Homesick in a Place I Can Call Home

I've only been here three days, but homesickness just hit.

I had a slight panic yesterday that was exactly what I had anticipated would happen. It was just this realization that I AM ON ANOTHER CONTINENT! It's this claustrophobic feeling of not being able to just get on the subway to reach a friend, or just to make a simple phone call, or take a road trip to family. Everyone is SO FAR AWAY!

It's alright, though. It's pretty normal, as far as I'm concerned. And I am glad I anticipated it, because that allowed me to treat myself more gently and kindly, rather than freak out with shock and reaction.

Yesterday, I wandered around "downtown" Amsterdam and was really surprised at how emotional I got. Some parts were so touristy that it was not really much different from being in an irritating part of Manhattan, where I love it and hate it at the same time, but then I would turn down a narrow street of crooked, gorgeous buildings and feel such a sense of remembering. Not since I found New York City did I ever feel the kind of "oh my god, I'm home" feeling until now.

I absolutely know that reincarnation exists. I've had enough experience with this subject to prove its validity to me, even if I don't really know how it REALLY works; I do know there is enough evidence to at least convince me that the concept is legitimate, even if some of the testimonies and research isn't. There are reasons I say I know reincarnation is valid, but I will go into those another time. For now, I just wanted to mention it because the "remembering feeling" I have in being here in Amsterdam is pretty powerful.

When I turned down a few of those streets, I felt home.

I felt like I was collecting parts of myself left here from ages ago. I've had that feeling of remembering with several people in my life (including Jip), but only once for a PLACE. I had a brief experience of this in Tucson, AZ (but I think it was associated with the person there, not the place), but New York City wins, hands down, for being a PLACE I love as much as I would love a person. It looks like I may be adding Amsterdam to that tiny list!

More observations, later! And Pix!!

VLOG: Out My Window & The Euro

From where I am staying with my bf, the sounds of children playing dance through the air to bring a lot of spirit, the chirping of birds makes it feel like there is no way to have a bad day, and the smell of flowers forces you to close your eyes for a moment and simply be present. My experience is of such a peace, so far, and I wanted to share that with you as best I can.

This first video is a view from the window. I could have done this better from the balcony, but I happened to be looking out the window and spontaneously recorded what I was seeing.

One Minute Wanders: OUT MY WINDOW on Vimeo

In this video, I introduce you to the Euro from my inexperienced American angle. I don't MEAN to be such a dumbass, but I am pretty new at being the foreigner, so everything makes me giddy and things that are taken for granted by locals seem exciting and inspiring to me!

One Minute Wanders: THE EURO on Vimeo

Introducing: ONE MINUTE WANDERS (the vlog)

I've decided to document my adventures in Amsterdam through Vlogging (video blogging), so you will now find these videos occasionally! Since my memory card is so small in my camera, I can only create one minute videos (approx), so I decided during this video to create "One Minute Wonders" for my blog! But then, I liked the idea of One-Minute WANDERS better, hence the creation of this collection of videos! YAY!

For those receiving this feed in email or through a feedreader, the videos may not come through, so just use the convenient links provided.

In this video, I have just arrived, feel very tired, sick, have a massive headache, which you can tell by the way I am talking so tightly, trying to minimize the effect on my head.

One-Minute Wanders: First Day in Amsterdam on Vimeo

In this video, I am LOOKING even worse, but I was feeling better...

One-Minute Wanders: First Purchase in Amsterdam on Vimeo

The Heart That Flies Never Dies

Well, here I go...

Part of me is in absolute disbelief and shock, while another part of me is happier than ever! I can't believe I decided to make this huge change and then... DID IT! I don't know why I would even be shocked; I always do this.

Follow your hearts, everyone. Keep your wits about you, but follow your heart. It's the most aligned part of you that you have with the universe. It may lead you into confusing and terrifying places, but that's your head trying to make sense of something that really has no logic. There is always meaning and beauty to be found in the places your heart lead you, even if your mind tries to trick you into thinking you've made a "mistake."

There is no such thing.

If I had used logic as my navigation through this, I would find evidence of far more reasons NOT to go than to go; not that the evidence would even be accurate, just easier to find because when you focus on what makes sense, what is tangible, it will always be evidence of where you've come from, not about where you are going. What's around you is what you've created already, so if I had no concept of my moving to another country, that's what I would find... no evidence to support how that could possibly be true.

The intangible future of my creation comes from my desires, my heart, the perceptions that bypass logic and proof, moving into a rare place of creative effort, playful trust, and honest choice.

Yes, I may crash and burn on the plane; I may find this doesn't work in the way I may ultimately imagine; I may be immediately rejected; I may fall flat on my face... but from even those potential experiences, it is up to me as to how I deal with it, and I will NEVER regret following my heart. I never have.

So, there are no guarantees. There is only CHOICE. And I chose this. I created it. I own the responsibilities involved, and I will make new choices as my experiences unfold.

Okay then... here I go...

This is my last blog entry from inside the United States... for a while!

See you on the other side with a whole new adventure and entries about my impressions of Amsterdam, Europe, and my life's potential there.

XOXO
Troy

PS. Please see previous blog entries for ways to keep in contact with me directly and please consider a donation to help keep me from starving. I'm taking big risks, but it's also an investment toward more love and adventure on the planet! YAY!

KEEP TROY ALIVE!

KEEP TROY ALIVE!
The Amsterdam Fund Project
Please make a donation to help keep Troy alive and fed while he transitions from America to Amsterdam.

ANYTHING will be helpful.

Thank you so much!!

Please consider one or ALL of these social networks online to help me stay in contact with you more directly while I am in Holland:

FOR THOSE WHO REALLY WANT TO REMAIN REALLY CLOSE TO ME:

JOIN FACEBOOK and connect with me @ http://www.facebook.com
Once you are a member, please find me as CocteauBoy or search for me using Troy@TruthLoveEnergy.com

You can then join the private COCTEAUBOY LOVES YOU Group at FaceBook and everyone in the group can keep in direct contact with me that way! This group connection will allow us to share videos, blog entries, comments, support, links, details, private and personal messages, etc. and f you use FireFox, you can even download the FaceBook Toolbar from the FireFox addons so you can be alerted to any and all activity related to your account!



