For My Birthday

Well, folks, I have turned THIRTY-EIGHT! Wow. Thirty Eight. 38. It's so amazing to me. It freaks me out when I talk to a 22 year old person who says he or she feels "old," and that getting older sucks. Sorry, but I LOVE IT! I think people have it all wrong. LIKING getting older is what maintains your youth, not dreading it. Can you imagine how much energy is put into the stress of your body as you resist getting older? And if you hate the idea of getting older, doesn't that just mean that you are working really hard on dying faster? Hating getting older is what makes you OLD. Get it?

Anyway, I was thinking about birthdays, and birthday wishes, and gifts, etc. and I wondered about what I might really REALLY want, if I could have anything. I figured it out, pretty fast. So, for my birthday, and as part of my wish, I invite you to help fulfill that wish, because MY wish isn't just mine. It's just that I have the ability and the voice to express this wish. For those who wish the same as I, they are not able to share with you how many billions stand behind me in wanting this single wish to come true. In fact, even when they scream out in hopes that my wish will come true, they are dismissed, discarded, and even rendered invisible on a multitude of levels.

So I ask that each of the readers of this mostly-boring blog, SugarHiccup-Hiccup. please choose just ONE, if not ALL, of the videos below as a means to help bring my wish into reality. To help bring into reality the wishes of the billions who die and suffer every day,... for no reason, except because of our ignorance and greed.

What is my wish?

I wish for the world to care enough.

I wish for you to care at all.

[tip: click the PLAY button, then quickly PAUSE it, until you see that most of the download has finished, then click PLAY again; this will make the video play better!]

CHEW ON THIS: reasons to choose vegetarianism


FREE ME: goldfinger music video


MEET YOUR MEAT

Feedblitz

For those of you who have been a lovely part of NOTIFYLIST.com, which is how I send out an alert to you about new entries and all that good stuff, I will no longer be using that service. Please use the form below to add yourself to a new, improved, WAY better service that will keep each of you connected and updated with me and sugarhiccup-hiccup! Not only will this alert you to blog entries, but to images I add to my Flickr.com page! YAY! Seriously, who wouldn't want to be a part of all of that!!?? Show the love! AND it's my birthday, today! So there! XOXO

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My Reality TV is not Black & White

BOYFRIEND TROY & BOYFRIEND CLEM
in The Puck Building

Great. Construction in my building involving electricity is causing a strong wavering on my computer monitor today, causing everything to shimmy and shake on the screen as I try to concentrate. Lovely. AND my floors and walls are shaking so badly that books are coming off of shelves. Living here has become more an invasion than a sanctuary and I cannot wait to move. I am so sick of it.

Anyway, enough bitching...

Recently, Clem and I went to his company's holiday party; delayed due to the Transit Strike. I met some really sweet, kind people with whom he works. Since Clem works for a charity organization, there are probably, naturally, going to be some kind-hearted people within; plus Clem just seems to attract and maintain nice people, anyway.

Going as Clem's "boyfriend" was interesting, and since I am used to dating guys who usually slice a line between us in public as a way to avoid self-consciousness and judgments from other people, I was very impressed and felt so alive in the fact that it never even occurred to him to bring me if he couldn't stand with me as a couple. It doesn't matter that we live in New York City, or that I may be a part of a legitimate couple; it is still ingrained in a large part of gay culture to hide who we are as a means to keep the peace and fit in. It's like we believe we can be accepted in small doses, so don't stand too close together; or that we can be accepted, as long as the implication of actual, sexual, intimate contact isn't involved, so, for god's sake, DON'T TOUCH or even worse, KISS!

I am finding that Clem is the kind of guy who would rather lose his job than to lose his dignity and integrity as a human being. He would rather endure the possibility of a judgmental glance than to endure a false division between us to protect ignorant people. He would rather people learn from example and experience, than to remain stuck in fear over some incorrect idea about what a gay couple is. For these reasons (and many others), it is easy to continue a timid, but unimpeded, path of Love with Clem. Sighhh...

Toward the end of the night of the party, a lovely Black man came to join us lingering folks who were enjoying light-hearted banter about things in life. He was very composed, with his very nice dreds pulled back carefully, and he crossed his legs conclusively as he began to chime into our playful and lively interaction. His participation in the discussion only lasted about 3 minutes before he hijacked us into the direction of RACISM. I don't know if I even recall exactly how he did it, but somehow he found a vague window of opportunity and slammed the subject down into the middle of a party. His first claims were that one of the White girls there wouldn't know what "struggle" is because she was raised "White." She kindly suggested him that color has NOTHING to do with how we experience or attract "struggle" in life. She went on to say that she has come a long way beyond her own painful past that involved abuse and poverty and that just because she is White does not mean she was privileged. This prompted me to suggest that the root of most divisions among people is in CLASSISM, not Racism, and that I feel it is a disservice to the real issue of Racism to automatically call every challenge as being sourced in some kind of Racist motivation.

Well, this spun him completely out of control and there became no room for discussion after this. He then went into the canned responses that White People are automatically RACISTS, just by the nature of their color, and that Black People are incapable of Racism, since they are so oppressed. He raised his voice to the point of causing people to leave the room, flailing his arms, leaning into my face, pointing his fingers into my chest, and all the while screaming at me that it is just so typical of a WHITE MAN to not let him get a word in edgewise.

WHAT???!!!

He would not let me speak. He would not let us have a discussion. He would have nothing to do with my suggestion that his behavior, beliefs, and attitude were part of the very thing locking himself into the reality against which he fights. I mean, if he could suddenly splash himself into a group of innocent people and without provocation immediately translate them into raging racists, then it seems to me that there is more of an investment in MAKING the world seem that way, than there is in an effort to change the world for the better.

His voice and preaching escalated into truly closing out the night with a wave of discomfort and hostility as he tried to wrangle in the Coat Check girls, who happened to be Black, pointing at me as the "Ignorant White Man."

Well this may display me as some kind of "Ignorant White Man," but I wonder how these false, rampant claims and accusations of Racism by Black people upon White people based only on the differences in the color of our skin are helpful. Is the inherent racism in that very presumption not obvious!!!??

