I've Got A Secret

I KNOW WHAT YOU KNOW

Recently I added a link to my list of "my peoples" section in the column on the right. The link is to POST SECRET, which is an achingly beautiful project that captures the best, the worst, and the absolutely familiar humanity in all of us. The project invites people to send in a personally-created post card that describes a personal secret. There are no names, just statements. Some of the secrets are startling, or heart-wrenching, and others are scary and morbid, but all of them touch something in you as a strange reminder that we are all connected.

So please check it out.

Inspired by this, I decided to post one of my own secrets. Consider this an invitation to share one of your own secrets in the COMMENTS section. Even if I know you, or you have a blogger account, you are welcome to log in anonymously and leave your secret.

I have always been one to believe I have very few secrets. I love NOT having secrets, and as you can see in my blog, I try to assume a sense of freedom about all of my good and bad, my flaws and fears, my harshness and my kindness... I have learned that the less shameful you feel about your life, the more in alignment you are with your soul, or heart, or whatever you want to call it. Because in the end, no one cares more about your mistakes and fears than YOU do, so the sooner you love yourself playfully along the way, the sooner life gets evermore interesting!

So as I wracked my brain trying to uncover any secrets to share, I found that I have far more than I realized. Not anything horrific or dark, really, but just... thoughts, fears, worries, and maybe a few experiences, that have never seen the light of day beyond my own eyes or mind.

Here is one of them. Maybe this isn't such a huge secret, maybe, but it's something I don't know how honestly I have accepted, so stating it here might make me see the absurdity of it and let it go. My secret is...

NO MATTER HOW CLOSE SOMEONE IS TO ME, NO MATTER HOW HAPPY I SEEM TO BE WITH A FRIEND OR A BOYFRIEND, NO MATTER HOW HARD SOMEONE TRIES TO LOVE ME, I HAVE NEVER NEVER EVER EVER TRULY BELIEVED THAT HE OR SHE REALLY LIKES ME, LET ALONE LOVES ME, EVEN A VERY TINY LITTLE BIT.

It sounds so silly to read that, but it's a secret thought I have that haunts every hug, every kiss, every loving moment. It's an ugly part of my heart that holds the rest of me hostage. I can intellectually "feel" all of the love around me and see its expression at every turn, but that nasty voice whispers its secret every time.

Most of the time, I really do ignore it, but now I want to face it and just say, umm, okay, thanks, but I'm done with that kind of self-cruelty. And it is... it's cruel.

Recently I started teaching my Wholeness of Soul course and that damn course brings up ALL of the crap in your life and holds it right up under your nose until you GET IT that there are some things that just need to be flushed.

For me, it's that damn secret. I truly believe that it is this secret inside of me that keeps attracting "proof" in the form of hateful strangers and hostile attacks from people out of the blue.

So there. A Secret. A Flush... and maybe another facet of freedom.