AND EVEN MORE for the serious friend!

JOIN TWITTER:
http://www.twitter.com is a simple, simple user profile that only asks one question: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? This can be updated at any point during your day and all people within your network are then alerted in various real-time ways (including TEXT MSGING!) as to "what I am doing!" If you check out my blog at http://www.SugarHiccupHiccup.blogspot.com, you will see the Twitter Widget in the side column is always updated!

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JOIN MYSPACE and add me as a friend through http://www.MySpace.com/CocteauBoy! When you belong to MySpace, PLEASE SUBSCRIBE to my MySpace blog so you can leave comments to keep me company: http://www.blog.myspace.com/cocteauboy YAY!!

For those who just wish to hear the basic updates, but not to be signed up for a network, please subscribe for my SugarHiccupHiccup Blog entries to be sent directly to your inbox and make sure you comment and keep me company as I document my adventure!

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Troy

Linoleum Love

I picked up my passport today, and as I opened the envelope and looked at the book, saw my picture, the pages for visas, the blue and gold binding... I started getting really choked up. Having that in my hand represented so much about what is to come in the months ahead.

I've uprooted my entire life. I've released so many things to make room for this. WHY?

Because... well, I'm really REALLY in love. I'm not just IN love... I FEEL loved.

Why do I feel loved all of a sudden by someone when I have been surrounded by love all of my life?

Well, it's said in metaphysics and self-help philosophies that we only feel love from others to the extent that we truly love ourselves. If I love myself (i.e. truly embrace and accept me) at about 40% and someone else truly loves me at 100%, then I will only allow myself to feel and experience up to 40% of all of that love being freely given to me. It's not that we aren't actually loved 100%, but that we don't integrate all of that life-enriching energy as a part of our structure, our perspectives, our lives.

See, it's one thing for me to feel love for someone. Ohhhh, I am SO good at that. Oh yes, big-hearted me is so perfect at loving others, but what about poor little me? Who loves ME?

For most of my life, the love I do feel from someone seems to have to be manufactured. I intellectually grasp that my friends love me, that my father loves me, that my ex's all love me (well, most of them) and that my best friends truly love me, but in the end, it has always felt like I kind of had to just pretend the love into my life. I didn't really FEEL it. I know it is there, but I just let it glide over the numbness I feel in relation to others. It's a shocking revelation, but yeah... as animated and alive and free and open and loving as I am, if looked into more closely, I carry a beautiful, gorgeous numbness that's glossy, shiny, and perfectly happy to remain untouched.

So, again: why do I feel loved now? Why do I truly feel loved by my boyfriend now when I have always been loved by others in the past?

Because he bravely and lovingly calls me out on my bullshit.

Okay, maybe someone has tried the same in the past, but that was MAYBE one person. This is the first time, though, that someone has a language that can get through to me. What he says to me is not something new to me, but are truths that I have oh-so-carefully found ways of moving around in me like crowded passengers in a subway car. I have them step aside as I move in and I make plenty of room for whatever I need to do and be, but... they are still there; shuffling around me with excuses and courtesies that have become an art.

What my boyfriend does is make absolute room for my insecurities without shaming me, calls me out on my "higher perspectives" and on my oh-so-perfect way of loving that is just a slick effort to sabotage us. He helps me to accept the room and expression needed for the emotions and feelings I may have that are sometimes a contradiction against my intellectual salves.

Seriously, this is AMAZING to me. I have never had such an invitation to safety in my life. Actually... I've never had safety in my life. Ever. I've found my sanctuary in me, in my giving, in my helping people and animals and life, but... I've never felt... SAFE.

God, this means the world to me. It means the world to me because it means something has changed in me. It means I'm starting to embrace these shuffling parts inside me that I've always protected and I'm allowing them to integrate into me. What I've been doing is keeping these parts of me safe, dividing the core of me away from these parts as a form of protection, but never really BEING safe.

It feels a little embarrassing and vulnerable to talk about not feeling safe, not feeling loved, and recognizing a kind of handicap that has gone unattended for so long. It makes me feel like I've been a fraud, or guilty for the efforts others have made in trying to love me in the past, but that's just another form of self-sabotage... and I can let it speak its heart and not lie about it; I can embrace it, and bring it home... safe and sound.

It's not my boyfriend who is doing the work for me. He can't. But he finds the words I need to hear from outside of me so that I have the opportunity to no longer ignore them from inside. I feel such surrender and peace when he calls me out on this stuff, but it's ME who has to do the actual work after that.

And I do.

Because. It. Feels. LIBERATING!

There is a huge age difference between my boyfriend and me, and despite the fact that nearly everyone, including his mom and my dad and my friends and his friends are all being very supportive and encouraging, I still had to question this time difference between us. Of course, I've also questioned the seeming insanity of leaving the country to follow my heart into a gamble that may or may not last in the way we would wish, looking closely at the risks and distance between us that had to be overcome. It turns out that the time and space are not obstacles at all.

When I look at why I am giving us a chance, it's because of the kind of love that is shared between us that I've never really experienced before. It hits me every day. It washes over me like warmth and trust and soothes my feathers of fear as I near my flight of no return. How can I NOT give this a chance? Some people may think it's crazy to uproot your life and move through space to another country, and to find common ground in the time that exists between our age differences... risking everything for the sake of a gamble on Love... but I say:

it's fucking crazy NOT to do so!

We live in a world that doesn't do enough for the sake of Love. We are so quick to develop the art of courtesy and acquaintances, or to devastate another person as a way to fill the vacuum of loneliness we carry, but how often do we take the necessary risks for LOVE? No conditions, no demands, no intent but to experience more love... in the giving and in the receiving.

