Dream of a Ros

Wow, my blog is turning into a full-blown Dream Journal, but I swear I will balance it with the realities of my days! I think the dream state has become emphasized as a result of the processing of my break up.

DREAM:

Okay, first, in waking state, I got this "wink" from somebody who saw my personal ad. Yes, I did it. I put out a personal ad shortly after being dumped. Partly because I was like, fuck it, whatever, I gotta move on, and partly because, fuck it, I AM ready to move on! Heh heh... So I have my ad in several places looking for friends and dates. Well, I got this "wink" from a boy and I thought he was cute. I get tons of "winks" because they are safe for people to send and they don't cost anything, but I rarely find them interesting enough to respond to. This guy was cute and interesting, though.

So when I went to bed, I dreamt about him, but not REALLY him... I dreamt that I got an email from him and he said he really looked forward to going out with me before he had to leave the country. I noticed that he signed his email with a name that looked Icelandic, but I don't know how I thought/knew that. Then I noticed a link in his signature that was for the Sigur Ros web site! I followed it and realized this guy was the lead singer for Sigur Ros!! I could not believe the guy from Sigur Ros was asking me out!! I was so excited in my dream!

I love Sigur Ros because their music is so mournful and emotional and the crescendos are intoxicating. Add to that the reviews that call the lead singer "Elizabeth Fraser in a gay man's body", (my all-time, most-influential, inspirational person to me on the planet!) well, how freaked out excited could you possibly get me?!

If you have not seen or heard Sigur Ros, try starting with this video. Watch closely, all the way through to the end. It is the most beautiful and sad thing EVER. Follow this link and watch the second video down, called: "viðrar vel til loftárása"







Of course, it was all just a dream.

WAKING STATE:
Okay, so in "reality", I am healing, moving on... I can't believe how fast I am processing this! I am actually kind of excited. When I was in my worst state of anger about Nick dumping me, I decided to do this meditation called "decording". It's a way of separating your energy from another person, or group of people. I wanted to do it as a way to kind of punish Nick, actually. I thought, fine, if you can so easily dump me, I am severing all ties with you and you will be left with a husk of a relationship with now hope for a future with me! Within hours of doing the meditation, freeing the energy between us, I started feeling AMAZING! I started seeing him in a very compassionate light, full of love and acceptance for the bravery of his choice (he really did not hurt me or intend to hurt me), and I saw that my worth was not tied to his interpretation of me or our relationship! The freeing feeling was AWESOME! Suddenly I was very excited about just being the best of friends and my moving on to find a more appropriate boyfriend who really shared in the same interests and hopes, which Nick and I did not. I could easily take Nick back in a heartbeat. I think I would love him as completely with or without the label of "Boyfriend", but I realize it is a nice thing for me NOT to be with someone who doesn't want me like that.

Interestingly, since the meditation, I have been reunited with two guys from a time when I first met Nick. They are guys I would have gone out with, but I had already started dating Nick! So now I can go out with them if I want! I know for a fact that one of them is interested, already telling me that he has waited for years to hear that I wasn't with Nick anymore, so we could "snuggle and kiss and date"! He said he always knew Nick never wanted me as much as other guys seemed to want me. Whatever. Everyone wants what they don't have. The true test is wanting it after it is yours, and nurturing it for the years to come. Sigh...

I don't know if I am really ready for seriously dating, but it's nice to know that I might be able to do so when I am ready.

DREAM

I dreamt last night that I had discovered a new love for someplace in Europe, but I am not sure where I was. I have never been to Europe in my waking life. I was much younger in my dream, which has never happened before. I always dream of me as either non-age specific or my current age, but in this dream I was just about 20 years old. Apparently, I had gone to this place in Europe and had left to go back to the States. I guess I had just returned and had worked really hard to be able to come back. I vaguely think there was someone there whom I had fallen in love with and had vowed to return to him, but now I couldn't find him. I remember walking down this lovely, quiet street and feeling so alone, but so happy to be back at the same time.

At one point I was standing in front of this house that sat on this street nearly by itself. I knew my mom lived there, but I never did see her in the dream. I just knew she was there. I was standing around outside this house when a car pulled up about a half-block away. It pulled up onto the sidewalk and parked. All of its doors opened, and I was already half-running to the car. It was the women from the STARTING OVER house! What the..??!!

