Pulsating Proof of the Point

CHEMICALS SWIRL
AND FINGERS CURL
AS WE FALL INTO THE TRICKERY OF BIOLOGY

OR SO THEY SAY

EXCEPT
NO BABIES WILL COME OF THIS

SO
WHAT IS THE POINT

OH YEAH
WE LOVE EACH OTHER

MAYBE BABIES WERE NEVER THE POINT

(our love transcends biology)

Paraphrasing Perpetual Stupidity of Heart

CONVERSATION PARAPHRASE ONE
HE: Troy, I have something to tell you.
ME: What?
HE: Seriously, don't get mad.
ME: WHAT?!
HE: This is something important about your move here.
ME: WHAT!
HE: There's only one way to say it...
ME: WHAT!?? My god, WHAT??
HE: I
HE: LOVE
HE: YOU!
ME: Oh you little snot!
HE: Hee Hee

CONVERSATION PARAPHRASE TWO
HE: Hey babe!
ME: Awww... HI!
HE: Well, I've been thinkin and there's something you should know about me before you get here.
ME: What, babe?
HE: It's something big, so maybe I should call you.
ME: WHAT? Oh my god, WHAT?
HE: You gotta be understanding about this, okay?
ME: Of course, no worries... what?
HE: Well...
ME: WHAT??
HE: I
HE: LOVE
HE: YOU
ME: Ohhhh youuuuu!

CONVERSATION PARAPHRASE THREE
HE: Oh, I have to tell you what happened today!
ME: WHAT! Oh, exciting!
HE: Not really, it might upset you.
ME: Oh god, what.
HE: Just promise not to be mad?
ME: For real... what? Why would I be mad?
HE: I dunno, but I just thought I should be honest about it.
ME: S'okay... what happened.
HE: I
HE: LOVE
HE: YOU
ME: D'oh! Alright! This is getting old!

CONVERSATION PARAPHRASE FOUR
HE: Oh god.
ME: What?
HE: I didn't tell you yet.
ME: What, babe?
HE: I have made some plans that might change our plans for your coming here.
ME: WHAT?! What happened?
HE: Well, what was I supposed to do?!
ME: I don't understand... what happened? What plans?
HE: That...
ME: What!
HE: That I love you...
ME: Oh GODDAMMIT this is getting ridiculous! I'm not falling for it again!

CONVERSATION PARAPHRASE FIVE
HE: I've never lived with anyone before, so bear with me, okay?
ME: No worries, I know it will be an adjustment for both of us.
HE: Seriously, there are other things to think about, too.
ME: Well, I've always lived with someone and I know what it's like to need space, so no worries.
HE: But this is going to be your home, too.
ME: I know, but I'm very considerate about other people's space, so you just let me know and...
HE: Well, and then...
ME: What?
HE: The other thing you should know about living with me.
ME: What?
HE: I should have told you before you bought your ticket.
ME: Babe, I can deal... what.
HE: Ur gonna have to deal with this,
ME: What?! Don't worry about it. What?
HE: I love you.
ME: GODDAMMIT! Stop that! I keep having anxiety attacks!
HE: I know. It's funny.
ME: I'm NOT falling for it again.
HE: Yes you will.

CONVERSATION PARAPHRASE SIX
HE: How's it goin babe!?
ME: Well, I'm very upset today. I have to tell you something big.
HE: What?
ME: Make sure you are sitting down. This could be a shock.
HE: What... that you love me?
ME: GODDAMMIT!!!
HE: ur stupid.
ME: stupid in love.
HE: me too

CONVERSATION PARAPHRASE SEVEN
HE: (same old same old setup)
ME: (same old same old GODDAMMIT!)
HE: u should blog about this
ME: I will, dammit!

So I did.

So here's to being stupid-anxious in love and uprooting your entire existence to move to another continent and country so you can follow your heart and not being embarrassed about how idiotic you look along the way.

Next Stop: AMSTERDAM

It never EVER occurred to me that I would ever visit Europe, let alone LIVE there, so it goes without saying that I am just as much in shock over my announcement as any of you may be:

I AM MOVING TO AMSTERDAM!

WHAT THE!!?? you say?

This move was prompted by a long journey through situations, scenarios, and synchronicities that had to have all come together in culmination of my choosing to move to another country. Many of the situations and scenarios are things I have bitched about in this very blog, that are now clearly a part of a larger pattern leading me to Amsterdam. I imagine this all began falling into place as part of my breakup from Clem and my distancing from Cyprus. If I was closely connected to either of these two, I would never fathom this choice.

As it stands, these two major falling out scenarios led me to two very important factors being in place:

- space created in my life to move about however I choose, without any negative impact on anyone (besides my American friends missing me, which is heart-breaking!)
- being free from any intimate relationships (i.e. boyfriends) so that I could find myself open to the surprise of my life with a rather old relationship that took on a new spin!

Yup, I have a boyfriend. Yup, he's Dutch. Yup, he lives in Amsterdam. Yup, I'm kinda going on this journey for the sake of following my heart. I like following my heart. It's taken me to far-flung places in the world, inside and out. And I'm not about to start ignoring this incredible navigational tool I have for my life, so...