This Reverse Racism seems to be getting worse and worse and it's becoming an ironic blow against Racial Equality in more ways than I think anyone is taking seriously. I will define "reverse racism" as a non-white person relying on the history of Racism to justify using behavior, perception, and belief to perpetuate the very Racism they claim to fight against. For instance: How can the statement that "Whites are automatically Racist" and that "Blacks are incapable of Racism" be helpful, or true? How helpful would it be for Gays and Lesbians if we were to immediately presume, and with great amounts of hostility, that all Straight people were automatically Homophobic, and that it was our place to demean them, or preach obnoxiously to them, unprovoked, about their failings as Heterosexuals and how they are to blame for our oppression?

I find that any form of oppression or -ism is something that needs to be addressed directly and toward the source. If an old man rapes someone, you don't punish his Grandson, or hold his Grandson accountable in any way. This is projection (definition: "The attribution of one's own attitudes, feelings, or suppositions to others") and displacement (definition: "A psychological defense mechanism in which there is an unconscious shift of emotions, affect, or desires from the original object to a more acceptable or immediate substitute") at its worst. Displacement and Projection are at the root of what has become termed "Reverse Racism."

The mere mention of "reverse racism" is met with scoffs, with this concept being dismissed as just another attempt by "the whites" to avoid responsibility for Racism. For instance, Tim Wise, a self-proclaimed "anti-racist" and activist/educator says:

The day that someone produces a newspaper ad that reads: “Twenty honkies for sale today: good condition, best offer accepted,” or “Cracker to be lynched tonight: whistled at black woman,” then perhaps I’ll see the equivalence of these slurs with the more common type to which we’ve grown accustomed. When white churches start getting burned down by militant blacks who spray paint “kill the honkies” on the sidewalks outside, then maybe I’ll take seriously these concerns over “reverse racism.” Until then, I guess I’ll find myself laughing at the thought of another old Saturday Night Live skit: this time with Garrett Morris as a convict in the prison talent show who sings: Gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whiteys I see. Gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whiteys I see. And once I kill all the whiteys I see Then whitey he won’t bother me Gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whiteys I see.

I cannot fathom how someone who is "anti-racist" can claim that he will only begin to take seriously the effects of "Reverse" Racism when he sees these violent and inhumane acts reported on a regular basis, and finds humor in imagining a Black man singing about killing White people. The context of his article " Honky Wanna Cracker?" is the exploration of why it is okay for minorities to speak in racists remarks against White people, explaining that because Whites are in dominant positions, these remarks have no impact. And this, from an educated Black man in a position of authority and activism!

I am sorry, but as I stood in the middle of the Puck Building as a Black man screamed, "You are a racist because you are White!" I could not help but see the blatant Racism in that very stance.

Racism is Racism. There is no real "reverse" Racism, because Racism is just that: Racism. It either is, or it isn't. It will never matter if it is directed from a successful White Man or from an oppressed Black Woman. Racism is Racism. And for the record, Racism IS NOT the same thing as PREJUDICE, which is what is more likely the case in instances of inequality or inappropriate assumptions. Prejudices can lead to Racism, but they are not the same.

Racism is defined as, "The belief that race accounts for differences in human character or ability and that a particular race is superior to others." Prejudice is defined as, "The act or state of holding unreasonable preconceived judgments or convictions." We are ALL guilty of Prejudices that we build based on fears and experiences, but it is a RARE thing to actually have a stance of Racism by definition.

When the Black man sat down with us to join our banter, my only thought was, "oh goodie, another person joining in," since I was excited to be meeting many of Clem's co-workers. His skin color didn't even occur to me. I don't know what the Black man's first thoughts were, but I can venture to guess, based on his immediate hijacking of the conversation into an opportunity to be sanctimoniously preaching, that his perceptions were colored both by Racism and Prejudice. Is his behavior excusable based on his Race's historical struggle against the White Man? Are his attacks upon White people considered justified because of claims of rampant racism? Are we Racist or anti-Racist only be definition of our skin color?

Recently, I was standing on Sixth Avenue near Cosi @ 13th Street and there is often a Black man standing along the shops asking for money. He is a tall, thin man who is always dressed in various outfits of pure white and accessories of silver; wearing huge platforms, braided, white wigs, and makeup. He stands quietly and invites donations to himself. It is always a pleasant exchange when one gives him some money, and even if you don't. His presence is just somehow spiritual and kind and peaceful. I like when I see him. He's become a well-known character along 6th Ave.

I had stopped to look in a shop window near where he was standing and I suddenly heard over the music through my headphones a lot of yelling. I caught someone shouting, "I'll give you TEN DOLLARS! Yeah, I'll give it to you! Do you really want it??!!" I turned around to find a Black man standing in front of the "homeless" Black man, opening his wallet, flipping through the 20's and 10's, all while yelling at the homeless man antagonistically and loudly. I slipped my headphones off to hear what they were saying better, and the homeless man was responding softly, timidly, kindly. He was clearly embarrassed and feeling attacked and humiliated. The Black man then went on to say, "Why are you in this GET-up!? Why do you have to dress this way!! You are no better than THE WHITES when you do this!"

WHAT???!!

The Black man continued to hold over the homeless man his promise of ten dollars if the homeless man would just accept and proclaim that he was a victim of the White Man, and that he had "sold out" by coming out onto the street in his "costume." People around them were extremely uncomfortable, not really knowing how to react to such an attack, and hoping the Black man would just back off at some point. I was in so much shock, I just stood there, but the anger and need to defend this homeless man was welling up quickly. I was beginning to feel my anger rising, not because of his references to "the white man," but because this innocent man did not deserve this public humiliation. I knew if I took any steps in that direction, I would be engaged in a battle I would probably regret. The Black man was large, menacing, angry, hateful, demeaning, and he was looking for a fight. Anyone he could catch with eye contact, he would quickly turn at them and include in his tirade about The White Man.

He continued to tell the homeless man how the White Man is the reason the homeless man was all dressed up in a costume because the White Man taught him to create a gimmick to scam people. According to this Black man screaming in the street, White People are only liars, thieves, and we are the "devil incarnate." We White People are incapable of honesty and compassion, so we create gimmicks to trick Black People into buying things. Just as I was about to lose my cool and step in to protect the homeless man, the Black man spit out his words of FUCK YOU, YOU FAGGOT NIGGER to the homeless Black man and stormed off, never giving him a cent.

