Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Fucking Idiots

We are supposed to get "intense" and "severe" weather today. I'm not holding my breath. We get so many warnings and forecasts throughout the week for rain, storms, severity,... and nothing ever comes. That might be a good thing, for the most part, but I do love a good storm.

I love any kind of storm, but if it storms today, I will be enjoying this rain as bittersweet, knowing this is the same system that has destroyed New Orleans and other areas of the lower country. I hope I never have to fear the rain, as many who live in the South, particualarly in New Orleans, may now fear. The devestation down there is shocking!

But what is turning out to be worse than the hurricane is the lack of humanity among the people. I have never had an experience of good nature among the average person living in the South, which I describe as anything below the line that might cross from the middle of California to the base of Virginia and all below that. Nearly every person I have ever known while living in the South are more concerned with consumption, stimulation, convenience, and they will leave you in the dust (or in this case, in the flood) if your presence doesn't directly serve them. Of course, I am totally speaking in generalities, but GENERALLY SPEAKING, I have never had to endure the selfishness I have had to endure from people I've known across the South.

But then, who am I kidding. ANY place outside of NYC seems selfish. I am so glad I live in a city where people have proven on more than one occassion to have each other's best interest at heart, when it really comes down to it.

Meanwhile, in the midst of disaster, chaos, starvation, infection, death,... what is a huge portion of the population choosing to do, instead of caring for each other in the South? LOOT!

Fucking idiots.

AND they are not stealing food, water, or supplies,... they are stealing status-making shoes, TVs, electronics,... IN THE MIDDLE OF A POWER OUTAGE AND FLOOD! Where do they even THINK they are going to put or enjoy these things??

Fucking idiots.

Watching the looting
throughout the various, devestated areas makes my stomach hurt with repulsion. Sometimes... SOMETIMES, I find my fellow brothers and sisters in Sentience to be an embarassment and a nuisance. Even among those who are trapped in the Super Dome, there is stealing, looting, and witholding of necessities among the people as the stolen necessities are then being SOLD to those who can afford it; who happened to have taken cash with them into the evacuation. That truly sucks.

Fucking idiot people.

It would be different if this was just isolated, or happening sporadically, but it is rampant. It would be different if the looting was about food, water, and necessities, but GAMEBOYS? NIKES? XBOX? TVs?? GAMECUBES? And within the Superdome, people who were thoughtful or lucky enough to have brought in supplies are having their own supplies stolen from them and then held hostage or auctioned off to other people, unless one also brought enough cash to buy their own supplies back!

Fucking idiots.

Whatever... I'm just having a moment.

I'm a big fan of remembering that a few bad apples do not stand as the definition of a people, so... kudos to those who will eventually return health and sanctuary and life to their communities. I feel for them. They can handle the storm, but now they have their peers with which to contend.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Txt Msgs Frm Fone

"Out alone tonight. Very weird to be single again. Txting blog frm phone, sad."

I texted that from my phone last night, DIRECTLY to my blog! Wild!

Of course, I couldn't capture EXACTLY what I wanted to say in such abbreviated words, but it was more a test than anything else. I ended up being with my wonderful pal, Liberation, of Trigger Magazine, and, of course, my lil Italian, Fabio, and then Joe, James, and a few other really nice pals,... so I wasn't "ALONE," so to speak. I have all day to grieve and feel sad about my loss of Carlos, so to go take my mind off of it occassionally is really helpful.

Plus, now we know txt msging frm fone wrks!


Sunday, August 28, 2005

R. I. P. Carlos and Troy

Jan. 3, 2005 - Aug. 29, 2005

I already knew this was over, but tonight it became official. A most beautiful, loving, kind, sensitive, and powerful relationship has been put to rest tonight. I am still in shock, I am sure, but all will be okay.

Sitting in my pajamas on my rooftop high in the sky, a twinkling cool breeze messing my hair about, and through lots of walls, anger, and defensiveness, eventually turning to tears, surrender, and acceptance, both Carlos and I said a final Goodnight.

Over the phone.

My "Goodnights" over the past year have been nestled in the happiness of knowing I would hear from Carlos the next day, but this final Goodnight was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to say or do.

