Ahhh, now that's better!

Well, it's the day after having been dumped!

I feel so much better; purged and free from the immediate shock and pain of being discarded so easily. I will grieve as long as it takes, but at least the anger, shock, and disorientation have subsided. I called out for an "Emergency Pity Party" last night and so many of my friends and loved ones and even some surprising acquaintances showed up just to be supportive and offer words of wisdom. The "pity party" was a way to sort of poke fun at the absurdity of the situation and to throw some levity on an otherwise terrible, sad loss. Everyone was so funny and spirited and no pity was necessary, which was the whole point. I rediscovered that I know some amazing people in my life. What a great idea to throw that party!

I wasn't SO surprised by the breakup, by the way, because those kinds of things happen, and I would have had to have been unconscious to not have known that Carlos was looking for a way out almost immediately after dating me seriously. I think he really wanted to see if his ideal vision would work, but eventually it just didn't cut it for him because he's more concerned with only himself and his independence and his life and his ways and... well, Him. At least, for now. And I describe all of this meaning it in a good way, even if it sounds like he is just being selfish. He's not meaning to be that way. He's just needing to take care of himself in a way from which I apparently distract him.

And that's his business.

A relationship is a lot of work (in a good way) and it causes you to look at yourself extremely intimately. I live every day in a way that allows me to see myself intimately, so being in a relationship is natural to me. For most people, they just want to get on with life and consume experiences and not really have to think about anything beyond their ambitions, disappointments, pleasures, and instilled traditions. That's a very valid way of living, but it doesn't really work well in the context of true intimacy.

Intimacy and Convenience clash incredibly and I don't think a lot of people understand that truth. I consider myself to be a terribly inconvenient person because I allow an intimacy with me very easily and quickly. People end up loving me or hating me, but at least they know exactly whom they love or whom they hate. Even an acquaintance feels immediately close to me most of the time, so you can imagine the level of intimacy I indulge in a mated or best-friendship relationship.

I spare nothing and I strive for the ultimate. I go into the dark, pained, ugly places in me where I have never felt safe and I gently bring those places into the light of my intimacy with my boyfriend. I'm not talking "baggage" here. "Baggage" would be the result of my bringing something to the table for which I force you to carry as a burden. I'm talking sincerity, honesty, truth, exposure, vulnerability, and the amazing chance to have everything about you be seen and loved and accepted.

For that, I have been dumped, but at least I was dumped because Carlos saw what I really am and eventually decided he just didn't want to deal with trying to love something that came a bit broken. That's okay. I can love me enough for both of us and my value isn't dependent on someone else's ability to handle the mess I bring to the table.

I love Carlos. My love is real and it is forever. That will remain, even as he pushes me away. He Instant Messaged our breakup and has not spoken to me since. That's his business and I refuse to fault him for it. He has his reasons and I will always choose to trust him.

Ironically, despite this cold and heartless discarding of me, Carlos really taught me more about trust and confidence in such a short amount of time than anyone has ever been able to do in the past. I really learned a lot from him in that regard. I actually like myself more than I have ever liked myself because of his kindness, patience, and character.

Even though I will write about all of this and analyze it and speculate about it, you will NEVER hear me speak poorly of Carlos. I hate the WAY he dumped me and I am thoroughly shocked by his cutting off all contact, but I will never hold this against him,... ever. He has never done anything hurtful or mean or selfish to me and I go on record to state that he is one of the most beautiful souls I have ever known.

In the same way that I expose my pain and imperfections as a way to invite a chance to be loved, I am seeing this as a chance to love Carlos exactly how I mean to love him: unconditionally.

Even if I am in the dark about what happened or about what is going on, he knows what he's doing and he will be fine wherever he lands.

And so will I.

That's what Love is all about.

LAST SEEN: AUG 21 2005