Ummm, yeah, and I, through mere guilt of being a White Man, am the problem?

I may not be able to save this homeless man from the street (and there are White and Black homeless people, thank you), but I compassionately shared what little I had, along with a silent appreciation of this particular homeless man's seeming kindness, while this Black man just exploited the homeless Black man as an opportunity to preach loudly from a soap box, and giving the homeless man nothing more than public humiliation.

I find the behavior of the man at the party and this man in the street (and both are too common) encourages an undermining and dismissal of the very real problem of Racism in our world. I find this behavior and display of belief to be an extreme distortion of the truth and even more directly contributing to and perpetuating our inequality.

I can hold an intelligent discussion about Racism. I can hold an intelligent discussion about Prejudice. I can hold a fairly-intelligent discussion about most things, but how can the problems of Race and Prejudice be discussed across the borders of color when we are automatically villainized?

The entire issue of Racism is not even that complicated. It exists; we deal with it together, and call it out when it is valid. We take responsibility for our part of the problem of Prejudice, and finally we are just nice to each other, for goodness sake.

I am writing about this because it upsets me when I see a problem that is so serious being perpetuated by the very people who report to be fighting the problem. It upsets me to think that so many have moved away from Fighting Racism as a problem to using "Fighting Racism" as an Identity.

How to Date and Be Happy

Well, I suppose I should make an official announcement:

Okay, I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!

I am making this tentative announcement because some part of me is still embarrassed about my last big hoo-hah over Carlos, and now when I look back at all of my inspiration and enthusiasm, I just feel stupid. HOWEVER, these (rather mild) judgments of myself DO NOT keep me from moving forward.

So, his name is CLEM.

Clemente.

What an adorable name: Clemente. A super-smart, geeky, graceful, kind, unassuming, and loving guy with some of the nicest friends I have ever met.

I've dated a lot of guys, but this is the first time, a boyfriend's friends have actually met me with such immediate kindness and comfortable rapport. I have been laughing and hugging and exchanging insights and compliments and, my god, the most shocking thing is that I HAVE THINGS IN COMMON WITH THEM! What??? That never happens! I think it's because most of his friends are truly artistic, hooked into the fringe-dwelling world; all seeming to be products of their own, self-defined niches, so they seem to really appreciate me. In fact, I think I have friendship crushes on a few of them already.

I mean, here are just a couple of typical conversations:

"Have you heard of Cocteau Twins?"
"OMG, yes, and I have a few of their albums right here!"

Ummm, need I say more.

"Well, one of my favorite shows ever is STARTING OVER!"
"OMG, I watch it religiously! I even tried to save every episode digitally to my computer from my Tivo!!"

Ummm, AGAIN, need I say more...

Beyond the commonalities, it's just their genuine interest in asking me about me, and being so free in response to my questions to them, too. It's really comforting and something I have been missing in my life for a long, looooong, time. It's always been a fantasy of mine to actually LIKE my Boyfriend's friends, let alone BE Liked! And even MORE important than that, is that it feels like they really like or love Clem in a very peaceful, kind, and genuine way that I find very rare.

Most of Carlos's friends were really sweet and really kind, but they really had nothing in common with me at all. There was only a superficial socializing available to us, and that was fine with me.

Awwww, I do miss Carlos's friends, actually. I really grew to care about a few of them, but once Carlos dumped me, so did his friends, so whatever. I don't mind. I tried to stay in touch with a few of them, but I was promptly rejected. In fact, one of his friends actually wrote me an email to tell me to "get on with your life; go have sex with as many men as you can; isn't that what you gays do anyway?" Good god; what an idiot! If anything, that's what PEOPLE do; not just THE GAYS. LOL! In any case, it's not what *I* do.

And don't get me started on my initial contact with Nick's friends. Not a lot of warmth there, thank you very much. I was nick-named by his friends as "Toast" from the very beginning, as they didn't even expect me to be around much longer; you know, as in getting burned like Toast? Well, I got burned, but almost four years later, thank you again very much! Anyway, that relationship has been the only relationship where the friends did more to harm the relationship than either of us ever did. It took a LOT of work to get through all of that bullshit. Of course, I still got dumped in the end, LOL. But, for what it's worth, a few of his friends did come through the fire and remain in my life as people about whom I care very much. And Nick, of course, is one my Best Friends EVER, so it all worked out. Right on.

But, back to Clem:

Brave little Clem has taken on the big ole Me and, so far, the relationship has been SO refreshing and patient and embracing. I am timid about celebrating it too much right now, but suffice it to say, I am happy:

Happy because this came out of absolutely nowhere and took me by surprise in a GOOD way;
Happy because I am thrilled that I am not jaded beyond repair;
Happy that, despite how my relationships seem to transform, MOST of them are still in my life in very beautiful and powerful ways;
Happy because Clem is genuinely liking me, despite my being absolutely raw and resistant.
I'm just happy!

I really don't know how Clem won me over, but he did. And that's not the best part: the best part is that he continues to do so. Every day. In some way.

Oh, and a major fun part of our relationship is a HUGE crossover of common ground between us! I had made a psychic commitment to finally date someone who had a LOT in common with me, instead of someone who was in such opposition to me, and Clem fits perfectly into that. He shares an uncanny amount of history and preferences with me, but there is a LOT of newness that we both bring to each other, too! That part is so fun because I am not used to meeting someone who brings such immediately-compatible, new things to my life! It's so fun!

Another odd part of our relationship is the path of synchronicities that had to be in place for us to meet, AND the near-misses we discovered about our past where we COULD HAVE met... these synchronicities extend even into the present where we just discovered that one of his friends JUST MOVED INTO MY BUILDING... ACROSS THE HALL from me! We were bound to meet, it seems.

Oh, so today I was reading a pal's blog about his disappointment in the process of dating, and that prompted me to write this entry below. I thought I would share it, here, so that others might find some insight into their own dating and relationships. You never know! I wrote it in response to gay dating, but it's all really universally applicable.