They all got out of the car as if they had expected to see me, and though I appeared to have expected to see them, I was also SO happy to see these familiar faces! I hugged Hannah and discovered since I had seen her last, she had damaged/injured her neck and back and was in minor pain. Karen is the one who appeared to be happiest to see me, with a huge, tight hug!

We were all walking back down the street toward the house where my mom lived.

I woke up.

NOTES: I do love that STARTING OVER reality show! I think it is one of my all-time favorites of the reality tv phenomenon. I wonder if I dreamt this because of my recent breakup with Nick.

DEAD IS DEAD IS DEAD

Nick informed me tonight that he made yet another confusing choice in asking me to be his boyfriend again... he dumped me AGAIN tonight. My heart really hurts now, after working so hard to open back up over the beginning of the week when he told me he had made a mistake and wanted me back.

I wonder how many people can say they have been dumped by a boyfriend twice within two weekends.

Everything seems so flattened right now, but I know I will be ok. Someone will really care about me someday, want me, and keep me. For now, that person will have to remain just me,... and, of course, Cyprus... my best friend.

God, I can't believe this happened to me! I feel so stupid.

Good Night, Nick.

DREAMING OF ME

Wow, another great dream! I am back on track in recalling! YAY!

DREAM:

For some reason, I have rarely if ever dreamt about Nick.




Maybe it's because he is on my mind and in my life so much anyway that my night time is for other adventures? Anyway, I had a dream with him, finally!

Now that I am writing this, I am unclear as to the details, dammit, but Nick and I were out and about, but for some reason got on a wrong train or something. We ended up somewhere that was confusing, but still kind of familiar. I don't know how this merged together, but somehow we found some tickets to a show of some sort. The tickets were for only part of an event that had varying levels of possible participation. Our tickets were ONLY for the show, so we could not stay for any receptions or discussions, or whatever. I don't even remember seeing the show, but I know we went.

After the show, we were laughing and trying to figure out where/what to do next, so we started working our way through this place. It seemed we were in a mall of some sort, but it was long, the way outdoor plazas are designed. We worked our way through and by many, many stores, and we began to wonder how we were to get out of this place.

Finally, we found a fast food restaurant that was interesting enough to eat the food, so we were standing in line. As Nick got the food, I was called over by someone at a table who informed me that we had to pay for the tickets we had found earlier. I tried to explain that we had found them, but that didn't matter since we had used them. He said we would be billed on our Credit Card for $14.95 each. This upset me because we had only seen the show, but participated in nothing else, and he was charging us for the entire event. We should have been paying only $6.

We were both annoyed, but just resigned to paying the price. Suddenly I saw a door that appeared to lead outside! I rushed over and stepped through to see where we were. I couldn't figure out anything except that there was a restaurant across the street called SWOOP, which was a Soup and Sandwich shop! I looked up at the lettering above the doorway I had stepped through and it read: SWOOP & PASTA. I guess it was because it sold soup, sandwiches, and pastas/salads.

That's all I remember, EXCEPT that at some point amid all of this, I was flirting with Nick, then lifted him onto my shoulders with his legs over them, FACING ME, so my face was in his crotch! We were getting all bizarrely sexual, but someone walked in on us and we stopped, though we weren't that embarrassed.

What the hell is going on in my lil head!!?? heh heh

PS: Nick and I are officially dating again...

DREAM A LITTLE DREAM

I haven't recalled a dream very clearly in a long time, which is very odd for me. I usually have very bizarre, detailed, intense dreams that can become epic, lasting over several nights of sleep. I love it!

Lately, however, I have not recalled much at all.

Last night, the clarity and recall returned. I always post my dreams in my journal for future reference because the insights gained from watching your dream patterns can be profound and even prophetic.

DREAM
I dreamt I was in a "duplex". Not the two-story version of a duplex, but the kind that refers to a two homes, separate, but completely connected. I was in one side with Cyprus and some other people, I am not sure. I do know that Taren was with me.




At some point I realized that Taren had wandered off and had entered the other home/apartment that was part of the duplex. I knew that the previous tenants had only recently moved, and when I entered into the apartment where Taren already was, I was very uneasy about being in there.

Taren was rummaging through all of the stuff that the tenants had left behind, unconcerned about whether we should be in there, or not. Though the apartment was bleak, dirty, messy, and poorly lit, she expressed how much she would love to move into it so she could live next door. For some reason, I knew this was not an easy option, so I expressed support that we would have to check out how she could go about doing it.

