hospital

just a quick note that my condition is getting so bad that i may have to be hospitalized. i will know more, later. i hope i have good news soon.

Did You Send The Faeries?

THE FAERIES ARE COMING?

I had an amazing "dream" this morning. I have to put dream in quotes because it was not a normal dream that I have ever had. I have had the range of dreams from basic symbolic dreams to Lucid Dreaming, but this was... different. Not only was I awake as far as I could tell, but I was aware enough to discern that I wasn't dreaming. I was able to watch what I saw unfold and choose to allow it, and also to consider the source from where it was coming. I'm not saying I wasn't dreaming, but that it SEEMED that I was totally awake and aware, but who knows with these things.

See, I "dreamt" that faeries were swarming my chest this morning. Hundreds and hundreds of bright, quiet, dutiful, tiny, little faeries in a organized pattern swarming from one corner of the bed, down across my right shoulder, landing on my chest in a pattern of my lungs, transferring something either to or from little spots in my chest, and then each moving on, being replaced immediately by the next, so that it was a constant wave. It was like a river of glittery, shimmering lights that weren't too bright or incredible, just pretty. My chest was constantly covered, with each faerie landing, transferring something, and then leaving, only to be replaced by the next. It was like a highly-organized hive of some insect feeding on me, or planting something on me, in this swarm of light and gentle, breezy wings. They were SO tiny and fast! I know there were a handful of them directing the flow and traffic of the swarm, and I remember thinking how perfectly smooth the flow was.

LIGHT OF MY LUNGS

I did have enough sense about me to think, "I don't even believe in this shit. I don't believe in FAERIES! Please." It then occurred to me that this "energy" may have been sent by someone who DOES believe in things like this and somehow it sustained its shape to the point where I was able to experience it without distorting it. I kept thinking, "wow, someone sent their faeries to heal me." And I went with that. I lay back down and watched the soft-light show, listened to the bristling buzz, and fell back asleep.

The strange thing was that when I woke up again, they were still there, but in less numbers, like the process was almost finished, but still in progress. All I knew was that I was happy with what it felt like they were doing and I lay back down and rest, assured.

I woke up one more time to see only a small quantity of these little faeries remaining, finishing up with my chest, and then they were all gone.

I thought this was one of the strangest, most beautiful dreams I have had in a long time. And I do wonder if someone sent me their idea of "faerie energy" for healing!

If you did, it got to me!

Pneumonia Blues

EVIL PNEUMONIA

I don't seem to be getting better, but I can't tell, really. This pneumonia symptoms come and go with severity throughout the day. All I know is that for the most part, I am in serious pain and aching and lack of breath more often than not. I am on day four of the antibiotics, and the doctor said I shouldn't expect any signs of getting better until the actual last day of the treatment, so I still have hope.

Please keep me in your sweet thoughts and good energy.

A = GOOD LUNGS

B = PNEUMONIA LUNGS (especially left side)

vlog: X-ray Day

ON THE WAY TO X-RAY-VILLE

Okay, most of you probably don't know that over the past week or so I have slowly lost my ability to move without losing all ability to breath properly. It started slowly and then became debilitating over a few days. I tried to just let it pass, at first, but it became apparent that I was becoming seriously compromised when I would have to crawl through the door of the apartment after climbing the steps, and lie for about 15 minutes recovering, panting, coughing, and panicking. I am in great shape from walking dogs and I climb stairs on a regular basis, so to become crippled like this was very shocking.

I finally made an appointment with a doctor. I was worried about this because I am foreign and have no insurance, but I was taken in with no qualms, as long as I paid cash, which ended up being surprisingly less-expensive than any American doctor I had ever seen.

I don't actually see a lot of doctors in my life because I am lucky to be really healthy, but for the times I have had to go to the hospital, I have never been able to pay the hundreds and hundreds of dollars charged for making me wait for hours, then sending me home with nothing but a prescription that I can't afford on top of the bill.