1. Most people do not realize that initial attraction is almost always Body Type attraction, which is not a bad thing, but most people get stuck there. Keep in mind that Body Type attraction is valid, but we do have to get past that, if we are serious about a relationship. When you base attraction on Body Type, or "chemical attraction, " it is almost always either Narcissistic or Opposition. Both of those forms of ATTRACTION are fine, but you cannot base a RELATIONSHIP on those things. Especially when you understand these primitive forms of Attraction:

Narcissistic Attraction is based on how much the other person LOOKS LIKE YOU or how much better that person makes YOU LOOK; being attracted to the other person based on either how much he looks, acts, and is like you, or how well he will make you look by being with you. After the initial attraction, the relationship has to move on to deeper things, or a LOT of energy is needed to keep the relationship sustained at a highly superficial level. Most Narcissistic Attractions end very suddenly and with very little explanation because people who are Narcissistic will always be looking for a "better version of themselves" in other guys, instead of being concerned about BEING a better person.

Opposition Attraction is just what it sounds like, with your being attracted to someone because he is so DIFFERENT from you, in SOME way... physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, etc. This type of attraction is often connected to people who share a "savior/victim" dynamic. One person usually wants to save the other person, teach the other person, heal the other person, change the other person, while that other person then brings challenges, defiance, defense, resistance, etc. Opposition Attraction can be beautiful if both parties recognize the reality of the situation and move the relationship into a mutual arena of sharing and receiving, but too often the relationship turns smothering and tedious because, ironically, if both parties were to give in, then the roles of savior and victim are lost! Some people who are attracted to opposites do not know what to do in a relationship based on mutuality and equality, so any movement toward common ground can end the relationship.

So when you find you are initially attracted to another person, try to be honest about why, and you might find better footing with how to progress into a relationship, OR just enjoy the dynamic for what it is.

2. It's a lot healthier to think of dating as NOT (just) an opportunity to get to know the other person, but as an opportunity to practice being YOURSELF. There is no better arena to practice being comfortable with who you ARE, than in the arena of dating. Relax, be honest; don't worry about gauging the other person as a way to define how you present yourself. Just BE yourself. Believe me, it will save you so much grief, because if he doesn't like you, then that's that! SO FUCKING WHAT! Would you rather someone like you for who you are NOT?

3. One should always go on THREE dates before determining the validity of a connection or the rejection of potential partner. People cannot be summed up (no matter how keenly we believe we can be) within one date. Sure, you can conclude that you are not physically attracted, if that's the level that is most important to establish, but you cannot conclude a person's character from only one date, no matter how wonderful or awful he or she may be on that date.

4. The development of any relationship moves through 7 Stages of growth (in fact, any endeavor you make will go through these stages, and understanding where you are in the processes of your life can be amazingly liberating and empowering): *

a. INITIATION
This is the obvious beginning; the start; the initial attraction

b. DISCRIMINATION
Once initial attraction has subsided, then the process of elimination begins; this is where you start to your differences; what doesn't work; what needs to be addressed as a means to truly move forward; Most relationships end here, but that's because this stage is so misunderstood. It's not a bad thing to see your differences highlighted; it's an opportunity to create solid ground!

c. STABILITY
For those who make it through stage 2 above, then the relationship moves into building on the common ground that has been created. This stage can last a long time.

d. CORRUPTION
At some point during the relationship, there will come an outside force to challenge it. This can come in the form of an infidelity, a serious illness, an accident, a third party interference, a job promotion that causes a major choice to be made, but whatever it is, it makes both parties in the relationship re-evaluate the strength of the relationship and to make a major choice about where to go with it next.

e. HEALING
If the relationship survives Stage 4 above, then healing begins. This healing is defined by both parties in the relationship and requires both parties to heal.

f. COMPLETION
After the healing stage, then there is a time of recovery, regaining of footing, a realization that what has been experienced so far has enriched the life of both parties. Lessons learned, and a new transformation of the relationship comes into effect. A new cycle begins.

g. ASSIMILATION
This stage can be inserted anywhere between the other stages and this stage creates space for assimilation for both parties during the process of the relationship. This can come in the form of a literal vacation, or time apart, or just a mutual, psychological break from the process. Time out.

So there you go! Maybe these tips and maps can help in the future!

(*Although these 7 Stages have been channeled through several Michael Channels, I would like to credit JOSE STEVENS for first publishing this concept in his book, TAO TO EARTH)

Troy aka CocteauBoy
TruthLoveEnergy: Tools for your Universe

ARTs N CRAFTs

Boy, in a blink, Time can seem to swallow whole continents of Space and Experience while it seems we are not looking. I have never been one to battle Time or be all that concerned with its passage; in fact, I've always welcomed Time. I've always looked forward to the Future and I've always cherished the Past, all the while being as alive in the Present as possible. I have never understood the resentment some have of Time, or the fight against its effects.

Yes, it is surprising, sometimes, when I pass a mirror and think, "My God; who IS that??" (I look SO different in my head than I do in the mirror) Yes, I know I am getting older, and I know I am aging, but I also know that I am LIVING.

I don't really mind that I will die, someday, because if there is any validity to an afterlife, I know I will have collected a Soul-Sponge of experiences to carry with me that "I" (whoever that is, ultimately) will forever hold precious.

Both the Good and the Bad in this life have never been that much different to me. I've welcomed both and find both have their pros and cons. Long ago, I used to think that the Good and the Bad were entirely different, but it's never really about the event; it's about your EXPERIENCE of the event; your interpretation and your efforts to digest it. The "Best Thing in the World" could happen to you, and if you don't have the ability to appreciate or recognize it, you lose the entire point. On the other hand, the "Worst Thing in the World" could happen to you, and if you have the ability to extract the importance, meaning, and value from that experience, you have found treasures that may never have been found outside of that experience.

Existing is a Craft, but Living is an ART. Living requires skill and it requires consciousness and creativity. I think many people live their lives like it is a CRAFT, instead of as an ART, (dis) content with Existing.

See, I've always found that there are ARTISTS and then there are CRAFTSMEN, in life... in fact, in everything, actually. ART is the manifestation, management, and nurturing of something ABSOLUTELY NEW. There is no validity in comparing the expression of one Artist to another because each Artist has generated something utterly unique. CRAFTSMEN are doing nothing new, but they take the patterns and creations of others and do their best to own them for themselves. Craftsmen use a formula, an established pattern, somebody else's ideas and creations, and they build within those perimeters.

