush could have chosen many fair-minded and independent jurists to replace Sandra Day O'Connor. Instead, he chose a corporate partisan loved by Bush's right-wing base but out of step with the rest of the country.

Tell your senators they need to stop John Roberts now, at:

We'll be in touch soon about next steps. For now, please help us gather as many voices as possible to keep the Supreme Court fair. And thanks for everything you're doing.


–Ben, Tanya, Justin, Jennifer and the Political Action Team Wednesday, July 20th, 2005


In addition, I received this from the wonderful AirAmerica Radio:

Dear Air America Radio listeners,

Here's how it used to work whenever the Bush Administration found itself in a bad spot: the media would start reporting the scandal; Democrats and reasonable Republicans would call for justice to be done; and then the White House would simply change the channel. Right Wing talk radio and television have always been the key. The White House knew its talking points would be faithfully delivered to tens of millions of homes, cars, workplaces every day, while the original scandal was never to be spoken of again.

The White House tried to change the channel again last night with its rushed nomination of John Roberts for the Supreme Court. Now America is supposed to forget that a traitor is operating freely in the White House – a traitor who just happens to be the President's closest aide and advisor, Karl Rove.

But here's what's different now: Air America Radio is on the job.

Yes, in the weeks ahead our hosts will tell you everything you need to know about the battle for the Supreme Court, as well as the other pressing issues that face this country and that you care so deeply about. But we're not going to forget Karlgate (or "Traitorgate" as our Randi Rhodes calls it) until Karl Rove is out of the White House and the President has been held to account.

Here are highlights of how our hosts have been keeping up the pressure on the White House by framing the issue and keeping millions of listeners informed. You can expect much more of this in the weeks to come:

The Rachel Maddow Show – "Rove's response about Joe Wilson, 'Because he's a Democrat'..."
Morning Sedition – "This is about calling the Neocon Death Cult out on a lie."
The Al Franken Show – "There's perjury, too – that's also a crime..."
The Randi Rhodes Show – "The President cannot fire Karl Rove...that would be like Pinocchio would fire Geppetto..."
The Majority Report – "It's very easy to get caught up in how nefarious the Bush Administration is..."

Now that the White House is trying to change the channel, we need you now more than ever to help us keep the pressure on the White House to fire Karl Rove, even while we join the fight over the Supreme Court.

Sign our petition, and please ask all of your friends to join in as well:

Why is it so important to keep up the pressure over Karlgate? Because this is not just about the blind partisanship and arrogance that caused this Administration to seek revenge on Joe Wilson for blowing the whistle on its bogus reasons for going to war. It's about a justification made of lies for a war that has cost thousands of precious lives. It's about the utter destruction of our standing in the international community, soaring budget deficits, the diversion of funds to pay for the war, and the loss of our civil and human rights.

Looking carefully at the politics of the last 15 to 20 years, it's clear that the power of Right Wing talk radio was a driving force that allowed this extremist government to come to power and cause this mess. Now Air America Radio is talking back – and with your help, we'll keep up the drumbeat until justice is done.

Thank you, Air America Radio

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Dream Life: IT'S BAAAAaaack!

It's happening again...

Dreamt I was inside one of the "dream lives" again! I haven't experienced this in about 3 years?

It's always the same:

I "wake up" in some very familiar house, realizing I shouldn't be there, but for some reason that "me" also knows I am "from" there. It's as if my consciousness from my present life inhabits a parallel version of me. I wake up in awe, walking quietly, slowly through the house, looking out the windows, looking in drawers, listening to sounds... I am at once in amazement and totally scared out my mind with disorientation.

I have, I think, 3 other "lives" in which I wake up like that. It's a very strange experience! I awakened in these seemingly parallel versions of myself, but not like a weird dream or bizarre symbolic exploration... I literally feel, think, see, and KNOW I am in a different version of my body and my life at the time. I swear: I can't begin to explain how realistic and lucid it is. And the interesting thing is that when I awaken "there," I am aged proportionally and I am suddenly caught up on several new memories that have happened since my last "visit."

In several of these episodes when I have awakened "there," I am in the middle of a public gathering, such as a party or hosting guests! The friends are around me as I nod awake, helping me to my feet, getting me to a seat, as if I had passed out. I am SO disoriented because everyone is recognizable to me, but at the same time I don't know them and some are comforting me, some are laughing with relief.

Since this is an experience I have had from a very young age, at one point during my last run with these episodes, I tried to vocalize to my friends "there" what was happening. I kept trying to tell them "I" was not "from there" and that I only had a few seconds to talk. Of course, their reactions were always that I was clearly delirious and nervous laughter would be around me as I was comforted.

I learned quickly not to ask questions, but to listen. As long as I didn't ask any crazy questions, everyone around me would talk like normal and I would hear more details. By listening, I learned that one version of me is a Toy Designer and another version runs a Metaphysical Center of some sort. The one who runs the Metaphysical Center must be the one who does these metaphysical experiments that displace "us" because I know at one point, when I had "awakened there," someone helping me up said, "It worked! I think it worked!" He then noticed "I" wasn't "me" and he said, "Oh my god..." just as I slipped back into "my world."