What could have turned terribly ugly was righted and ended in the best possible way it could. We didn't destroy everything we had experienced in our relationship. The love was as real as it could be and as genuine as it could be. I worked very hard in our final conversation to keep that intact for both of us as I struggled against all of my pain to make sure that Carlos knows he is loved, even as he chooses to walk away.

I will miss him so much, but I can let go.

Someday, somehow, someone will find what I am... and want me, love me, and keep me.

I can't believe I am already getting asked out on dates "now that I am single again." I'm at once thrilled and nauseated by it. This past weekend has been almost absurdly riddled with boys coming out of the woodwork, some even contacting me online from out of nowhere. It seems several guys with whom I had made contact through my personal ads online from before I met Carlos have been keeping tabs on me through my blog and are now swooping in for the kill! YIKES! I just need a little space before I even consider being available again.

My "emergency pity party" I had the other night was also encouraging for me. Just because the love of my life seems to have discarded me so easily, doesn't mean I am anything less than everything I am and maybe I'm not so repulsive as I feel right now.

None of these guys mean anything to me, even though several have been really sweet in their approach. But when I love, I love deeply and no one is, nor ever can be, just replaced. Some people are the kind of people who can have one of their pets die and then immediately rush out to replace it, as if only the presence of a warm body is enough. I could never do that. Carlos was more than a warm body; I thought he was going to be the final love of my life. How can I suddenly shift all of that energy toward a new person right now? Well, I can't.

I will want and need a real person with whom to build a new relationship sometime in the future, but I don't just want a body to help me forget. I will love again, though.

I always do.

Sure, I can move on, let go, and love again, and I will,... but give me a second to catch my breath.

Until then, these tears and the sounds of my sadness are just more notes in the symphony of what I call my life.

SONG OF THE DAY (again):

by Lisa Germano

Pulled the rug under me
And you set me free
Walk around feel the floor
Who could ask for more?
Pull away, pull away
It could rain all day
In the house with the hard wood floors

A little sad, a little strong
Put a raincoat on
Dance around loneliness
Be a silly mess
It's ok
Be afraid
Could be fun that way
In the house with the hard wood floors

Wall to wall
Back to back
Show the things we lack
Push me down
I don't care
I'm as light as air
Twirl around
Take the floor
Twirl around some more
Pull away, pull away

Lighten up
Bright as day
As they pull away
Pull away, pull away
It could rain all day
All alone in the house
I prefer this way
In the house with the hard wood floors

Saturday, August 27, 2005


I've updated my security for my blog's comment system. Now you must type in a "word verification" that will help track anonymous attacks AND gives the system proof that a human is doing the entry, instead of a programmed spambot. It's just a teensy, extra step, but it might help filter out the cowardly jerks and bots.


Friday, August 26, 2005

Ahhh, now that's better!

Well, it's the day after having been dumped!

I feel so much better; purged and free from the immediate shock and pain of being discarded so easily. I will grieve as long as it takes, but at least the anger, shock, and disorientation have subsided. I called out for an "Emergency Pity Party" last night and so many of my friends and loved ones and even some surprising acquaintances showed up just to be supportive and offer words of wisdom. The "pity party" was a way to sort of poke fun at the absurdity of the situation and to throw some levity on an otherwise terrible, sad loss. Everyone was so funny and spirited and no pity was necessary, which was the whole point. I rediscovered that I know some amazing people in my life. What a great idea to throw that party!

I wasn't SO surprised by the breakup, by the way, because those kinds of things happen, and I would have had to have been unconscious to not have known that Carlos was looking for a way out almost immediately after dating me seriously. I think he really wanted to see if his ideal vision would work, but eventually it just didn't cut it for him because he's more concerned with only himself and his independence and his life and his ways and... well, Him. At least, for now. And I describe all of this meaning it in a good way, even if it sounds like he is just being selfish. He's not meaning to be that way. He's just needing to take care of himself in a way from which I apparently distract him.

And that's his business.