There isn't really a Good and a Bad about either of these, but there is a valid distinction between those who CREATE and those who CRAFT. I think people are inherently ARTISTS in life, but so many of us buy into the security of Crafting an Existence, instead of the challenge of Creating a Life.

ARTISTS Create for the sake of Creating, while Craftsmen Craft for the sake of investment, stability, security.

ARTISTS are rarely, immediately acceptable to most people, and almost always require some acquired taste or study by those who wish to know them, because what they have done is bring something completely NEW to the world. CRAFTSMEN are almost always immediately familiar and fairly, easily digestible because someone has already established that pattern of existence. This is another reason I believe people are inherently ARTISTS in life because we are so incredibly UNIQUE, despite our best efforts to package ourselves into civil, presentable, acceptable, secure, and homogeneous beings. This default to Craftsmen leaves us disconnected from our Uniqueness and we spend the rest of our lives desperately trying to be SPECIAL, instead of Unique. Being SPECIAL requires constant feedback, codependancy, and praise, whereas Uniqueness is something that we just ARE. Since we are taught to ignore our Uniqueness, or that our Uniqueness is more a burden than a gift, we seek to Craft our Existence into a way that is SPECIAL... as defined by another person, community, or society. To have that Specialness as a motivation for your Existence is a tiring, painful, and lonely path.

Do you want to be a BJORK?

or a BRITNEY SPEARS?

It will be totally revealing to you when you really think about that question. It is so much easier to respond with the conditioning that you'd rather be Britney Spears because of everything "Special" about her life, along with her success, accessibility, body, and popularity. Most will NOT immediately respond to say they would rather be a BJORK because she wore a Swan Gown to an awards ceremony once, or because she is "weird," or because they don't understand her music.

Being Bjork is dangerous.

Being Britney is safe (well...).

So... we live our lives either as ARTISTS or as CRAFTSMEN. We either CREATE our lives or we CRAFT our lives. We either LIVE or we EXIST. We either generate our own patterns of color and light and experience, or we adapt to someone else's idea of how life is to be lived.

I believe many people are perfectly capable of living within the patterns of someone else's ideas, making an Existence of abundance, security, and satisfaction. I also believe many MORE people are perfectly capable of creating their own lives, bringing uniqueness and originality and newness to this world, making a life of adventure, playfulness, and fulfillment.

Our way of life is more complicated than the reduction to ART or CRAFT, but you get what I mean. I just think it's inspiring to be reminded that your life can be your own, so as I tip toe into the New Year, I remind myself of this very thing. There are some areas of my life that could easily fall into mere Existence as I look back on my failures and struggles, convincing myself that it is just easier, safer, and more acceptable to do things the way everyone thinks I should, or the way everyone else does it, but in the end, I am an Artist. I have to keep trying to Create what I want, despite my apparent lack of success and security at this point. Yeah, I'm wounded; yeah, I'm healing. I've been burned. But so what. Life is messy! Sometimes I stand on the brink of destruction because that's where Creativity lives a lot of the time, but, ultimately, I have learned to trust myself and my soul.

So I go into 2006 wanting to know who I am, like who I am, and do the best I can to create with the Time and Space I have as little ole Unique ME in this life.

I will probably have to remind myself of this conviction at various points in the year, so here it is.

I wonder how others will feel about this post...

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

EXCITING NEWS!!

I got a hair cut:

I love our shower curtain as backdrop. So lovely.

2005 in REVIEW: a partial synopsis

JANUARY

Following a successful Halloween and Christmas Party of 2004, we rung in the New Year with a massive houseful of guests.

After months of pursuit, I finally agree to meet Carlos on January 2nd or 3rd at East of Eighth. It was an extremely happy occasion that I will never forget. I called him My True Love. I was convinced beyond doubt that we were what we had both been seeking. I had never been so convinced, nor had I ever even thought like that before. However, I did keep part of my consciousness with some practical footing and I wrote prophetically, “If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. But let me tell you this: I'm choosing to trust this. I'm saying Yes. If I fall on my ass, hey, I will get back up and believe again in the possibilities of life. I won't mind. I never do.”

In the middle of January I developed a severe case of the Flu and a severe case of Shingles! Shingles should have been a scarring, destructive disease, but thanks to my metaphysical, alternative approach to its healing, the experience was almost immediately (relatively speaking) reduced in pain and in duration and I was left with only minor effects in the end. Today, where the Shingles were the worst, it appears like a faded birthmark.

On January 20, I turned 37.

I began my experiences of New Jersey for the first time, really, as I began to date Carlos and venture out on the “salsa bus” to see him.

A major “Aquarii” Party is thrown at East of Eighth for all of the Aquarians we know. It was a total success and everyone adores Carlos, my new boyfriend.

January 30th, the morning after Nick’s birthday party in our apartment, through sheer luck, Cyprus awakes to find our living room engulfed in flames and smoke at around 5am. Naked, we both fought the fire, losing a couch and a vintage vinyl chair, leaving severe damage to our ceiling and walls. We were incredibly lucky. I will always credit her for saving our lives.

FEBRUARY
I discover a gaggle of boys from Arizona who are blogging. I begin developing a very strong, strange, close connection to one boy in particular, Parley. Later, I discover that one of the bloggers is the son of one my current clients/students/friends and that the boy I am developing the great friendship with online is actually the ex-boyfriend of that son!

Just a month into our dating, Carlos leaves the country for 8 days, and I succumb to all kinds of insecurity and doubt.

Baby Girl passes away after 17 years of friendship with Cyprus and most of those years with me.

I continue to spiral into grief over missing Carlos and he is unable, or chooses not, to contact me during most of that time. I take it very personally, but deal with it.

Carlos finally returns and our reunion is lackluster after such anticipation and excitement on my part. I try not to take it personally.

Jeffrey has a major blowout and tantrum in the middle of his chaotic birthday gathering at THERAPY, stomping away in the middle of it all.

Several of us attend the first annual Social Club gathering that takes place in a warehouse in DUMBO. It was fun and I am first exposed to JESSICA WOOD, a most hilarious comedienne who made me laugh so hard I almost vomited.

Cyprus begins dating John.

MARCH
My abusive, violent, hateful Mother contacts me for the first time in over 18 years. It does not go well. Within a few emails she returns to a threatening and hateful stance, leaving me with the realization that I will never have a relationship with her in this life.