Okay, so all of that sounds absolutely crazy, but it's a very real, progressive dream that I have! I don't treat it as if it is "real," but I do treat it with great curiosity and find the experience to be beyond fascinating!

I wonder if there are others who have these intensely lucid dreams.

Another interesting thing is that since I was a kid, I have had random moments of passing out for no discernable reason. They almost always parallel these dreams!

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Finding Funny

I don't usually enjoy forwarded emails, jokes, urban legends, etc. but this news was hilarious:

The U.S. Postal Service has created a stamp with a picture of George W. Bush to honor his first-term achievements.

In daily use, it has been shown that the stamp is not sticking to envelopes. This has enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing, a special presidential commission has made the following findings:

1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side.

(Thanks, sandy! I needed a chuckle!)

Inner and Outer Landscapes

Just woke up from an awful dream that Carlos was breaking up with me. He informed me that he had met some girl at a wedding shower, or something to do with a wedding, and in meeting her, thought to himself, "Now this is how I want to feel." He told me this just before getting out the little car we were driving, so he could walk a dog that was with us. While he walked the dog, I went in to the apartment of our friend (who happened to be a very pregnant Jennifer), and she hesitantly informed me that she knew he was planning to break up with me for a while. I was SO ANGRY that I woke up as I stormed out the apartment and went out to confront Carlos!

Other parts of the dream that I remember are the song by Alison Moyet called, "Don't Steal Me Blind." I also remember seeing lit up and flashing, like neon, the phrase "Swiss Invasion."

Oh, and I just remember that Carlos's newly-adopted cat, Raven, ran out the door and into speeding traffic, being immediately hit by a car. It was AWFUL! As I stood in shock, my own dog, Spyder, came smugly prancing out from behind me and out into the same street, but she got blocked by a parked car and I was able to catch her by her tail. I was so upset with her! And then from down the street, Raven came leaping quickly home! She was injured, but not so much that she couldn't come home.

I'm sure I am having these anxiety dreams because:
1. I am getting all of these creepy hate mail and hate posts
2. I am in the middle of a rather sudden and uprooting move
3. Carlos and I came very close to breaking up within the last couple of days
4. When I move, our friend Johnny is moving in with us as he settles back into New York
5. I am behind on my channeling work
6. I have to start packing today
7. other things I can't think of right now, but I know are there

Those things contribute to my anxiety, I am sure.

But then, there are so many good things, too, so maybe it will balance out:
1. The creepy hate mailers have emailed me to apologize and try to re-befriend me
2. We found an amazing apartment in which to move
3. Carlos and I DID NOT break up
4. There is PLENTY of room for Johnny and his dog and his cat and his stuff in the new apartment
5. I am catching up on my work rather quickly
6. Carlos and Nick have offered to help pack
7. If I can't think of other anxieties, maybe I should not consider them anxieties?


Monday, July 11, 2005

Like Flies


Wow. Suddenly I am having to pare down my "my peoples" list of links! Several fellow bloggers have dried up their blogs, grew bored with them, abandoned them, been discovered to have been faking them, or were writing for such superficial reasons that they found the payoff was not worth it. My fellow bloggers are dropping like flies!

Life can get very busy, especially here in NYC, but I eventually find the time to write, to keep up with my journal of experiences. Some people have a hard time striking that balance, but I LOVE WRITING. It's a force within me and it helps me to create and find maps within me, bringing them out into the world, and sometimes, SOMETIMES, someone else finds that map to be similar and we begin to share in the world together. I love that.

In addition to that feeling of exploring and expressing my inner map of reality, I just love the process of expression. I love the challenge of painting my experiences into another person's mind-canvas with mere words as the brush. And, of course, I love being able to see documentation of my life as I move through it too quickly for my taste. I like having a record of my growth, or lack of it, and to be able to learn from myself.

I had recently asked for feedback as to why a person blogs, or if a blogger censors, and why. Other than news-related, or theme-related blogging, I had always thought personal blogging was just that... personal.

Recently, I have been hit with another big "duh" moment of realization as to why some people blog. As I always read the blogs to which I link, I noticed that several were not being updated, or that they were altered and closed, or that they were gone altogether. In my search to find out if these bloggers were okay, I found that one blogger just isn't really into it, so his blog is dead; another blogger was outted as having created a completely fake identity and all of his entries and most of his Comments were fabricated; and still another blogger who slammed his blog shut because no one had commented fast enough to feed his reason for blogging in the first place, and still another who believed that to blog meant you were not actually "living" your life.

Reality is such a nuanced and amazing experience! It would never occur to me to fake an identity or blog entry, or to blog only for attention, or to stop writing because of life (I write BECAUSE of life, in my case)!