The Entity I channel, Michael, has said on many occasions that most of what passes for Love is far from what love really is. I've always been able to see that in others, but only recently did I see that I was playing the same games, maybe with more finesse, but the same games, nonetheless. It's only been in the last year that I started seeing clues that I had tricked myself into thinking I was being so loving, when all I was doing was being protective.

I look forward to who I may be in the years ahead because of this recent revelation. I have lived so long the way I am, I almost can't imagine who I will be in a world where I feel safe.

But I am ready to find out.

For the longest time I was doing just fine, as if living from a room that was bright, sunny, warm, and inviting, but what has happened is that I now realize the floor I've been walking on for so long was just a layer of linoleum, dented, pitted, and worn, but working just fine. I may have gone my whole life with this layer, but now... now me and my boyfriend are pulling up the sticky mess and finding this glowing, protected hardwood that I forgot existed in me.

IT'S UNDER THERE SOMEWHERE

In a Maybe World

It baffles me to no end to have the closest people to you in your life have a completely, absolutely, utterly different set of memories about your past together than you do. On the one hand, this can be explained by poor memory; it can also be explained by selective memory; and it can be explained by defensive, self-protective memory.

Another explanation is that BOTH lines of memory are valid and that the universe has room for both time lines of experiences that seem to be relevant to the one remembering. This bizarre discrepancy of memory among people is so easily dismissed as such things as pettiness, resentment, romanticizing, poor memory, but... just... what if... it's ALL true?

No more arguing points; no more defending stances; no more dismissal of personal feelings; no more losses of friendship; no more blame; no more over-indulgence against the will of another...

I'm just sayin....

....maybe the universe is more accommodating than we are.

Maybe there is something to learn from that.

How to be my Boyfriend

DEAL BREAKING AND MAKING

I am 39 years old now and I have never dated. I've never had to date. I just sort of bumble along and enjoy life, then suddenly I meet a guy with whom I connect strongly and then we discover we'd make great boyfriends and we give it a shot (and then I get dumped 10 months to 4 years later). That's been the way I have found and held every boyfriend relationship, so far.

I've never been one who could "date around," or go out with one guy tonight and another tomorrow night. It's not that I have a weird judgment against dating around, but just that I don't know how to do it very well. I think my heart is too sensitive, or something. I just feel really uncomfortable with the idea of "shopping" for a person, and I prefer for it to happen more organically; unexpectedly. I like the surprise of a wonderful rapport, rather than the search for it. In the meantime I get to work on myself in a way that may make me an even better boyfriend for someone, as well as being a better person for myself. So, "dating," to me, reduces the magic of personal growth and surprise of life to an interviewing process of distraction from self, and is not a natural exchange for me.

Dating around means someone is going to be potentially chosen and many are going to be potentially rejected. I like neither of those options; at least, not with such an emphasis. I'd rather an experience of emergence, discovery, and playfulness (and potential friendship) than an experience of interview and assessment. The interviewing and assessment is going to happen, no matter what, so I'd rather it just be a gentle undercurrent than to have it to be the focus.

Even when I've met someone from online for a "date," I always explain that my first meeting can't really be considered a date. It's just a meeting. It's just a chance to hang out and get to know each other and focus on a friendship and from there we can THEN decide if we'd like to go on a date. I'd rather meet a potential friend than to lose that possibility because we are incompatible as boyfriends; I'd rather make a date with someone in person than to make a date with someone I've never met.

I don't know why I prefer all of these things, but it's the way I work.

Another thing I've always preferred is to never be too rigid in my expectations and wishes for what I would want in a mate. All of my fundamental basics that make up my identity are kept as MY fundamental basics and not something to wish from someone else, or to impose on someone else. I'd rather discover the fundamentals about another person and then create a unique world of combination. For the most part, my most successful and fulfilling relationships were rooted in the mutual respect and exploration of our different identities, even when fundamentals were at odds to each other.

SO... for 20 years of my life of relationships/dating I've not "dated around," and I've experimented with flexibility of fundamentals....

....and now I am ready try something different.

I still don't think I can date around (I just don't have that in me), but I want to enforce a few things that I would consider "fundamental deal makers," instead of being so flexible. In my flexibility, I find that I become very willing to be the invisible person in the relationship. It's a certain sabotage that I've found in me as a pattern. It's not that I deny the things that are fundamental about me, but that I feel a strength in my being able to set mine aside for the importance of someone else's. While this IS a strength to some degree, it is also a contributor to the detriment of a relationship, because when your relationship with yourself becomes compromised by your emphasis on your relationship with someone else, you cut off your own air. You clip your wings while encouraging the flight of another.

And then you wonder why they leave.

So... I've decided to gently hold some of my fundamentals in strong consideration when a potential boyfriend now comes along, and that includes my current relationship that has blossomed out of nowhere. This is 20 years worth of experience that has helped me to discover what is truly important to me and I'm also secure enough with myself now that I don't really feel a need to be so compromised in order to have a relationship. I'd rather be free and single than to feel lonely and invisible in a relationship. I'd rather keep my relationship with myself as healthy and whole than to divide myself into something more digestible for another person.

I've thought about this a lot.

Some people call these things "deal breakers," but I'm trying to emphasize the more inspiring angle of "Deal Makers." The more deal makers being fulfilled in a potential relationship, the more likely that relationship could be profoundly fulfilling for both of us. I would never IMPOSE these on another person, but I am brave enough now to let that person go on his merry way if he is not interested in similar, common grounds.