I have a reunion with my best friend EVER, Pluto, my dog who died a few years ago. I had expected a lot of dreams of him over the years, but had NONE! I had my first dream of him at this time.

I spend Saint Patrick’s Day with Deandra and gang, trapped in PIG n WHISTLE near Times Square. New friendships are forged then, and I now adore my pal, John C who came from that night! YAY!

On the heels of the reunion with my Mother, in the midst of resolving old issues about her abuse, I discover a cheesy band called ABUSING TROY, of all things! LOL!

I write a very detailed article about the myth of AIDS and it received quite well by my blog readers!

Carlos is back a little more than a month from his last trip and he leaves again for another country with his best friend. I am not thrilled.

FAT ACTRESS becomes a favorite TV show.

We get to see AUNTIE MAME on the big screen.

I wish my boyfriend a Happy Birthday while he celebrates in another country.

Jeffrey’s friends have complained that the tantrum was not a new situation and I try to help. This is not received well and I don’t hear from Jeffrey for months.

APRIL
I “fall in love all over again” with Carlos as he returns from Cancun.

I begin writing reviews for NEW YORK COOL.

We get to see VENUS HUM perform at Pianos!

Carlos and I see ANNIE HALL on the big screen!

I begin promoting the formation of my courses, “WHOLENESS OF SOUL 2005”

MAY
Parley pulls the plug on our friendship because I have unwittingly and unknowingly offended him through a blog comment and I am strangely devastated by this rejection.

I get to see MOMMIE DEAREST on the big screen!

Cyprus and John become official "boyfriend/girlfriend."

JUNE
I begin to attract what we now call our “blog haters,” which are people who actively read your blog, but viciously and hostilely condemn and attack you on a regular basis.

I reunite with my brother after nearly 15 years. It goes very well and a great amount of healing is done that I never even knew was needed.

New Favorite TV Show is THE COMEBACK with Lisa Kudrow!

I get to preview MARCH OF THE PENGUINS, which was amazing, and I get to see MYSTERIOUS SKIN, which is the first time we get to hear ROBIN GUTHRIE of Cocteau Twins in a long time, as he did the soundtrack! Gorgeous and haunting.

Taren suddenly informs me that she has no interest in remaining my friend, with no explanation. She walks completely out of my life.

I find a home for CREATION, my Boa Constrictor. I raised him from a baby for 9 years, but find I can no longer feed or care for him properly.

Despite the horrible conditions of my friendships with Parley and Jeffrey, Nick begins to hang out with both! I add Nick to my list of people who are lacking the very basics of understanding what friendship really is.

I begin writing about “the 4” people who were causing me the most grief in life at the time: Jeffrey, Parley, Nick, and Taren. Things look irresolvable for most of us.

Against the grain of my frustration, I make a commitment to heal what I have with Nick.

JULY
Fourth of July is hosted by me and Cyprus on our rooftop and it is very casual and fun with the night ending rather early.

I deal with more “blog haters” and have to revise my list of blog links as it is discovered that some were fake bloggers and others just stopped writing and others just dissed me.

Cyprus and I begin our packing after finding a potential apartment in Williamsburg.

The WHOLENESS OF SOULS course begins.

My concern over Carlos’s feelings and love for me escalates internally, even as he smiles in reassurance that there is nothing wrong.

Carlos takes me to see DURAN DURAN live in NJ somewhere.

I get to see ESTHERO live at IRVING PLAZA!

Cyprus's grandmother dies. Cyprus leaves for Wisconsin just before our move.

I move our entire apartment by myself, spending my days unpacking and settling into new apartment in Williamsburg. I unpack with a sense of depression and sadness that is catching up with me from the months before.

AUGUST
I adjust to life in Williamsburg, starting off the month with a nice time at STAIN with Aileen and Cyprus.

Carlos informs me that he has made plans for me to join him on a weekend trip to the beach and a wedding. I surrender to the plans and am extremely excited to go. It was one of the most fun weekends with him, ever, and I was in bliss.

August 21st, Carlos plans a date with me to which he eventually informs me he cannot do. His reasons make no sense and his reaction to my concern was hostile.

Carlos dumps me. No reasons given. No discussions. No emotion. I am just dumped. Through Instant Messenger. I never hear or see Carlos again.

I feel a surge of hate that I haven’t felt in forever. I feel a dark depression that was already in full swing due to the earlier losses of the year.

I call for an Emergency Pity Party that turns out to be one the best things I could have possibly done. I get to laugh and be around people who cared about me and a tremendous healing was set into motion.

Katrina hits the South.

SEPTEMBER
In my new freedom as a single boy, I am going out more. I stumble upon a crack head who is holding a dog hostage, threatening to kill him if someone doesn’t buy the dog. I buy the dog, call him LITTLE, and eventually find him a home.

I buy my first new bed, EVER.

I endure the sadness of my “month-iversary” passing without Carlos and Taren’s birthday coming and going, reminding me of so many losses.

I begin to heal my friendship with Jeffrey, not through intelligent and important conversation, but by dismissing its importance altogether. Everything was too much by this time.

Johnny moves in, bringing his young doggie, LuLu.

The month is filled to lots of emotional vomit.

I revive my passion for THE HAZZARDS and begin seeing them regularly, developing a “number one fan” relationship with them!

I get to see ALAN SPARHAWK of LOW at LIT, and spend time talking with him after the show!

Nick and I continue to struggle toward peace.

Nick begins dating others.

I hate it.

Six Feet Under ends.

Three people quit the WHOLESOULS COURSE who were previously quite close to me. Because of the nature of the course, a lot is brought to the surface for examination, and their leaving the course was a defense against that examination. Since leaving the course, not one of the three have responded to my emails or calls.

OCTOBER
7paths.com reincarnates as TruthLoveEnergy.com

It announced that ALIAS is cancelled.

We see METRIC in concert; twice!

We see Dead Can Dance in concert for the first time, EVER!

I meet Scottie Scooter, a fellow blogger.

Parley and I secretly begin healing our rift. We add each other to our links again.

Me and my gaggle to go SOCE’s official release party for his CD, THE LEMONADE INCIDENT!
Cyprus, Nick, Johnny and I go to City Harvest and meet famous chefs while despising the politics of charity.