I'm gonna miss bopping to these other blogs, even though they were built on shaky grounds. I really don't care the reasons for someone's blogging. It's the joy of READING them that makes the difference. I think the idea of a fake blog is a brilliant idea, like a Blaire Witch kinda thing, and so what if someone blogs only for the number of comments, as long as the writing is done well, and if someone feels more pull out the door than can be controlled or managed, then so be it, GO PLAY! Have fun!

So here's to the wild ones who passed through blogdom and left a skidmark on their way through life! A toast! May you find your more fulfilling means of expression and live it up!

May you find your wings alive in new ways, other places!

Sunday, July 10, 2005

I've Got A Secret

Recently I added a link to my list of "my peoples" section in the column on the right. The link is to POST SECRET, which is an achingly beautiful project that captures the best, the worst, and the absolutely familiar humanity in all of us. The project invites people to send in a personally-created post card that describes a personal secret. There are no names, just statements. Some of the secrets are startling, or heart-wrenching, and others are scary and morbid, but all of them touch something in you as a strange reminder that we are all connected.

So please check it out.

Inspired by this, I decided to post one of my own secrets. Consider this an invitation to share one of your own secrets in the COMMENTS section. Even if I know you, or you have a blogger account, you are welcome to log in anonymously and leave your secret.

I have always been one to believe I have very few secrets. I love NOT having secrets, and as you can see in my blog, I try to assume a sense of freedom about all of my good and bad, my flaws and fears, my harshness and my kindness... I have learned that the less shameful you feel about your life, the more in alignment you are with your soul, or heart, or whatever you want to call it. Because in the end, no one cares more about your mistakes and fears than YOU do, so the sooner you love yourself playfully along the way, the sooner life gets evermore interesting!

So as I wracked my brain trying to uncover any secrets to share, I found that I have far more than I realized. Not anything horrific or dark, really, but just... thoughts, fears, worries, and maybe a few experiences, that have never seen the light of day beyond my own eyes or mind.

Here is one of them. Maybe this isn't such a huge secret, maybe, but it's something I don't know how honestly I have accepted, so stating it here might make me see the absurdity of it and let it go. My secret is...


It sounds so silly to read that, but it's a secret thought I have that haunts every hug, every kiss, every loving moment. It's an ugly part of my heart that holds the rest of me hostage. I can intellectually "feel" all of the love around me and see its expression at every turn, but that nasty voice whispers its secret every time.

Most of the time, I really do ignore it, but now I want to face it and just say, umm, okay, thanks, but I'm done with that kind of self-cruelty. And it is... it's cruel.

Recently I started teaching my Wholeness of Soul course and that damn course brings up ALL of the crap in your life and holds it right up under your nose until you GET IT that there are some things that just need to be flushed.

For me, it's that damn secret. I truly believe that it is this secret inside of me that keeps attracting "proof" in the form of hateful strangers and hostile attacks from people out of the blue.

So there. A Secret. A Flush... and maybe another facet of freedom.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

The Anger and Hostility of Strangers

Recently I have come under the attack of a stranger from online whom I have never met. The nasty "anonymous" posts are from him. I don't think he realized how much I know about computers and it was easy for me to trace his obsessive attacks back to him.


I know that it's a risk to be so public with your life, but I'm not going to be scared just because there are a few psychos out there. It's my world, too, you know.

So the story is that this guy contacted me a long time ago because of a personal ad. I think it was through Gaydar. He lives in Brazil and he seemed like an interesting guy who shared very similar taste in music with me. That was pretty much the only commonality.

Slowly, he began popping me hateful messages out of nowhere. Then he would retract them and say he was "testing" me. He would occasionally praise me for how well I managed his attacks and insults. I found this slightly disturbing, but just rolled with it.

He then began pushing cult and satanist sites onto me, sending or IMing me links and images of a gothic nature. No big deal.

Then he started getting more hostile and more threatening, randomly cursing me and insulting me. I would always respond with patience, or ignore it until it passed.

I know I should have cut it off a long time ago, but I let people go absolutely off the charts before I consider they aren't worth my time. It takes me a long time for me to draw the line. Besides, he was just a stranger, really, and it wasn't affecting me that much.

So recently, he discovered the music part of my site and he was elated with joy. He was so excited and had all kinds of praises and suggestions. His praises eventually fell by the wayside as he became more and more obsessed with my implementing the changes he insisted I make. He wanted me to redesign everything, put up a huge amount of music, charge people money to listen to it, and on and on... I thanked him for his suggestions and told him I hoped to one day have time to really make the site even nicer, but I explained that the music part is just a gift to my clients and friends. The music wasn't intended to be a source of income.

Quickly he began to spiral out of control with attacks and insults. As part of his threats, he has registered false identities as me and has spammed satanist and cult web site forums with my email and web site links, inciting these people to react. He then discovered my blog and began posting his insults here. When Nick spoke up against this guy's behavior, the stranger then popped me an IM threatening me to be prepared for "the nuclear bomb." Soon, my computer was being "bombed" with a massive swarm of viruses. Luckily, I am fairly computer savvy, so it was no big deal, with everything caught and no harm done.