Still, my first doctor visit revealed nothing to the doctor as I showed nothing visually as symptoms, except that my breathing was labored and short. He checked my lungs with a stethoscope and said whatever I had would pass. He then set me up with a prescription for something related to asthma relief.

As soon as I got the medication I took it, especially since the doctor and pharmacist insisted it would have me feeling better within 10 minutes! I was thrilled! All I had to do was crack this pill inside some kind of inhaler, breathe in (which was very difficult to do), and I was set! I took the medicine and went on my merry way to see Jip's play that evening, thinking I was going to be well in no time.

Ten minutes passed and nothing was better.

I took another dosage, thinking I may have done it wrong the first time since I couldn't really breathe in that easily.

I got to Jip's area of town where the play was and realized I was in worse shape than I had been the entire time. I had to turn around and go right back home, but not before forcing myself to buy groceries for our hopeful dinner together and then standing and staring up at the glass-enclosed space where I knew his play was being performed, seeing people milling about, and wishing so desperately to be better so I wouldn't miss his play. I hated having to go back home... but it was a good thing I did.

Except, since I thought I may have taken the first and second doses incorrectly, I went ahead and took TWO MORE, because the prescription was for 4 pills a day, and I was now certain I should be taking them all at once. (Language barriers can leave you with a lot of confusion in some situations -- okay, leave ME with a lot of confusion.)

For the next two days, I lay in misery, shakes, breathless, and feverish, dehydrated, and with one of the worst headaches I have ever had, some of it from whatever I had as an illness, and the rest brought on by the overdose of the medication.

Jip made another doctor appointment for me on a day when he could go with me so he could push any issues using Dutch, if he had to. He totally had my back, and was all puffed up and ready to fight for me if I wasn't taken seriously. Adorable! Adorable, I say!

The doctor asked a few questions, which I wheezed through, and he finally commented, "well, you do look rather sick now, compared to last time." He still just kind of stared at me and shrugged his shoulders, suggesting he had no idea what it was. I suggested that I might have a pneumonia that would require an X-ray to diagnose, and he obliged us with an appointment at the hospital. I don't know what he would have said if I hadn't suggested this, but it seemed to me that he would have been pretty clueless. That's been my experience with most doctors, though: I am the one who tells them what I have, and not the other way around.

Jip escorted me to the hospital, which took a lot of time and effort as I could barely move or breathe, but we got there. We found the X-ray section and didn't wait long, getting my X-rays within minutes, and having the technician come out shortly after... but during those minutes of waiting, Jip and I started running all kinds of crazy thoughts through our heads in worst-case scenarios, catching ourselves, and then trying to keep our spirits up.

AWAITING X-RAY

This was all made worse when the technician came out and said that what he could see was not normal and that he needed others to check the images before he could tell us what to do.

So now Jip and I are in slight panics, with even some choked-back tears, and "we shouldn't be thinking like this" moments.

And then the tech came out and said that it was advised we get to the emergency room right away, based on what was being seen in the images. Jip tried to press for what was wrong, and the tech just said, "If the infiltrate is small, it will be okay, but if it's big, it will be serious." He couldn't explain to us what "infiltrate" meant in medical terms, so we just hurried on to the emergency room. Well, I hobbled meaningfully in that direction.

As we finally entered the emergency room and took a seat, Jip commented that in emergency rooms, only those with serious emergencies get called in before others, so as long as we weren't being called, that was a good sign.

We got called upon immediately.

We were led to a room where I was questioned about my previous health history, had all of my vitals checked, gave blood for testing, and then a doctor spoke to me about the situation.

She basically said that there was definitely an infection in my lungs, but they needed to know what kind of infection so they could properly recommend treatment. In the meantime, she had a lot of questions about my experience with the development of the symptoms, and the scariest part was asking if I was HIV+, because "we usually don't see this kind of infection outside of those with seriously-compromised immune systems." I didn't want to get into a huge debate about the lack of science behind HIV testing and the whole AIDS theory, but I told her I hadn't been tested in a long time. Of course, this sent Jip and I into new territories of fear and anxiety as we were now left to wait for the blood tests. The only thing of which we were assured, and this was because Jip made sure he asked anyone who might have an answer, was that I would not be dying that day.