DEAL MAKERS

• Socially graceful, friendly, and actually likes people
• Loves reading together (quietly, or out loud to each other)
• Loves being playful, in general, without thinking he is "too old" or "mature" or "too cool" or "too stupid" for silly playfulness
• Loves color and brightness and appreciates toys as part of a home
• Finds laughter to be an intimate bonding factor
• Vegan, Vegetarian, or on his way to either of those
• Sees animals as valid, feeling Beings who are not to be exploited, enslaved, farmed, worn, or eaten
• Questions the very nature of reality and enjoys long, thoughtful conversations about such things
• Finds benefit in discussing issues that arise as conflicts or differences or insecurities between us
• Is naturally monogamous and finds that to be exciting, sexual, and sensual, and not a weird, resentful burden
• Finds it thought-provoking, inspiring, and almost obligatory to question against mainstream conclusions about life, events, and truths
• Finds insecurities to be something to soothe and heal, not to use against each other, or to feel are burdens
• Is not religious, but spiritual
• Is not political, but aware
• Feels good about considering the impact of his choices on me, and does not feel burdened by that extra step in thinking
• Does not smoke and understands why it's a violation to be around it in public (I've added this one for two reasons: kissing a smoker is gross, sorry; and if you can't understand why no person's habits should be something another person should be forced to partake in, then you probably don't have a clear idea about appreciating shared space; honoring shared space is NOT the same thing as taking away people's right to choose and do what they want)

So, those are some of the obvious DEAL MAKERS, but here are some deadly deal breakers, because no matter how much is being fulfilled in my deal maker list, these are the things that can ruin EVERYTHING:

DEADLY DEAL BREAKERS
These are words that will stop my relationship with you in its tracks, or seriously derail us to the point of needing a very long recovery:

• "What?! You have got to be kidding me! Animals are MEANT to be used for food and clothing! Humans are carnivores!"
• "I really don't see what the problem is if I feel like kissing another guy or flirting with him in front of you (or behind your back)... it's JUST a kiss, for god's sake. And we all need that extra attention from time to time."
• "I've cheated on you." (or finding out that he's cheated on me)
• "I already know everything I need to know about myself; I'm not really interested in learning more."
• "Oh my god, get OVER it!"
• "I lied to you."

Those are just a few of the obvious deal breakers, but the list doesn't include the even-more obvious ones of violating Honesty, Communication, and Integrity, which are basic ingredients to a successful and intimate relationship. If those three things are violated in any way, there is trouble.

And I'd like to point out that I DO understand the need for attention from others, even as flirtation and even while in a monogamous relationship, but there is a way to allow room for that without it being a violation to your honesty, communication, and integrity. I also don't like the word "cheating," but I guess it's the only word to use to describe someone who tells you one thing and then does another thing. If you enter a relationship with me KNOWING what is important to me, and you stand strongly with me to encourage that mutual agreement, and then you cheat (on any level: emotionally, physically, etc), then it's not about the act, itself, but about your level of integrity and honesty that has destroyed our intimacy. If want to have sex with someone else, then leave the relationship with me... FIRST. It's just NOT for me to have that kind of a relationship, and I've been there, done that, and frankly, don't need the experience again. You should have the guts to leave me before you would have to cheat on us.

I don't need to impose my rules on you, but I've accepted that it's okay for me to have some.

So there...

It's on record.

The World Is In Love With Chris Garneau

CHRIS GARNEAU

Well, at least my world is...

I cannot stop listening to him. There is something deeply moving and important in his voice, in his words, and in his person; an emotional genius capturing an undercurrent in all of us that is at once haunting, familiar, and gorgeous, creating a genre of music many are calling "Sadcore," which is ironic because he is so incredibly inspiring.

Chris already has a huge, world cult following and I have seen it grow exponentially over a very short time, but I am still neck-to-neck with a gal on Last.FM for being Chris Garneau's NUMBER ONE FAN, which is as creepy as it is SO COOL! LOL

I haven't been in this much love with music since COCTEAU TWINS. I mean, I have LOVED some great music over time and I have very important bands that contribute to the soundtrack of my life, but there comes along very few who can cradle everything meaningful to you in life and turn it into kind lullabies of art.

I'm surprised Chris hasn't been compared more often to Lisa Germano, another amazing talent in this world who can scoop up the most painful of experiences into a melody, a soft lull of whisper-songs, making all of it seem so worth it.

My ipod has not played much of anything beyond Chris since I first heard of him several months ago (except my boyfriend's wonderful "mixed tapes" he made for me - sighhh). It makes it even better that Chris is so nice, personable, and friendly... free with hugs when I see him, even as I stand there like a shaking deer in headlights, starstruck like I've never been before (i never even understood the term until meeting Chris).

Tonight marks the last time I will be able to see him perform before leaving New York City for Amsterdam, Holland. Check his websites for future dates as his tour begins in May!

I wish for all of you to be able to experience him live, but until then BUY HIS ALBUM, "Music For Tourists"!!

You will NOT regret it.

http://www.MySpace.com/ChrisGarneau
http://www.ChrisGarneau.com

I offer these for you to enjoy...

BETWEEN THE BARS


WE DON'T TRY (2X!!)


The "I don't have my dog" song
(official title unknown to me)


RELIEF

Pulsating Proof of the Point

CHEMICALS SWIRL
AND FINGERS CURL
AS WE FALL INTO THE TRICKERY OF BIOLOGY

OR SO THEY SAY

EXCEPT
NO BABIES WILL COME OF THIS

SO
WHAT IS THE POINT

OH YEAH
WE LOVE EACH OTHER

MAYBE BABIES WERE NEVER THE POINT

(our love transcends biology)

Paraphrasing Perpetual Stupidity of Heart

CONVERSATION PARAPHRASE ONE
HE: Troy, I have something to tell you.
ME: What?
HE: Seriously, don't get mad.
ME: WHAT?!
HE: This is something important about your move here.
ME: WHAT!
HE: There's only one way to say it...
ME: WHAT!?? My god, WHAT??
HE: I
HE: LOVE
HE: YOU!
ME: Oh you little snot!
HE: Hee Hee

CONVERSATION PARAPHRASE TWO
HE: Hey babe!
ME: Awww... HI!
HE: Well, I've been thinkin and there's something you should know about me before you get here.
ME: What, babe?
HE: It's something big, so maybe I should call you.
ME: WHAT? Oh my god, WHAT?
HE: You gotta be understanding about this, okay?
ME: Of course, no worries... what?
HE: Well...
ME: WHAT??
HE: I
HE: LOVE
HE: YOU
ME: Ohhhh youuuuu!