Over a year-in-the-making, I finally discovered that I am in love with someone I only ever expected would be one of my dearest, long-distance friends. It's the 21st Century, so most of you probably no longer roll your eyes at the idea of "meeting" someone online with whom you eventually develop a strong, loving rapport, but I'm also not ridiculous enough to take that relationship to a place of fantasy. No matter what one might form as a relationship with someone online, it is essentially a relationship with your IDEA of who that person is, not necessarily a relationship with that person. So, none of this ever occurred to me as anything more than a beautifully modern connection with a beautiful soul overseas.

And then he came to visit.

Even then, I was resistant. I was unconsciously avoiding even having contact with him. I was "busy" and I didn't really want to deal with all of it. Upon his arrival, he stayed his first night with an acquaintance of his, and I thought I might be able to see him MAYBE once or twice, but, you know, I was "busy," so probably not.

And then he called me.

And he asked very strongly if he could please stay with me. I immediately, without hesitation, said YES! To this day, I do not know WHY I said it without hesitation. Anyone who knows me knows that I hem and haw and say that I need to check my schedule or think about it, etc. I never just say YES! But I did.

I went to pick him up at our designated meeting place and upon seeing him, I was immediately, quietly, smitten. I quickly ignored this and turned the feelings into my usual, loving affection for a friend. I knew he was just visiting and would be gone, soon, so it was easy to allow the feelings to shift into appreciation.

Cut to many long, precious, transformational days and nights later, and we are both crying our eyes out at being separated by his having to leave, having had incredible dates and walks and conversations and revelations and emotions and an honest look at whether the year together had been leading to this, or if we were just having a magickal time. My initial inclination was to convince the both of us that we were just having a magickal time and that we should keep our wits about us because, really, what were we supposed to do about this important, personal, and shared realization? As we neared the airport, realizing exactly what ignoring the truth would mean, I found myself squirming with resistance inside, but also flooding with surrender to something more beautiful to me than I have experienced in a very, very long time.

As we said our painful, and I mean PAINFUL... burning-eyes, swollen-throat, stomach-wrenching, ugly-cry, PAINFUL goodbye, I STILL said I was only "90% sure." I walked away feeling falsely strong for having left myself 10% open for the doubt and rejection of this huge potential between us.

But that didn't last long.

Within the hour of our departure from each other, I knew it was over for me. I knew it. And when I KNOW something; when it resonates within me like an orchestra of truth, I surrender.

I know I am doing the right thing. I know I am doing the right thing for me. I know I am doing the right thing for us, for my work, for my life. I just... KNOW.

And in that knowing, everything has fallen into place... almost immediately, all required elements are there, making this possible within a very short period of time.

As of May, at some point in May, this will be HOME

When the time feels right and both of us are settled in to a comfortable world together, I will introduce him through my blog, but for now, there is a kind of sanctuary being built together that doesn't include a lot of exposure. My close friends are involved, supportive, and for now, that's all I want for such a huge choice in my life. I didn't make this choice based on any compulsion or zany escape into adventure, but on real thinking, real assessment, real awareness of all of the obvious potential outcomes, and when I ask myself if I would still move there if I knew that my relationship would not last, I still feel a powerful YES.

I'm moving there for something bigger than what prompted all of this and I am ready for anything.

Especially to be Loved.

This is one of the few pivotal points in my life where I see a major, long-term investment in myself and my life and it will be what I make of it, but the impact will go far and wide into my future and relationships.

And I'm finally going to get that damn book published!

Ironically, the only boyfriend with whom I had a relationship that carried such a magic and power to transform my entire life is also living in Amsterdam! No worries, y'all... we are nearly-20-years-in-the-making a magickal friendship that has withstood time, space, hate, love, and everything between. Furthermore, he has been vital to my being able to move to Amsterdam and understand the process of gaining residency so that my boyfriend and I can be together on the same continent.

Isn't life AMAZING?!!

More details to come...

An Ocean Apart

AN OCEAN APART
(for him)

Now we are together
sitting outside in the sunshine
But soon we'll be apart
and soon it'll be night at noon

Now things are fine
the clouds are far away up in the sky
But soon I'll be on a plane
and soon you'll feel the cold rain

You promised to stay in touch
when we're apart
You promised before i left
that you'll always love me.

Time goes by
and people cry
and everything goes too fast

Now we have each other
enjoying each moment
with one another
But soon I'll be miles away
and soon the phone will be our only way

Now I'm in your arms
Feeling pure love and awe
but soon I'll be alone
and soon your voice will change in tone

You promised we'll never break up
over the telephone
You said our love was stronger
than an ocean apart

Time goes by and people lie
and everything goes too fast

Let's not fool ourselves in vain
this far away trip will give us pain
We'll have to be so strong
to keep our love from going wrong

Distance will make us cold
even put our love on hold
But soon we'll meet again
and soon it'll be bright at noon again

You promised not to lose faith
in our love when i'm away
You promised so much to me
but now you've left me

We go by and then we lie
and all this time we wasted
Time goes by
and people lie
and everything goes too fast

Time went by
and then we died
and everything went too fast

everything went too fast
everything went too fast
everything went too fast

- Julie Delpy / Before Sunset