So Jip and I waited, and waited, and waited, and the anxiety levels peaked and then fell away to exhaustion and restlessness...

The doctor finally called on us and Jip and I were taken into a room for discussion. I was intuitively feeling pretty good about everything in general, but it is amazing how much fear can cloud your senses as it tries to prepare you for the worst threats you can think of.

I told I was going to be fine... that my vitals were all great, my blood sugar was balanced, my oxygen in my blood is healthy, and my blood was free from any immuno-deficiencies. In other words, I was perfectly healthy, except for what I had... which turned out to be "atypical pneumonia," though a rare strain, according to the doctor. Atypical Pneumonia is often called WALKING Pneumonia, since it shows very little symptoms, sometimes not even showing in X-rays.

I was given a prescription for 7 days of Antibiotics for treatment, with the assurance that it should knock it out within those 7 days. YAY!!! And even though I was just diagnosed with a potentially-deadly disease, I felt such relief! Not only from the fact that I think this will pass easily now that I have something specific to treat, and it will be treated properly, but also because of all of the good health feedback!

I have rarely had to go to the doctor in my life, except in some rare emergencies, so I have been really lucky, and I have given a lot of trust to my body and intuition in my life, but I knew I needed to see a doctor this time, and it was great to hear some validation of my little body's health... poor little thing, dragging me around all day the way it does.

Oh, and one of the fun parts of the day for Jip, of course, was getting to see me squirm, shirtless and shy, twice today, as I got examined. I normally hate being exposed and I had to be all cool and calm and let Jip just get his eye-full of candy before I finally had to just tell him to stop staring. Here I am, wheezing and folded and having no strength to even try to be sexy, but somehow I guess it still comes through... even as I have pneumonia. I really wanted to hate that I was being exposed like that, but there was something just as healing in that exposure as there was in the feedback about my good health.

Thanks to everyone who has sent support, love, donations, and healing my way. This illness has taken a toll in a lot of ways, so your help is really appreciated. Thanks to my dear friends for being so concerned about me and wishing to be with me by my side as I deal with this, and I am so sorry I am so far away.

And thank you to Jip, who has gone above and beyond in taking care of me and making sure I am treated properly. Seriously, I would not have been able to be helped today, if not for him, so send Jip a LOT of love.

I love you, Jip. There, I said it.

The following is a surprise video Jip made of me after our long day at the hospital, walking on the subway platform, and in between breathing attacks... we were so relieved at this point.

One-Minute Wander: X-ray Day from CocteauBoy on Vimeo

vlog: HEY CHICKENS!

Yesterday on my way to Jip's play, I found an abandoned boat along the canal with some strange birds making a little home for their family. I thought you might get a kick of of this:

One-Minute Wanders: HEY CHICKENS! from CocteauBoy on Vimeo

And for those who don't know me very well, I call any bird I see on the street a Chicken; even the pigeons. I just think it's funny. I like to make myself laugh.

Heh heh...

The Meaning of Meaning

Here is another excerpt from some recent channeling for a group online:

EXCERPT:

Many of you search for meaning and truth within this life, in general, and this gets played out in the microcosmic level, if you will, within your relationships. However, as your soul matures, so does your realizations regarding Meaning and Truth. And as with the realization that will one day be found by all of you about life, the same will be found in regard to your relationships at some point: THERE IS NO MEANING TO BE FOUND.

This threshold of realization can be one of the most terrifying crossroads for any Essence and particularly for the Personality within a lifetime that finally grasps this Universal Truth.

MEANING DOES NOT EXIST AS SOMETHING TO BE FOUND.
MEANING IS SOMETHING THAT ONE MUST CREATE.

Note that we have not said that there is NO meaning, simply that it cannot be FOUND; it must be CREATED.