A relationship is a lot of work (in a good way) and it causes you to look at yourself extremely intimately. I live every day in a way that allows me to see myself intimately, so being in a relationship is natural to me. For most people, they just want to get on with life and consume experiences and not really have to think about anything beyond their ambitions, disappointments, pleasures, and instilled traditions. That's a very valid way of living, but it doesn't really work well in the context of true intimacy.

Intimacy and Convenience clash incredibly and I don't think a lot of people understand that truth. I consider myself to be a terribly inconvenient person because I allow an intimacy with me very easily and quickly. People end up loving me or hating me, but at least they know exactly whom they love or whom they hate. Even an acquaintance feels immediately close to me most of the time, so you can imagine the level of intimacy I indulge in a mated or best-friendship relationship.

I spare nothing and I strive for the ultimate. I go into the dark, pained, ugly places in me where I have never felt safe and I gently bring those places into the light of my intimacy with my boyfriend. I'm not talking "baggage" here. "Baggage" would be the result of my bringing something to the table for which I force you to carry as a burden. I'm talking sincerity, honesty, truth, exposure, vulnerability, and the amazing chance to have everything about you be seen and loved and accepted.

For that, I have been dumped, but at least I was dumped because Carlos saw what I really am and eventually decided he just didn't want to deal with trying to love something that came a bit broken. That's okay. I can love me enough for both of us and my value isn't dependent on someone else's ability to handle the mess I bring to the table.

I love Carlos. My love is real and it is forever. That will remain, even as he pushes me away. He Instant Messaged our breakup and has not spoken to me since. That's his business and I refuse to fault him for it. He has his reasons and I will always choose to trust him.

Ironically, despite this cold and heartless discarding of me, Carlos really taught me more about trust and confidence in such a short amount of time than anyone has ever been able to do in the past. I really learned a lot from him in that regard. I actually like myself more than I have ever liked myself because of his kindness, patience, and character.

Even though I will write about all of this and analyze it and speculate about it, you will NEVER hear me speak poorly of Carlos. I hate the WAY he dumped me and I am thoroughly shocked by his cutting off all contact, but I will never hold this against him,... ever. He has never done anything hurtful or mean or selfish to me and I go on record to state that he is one of the most beautiful souls I have ever known.

In the same way that I expose my pain and imperfections as a way to invite a chance to be loved, I am seeing this as a chance to love Carlos exactly how I mean to love him: unconditionally.

Even if I am in the dark about what happened or about what is going on, he knows what he's doing and he will be fine wherever he lands.

And so will I.

That's what Love is all about.

LAST SEEN: AUG 21 2005

Thursday, August 25, 2005

The Unloveable Dead

I am dead tonight.

Barely breathing and totally broken.

I am imploding. The worst of my darkest fear has revisited my surface world. I always feel it clawing at me from the inside, ripping into my thin world of smiles and laughs, choking me even as I long for a hug.

The truest love I have ever felt for me is now gone.

I will never



let anyone close to me again.

I will walk with my efforts to be happy and to understand the larger patterns of things and continue to love as best I can, but I am concluded. I am closed.

It seems my mother was right.

I am ultimately unloveable.

This is what I say tonight, inside, as I lie here bleeding from every ray of my soul, but I never think I will bounce back, and I always do.

I always do.

But just a little less higher. I don't know if I have any bounce left this time.

I guess I will find out.

In the end, he knows he will always be loved.

They always do.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

I Exist

Really! I do... Blogging should be back to normal after this coming weekend. Getting services in our new apartment has not been easy, but an internet connection should be stable and running by Saturday! YAY!

Remind me to tell you all about my friend, BUSHBURG, seen on the left, here.

Hee hee...

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Late Night Bedroom Cinema

Waiting for services in our new apartment is taking FOR EV ER. Because our warehouse is not residentially-zoned, it is very hard to get residential services. This means that while our neighbhorhood fights for zoning rights, services such as Cable are just out of reach, unless we want to purchase Commercial Accounts, which are ridiculously exhorbitant.

We are awaiting our DirectTV Satellite services for our broadband and tv. I can't believe I will be using a satellite service! How decadant!