CONVERSATION PARAPHRASE THREE
HE: Oh, I have to tell you what happened today!
ME: WHAT! Oh, exciting!
HE: Not really, it might upset you.
ME: Oh god, what.
HE: Just promise not to be mad?
ME: For real... what? Why would I be mad?
HE: I dunno, but I just thought I should be honest about it.
ME: S'okay... what happened.
HE: I
HE: LOVE
HE: YOU
ME: D'oh! Alright! This is getting old!

CONVERSATION PARAPHRASE FOUR
HE: Oh god.
ME: What?
HE: I didn't tell you yet.
ME: What, babe?
HE: I have made some plans that might change our plans for your coming here.
ME: WHAT?! What happened?
HE: Well, what was I supposed to do?!
ME: I don't understand... what happened? What plans?
HE: That...
ME: What!
HE: That I love you...
ME: Oh GODDAMMIT this is getting ridiculous! I'm not falling for it again!

CONVERSATION PARAPHRASE FIVE
HE: I've never lived with anyone before, so bear with me, okay?
ME: No worries, I know it will be an adjustment for both of us.
HE: Seriously, there are other things to think about, too.
ME: Well, I've always lived with someone and I know what it's like to need space, so no worries.
HE: But this is going to be your home, too.
ME: I know, but I'm very considerate about other people's space, so you just let me know and...
HE: Well, and then...
ME: What?
HE: The other thing you should know about living with me.
ME: What?
HE: I should have told you before you bought your ticket.
ME: Babe, I can deal... what.
HE: Ur gonna have to deal with this,
ME: What?! Don't worry about it. What?
HE: I love you.
ME: GODDAMMIT! Stop that! I keep having anxiety attacks!
HE: I know. It's funny.
ME: I'm NOT falling for it again.
HE: Yes you will.

CONVERSATION PARAPHRASE SIX
HE: How's it goin babe!?
ME: Well, I'm very upset today. I have to tell you something big.
HE: What?
ME: Make sure you are sitting down. This could be a shock.
HE: What... that you love me?
ME: GODDAMMIT!!!
HE: ur stupid.
ME: stupid in love.
HE: me too

CONVERSATION PARAPHRASE SEVEN
HE: (same old same old setup)
ME: (same old same old GODDAMMIT!)
HE: u should blog about this
ME: I will, dammit!

So I did.

So here's to being stupid-anxious in love and uprooting your entire existence to move to another continent and country so you can follow your heart and not being embarrassed about how idiotic you look along the way.

Next Stop: AMSTERDAM

It never EVER occurred to me that I would ever visit Europe, let alone LIVE there, so it goes without saying that I am just as much in shock over my announcement as any of you may be:

I AM MOVING TO AMSTERDAM!

WHAT THE!!?? you say?

This move was prompted by a long journey through situations, scenarios, and synchronicities that had to have all come together in culmination of my choosing to move to another country. Many of the situations and scenarios are things I have bitched about in this very blog, that are now clearly a part of a larger pattern leading me to Amsterdam. I imagine this all began falling into place as part of my breakup from Clem and my distancing from Cyprus. If I was closely connected to either of these two, I would never fathom this choice.

As it stands, these two major falling out scenarios led me to two very important factors being in place:

- space created in my life to move about however I choose, without any negative impact on anyone (besides my American friends missing me, which is heart-breaking!)
- being free from any intimate relationships (i.e. boyfriends) so that I could find myself open to the surprise of my life with a rather old relationship that took on a new spin!

Yup, I have a boyfriend. Yup, he's Dutch. Yup, he lives in Amsterdam. Yup, I'm kinda going on this journey for the sake of following my heart. I like following my heart. It's taken me to far-flung places in the world, inside and out. And I'm not about to start ignoring this incredible navigational tool I have for my life, so...

Over a year-in-the-making, I finally discovered that I am in love with someone I only ever expected would be one of my dearest, long-distance friends. It's the 21st Century, so most of you probably no longer roll your eyes at the idea of "meeting" someone online with whom you eventually develop a strong, loving rapport, but I'm also not ridiculous enough to take that relationship to a place of fantasy. No matter what one might form as a relationship with someone online, it is essentially a relationship with your IDEA of who that person is, not necessarily a relationship with that person. So, none of this ever occurred to me as anything more than a beautifully modern connection with a beautiful soul overseas.

And then he came to visit.

Even then, I was resistant. I was unconsciously avoiding even having contact with him. I was "busy" and I didn't really want to deal with all of it. Upon his arrival, he stayed his first night with an acquaintance of his, and I thought I might be able to see him MAYBE once or twice, but, you know, I was "busy," so probably not.

And then he called me.

And he asked very strongly if he could please stay with me. I immediately, without hesitation, said YES! To this day, I do not know WHY I said it without hesitation. Anyone who knows me knows that I hem and haw and say that I need to check my schedule or think about it, etc. I never just say YES! But I did.

I went to pick him up at our designated meeting place and upon seeing him, I was immediately, quietly, smitten. I quickly ignored this and turned the feelings into my usual, loving affection for a friend. I knew he was just visiting and would be gone, soon, so it was easy to allow the feelings to shift into appreciation.

Cut to many long, precious, transformational days and nights later, and we are both crying our eyes out at being separated by his having to leave, having had incredible dates and walks and conversations and revelations and emotions and an honest look at whether the year together had been leading to this, or if we were just having a magickal time. My initial inclination was to convince the both of us that we were just having a magickal time and that we should keep our wits about us because, really, what were we supposed to do about this important, personal, and shared realization? As we neared the airport, realizing exactly what ignoring the truth would mean, I found myself squirming with resistance inside, but also flooding with surrender to something more beautiful to me than I have experienced in a very, very long time.

As we said our painful, and I mean PAINFUL... burning-eyes, swollen-throat, stomach-wrenching, ugly-cry, PAINFUL goodbye, I STILL said I was only "90% sure." I walked away feeling falsely strong for having left myself 10% open for the doubt and rejection of this huge potential between us.