In what I assume was his final attempt to enforce a change to my site's music play list, he posted an insult against my recent Esthero entry and then posted his proposed play list, to which Cyprus responded, telling him to get a life.

Tonight, the stranger has now explained that he is going to do everything in his power to make everyone believe that the work I do is a scam.

And all because I would NOT redesign the music part of my site to his standards?!

What the... ???!!! I mean, please... how in the world does someone have this kind of time? To stalk a stranger on the INTERNET, for god's sake, and then spend all of your energy trying to attack and destroy that stranger? I just don't get it. And I've never even met this creepy creep!

Along with my friends, I am sometimes thoroughly startled by the kind of people who come out of the wood work just to be obsessively hostile toward me. Seriously, it is really creepy and no one understands why or how this shit happens. For instance, I was walking down the street a few years ago in a small, Wisconsin town. An old man driving a Cadillac leaned far over into the passenger's seat, so much so that he was swerving, just so he could FLIP ME OFF through his window! Out of NOWHERE! I swear to god. Amazing.

On the other hand, my life would probably have ended LONG ago if it wasn't for the kindness and compassion of strangers and friends, so as usual, the assholes of the world will pale compared to the sweetness and light.

But for now, I have drawn the line on this guy. His entries will now be deleted as he posts them and I will respond to him no more. He has been blacklisted from my messengers and from my email. I have alerted him to this, and his response was threatening, but I have to do it.

Some people are just plain scary.

What the fuck is going ON with people this year? Has everyone gone mad?!

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Last Exit to Brooklyn

Well, it's become pretty much official and I don't think there's any turning back, unless Manhattan becomes revitalized in some way, but...

Cyprus and I are, I think, "officially" Brooklynites.

We used to be so happy in Manhattan, living on the Upper West Side, the East Village, the Upper East Side,... we were in love with "The City." I've lived in Manhattan since 1988, with a few crazed excursions to fulfill some distant Karma, but for the most part, lived in the city for a long, long time. Over that course of time, something has changed. It's no longer the inspiring, enthusiastic playground of truly creative people; it's become a subsidized campus and tourist getaway. That's not necessarily a BAD thing, but it's just not ALIVE anymore. The city has fallen asleep and nestling onto its back are the likes of the Olsen Twins, frat boys, sorority girls, cologne-laden out-of-towners who think it's "cool" to go the East Village, or gay boys and squealing girls traipsing the Upper West Side pretending they are on Sex and the City (which is a GROSS misrepresentation of life in New York.) Anyway, Manhattan has died and in it's resurrection the people who gave it life have been replaced by conservatives, families, and naive twenty-somethings who have never had to pay their own rent. Like I said, I'm not describing this as if it is a BAD thing (it's actually quite lovely to see Manhattan so accommodating, which is why I've ALWAYS loved it), but it's just not ALIVE, that's all. It has left its creative and inspired and colorful world to history and has matured into something more like a midwesterner's idea of what "the big city" should be, based on TV. AGAIN, I don't say that necessarily as a BAD thing.

I will always have a soft spot in my heart for Manhattan. ALWAYS. Like a boyfriend who has become a Best Friend (and I know that process quite well, thank you). There used to be a DIFFERENT kind of intimacy, but now the bond is different, even while the intimacy is still there.

On the other hand: BROOKLYN... ahhh, what can I say. It is bursting at the seams with creativity, art, music, style, and community. It's been said that many artists moved to Brooklyn because the rent was less, and that may have been the case in the 90s, but not anymore. People are now moving to Brooklyn because it's the new East Village, filled with the inspiring, fiery, passionate, creative, experimental energy that Manhattan used to embody. Think of Manhattan as now being the epitome of Donald Trump, while Brooklyn is now Studio 54 and Andy Warhol. It's just a matter of preference and I have discovered that I prefer the feeling of being alive over the feeling of false status. Unfortunately, the rent is fairly matched, if not more, than Manhattan's rent.

So, Cyprus and I are off to a new start in a new apartment beginning in August! We looked all over Manhattan, and we seriously considered a couple of places, particularly on the Lower East Side where the energy and life are still edgy and passionate, but the "something" just wasn't there.

When I came out of the subway to the area where our new apartment is, I said. "Uh ohh... Cyprus, do you feel that? I can FEEL a strange familiarity with this place and it feels like there is a version of us already living here." It felt as if some parallel-universe version of us already lived there. I pay attention to those metaphysical sensations as often as I can, and I've felt the same feeling in one area of Manhattan at the Delancey Street station for the F train. That's why I emphasized a search in that area, but my instincts kept taking me back out to Brooklyn.

And don't get me wrong; there are some boring-ass areas of Brooklyn, crime-ridden slum areas, and extremely conservative (and beautiful) residential areas, but those things are commonalities among all of the Boroughs. Currently, we live in one of the more beautiful, residential areas, much like the Upper West Side of Manhattan and it is gorgeous, friendly, and safe. Our new home is a DRASTIC leap away from that.


Yeah, the picture above doesn't look like much, and it might even look SCARY to those unfamiliar with the bizarre way New Yorkers make the most of space, but believe me, for the right people, this place is a dream-come-true!