Only insofar as you are participating in the creation of meaning in your life and in your relationships will you experience the discovery. Many of you tend to find that your relationships must come with a built-in significance that is unveiled and discovered as one assumes past lives are involved, Essence Contact, Cadre and Entity resonance, or Agreements, but this is simply not the case. In every moment one has to create meaning between who you are and to that which you are relating. Beyond that, everything else is simply information, static facts. The profound resonance one may find with another is NOT the meaning that will be the foundation of the relationship. That attraction is only the memory of other meanings, other facts, and the initiator of contact, but it is NOT the meaning. This holds true for those relationships that are not pleasant, as well, or that are anticipated with dread. The meaning you "find" within those instances are as created by you as any of your most profound joys between you and another.

The longer you wait for meaning to be revealed to you, the longer you will remain asleep and in the negative poles of your Overleaves. We call this "meaninglessness" of life a Universal Truth because that is what it is, and it is True, with or without your approval. However, as with any Universal Truth, it is not a truth that can be told to you, or given to you, and then made true for you; it must be sensed, searched for, evolved, and then comprehended. By this we mean that you must eventually feel you have had the proof you need for this truth to be a Truth.

For most of you, we believe you have found the proof of meaninglessness in many of your daily activities and long-term goals, as well as within your most beloved relationships and repulsive enemies. You SENSE this meaninglessness as a Truth because part of you is beginning to suspect that meaning is not inherent, it is created. It is yours. You have seen the proof of this in your fluctuating feelings and commitments to those things to which you relate. One day you may feel inspired and in awe of the one beside you in bed, and the next day you may feel repulsed and agitated with a sense that feels overwhelming to ponder.

It should be noted that there are 3 Arcs of Meaning to be created within a life and within relationships. A FOUNDATIONAL ARC exists as the primary meaning across which all effort ranging from basic nurturing to ultimate agape within that relationship or life is motivated. The Foundational Arc is the arc to which one must always remain close as the shorter arcs fluctuate. The Foundational Arc is what remains even when the life is completed or a relationship appears to have ended. If one were to think of the Foundational Arc as the full potential meaning that one creates for the life or relationship, it would not be amiss.

Within the Foundational Arc is the CONTEXTUAL ARC, which gives variation of meaning within the larger arc, relative to specific experiences for the day, month, year, etc. The Contextual Arc can sometimes seem to conflict with the Foundational Arc, but understanding the meaning you have created within these specific experiences can help you to understand who you are, more than it is to be used to determine the fate of a relationship or life. Thinking of the Foundational Arc as the rainbow of potential within the life or relationship, then the Contextual Arcs are the colors through which that Foundation is explored.

Within the Contextual Arcs are the MOOD ARCS, which give clever expression to the flow of ones overall tone of intellectual, emotional, physical states at any given time, which is much like the HUE for the COLOR that is the current Contextual Arc. Mood Arcs are often THE meaning that one is most aware of and can often destroy the meaning that was created as a foundation. To know of your Mood Arcs can save your life or relationship.

Foundational Arcs are THE MEANING I CREATE AS POTENTIAL FOR THIS LIFE OR RELATIONSHIP.

Contextual Arcs are THE MEANING I CREATE FROM THE EXPERIENCES I AM HAVING WITHIN THIS LIFE OR RELATIONSHIP.

Mood Arcs are THE MEANING I CREATE ABOUT MYSELF IN RELATION TO THE EXPERIENCES I AM HAVING RIGHT NOW.

It is over the month of May and June that you may see more of this proof of meaninglessness that then, ironically, opens your entire world to a new level of absolute meaning. The meaning you create within your life and within your relationships is the direct expression of your consciousness and Essence at any given time. In other words, the meaning you create is the path for your soul to enter into the world around and beyond you and to bring back the experiences to help support in that meaning.

So as you struggle with the meaning you see and feel around you, you may find the WHAT THE HELL??? phrase to be of use to you. This will allow you the levity to create the meaning you feel is relevant to you in the moment, or to allow room for the shifts in meaning that do tend to happen as you shift in consciousness and Essence Manifestation.