Suddenly, through the window, I could see that the manager of the grounds for the duplexes was coming toward us. Taren had turned on some lights, so it was obvious we were in there. I thought fast and told Taren to just play along. She went to a rickety kitchen table and sat as I answered the door when the manager knocked. He knew I was from the other part of the duplex and asked how I was settling in. He asked if Cyprus was around so he could finalize the lease with us. Then he asked Taren if she was ready to sign HER lease!

I have no idea how I thought this would fly, but I guess I assumed that the manager was just making rounds to finalize leases for all new move-ins (I remembered that he was coming to see us in our own apartment), and that he MIGHT just assume Taren was a new move-in! He sat down with her, went over the lease, she signed it, and they shook hands! She was so happy!! I couldn't believe what had just happened, but I was so happy for her and happy that she would be our neighbor.

Any interpretations?

REINCARNATION of a RELATIONSHIP

After a weekend of tears, kindness, understanding, and patience, Nick has now decided that staying with me is the right choice. He proposed this to me today. No matter what would happen, I had decided I would never have hard feelings about a break up, and that I would make the best in whatever position I created or found myself. It never crossed my mind that Nick would ever dump me, and it didn't cross my mind that he would have such a swift realization as to what he truly wanted since the breakup. Now I am in a weird state of mind and heart. Do just let myself be whipped around by Nick's indecision and confusion? Do I just admit that I do understand his position and just relax back into the relationship with a continued passion? On the one hand, I am in love with Nick and can easily accept a life with him indefinitely. On the other hand, considering his inability to accept the reality of responsibility to nurture an indefinite commitment, I might need to be more focused on my career and casual dating?

I don't know... I do know that my relationship with Nick would never "end" or "die", but it would always find a means to grow to accommodate our growth as friends first.

Any advice or comments? Use the link below!

R.I.P. Troy N Nick: 2000 - 2004

After nearly 4 years, it is over...





But is it the end...?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US!

Since my and Nick's Birthdays are so close together (20th & 29th), we not only celebrate them separately, but we gather a gang and celebrate together.

This past Saturday we went to one of our top favorite restaurants in Manhattan, CARAVAN OF DREAMS: An amazing, vegan, totally organic heaven of foods. They have an extensive Raw (aka "Live") menu (meaning that the foods are either literally uncooked, or they have not been cooked above a certain, low temperature) that is incredibly delicious enough to convince me that I can move beyond my Veganism some day! For now, I will just settle with being Vegan. I'm at about 90% dairy-free! YAY! It's not been difficult at all. I used to read Tarot Cards at Caravan of Dreams a long time ago, so it has a special little place in my heart...

After our wonderful dinner, which was given to Nick and me from Thzaira (Thanks, Thzaira!!), we went to THE SLIPPER ROOM in the Lower East Side for a raunchy, playful, overcrowded burlesque show! An asian girl go-go danced for about 30 minutes while the room continued to fill up, and she was so boring. It was like watching a 9-year old boy caught in a spider's web.

Finally, a giant, blue, high-heeled-glass-slippered, glittery, camouflaged, homo bunny took over the room as MC. He was hilarious. At one point some girl was pushing and shoving and screaming out, "hey, mister bunny!" She got on my nerves so much that I "corrected" her and told her it wasn't a bunny, but "the tick" (from the cartoon series) So she started yelling out, "Hey, TICK!!" The homo bunny whipped his head around and put his hand on his hip and laid into her!! He lisped out, "Listen, you waspy bitch! I am a homosexual and I don't have no problem hittin' a girl! Take your New Jersey Bridal Party and go to the back of the room!!" HA HA HA!!! Of course, he was trying to be caustic and funny, but she did shut up and stop pushing. Hee hee...

Cyprus and Taren were finally able to get seats, and so did Nick and I, but Josh, Jennifer and Jeannie were stuck in the crowd, so they left fairly quickly. After the first set of strippers, which were really hilarious skits and just plain fun, Nick started getting whiny and wanting to leave, so I obligated myself to escort him out and home. I was actually glad to be home fairly early, but I was really enjoying the show.

Cyprus and Taren stayed and I hear the second part of the show was over-the-top hilarity. At one point, Taren had smacked the homo bunny's ass, so he grabbed her by the hair, dragged her onto the stage, whipped her around, pulled her pants down, and started spanking her bare ass in front of the entire venue!! HA HA HA!!

We will be going back, more than likely, for our Valentine's Night Out together!

Ahhhh... New York. I love our home...

PHOTOS from BIRTHDAY WEEKEND