We will soon live in a 1500 sq. ft warehouse loft apartment within a huge artist community in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Our new apartment is MASSIVE, with a wall of windows about 20 feet high, and two of the bedrooms are DUPLEX! That means, like, two floors! I will have an office, a guest room/lounge, and the two main bedrooms. We are given complete creative freedom to build, paint, redesign, and construct in the space! Oh I am going to SO Queer-Eye the space beyond and back! LOL!

In this new apartment I will be able to have huge workshops and classes because the apartment easily accommodates about 100 people (according to the current tenant who hosted parties there). My workshops would only have 10 to 25 people, at most, so there will be PLENTY of room! An abundance of space for storage is all over the loft, along with FREE LAUNDRY! What the...? Who knew!? FREE Laundry! YAY!

The apartments are so huge that a few people who are in bands in our building and in the building across the street actually have CONCERTS from inside their own apartments! There are also rooftop concerts and festivals. Oh, and as you enter the main hall on the floor of our apartment, there is a wall that hosts the art of all of the artists in the building! I LOVE that! One of the guys on the floor arranges a theme for the floor and everyone contributes. That is so inspiring and fun!

Within the warehouse across the street, we have our own coffee lounge where the tenants gather, socialize, and network for artistic endeavors,...and down the street is a wonderful natural food store catering to our vegan needs! YAY!

See, Cyprus and I were recently thrown a terrible curveball in life, but today we both found amazing new ground as I signed a lease and Cyprus received word about something that she's been waiting to hear and it was EXCELLENT news. I hate to be so mysterious, but until I know the details, I can't write about it just yet.

So, in the end when you might think the WORST has happened, don't give up, and PLEASE remember that everything can change for your benefit when you participate in the creation of your next steps, and truly trust in the process. I knew we'd land on our feet, but I was freaking out for a bit when I couldn't think straight, but with the support of friends, synchronicity, a lot of effort, trust, and patience, we see a soft landing in a better world ahead.

I've heard word from my clients in London, by the way, and they are all accounted for and okay.

God... this day began quite ominously, but on even the worst of days, I am beginning to be evermore grateful for each one.

I am happy tonight (even while saddened by the bullies in the world who are ruled by religious zealousness and greed).

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Wikked Lil GRRRLS: The Return of Esthero!


After 7 years, ESTHERO is reminding us how cool "POP" COULD be...

Esthero is coming to town! I swear to god, I don't understand how mainstream music misses someone as talented as Esthero. I mean, this is as POP as you get, so I don't know how someone like this gets overlooked, except that her only crime is,.. ummm, she is actually talented and can sing?

I alway seem to gravitate toward these artists who end up being the primary influence and inspiration for all of the mainstream stuff, but these root inspirations are just not as marketable, I guess. Cocteau Twins, MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE BAND EVER, for instance, was voted as the most influential band of the decade in late 90's. And who's heard of them?

Well, you may not have heard these artists I love so much, but you sure hear their inspirations and influences.

If you get a chance, take a leap over the TRUEGROOVE LOUNGE and scroll through the playlist, find ESTHERO and enjoy the nice sampling I've added to my radio stream. Play WIKKED LIL GRRRLS. It is SO FUN! And, as I've said recently, I am totally on this political music kick, so you might also enjoy the song, WE R IN NEED OF A MUSICAL REVOLUTION.


I mean, this will probably NEVER make it to the airwaves!

Here are the lyrics:

We R in Need of a Musical Revolution!

I'm so sick and tired of the shit on the radio
and MTV, they only play the same thing
no matter where I go
I see Ashanti in the video
I want something more

We are in need of a musical ReVoLuTioN!
We are in need of....

How can you make your way through the world today
when everybody is so angry?
And what we HEAR affects our HEARTS...
there's got to be a better way to communicate
so show your LOVE not hate

We are in need of a musical ReVoLuTioN!
(we're so tired of the same old)
We are in need of some spiritual evolution
(we're so tired of the same old, same old)
We are in need of love
We are in need of love

I'm calling, calling, I'm calling out
calling you
Doesn't anybody wanna do something new?
I'm calling all creators in the movement
It's time to offer a solution to the dilution of what we love
And the greats would be so disappointed
'Cause we've sold our souls for what we don't own anymore...

We are in need of LOVE
Lets start a musical ReVoLuTioN!
(we're so tired of the same old)
We are in need of some lyrical evolution
(we're so tired of the same old, same old)

I'm so sick and tired of the SHIT on the radio
and MTV they only play the same thing
No matter where I go
I see Ashanti in the video
I want something
'Cause I'm sick and tired of the shit on the radio
and MTV they only play the same thing
no matter where I go
I see Britney on my video screen

Lets start a musical ReVoLuTioN!
I want something more
Lets start a musical ReVoLuTioN

Tell me why....
A grown man can RAPE a little girl
but we STILL hear his SHIT on the radio
A grown-ass man can videotape a little girl
but we still see his mug up on our video screens?

