Tuesday, December 16, 2008

DREAM: I'm Only Here To Love You

For some of you who actually read my blog, you know I have wild dreams and often they are bizarre and even apocolyptic and dark.  Such a contrast to my daily life, which is like a mix of high-comedy skits and cartoon antics laced with I Love Lucy moments.

Well, last night I had one of the strangest dreams I've ever had and I have a feeling it was prophetic in some way, so I am archiving it here.  I've discovered over the years that peppered throughout my journal are near-LITERAL dreams that I find only years later had some serious relevance to my daily life.  The most recent being, of course, my dream about wandering around in a foreign country, looking for my heart/love, and feeling a state of anxiety I likened to suffocation/drowning... fast-forward 4 years into the future and I am living in The Netherlands because I followed my heart for love and I am dying in a hospital bed from Pnuemonia!

So my dream last night may have some significance, though I have a feeling it might be more symbolic in the end... but you never know, so here goes:

I dreamt I was living in a home from my past, during High School, back in Indiana.  I woke up in the middle of the night and the experience was desperately-vivid, lucid.  I was awakened by the realization that SOMEONE was in the room with me.  I was still for a moment as I tried to figure out what to do.  The panic was controlled, but it was like a terrifying short-circuiting and it was blinding.  I had no idea what to do... so I suddenly LEAPT from my bed, throwing back the covers and grabbing a netting I had been working on from the floor. 

(In the dream, this netting was some kind of project I had been working on and it was made from recycled materials; sort of like the plastic circles used to hold six-packs together, woven into a large net). 

I grabbed up the netting and just started swinging it hysterically and screaming out for my mom.  I ran from my bedroom, through the living room, and into the kitchen just outside of my parents bedroom, screaming for help.  My mom casually stepped out into the dim glow from the windows and asked what the hell was wrong with me.  I know I was speaking, but having a hard time expressing that I knew someone was in my room.  She said, hold on, calm down, let me help... and she grabbed a pair of scissors from the kitchen counter; meat scissors. 

At first I thought she was going to go with me back to my room and help me confront this intruder, but then I felt a tug on the netting I was carrying and I glanced down to find she was holding parts of it and CUTTING IT APART! I remember feeling completely lost and abandoned by her not taking me seriously and only using the opportunity to do something hurtful (which is clearly a fragment of memory from the abuse I did endure from her).  I tugged the netting from her and, shaking, stepped back toward the living room toward my bedroom, trying to ignore my mom's laughing at me and dismissing my terror. 

As I stepped into the living room, lightning flashed from outside and cast shadows for several seconds... long enough for me to see the silhouette of a man cast onto the wall outside of my bedroom!  The shadow of the man was holding a shovel.  For some reason, I lashed out again hysterically, swinging the net and rushing toward my bedroom doorway, entering, and slamming in to the guy standing there.  I just kept swinging this net and hitting and banging in to this guy.  He grabbed my shoulders and said, "Calm down, CALM down..." he said this in severe whispers, pressing his mouth close to my ear.  He shook me and said to LOOK at him... I calmed down enough for him to say, "I LOVE YOU. I've always loved you.  I've been following you and I finally found you. I just wanted us to be together and tell you I love you." 

I stayed calm long enough for him to say all of this... and then he kissed me.  The kiss was soft, electric, and melted into me.  He stood for a second and looked at me while I tried to make sense of what was happening.  He smiled as if he knew I would understand... and then I freaked out on him again and started screaming and flailing and hitting him and swinging the net at him, so he dashed to my window, straddled the window sill, and smiled back at me, disappearing out into the darkness. 

I ran over to my window and slid it shut, pressing my face up against the glass to see if I could see where he had run off into the rain...

Then I sat on my bed and realized the shocking mix of deep recognition of this person and the absolute, soothing effects from his whispers and his kiss, with the terrifying idea of someone finding his way into my personal space just to prove something to me.  I sat for a long time, completely at a loss as to what to do or what to feel, but kept playing that kiss and his trying to calm me down, over and over in my mind... until I fell asleep again. 

The sun was shining into my room when I awoke and for a brief moment I realized that I must have been dreaming the experience from the night before... until I saw my cut-up netting lying sprawled across my floor.... and then realized that I had an arm holding me from around my waist from behind, with a body spooning warmly against me. 

I shot out of the bed and slammed my back against the door to look back at my bed and see this man had come back through my window in the night and had crawled into bed with me, holding me.  Again, I felt the rush of pure satisfaction and recognition, mixed with the horror of this happening at all! 

Before I got a chance to scream or freak out any further, he got out of my bed, straddled the window sill again, and was smiling patiently at me, looking back at me and saying, "You shouldn't be scared. I'm only here to love you." He played whimsically with a flap in the screen where he had apparently sliced it, and said, "Sorry about the screen. You should just leave your window open next time."  And he slipped away...

And I woke up in my "real" room and sat up, looking around at my windows, walls, doorway, listening, and adjusting to the dark and shadows and sounds... and feeling that same mix of horror and the warm remembering of a love I almost forgot, but that hadn't forgotten me, and had found me again.

The symbolism in this dream is rich, but there's something prophetic about it, too... I can feel it.

We'll see...


Anonymous said...

What a great dream! It's interesting that, in the context of someone wanting to love you, you sought the comfort of someone that never comforted you. And that you pushed the love away. This brings to mind Michael's 7 levels of love and how we can only FEEL love from another UP TO the level at which we currently love ourself. Interesting...


Jonah said...

Wow Troy, intense.

Reminds me of an animated television series/graphic novel called Loveless.

Like, so much.

CocteauBoy said...

@Jonah: Wow, really???? I am going to have to look into that!!

Anonymous said...

Hi Troy
Very good article from Medical Doctor John Barrow:

Jonah said...

@Troy: So very much. Its pretty much ridiculous. However, I'm told that the Animated series got canceled so the full story is in the Graphic Novel.