I am photographed and even added to THE HAZZARDS blog! YAY!

I spend a night out at Pyramid with Deandra and gang for Madonna-thon and meet Christian, the first boy with whom I consider going out on an official date.

I spend most of Halloween out and about, alone, meeting strangers and having fun, but find I am joined by Hedda Lettuce and Fabio for lots of silliness and laughs!

I begin photographing graffiti.

NOVEMBER
I go on my “official date” with Christian, but I am terribly unready for it, so I am emotionally and physically guarded. Within 20 minutes of my sitting down at my date with Christian, Nick shows up at the same restaurant with his friend and they sit at the table next to us. AWKWARD! Christian and I go to see THE HAZZARDS and the show is dedicated to CocteauBoy as the unofficial Gay Boyfriend of the band! LOL

I tell Christian I am just not ready to date, eventually realizing this was not about whether I was ready to date, but that I knew we were just not a match for some reason I couldn’t explain. I hope to remain friends with him because I really really like him so much. He’s very kind, beautiful, sexy, and patient. I cannot figure out for the life of me why I felt so guarded with him and why I was not open, but I had to trust myself.

I get to see BROADCAST in concert at Webster Hall!

Nick officially stops dating others as he tries to focus on healing our friendship and our past. This news oddly comes as a huge impact of testimony about his true love for me and I feel incredibly freed. I don’t want him NOT to date others, but this choice on his part meant something more important than I would ever have guessed.

Within the week, I meet a boy. We have amazing rapport and conversation. He freaks out on me because he is not used to talking to someone like me, he says. Our conversation turns quite intimate and as I am an uncensored and genuine kind of guy, he is completely thrown off guard. He is desperately trying to figure me out, but he says he cannot, because he isn’t used to someone being so real, so fast. He is completely smitten with me, but then suddenly fears I am completely a fraud and that I am too good to be true. He abruptly decides to abandon our conversation, leaving me standing in shock. I stand there, processing this for about 30 seconds before feeling the impulse to chase him down. I do. He turns to me and I can see he is happy I did so. We confront his sudden behavior and the strange intimacy escalates to the point where I go home with him. I have NEVER IN MY LIFE gone home with anyone EVER! We make out for hours, but I sleep on his couch because his apartment is too hot. I awake with a severe hangover, throwing up in his bathroom over and over again. I should feel humiliated, but I feel completely free from judgment and his only concern was my well-being. It is this morning that I know he is my next boyfriend.

I find on my camera from that night that I had taken a photo of graffiti reading, “It’s all about the moment.”

I go M.I.A. in my blog writing.

I begin dating the boy, tentatively, with resistance and no strings. His compassion, patience, kindness, words, behavior, tastes, stories, history, time, and everything… begins to reveal a beautiful synchronicity with me and my life.

I am terrified, but I choose to walk into this.

DECEMBER
My relationship with the boy escalates into something more and more comfortable and serious.

I begin an addiction to the series 24, and have watched Seasons 1 and part of 2, now.

The boy I am dating is leaving for Texas to be with friends and family over the holidays. After much thought, on the night before he leaves, I invite him to be my boyfriend. He accepts. He is elated. I am, too, despite my terror.

"Dear Jane" aka "A" ends her relationship with "F" in a flurry of vindictiveness and pain, but with newfound strength and conviction that will ultimately help her life, but "F's Assistant" is thrown into the picture against her will and choice, and with much to "F's Assistant's" shock and surprise. "F's Assistant" takes the high road and seeks to understand and help "A," instead of responding with anger and hurt. I love "F's Assistant" for that quality. We now await to see if she still has her job. "A" is spending New Year's Eve with us. I hope the new year brings a new start to her confidence, maturity, and love for life and herself. I want her to be happy.

My ex-boyfriend Jimmy (of nearly 20 years ago) moves to Germany and begins his own blog.

Christmas passes uneventfully for the first time in my life.

It is now New Year’s Eve.

I will call 2005 "THE YEAR OF LOSS."

So here we are: Nick and I continue to build a life together with a new foundation. Johnny struggles to adapt back into New York City life and work. I still have not met Parley. Fabio faces the fact that he has to leave the country against his will. Cyprus continues to build her relationship with John. "A" cancels New Year's Eve with us, and "F's Assistant" still faces a Monday morning start of a New Year by dealing with the consequences of "A's" choices. And... tomorrow, my new boyfriend returns with some amount of fear that I am ambivalent about our relationship.

I take a deep, loving breath... and step into the new year.

AND SO 2005 ends, and 2006 begins...

I'll Be Your Nasty Santa

This week will find me posting again, as usual, but the past month or so has been a whirlwind and I can't WAIT to write about everything! SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED! I really appreciate all of the emails and comments wishing me well and encouraging my ass back to writing. Wow. Those emails and comments were really nice to read. Thanks!!

Until I can write more, which won't be long, I thought I'd post some Holiday CocteauBoy for SugarHiccup-Hiccup! I was all scruffied up tonight, yet clean, cuz I had just showered a bit earlier. I am always clean, thank you. I smell and taste delicious, as you can ask anyone within my proximity; especially the Ex's, mmm hmmm. Delicious, I said.

So I threw on a Santa Hat and started snapping away tonight, for fun. I never catch myself smiling too much in a photo because I am concentrating so much on holding the damn camera without flinging it disastrously to the ground, but I DO smile. I promise. Plus, I LOVE playing with special effects on images, as you can see. I look so much better when I am nearly, completely obscured...

H A P P Y

H O L I D A Y S !

It's All About The Moment

Where the hell am I?

Well, I am doing that weird thing that happens where there's an upsurge in experiences that will then translate into blogging, later. Until then, I thought I would share another graffiti I found this weekend (which would turn out to be magickally-prophetic and you will read about that in due time, my dears) and I wanted to share images of our amazing Christmas Cactus that is in full bloom in our home. So beautiful!

Graffiti at Metropolitan Bar, Brooklyn

CHRISTMAS CACTUS BLOOMS

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!

More Graffiti

Until I have a chance to make a proper entry, I wanted to post these recent images for my collection of graffiti:

FUN BAR in BROOKLYN

METROPOLITAN BAR in BROOKLYN

[ABOVE READS: why have you left the one you left me for?]