But that didn't last long.

Within the hour of our departure from each other, I knew it was over for me. I knew it. And when I KNOW something; when it resonates within me like an orchestra of truth, I surrender.

I know I am doing the right thing. I know I am doing the right thing for me. I know I am doing the right thing for us, for my work, for my life. I just... KNOW.

And in that knowing, everything has fallen into place... almost immediately, all required elements are there, making this possible within a very short period of time.

As of May, at some point in May, this will be HOME

When the time feels right and both of us are settled in to a comfortable world together, I will introduce him through my blog, but for now, there is a kind of sanctuary being built together that doesn't include a lot of exposure. My close friends are involved, supportive, and for now, that's all I want for such a huge choice in my life. I didn't make this choice based on any compulsion or zany escape into adventure, but on real thinking, real assessment, real awareness of all of the obvious potential outcomes, and when I ask myself if I would still move there if I knew that my relationship would not last, I still feel a powerful YES.

I'm moving there for something bigger than what prompted all of this and I am ready for anything.

Especially to be Loved.

This is one of the few pivotal points in my life where I see a major, long-term investment in myself and my life and it will be what I make of it, but the impact will go far and wide into my future and relationships.

And I'm finally going to get that damn book published!

Ironically, the only boyfriend with whom I had a relationship that carried such a magic and power to transform my entire life is also living in Amsterdam! No worries, y'all... we are nearly-20-years-in-the-making a magickal friendship that has withstood time, space, hate, love, and everything between. Furthermore, he has been vital to my being able to move to Amsterdam and understand the process of gaining residency so that my boyfriend and I can be together on the same continent.

Isn't life AMAZING?!!

More details to come...

An Ocean Apart

AN OCEAN APART
(for him)

Now we are together
sitting outside in the sunshine
But soon we'll be apart
and soon it'll be night at noon

Now things are fine
the clouds are far away up in the sky
But soon I'll be on a plane
and soon you'll feel the cold rain

You promised to stay in touch
when we're apart
You promised before i left
that you'll always love me.

Time goes by
and people cry
and everything goes too fast

Now we have each other
enjoying each moment
with one another
But soon I'll be miles away
and soon the phone will be our only way

Now I'm in your arms
Feeling pure love and awe
but soon I'll be alone
and soon your voice will change in tone

You promised we'll never break up
over the telephone
You said our love was stronger
than an ocean apart

Time goes by and people lie
and everything goes too fast

Let's not fool ourselves in vain
this far away trip will give us pain
We'll have to be so strong
to keep our love from going wrong

Distance will make us cold
even put our love on hold
But soon we'll meet again
and soon it'll be bright at noon again

You promised not to lose faith
in our love when i'm away
You promised so much to me
but now you've left me

We go by and then we lie
and all this time we wasted
Time goes by
and people lie
and everything goes too fast

Time went by
and then we died
and everything went too fast

everything went too fast
everything went too fast
everything went too fast

- Julie Delpy / Before Sunset

Troy And Michael Speak!

For those of you who know of my work in channeling and counseling, it might come as a treat for you to know that I have also been putting together audio podcasts to complement the work at the TruthLoveEnergy.com site!

If you have NO interest in channeling, metaphysics, and other philosophical ponderings about the self, the universe, and life, then this podcast will probably bore the hell out of you. BUT, if you know my work, or you have even the most remote interest in self-awareness, personal growth, spirituality, etc., you just might get a little inspiration from this work.

Before listening to a podcast, it's a really good idea to read the BASIC INTRO at the site so that you have a little idea about the basic terminology. There is also a JANUARY podcast that you may have missed!

February 2007: Energy Report, Past Lives, Ghosts, Old Souls, and Defensiveness

EPISODE 2.1
February 2007

This episode focuses on: The ENERGY REPORT from Michael for the first three months of the year; IN THE NEWS with a bizarre and intriguing past life tale behind the recent comical plot of the Astronaut woman to keep her man; BACK TO BASICS with a focus on how to better understand and use the Focused/Creative Energy Ratio and Frequency of our Souls; BEYOND THE BASICS opens the floor to Michael for sharing their perception of what a "ghost" really is; LISTENER EMAILS bring comments from Michael about what Older Souls can do internally and externally as a way to attract and nurture relationships with other Older Souls; and MINI-MICHAEL focuses on DEFENSIVENESS and ways to catch it, understand it, and use it to our advantage for self-awareness.

LISTEN THROUGH THE TruthLoveEnergy Site HERE

Or

Subscribe through iTunes by searching for "Troy And Michael Speak"

RSS feed here: http://feeds.feedburner.com/TroyAndMichaelSpeak

ENJOY!

The Coveted Color of BLACK

Harold Ford, Jr above IS BLACK (enough),

but Barack Obama below is NOT BLACK (enough)

And Oprah "USED to be Black..."

What does it mean when someone who is "Black" is considered NOT Black by other Blacks?

I just saw the interview with DEBRA DICKERSON, author of THE END OF BLACKNESS, on Colbert Report who claims that for a Black person to have a right to claim he or she is "Black," he or she must be descendants of slaves and regularly suffer discrimination. Ironically, I would think this BROADENS the range of people who could then be called "Black," countering her efforts.

This question of "Blackness" seems to be raised by the wake of Barack Obama's potential Presidential candidacy, who is Black, but... apparently NOT "Black enough." According to several political commentaries and "officially" Black authors, bloggers, and writers and speakers, if a Black person does not suffer victimization on a constant basis and is not a direct descendant of slaves, then he or she is just... NOT Black. It's even said that Oprah Winfrey is not Black "anymore," which is meant as a condemning comment against her philanthropic wealth and her broad appeal, which happens to include a vast array of White women. So, this means you can actually LOSE your Blackness? It is also claimed that "Blackness" is a commodity that needs to be harnessed by the "appropriate" "Black" people so that it can be used more powerfully in politics and not as just another word for "Negro."

Needless to say, I'm very confused.