I want something more......
I want... something


Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Another American Birthday

Well, the Fourth of July has passed.

It's such a bittersweet holiday for a lot of Americans because we are more ashamed to be associated with this country than ever. I think if we think it about that shame carefully, we find we are just ashamed of our government, and more specifically, of the Bush Administration. It's hard to sit on our rooftops and on blankets in parks so we can watch the pretty sky-flowers erupt in magnificent blazes, oooo and ahhh at the beauty, while knowing that our government is destroying families, children, and innocent people in other countries, and actively neglecting the needs of certain groups within our own country, and a multitude of other atrocities I don't care to list.

On the other hand, I DO love our country. I wouldn't want to live anywhere else. But maybe that's because it's better to be the flea on the rabid dog's back than to be the ankle of the wounded? I don't know.

I think it will be an amazing world when our own government stands as an icon of Peace and Freedom, rather than as an icon of Greed and Hypocrisy.

I know that a lot of Americans support and affirm our government's justifications for its terrible and destructive and neglectful behavior toward humanity, animals, and the earth. I used to think it was because those people were just blatantly cruel and heartless, but now I see that there are some really good people who have just innocently bought into the bullshit.

It's a very difficult thing to accept that our government doesn't have our best interest at heart, and that it will pull off some pretty complicated conspiracies to cover up its own indulgences. It always amazes me when someone reacts defensively or naively to the suggestion that our government is corrupt. Just one glance into American history and you'll see there is validity in anyone's concern that our government is pulling off some pretty nasty shit.

A most recent, REPULSIVE, hypocrisy of our government, particularly from those of the Republican ilk, is this lovely news that somehow missed the mainstream headlines:

On Day of Iraq Speech, House Conservatives Gouge Vets

This just in from the Hill. On the same day President Bush will use the soldiers at Fort Bragg as a backdrop for his address on Iraq, conservatives in the House have voted to underfund veterans’ health care by at least $1 billion. READ MORE...


I received a promotional email today about an up-and-coming artist: JOSEPH ARTHUR. I'm not a fan of this kind of music, but I have to admit, these politically-bent artists are winning my heart. It feels great to hear a song that captures the frustration, embarrassment, and helplessness of being American, while also encouraging realization, empowerment, change, and potential.

Check out his depressing/inciteful video.


Let's hope we get it right before the NEXT millennium.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

WAR OF THE WORLDS: the battle between intelligence and mind-numbing stupidity

I remember when going to the movies used to be so FUN! I would look forward to upcoming movies and just count the days until it was released. And you know what... I STILL do that. Although I am more cynical and jaded because of the inane and incessant attacks from Hollywood on my intelligence, I still let myself get excited and eager to see an upcoming movie of interest. And I always go within the first week of its release... and... it's always the same.

It ends up sucking ASS. And not in a good way.

I feel like Charlie Brown, with Hollywood as the Lucy who pulls the football out from you after convincing you, "no, really, I won't do it again this time!" But, inevitably, it happens again.... and again... and again... and then you begin to question your own intelligence for having been duped every time. On the one hand, I criticize my intelligence for falling for these awful blockbuster movies, but in the end I choose to believe I am just trying to retain at least SOME of my innocence for enjoying the movies.

I love the feeling of eagerness for a movie that will be coming out. I love it! So, I will probably fall for more shithole movies that smack me in the face with the reality that big money film makers REALLY think I am a complete idiot, dazzled only by the billion-dollar special effects so much so that I don't notice the asinine story, horrible editing, and absolutely implausible and inconsistent logic. And it's all a "Catch-22" because I give them my money, which, to them, proves they are right and thus they continue to make horrible films.

You know... a movie should NOT be called a "blockbuster" or a "hit" just because of the money collected. Do you know what that means when a movie is a "blockbuster hit?" It means the MARKETING was a hit, NOT the movie. I look forward to the day when a system is installed where you can quickly rate a movie as you leave a theater:

Push 5 if you think this movie is one that you would see again and tell your friends to see.
Push 4 if you think this movie is one that you enjoyed, would recommend, but would probably not see again.
Push 3 if you think this movie was okay, but you will forget about it within the next day.
Push 2 if you wish you could get your money back.
Push 1 if you feel you have just been raped of your time and money, while being blatantly insulted.

If that system were in place, I bet the numbers would be VERY different. Please; if money was collected AFTER a movie, I bet the numbers would be different.

WAR OF THE WORLDS would get a 1, if that system were in place.

War of the Worlds (this Tom Cruise remake) is another example of why I teeter on dread for going to big blockbuster movies anymore. I hate that feeling of being duped and realizing how stupid they think the average audience member is. I don't know... maybe the average audience member IS that stupid, but please Lord tell me that can't be true.

WAR OF THE WORLDS COULD have been good! Oh my god, it could have been amazing. But no... it went the route of catering to the lowest common denominator of intelligence and sappiness, AND it counted on the A.D.D. of the MTV Generation to slip by the absolute assault on your ability to think.

If you REALLY want to see this movie, I would stop reading here.