Anyway, until we are back on schedule with our Tivo'd shows, I have been rummaging through my collectible dvds that I have never watched. There are few things as cozy as watching a B Movie alone in your bed. Well, it would have been way better with Carlos, but still, it was fun.

If you have never watched an old Andy Warhol/Paul Morrissey movie, you have truly missed out on some classic tongue-in-cheek brilliance. The unsuspecting may think the dialogue and effects are silly, but upon educated and closer inspection, there is a genius behind all of that. I was as chilled as I was laughing my ass off at these characters and plots. Udo Kier was SO adorable in these movies! But my favorite is OTTO, played by Arno Juerging. More hilarious a side-kick than even Marty Feldman's Igor in Young Frankenstein, alongside Gene Wilder.

Worth checking out!

And my god, Joe Dallesandro,... please... total dumb-hotness before it was cool to be so hot, dumb, and bisexual.
Some may even recognize Joe from this famous album cover...

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Welcome Home, You Died

God, my day started out with a HORRIFIC dream! I dreamt that my all-time, most-influential, most-adored, long-time hero, mythically inspiring icon, ELIZABETH FRASER... DIED!!! Not only had she died, but it was a terrible, mutilating accident. She had been on a hiking trip and was climbing up some very steep terrain, slipped, and fell, bashing and crashing down the jagged wall of rocks! Oh my god; it was AWFUL! Why do I dream these things!??

my muse

I also dreamt that Nick went on is first date with someone. When I spoke to him today, it was confirmed: his first date since we broke up is with someone today. I don't know why this wrenches out my entire stomach and heart. I guess it's never easy to get over having devoted four years of your life and energy into the trust and patience required for a relationship that ultimately was never there, and then to actually WATCH the process of your being replaced.... it makes me feel so sick inside, even though it shouldn't.

I know I will evolve past this, and it makes NO SENSE, considering I am with Carlos and we love each other so well, and so much. This is like apples and oranges to me, though. I am happy and in love, but it still remains true that I was dumped. Simple as that... and it SUCKS ASS enough that I was dumped against my will, but to WATCH the replacement process?

I just don't think I can do it. In fact, I won't. I just... don't WANT to, you know?

Anyway, speaking of Carlos, my dear heart... We are quickly approaching our 7-Month-iversary! It seems like we have been together forever, yet at the same time, it always feels like we just met (in a good way). Recently, he treated me to a DURAN DURAN concert!

I would never have thought to pay to go see them, so this was a real treat! It was SO FUN! I couldn't believe how incredible they sounded after all of these years. I love when a band stands strong against Time. The arena in which we saw the concert was MASSIVE, but entirely outdoors, except for a huge, flying saucer-like roof. Humongous video screens were within view of any position. Overall, this venue was one of my favorites I have ever experienced. I wish Bjork would perform there! The venue is called PNC Bank Arts Center, or something like that, and it's in New Jersey. Who knew??!

Previous to seeing Duran Duran, I had gone to IRVING PLAZA to see ESTHERO! Now that was a tedious night, full of obnoxious people and a terribly long line of opening acts before getting to Esthero. Thank god she was adorable, sang really well, and performed with such energy and fun! She was WONDERFUL!

ESTHERO @ Irving Plaza
July 2005

Home is starting to come together, albeit VERY slowly (for me). I can't wait to PAINT and rebuild some of these rooms here. For now, here are some BEFORE images... one day soon there will be some AFTER pictures! YAY! The images below are just the main room. To take pictures of any other room would be pointless right now.

Soon... very soon... more color, more pix!

Other big news is that Johnny, my ex-become-another-best-friend, is on his way here from AZ. He's definitely moving in and will be here with his lovely animal companion, LULU. Sadly, Noa, a cat that we had rescued and has been with Johnny for about 10 years, just recently died out of nowhere. This was very sad news because I hadn't seen Noey (nick name) for so long; I was really looking forward to squeezin' all over him.

The WHOLESOULS course is moving along fairly well, even with a few speed bumps, such as my giant-ass move right in the middle of everything.

AND... drumroll... I am in the process of exploring a very unique method of publishing my first book! More details to come! YAY!