FIRST AVE STATION / L Train

I threw these in because, for some reason, they cracked me up

Happening RIGHT NOW!

Tonight is one of the many reasons I love my new neighborhood, even though it is also the very reason I sometimes can't stand it. In the end, the creativity and joy of expression wins over my heart...

The eve started unfolding early to the sounds of catchy electronica and experimental techno bouncing off the walls and windows of our twin warehouses, with light displays, digital art, and happy people bopping all over the place. As the night is wearing on (and it is STILL EARLY!), accordions, girls in burlesque petticoat dresses on stilts, and circus-like band music churns and prances about while a fire dancer/breather/spinner stops traffic.

The BUSHWICK ART PROJECTS is well under way! Technically, I live in Williamsburg, but the blur between proud Bushwick and pompous Williamsburg stretches for several stops on our lovely L train, clashing occassionally, but tonight, it's just... celebration!

On my floor, in a few minutes, two doors down, there will be celebrity chefs and a "kitchen show" featuring "The Shaydes" and "Purity Kisses" (??), so this should prove to be an interesting night in my building and on my block.

Live Love Life!

Looking down right NOW from my window:

METRIC: My latest published Review

Guess who's back to writing reviews!! ME! YAY! I love writing so much. This is such a great hobby for me; especially writing about entertainment. LOVE it. It really balances my sense of life after working and writing on such etheric and otherworldly topics as metaphysics and channeling.

And, finally, I am writing for a magazine of which I am really proud. My friend, Liberation, spun off his own magazine from the magazine for which we both worked, NewYorkCool.com I love his magazine so much more, as it focuses more on the art, music, and life that specifically contributes to the revitalization of the East Village mentality. If you don't know what that means, then you probably didn't live in the Village pre-90's. I will always have a soft spot for NewYorkCool, though. I highly suggest it as a resource for the New Yorker who wants to know what's going on below the surface of commercial art and entertainment.

Trigger Magazine

Direct Link to METRIC review

A Walk Along the L

Although I am still torn between Manhattan and Brooklyn, my heart continues to embrace Brooklyn more and more, of course. Manhattan has become the place of tourists and those who continue to move there are oddly like permanent tourists.

I could handle fighting through the throngs of gawking tourists, knowing they were benefiting our little town and that they would eventually leave, but now they take up residence and try to act and live as if New York is what they see on TV. Sex and the City ruined everything. A swarm of people moved here during Sex and the City and it just hasn't been the same.

You can always tell who is a "true" New Yorker vs a "tourist" New Yorker just by who finds Sex and the City to be an accurate portrayal.

Thanks to Jane, I was able to read a great article about my neighborhood in NEW YORK MAGAZINE this past week. It was very interesting...

PHOEBE'S CAFE

In the photo gallery for the article, there is actually a picture of my street AND building!! But I am not going to feature it here, but for those of you who know me, you will see it.

ARTICLE:
L-ification

Bush Don't Talk Correct

The Genius behind the Bush

Speak For Yourself

I am really bummed that I missed out on Imogen's concert this past Sunday night... but at least I have this:

IMOGEN HEAP on KCRW
(real player required)

YAY!!

OTHER LINKS:
Imogen Heap
Frou Frou
LYRICS

I love Imogen (of Frou Frou) because she sings STORIES with odd lyrics that are indicative of the power in mundanity, while somehow making the most addictive pop songs, ever. Another thing I love about Immi is her faltering style of singing. She can sing so beautiful and flawed at the same time. This strain to rise above her limitations is humble and inspiring. She's sort of a modern Jane Siberry.

You can enjoy tracks from Imogen's latest album, SPEAK FOR YOURSELF, (released in the U.S. yesterday) in my TruthLoveEnergy Lounge!

Take some time and enjoy...

More graffiti

In keeping with my promise to myself to snap poignant, deep, thought-provoking bathroom graffiti, I captured this from the PHOENIX bathroom:

Hmmm...

The Day After

Well, I made it through Halloween Night in my town! I took the easy way out, though, and did NOT make my way down to the monstrous parade of obnoxiousness and potential violence. Instead, I became my own parade and danced my own dance of obnoxiousness and stupidity. But oh my god, I had so much fun!!

First, no one would come out and play. All of my friends were either too tentative to come out on such a troubled night, were too tired for a Monday night outing, or had other plans. I was SO slack in making any plans and organizing anything, so blamed no one for leaving me in the dust on a holiday. I can make my own party! YAY!

BUT, thanks to my wonderful, beautiful, adorable friend, Fabio, I was not all alone!!

It was so good to see him. I hadn't seen him for some time because he had been on a trip, so I was so glad he came out.

Here's to Fabio, Me, & Halloween!!

I've had a really rough year or so and I had slumped, once again, into an ebb of happiness and a flow of depression. It's weird to actually use that word, "depression," because I'm not what you would think of as a "depressed" person, but in all honesty, whether I am smiling or having a great time, there is a net of depression just beneath the surface that holds the process of all of my losses lately. Sometimes I just lose that daily footing and there I go... sliding down like Marshal, Will, and Holly... down into the Land of the Lost. So sometimes I have to just get out and LAUGH! And there are certain sources of laughter that I can always count on... one of those is HEDDA LETTUCE!! YAY!!

CocteauBoy n Hedda!

I haven't seen Hedda (or Steve) since she went to Province Town for her Summer shows, so I really missed her. Halloween was the perfect night for our reunion! I knew one of the first things she would ask me about was X, so I had actually braced myself. She was always skeptical of X and had playfully raised an eyebrow at his intentions. I always suspected she just didn't trust him. When I told her what happened, she was not surprised, which was comforting and really embarrassing at the same time. I said to her, "You always did seem skeptical of him." Hedda threw up her hands and shrugged, "well, I HAD always suspected he was slightly retarded in some way." LOL!

Now, for what it's worth, Hedda IS a stand-up comic, so these lines were more to just make me laugh than as a serious observation. So, X, if you are reading this, don't hate Hedda.

HEDDA LETTUCE @ East of Eighth

CocteauBoy DID NOT dress up for Halloween this year!
(remember THIS?!)

BUT EVERYBODY ELSE DID!! YAY!!
We made lots of new pals!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN
2005