I wonder why such an emphasis on this differentiation? I've even read it put as "they are not one of us!" To me, this is getting unhealthy, but maybe I am just not understanding. There are multitude versions of "Whites," but no one nationality or group lays claim to it as a political power or eager banner of pride, and when they DO, they are considered extremists and they are really scary people ("White Power" bullshit).

So is all of this a matter of "Black Extremists," or are they on to something legitimate here that we should begin to consider more seriously and carefully?

Lava Love II

Well, this is interesting...

Following my Lava Love dream the other night, and then the bird dream that was followed by contact with a real bird, the Lava Love dream now seems to have a counterpart in Waking State. I turn on the T.V. tonight for some background noise as I work, and what do I find... a movie on SciFi called DISASTER ZONE: Volcano In New York! LOL! Yes, it is over-dramatic and filled with stock footage, but I just thought the synchronicity was interesting. Especially as the visuals have the ground softening, boiling up, and swallowing homes and buildings. It's not QUITE the apocalypse of my dream the other night, but it's just... interesting.

Birds Of A Feather

Wow... another odd dream, followed by even stranger Waking State:

I dreamt I was interacting with a really playful bird; something like a little parakeet, but not a parakeet. Maybe something like a Conure? Or maybe a baby parrot? The bird was really affectionate, as most birds are (and unless you have cared for a bird, you probably don't know how amazingly affectionate and sweet a bird is). It would ride on my finger, clamp his beak onto my finger, gently, and make those sweet bird noises I remember so fondly. At one point the bird was walking about and around a little dog's ears and head, grooming the hair on the dog, and the dog would just nuzzle the bird. I don't know whose dog this was, but the bird and the little dog got along just fine. I was laughing and just feeling really good about all of this cross-species affection and kindness. The little dog would occasionally open his mouth to try to lick the bird, but the bird would open his own mouth and try to pick at the dog's tongue. It was hilarious (in my dream).

I then made some kind of joke out loud about how the little dog had better be careful because he could hurt the bird unwittingly, and I put my fingers on the back of the bird's neck to kind of mimic an accidental attack, and to move the bird a bit away from the dog's face. The bird freaked out in a loud squawk and then collapsed!!

I could not believe I just killed this little bird! It just lay there. I picked the bird up and felt this horrible wash of sadness and regret and shame for killing it. And then I just decided this can't be happening...

I put the bird to my face and blew into his beak. I kept blowing in rhythms and could feel the bird's belly fill, then empty as I breathed. I then took my finger and thumped it gently against the bird's chest in a rhythm, too. I did this for about a minute... and then lay the bird back down to leave him alone. I was devastated.

And then the bird shook on his side, lifted his head, eyes bleary, and then shook himself to his feet, feathers ruffling, and going back into place. He looked up at me, ran his little feet over the few inches to me, and just started nuzzling and making bird noises! I was SO HAPPY!

So that was the dream... but tonight, as I went to do my laundry, I was putting my clothes in the washers, and suddenly I saw something right in my face at the edge of the washer's top. My eyes focused and it was a BIRD!!!

A teeny, adorable little sparrow! He just sat there. I didn't want to scare him because he is already apparently trapped in a basement laundry room, so I just looked at him for a second and stood still. The little bird walked toward me, so raised out my finger very gently and reached for him to pet him. He let me! It then dawned on me that he may be really sick or something and I started thinking of ways I may be able to catch him and help him, but before those those thoughts could finish, the little bird flew up on my shoulder, chirped really happily, and then flew incredibly acrobatically out the door of the laundry room, around the corner, and then out a crack in the door that led from the basement to outside.

What the...!?? Any dream/symbols of life interpreters out there?

Lava Love

I had this most amazing dream the other night:

As some of you already know, I seem to have a constant stream of apocalyptic dreams in which I am running for my life, and I never really see how they end... I just remember the running.

Well, in this dream the world was folding in on itself. Yes... folding in on itself.

The ground around the world was losing solidity, softening and churning, swallowing people, homes, cities, continents, and replacing it all with molten lava. No one knew where it would hit next, but we did know that it seem to be spreading exponentially. As the earth began to fold in the distance from Manhattan, there was a stillness in the air, with little panic from the city. People were going to rooftops to watch the glowing horizon gently silent the screams of people in the distance, instantly turning people and things into bursts of flames. As the ocean around us started steaming and shifting and parts of the city began to fall, I went down to to the streets with others who were anticipating trying to maneuver the flooding and folding of land and lava. At one point, the ground completely dropped from below me and my arms caught on the ledge of earth left behind, which allowed me to climb up and out of the huge canyon of heat, but as I stood to steady myself, more of the ground began to drop, forcing me to run and climb away in a race against this spreadig collapse. I was able to find solid footing and I stopped to look around me at the people falling into holes, canyons, fires, lava, being buried in debris and rubble...

Then, quietly and softly, an arm came around my waist. In the dream I seemed to know who it was, but in Waking State, I really don't know who it is. His arm came around and I embraced back. We stood in this one solid spot as the ground around us was replaced by lava, crust, and heat. There was grass and a small tree where we stood, so we lowered ourselves down to sit and lean into each other's arms. The world was gone. It was silent.

And suddenly the ground stopped shifting. My view pulled up and away from us to see both of us weeping and quiet, looking out into the nothingness, sitting on the only green island left in the world. The earth around our little island was blackened and red, but it began to solidify and cool.

We didn't even react to this...

We just wondered how and why we were the only ones left in the world... or if there were other survivors.

All Flowers In Time Lean Toward The Sun

39!

I have been DYING to write in my blog for all kinds of reasons related to life and what is happening, but I have been holding off, intentionally, so as to kind of start of my new year on my actual BIRTHDAY!

Yup, today is my birthday! 39 Years Old. Amazing. Fascinating. Bizarre.

One of the strangest things to watch in this world is the aging of a person. The stigma against growing old is so insidious, so permeating, that even when you feel great about growing old, you are considered at least a little bit in denial at best, and just flat-out lying or crazy at worst. Well, I am one of those crazy people in denial, I guess, because I have loved growing older.