Here are some examples of how awful this movie's assumptions are against our intelligence:

1. OKAY, SO I LIED! Electro-magnetic, ultra-lightening storms hit, rendering ALL electronics completely without power, including Cell Phones, Watches, Cars, and all other means of communication or transportation. This fact was specifically established by showing all of these specific things suddenly NOT working.

Cut to: a man running down the street from the attacking aliens FILMING the attack on his CAMCORDER! Ummm, okay. And, of course, various other conveniences are in effect as needed.

2. FORESHADOWING FOR THE DUMB: As was previously established, ALL vehicles have been rendered useless, HOWEVER, as Hollywood would have it, the main character is able to make a passing suggestion about how to fix a vehicle in his neighborhood. This vehicle is then miraculously available with keys in ignition and runs perfectly just before the aliens obliterate the neighborhood.

3. FORCED DUMBASSES: In said scene where the main character is stealing the only working vehicle in all of the area, even with absolute chaos, destruction, mayhem, and screaming happening within walking distance from the vehicle, the repairman of the vehicle is joking around pleasantly and shouting out how the main character's earlier suggestion really did work! The vehicle is running perfectly, Tom! Yo Ho Ho... it's a miracle, Tom! As Tom tries to steal the vehicle, a heated argument ensues as the repairman is more concerned about the fact that it isn't Tom's vehicle than he is about the fact the world around him is in utter chaos.

4. HEART ATTACK ON MY INTELLIGENCE: Lame, oh my god, SO lame a subplot is established between Tom and his children and his ex-wife. This was, I am sure, Stephen Speilberg's attempt at a heart in the middle of his "oohhh so dark' story, but it ended up just being an extra-annoying distraction. Why? First of all, the dialogue between the estranged son and his father, Tom. But we will get back to that. More distracting than the very silly dialogue was the fact that in the midst of alien extermination of the human race, all chaos would randomly stop just long enough for the Father/Son story to get another shot at being jammed into the plotline. 5 minute arguments about their relationship history would beat us over the head JUST so as to make sure we GET IT that they are estranged and that there is tension that will be overcome and an inevitable redemption ahead. Stephen really knows how to ruin a perfectly good story. He did the same thing with A.I. (don't let me get started on how awful THAT was.)

5. ...and the WORST 9/11 Exploitation in a Movie goes to... Just because the world remembers the horrifying and heartbreaking images of New York City as we wept in the streets, plastering our buildings and fences with images of our missing loved ones, DOES NOT MEAN YOU SHOULD AUTOMATICALLY USE THAT SIMILAR IMAGERY IN A MOVIE TO ESTABLISH DUMBASS SAPPINESS. Within HOURS... seriously,... within HOURS of the Alien Invasion, the streets are swarming with posters, flyers, and sheets painted and decorated with pleas for help in finding missing loved ones. Walls, fences, buildings are all plastered with these images and people are milling in the streets holding pictures and photocopies high above each other's heads. Ummm, yeah, not only is this going on WHILE the world is under attack, but people are STANDING AROUND and READING these flyers on fences like gawkers at a memorial and all of this AS IF NOTHING IS GOING ON! There should not be walls of memorial-like behavior happening within hours and DURING an attack on the world by aliens. It took us days... DAYS, to begin putting up images of lost, missing, or dead loved ones in New York City. Stephen... shame... that is just in really bad BAD taste.

6. Best REINCARNATION scene in a movie goes to... There is a huge battle happening on a hillside where useless military attacks are being met with obliteration from the aliens. Paralleling this, and annoying the hell out of people, was the oh-so-heart-wrenching sappy ass battle between the estranged son and his father, Tom. The son is ohhhh so ANGRY at these kwazy alienz and he wants to KICK THEIR ASS. Like a zombie, he ignores all guidance and gruffness from his father to NOT run off and fight this losing battle against the aliens. Tom leaves his daughter by a dead tree as fireballs abound, military attacks abound, and screaming people are running. He leaves here there so he can run to stop his son from going off to his certain death in that damn battle. Tensions are high... he's at least 20 feet from his daughter now, but he's tackled his son and is BEGGING him not to run off. Meanwhile, a couple have spotted the daughter and have mistaken her as having been left behind, so they begin coaxing her to run with them. Tom sees his daughter being coaxed, but oh... the tension... the tension... he must stop his son, too! And he's a WHOLE 20 FEET FROM HIS DAUGHTER! What shall he do!?? Well, howzabout we argue some more! Argument ensues until daughter is now being dragged away by the couple and Tom MUST make a choice. The son says, "Dad... it's time to let go... just LET. GO. Of. me." Pause for everyone in audience to get the metaphor... son stands, faces father. Father stands, faces son. Pause for moment of clarity between them as Father lets his son finally grow up... and son runs over hill into the battle. Father then runs and grabs his daughter. Everything in the direction in which his son has run now BLAZES AND EXPLODES into a MASSIVE FIREBALL, sending artillery vehicles flying into the air as the aliens consume all in their path. Son could NOT have survived. No one else did.

