Friday, August 26, 2005

Ahhh, now that's better!

Well, it's the day after having been dumped!

I feel so much better; purged and free from the immediate shock and pain of being discarded so easily. I will grieve as long as it takes, but at least the anger, shock, and disorientation have subsided. I called out for an "Emergency Pity Party" last night and so many of my friends and loved ones and even some surprising acquaintances showed up just to be supportive and offer words of wisdom. The "pity party" was a way to sort of poke fun at the absurdity of the situation and to throw some levity on an otherwise terrible, sad loss. Everyone was so funny and spirited and no pity was necessary, which was the whole point. I rediscovered that I know some amazing people in my life. What a great idea to throw that party!

I wasn't SO surprised by the breakup, by the way, because those kinds of things happen, and I would have had to have been unconscious to not have known that Carlos was looking for a way out almost immediately after dating me seriously. I think he really wanted to see if his ideal vision would work, but eventually it just didn't cut it for him because he's more concerned with only himself and his independence and his life and his ways and... well, Him. At least, for now. And I describe all of this meaning it in a good way, even if it sounds like he is just being selfish. He's not meaning to be that way. He's just needing to take care of himself in a way from which I apparently distract him.

And that's his business.

A relationship is a lot of work (in a good way) and it causes you to look at yourself extremely intimately. I live every day in a way that allows me to see myself intimately, so being in a relationship is natural to me. For most people, they just want to get on with life and consume experiences and not really have to think about anything beyond their ambitions, disappointments, pleasures, and instilled traditions. That's a very valid way of living, but it doesn't really work well in the context of true intimacy.

Intimacy and Convenience clash incredibly and I don't think a lot of people understand that truth. I consider myself to be a terribly inconvenient person because I allow an intimacy with me very easily and quickly. People end up loving me or hating me, but at least they know exactly whom they love or whom they hate. Even an acquaintance feels immediately close to me most of the time, so you can imagine the level of intimacy I indulge in a mated or best-friendship relationship.

I spare nothing and I strive for the ultimate. I go into the dark, pained, ugly places in me where I have never felt safe and I gently bring those places into the light of my intimacy with my boyfriend. I'm not talking "baggage" here. "Baggage" would be the result of my bringing something to the table for which I force you to carry as a burden. I'm talking sincerity, honesty, truth, exposure, vulnerability, and the amazing chance to have everything about you be seen and loved and accepted.

For that, I have been dumped, but at least I was dumped because Carlos saw what I really am and eventually decided he just didn't want to deal with trying to love something that came a bit broken. That's okay. I can love me enough for both of us and my value isn't dependent on someone else's ability to handle the mess I bring to the table.

I love Carlos. My love is real and it is forever. That will remain, even as he pushes me away. He Instant Messaged our breakup and has not spoken to me since. That's his business and I refuse to fault him for it. He has his reasons and I will always choose to trust him.

Ironically, despite this cold and heartless discarding of me, Carlos really taught me more about trust and confidence in such a short amount of time than anyone has ever been able to do in the past. I really learned a lot from him in that regard. I actually like myself more than I have ever liked myself because of his kindness, patience, and character.

Even though I will write about all of this and analyze it and speculate about it, you will NEVER hear me speak poorly of Carlos. I hate the WAY he dumped me and I am thoroughly shocked by his cutting off all contact, but I will never hold this against him,... ever. He has never done anything hurtful or mean or selfish to me and I go on record to state that he is one of the most beautiful souls I have ever known.

In the same way that I expose my pain and imperfections as a way to invite a chance to be loved, I am seeing this as a chance to love Carlos exactly how I mean to love him: unconditionally.

Even if I am in the dark about what happened or about what is going on, he knows what he's doing and he will be fine wherever he lands.

And so will I.

That's what Love is all about.


LAST SEEN: AUG 21 2005


8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Boring, we are so tired of your endless hard luck stories.
I'm beginning to not give a damn.
I know you have problems. I know there are people you don't like. I know there are really bad things that have happened to you recently and that you're life has been hard, emotional and damaging. Everyone says all those things. I'm sure you really have though. If you start telling about them in the typical fashion of a psychic vampire you are going to find that people really don't care, even as much as you suspect they don't.

CocteauBoy said...

"We?" On whose behalf do you speak, except your own? Do you represent a large portion of this blog's audience? I am fascinated and inspired that this group of yours has assigned such a people-person to represent them!

I thought the only people who read this blog are the ones who want to read it. There are no guns aiming at anyone's head, forcing one to read about this glum desert of a life I endure, or this lush-love jungle of a life I celebrate. I experience a spectrum and write about that spectrum. Sure, it might be boring and tedious, but hey, it's my life. I make no apologies for that and I'm happy to hear that everyone shares in the same hardships, damages, and troubles! Thanks for updating me about that because I truly thought I was the only one who has any problems. ;]

I don't write in this blog as a form of entertainment or presentation or point. It's just writing. I write in this blog as a form of personal healing, expression, and record. I make no other claims as to its purpose or intent.

I do see a pattern that most of my writing is about my efforts to make the best of everything, even when things are very difficult. Why someone would anonymously make such an effort to add insult to the injury of a person trying so hard to make life better is beyond me.

I think that's called "Being a Coward," or is it just "FUCKING ASSHOLE."

I can't remember.

troy

Anonymous said...

To Carlos:
Babe, I love you so
I want you to know
that I'm going to miss your love
the minute you walk out that door

so please don't go
don't go, don't go away
please don't go
don't go, I'm begging you to stay

If you live, at least in my life time
I had one dream come true
I was blessed to be loved
by someone as wonderful as you

Hey hey hey
I need your love
I'm down on my knees
beggin' please please
please don'go
don't you hear me baby
don't leave me now
oh no no no don't go...

Anonymous said...

Carlos you are killing him softly!

CocteauBoy said...

I like the song to carlos. It's cheesy and sad at the same time.

I'm missing him terribly tonight.

troy

Anonymous said...

To Troy:

Searching for a destiny that's mine, there's another place another time...

Touching many hearts along the way
yeah

hoping that I'll never have to say...

It's just an illusion - illusion - illusion....

Follow your emotions anywhere
is it really magic in the air?

Never let your feelings get you down. Open up your eyes and look around..

It's just an illusion - illusion - illusion...

Could it be that it's just an illusion putting me back in all this confusion?

Could it be that it's just an illusion now?

Could it be that it's just an illusion putting me back in all this confusion?

Could it be that it's just an illusion now?

Could it be a picture in my mind? Never sure exactly what I'll find.

Only in my dreams I turn you on. Here for just a moment then you're gone...

It's just an illusion - illusion - illusion...

illusion...

(with real player) >

www.70disco.com/realaudio/justanil.ra

Anonymous said...

Nice blog! I'm definitely going to bookmark you!
I have a sugar glider picture site. It pretty much covers sugar glider picture related stuff.

CocteauBoy said...

Because of spamming and to help track anonymous attacks, please use the word verification process when signing my blog. Thanks and sorry for any inconveniences to those who are actually cool.

Troy