END EXCERPT

So what does this mean to you?

What to Expect from Expectations

Some of you know the work I do and that it involves channeling an entity everyone calls "Michael." I just thought I'd share some excerpts from a recent session that seemed to really hit home with me and many others. It's not "new" information, but it was just timely for a lot of us. Let me know what you think.

[Question] Could you suggest exercises or information that would aid with the ability to let go of expectation(s)?

[Michael Entity] Yes: to allow yourself the freedom of expectations. This is the only means you have for learning to navigate your expectations. To "let go" of expectation is about as useful as giving up your legs; yes, it can be done, but mobility is not enhanced by doing so.

Embracing your expectations is to embrace your inner map. However, the expectations that are often felt to be so compelling are simply not the truth of that inner map. To allow the embrace of those expectations can often then reveal the truth of this, and allow for more appropriate desires to lead the way.

Expectation is neutral. Your ability to use the tool of expectation is a spectrum. There is a negative form of expectation and a positive form. To expect that the sun will rise can be seen to be quite natural. To expect a loved one to conform to your ideals is quite another end of the spectrum. In this case, it could then be said that TRUST is the positive pole of Expectation and DEMAND is the negative pole. To demand that the sun rise as you will it in the middle of the night is as fruitless as forcing upon another your ideals. To trust that your loved one can find his or her own path of expression and truth despite your ideals is as beautiful an expectation as one that allows the sun to rise on its own.

If there is pain involved in your experience of expectation, it is quite likely that it is in the realm of DEMANDS. In this case, one must do the work of exploring WHY one would have such demands and then allow room for a shift of attention. In most cases of DEMAND, or painful expectation, one is in a self-karmic cycle of punishment, either upon the self or upon another. There is a perpetual investment in the Demand until there is vindication. To understand that this is a cycle of punishment will often allow room for the true inner map to be found and a new peaceful navigation to be found.

To understand that this is a cycle of punishment is to surrender to the truth that "you will never be right." When Expectations are painful, when they are DEMANDS, you can never be right. You can only impose your will, if that, but you will never be right. To grasp the reality that there may be more to you than being right can be a disturbing buoy to free oneself from. But there is so much more to you. Demands lead to unfulfilled expectations, which is a root of anger, which is a form of punishment.

It is quite obvious to most of you as to where you are Demanding and where you are Trusting. Free yourselves to navigate more gently, softly, and you will find your expectations have clues, motivations, and magnetism within them that are a part of your true inner map.

NOTE: We use the statement "you will never be right" as it relates to this particular experience, not as an implication that there is actually a wrong or right.

To learn more about my work with Michael, channeling, and the services that I provide, check out: http://www.TruthLoveEnergy.com

vlog: LOVE FEAST

Oh, rather than wait until I have the time and focus for a big post, I like getting these One-Minute Wanders up for everyone. The feedback really helps me feel close to everyone, so thank you for that!

In this episode, Jip introduces me to his favorite snack shack during a little special outing together, and we prove that we are too fancy and gourmet for most people. So grab a napkin and pull up a chair! Wish you were here!

One-Minute Wanders: LOVE FEAST from CocteauBoy

More in-depth coverage coming soon!

vlog: THE PERFECTION OF CHAOS

I have a very big blog entry coming up, but I did want to get this One Minute Wander up here to share.

This is a typical intersection in Amsterdam. This intersection isn't even really that bad, and to capture the multitude of directions for which a person has to be aware just can't be captured on my little camera. I think you will get the gist, though. I adapted to it pretty easily, but I do feel lucky that I have had my many years of New York experiences to prepare me. I feel so bad for the tourists who aren't used to anything more than a single car at an intersection. Be sure to keep your eye on the tourist looking dumbfounded and confused, checking her map, with her big fanny pack, who almost gets killed by the trolley that comes out of nowhere!

One-Minute Wanders: THE PERFECTION OF CHAOS on Vimeo