Cut to: end of movie wherein son is waiting in Boston, unscathed, running out into the street to hug Father. Miraculously reincarnated into the same body? A Pod Person? Nope, just good ole Hollywood cheating.

7. ABILITY TO SPEAK DISAPPEARS: In the previous scene described, it was supposed to be a very, oh so very, tense scene where Tom has to choose between rescuing his daughter or forcing his son to remain safe against his son's will. However, that tension is lost when Tom is only 20 feet away from her and could have easily have yelled out to the couple trying to take her daughter. Not only that, but the daughter could have easily have yelled out to her father. But no. Robot Girl actress, Dakota Fanning, is having pleasant, courteous conversation with the couple, stating, "oh no... my father will be back soon. He's just right over there." She kind of giggles politely and looks in her father's direction. Couple believes the poor girl is in shock and she's really lost her father. Tom, the father, looks right at her negotiating with this couple 20 feet from him and instead of shouting out, "SHE'S WITH ME! I'LL BE RIGHT THERE!" He sighs and turns back to his son to complete the enforced dialogue to help us stupid people establish the metaphor of Father/Son Surrender.

8. I ONLY WANT YOU! After the son has been vaporized (but not REALLLlllyyy) Tom is running madly about with Robot Daughter, shuckin' and jivin' about on the lawn of a farmhouse. People are all around him... and yet... SOMEHOW, Tim Robbins is standing with his head popping out of the cellar of the only farmhouse left standing on the hillside... and SOMEHOW, even as Tim shouts, "OVER HERE!" it is only Tom and his Robot Daughter who decide to run to hide in that cellar. Verrryyy convenient for what's ahead... how exCITing....

9. SPECIAL EFFECTS PORNOGRAPHY: When a movie's lead character is CGI, that's fine... but we don't really need that gratuitous, pointless 10 minute showcase... do we? A very pointless and long scene was created just so we could get a close look at the aliens and the art of CGI. Seeing the aliens would have been enough, but no, we had to watch them for 10 minutes, rummaging about, looking at family photos of the farmhouse inhabitants and bumping around and into things like bicycles, and you know... cute, fun stuff like that. Awwww...

10. BUT, NO, He really IS a hero! Just so we weren't confused, it was made to be very important to establish that Tom really is our hero, okay? So how can we establish this? Hmmm... we covered that he is really just a lovable, wuvable daddy who's just ruff aroun' the edges... but a hero? Hmmm... OH! Howzabout we have him rescue his Robot Daughter from the bowels of the alien feeding and fertilizing contraptions! YEAH!! So Tom is whisked high up into the air and placed with his daughter in one of the two cages that are dangling from the underbelly of alien contraptions. And what's this? Tom has managed to hang onto a belt of grenades? And what's this? He's being selected from among ALL the people in the cage to be "eaten" next! Oh NO! But wait, he has the grenades! YEAH! So as he is sucked into the monster anus of the machine, the rest of the cage leaps to his rescue, using their weight to pull him back out of the hemorrhoid that is swallowing him (effectively ruining his "hero status," but what the hey...). The grenades were somehow engaged and left inside the anus, SOMEHOW having had themselves pulled from the grenade belt, unpinned, and left inside... all done with ONE HAND (his other hand/arm was how they pulled him out.) BOOM! Alien crashes, baskets pop open, no one is harmed (even though they just plummeted hundreds of feet into a spiky bush.) YAY!

11. JUST FOR NOW: The baskets of people mentioned in the previous scene... didn't exist on any other alien contraption. Good thing THAT one had one... so now Tom is a hero AND a damn good father.

12. IN CASE YOU WERE WORRIED: Making their way from New Jersey/New York area... ON FOOT, Tom and Robot Daughter finally walk into Boston where the ex-wife has been. Is she alive? Will she be glad to see him? YOU BETCHA! Not only is she GLAD to see him... she psychically felt his presence just in time for us to have her look out her front door window and see him far up the street, gasp a gasp of relief, and then open her door... of her UNTOUCHED, WELL-LIT, BROWNSTONE that apparently had been exempt from all of the destruction that flattened the rest of Boston. The street was pristine, a breeze was in the air, just enough to catch the messy hair of this reincarnated son running out to hug him. Oh, and he had some dirt on his face.

All was well, the aliens die from a cold, and everyone knows Tom Cruise is a hero again and that Dakota Fanning can still say robotically programmed grown-up dialogue that makes NO sense coming from a child.

Thank you, Hollywood. Thank you for placing absolute trust in my idiocy.

I can think of many other points about the movie that are corny or insulting to people, but I'm tired of writing about it. I wonder how many people will catch the same things I saw. I know my friends felt similarly, so I'm not just being harsh. We all agreed the movie was OKAY, but you really had to pretend for two hours that you had no capacity to think beyond the ability of a second-grader to enjoy it.


on the other hand...

was just plain fun, jumpy, and adventurous, not EVEN trying to take itself seriously. It's not the best of the zombie movies, but it was really smart and silly and scary in a classic way.