Sure, it is baffling to look in the mirror and see the subtle and not-so-subtle changes of time and space writing the stories of experience into your face (and chest, and belly, and legs, and....) but it's beautiful. It is beautiful.

My body is my story... is part of my story, at least. Yes, it's a bit scribbley and wadded up in places, but there are notes saved here that have saved my life.

If my emotions and spirit and mind were able to be seen as clearly by others, they would also show scars, wrinkles, depths and exhaustion; those other "bodies" would reflect my compassion, my wisdom, my evolution. In the same way that it is baffling to look into the mirror at your body, it can be as baffling to look into the mirror of a relationship and find the strangeness of aging there, too. It's all just a part of our story. And everyone has a story that is eventually written across the skin, the mind, the emotions, and the soul.

However little we appreciate this, I trust that there are levels within us that truly grasp the truth of this beauty that transcends the local and current societal pressures and taboos. All Flowers In Time Bend Toward The Sun... there must be SOME shared level of consciousness among all of us that knows and feels the truth and beauty of the process of life. It's there... I see it hidden beneath the pressures and pain of others hiding from age. It's there...

The secrets of youthfulness are not found in Anti-aging assaults against the self and a dread against aging. Ironically, the fastest ways to look and feel old is through those very things. Can you imagine the impact upon the body, mind, heart, and soul from the resentment and resistance against seeing the effects of our amazing stories? This is a weight that I choose not to carry.

When the day comes that I die, my load will be light, and I hope my story was something someone found worth weaving into the story of his or her own skin, as well.

As part of my birthday gift to myself, I have decided to clarify my intent in writing in my blog from now, on. Rather than treat this only as a journal for collecting experiences, commentary, and rants, I am turning this into a place to explore the "Higher Side of CocteauBoy." When I look back through my blog in the years to come, I'd love to see the insights, solutions, and inspiration that I was able to pull forth from me, rather than just the daily-ness of existence.

I'm also looking to make this more interactive, with questions posed to readers. I'm really interested in feedback and personal experiences related to what I may write.

So, for starters, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT YOUR GROWING OLDER? Do you see the beauty in this, or just the closing in of death? Do you find the youthfulness in your flow and embrace of life, or do you find apathy, resentment, and boredom within the conclusion of aging? When you answer, include your age, too!

Smart Boys (and Girls) are Vegans/Vegetarians!

Below is a recent release regarding the British Medical Journal and is something that a lot of Vegans and Vegetarians probably already knew. It seems the scientific data to support the notion that Vegetarianism/Veganism is not only a compassionate choice, but a choice that is made from a higher intelligence, is on the rise...

FRIDAY, Dec. 15 (HealthDay News) -- As a child's IQ rises, his taste for meat in adulthood declines, a new study suggests.

British researchers have found that children's IQ predicts their likelihood of becoming vegetarians as young adults -- lowering their risk for cardiovascular disease in the process. The finding could explain the link between smarts and better health, the investigators say.

"Brighter people tend to have healthier dietary habits," concluded lead author Catharine Gale, a senior research fellow at the MRC Epidemiology Resource Centre of the University of Southampton and Southampton General Hospital.

Recent studies suggest that vegetarianism may be associated with lower cholesterol, reduced risk of obesity and heart disease. This might explain why children with high IQs tend to have a lower risk of heart disease in later life.

The report is published in the Dec. 15 online edition of the British Medical Journal.

"We know from other studies that brighter children tend to behave in a healthier fashion as adults -- they're less likely to smoke, less likely to be overweight, less likely to have high blood pressure and more likely to take strenuous exercise," Gale said. "This study provides further evidence that people with a higher IQ tend to have a healthier lifestyle."

In the study, Gale's team collected data on nearly 8,200 men and women aged 30, whose IQ had been tested when they were 10 years of age.

"Children who scored higher on IQ tests at age 10 were more likely than those who got lower scores to report that they were vegetarian at the age of 30," Gale said.

The researchers found that 4.5 percent of participants were vegetarians. Of these, 2.5 percent were vegan, and 33.6 percent said they were vegetarian but also ate fish or chicken.

There was no difference in IQ score between strict vegetarians and those who said they were vegetarian but who said they ate fish or chicken, the researchers add.

Vegetarians were more likely to be female, of higher social class and better educated, but IQ was still a significant predictor of being vegetarian after adjustment for these factors, Gale said.

"Vegetarian diets are associated with lower cardiovascular disease risk in a number of studies, so these findings suggest that a such a diet may help to explain why children or adolescents with a higher IQ have a lower risk of coronary heart disease as adults," Gale said.

One expert said the findings aren't the whole answer, however.

"This study left many unanswered questions such as: Did the vegetarian children grow up in a household with a vegetarian parent? Were meatless meals regularly served in the household? Were the children eating a primarily vegetarian diet at the age of 10?" said Lona Sandon, an assistant professor of clinical nutrition at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center at Dallas.

"In addition, we don't know the beliefs or attitudes of the parents of the children, nor do we know if there was a particular event that led these children to becoming vegetarian in their teens or adulthood," Sandon said.

As the study showed, more women than men chose a vegetarian diet, Sandon noted. "Other research shows that women in general will focus more on their health than men. So, if they believe that a vegetarian diet will have health benefits, they are more likely to follow it," she said.

Given these factors, "we cannot draw any solid conclusions from this research," Sandon added.

Another expert agreed that a vegetarian diet is healthy.

"The evidence linking vegetarianism to good health outcomes is very strong," said Dr. David L. Katz, the director of the Prevention Research Center and an associate professor of public health at the Yale University School of Medicine.

"Studies, for example, of vegetarian Seventh-Day Adventists in California suggest that they have lower rates of almost all major chronic diseases, and greater longevity, than their omnivorous counterparts," Katz said. "Evidence is also strong and consistent that greater intelligence, higher education, and loftier social status -- which tend to cluster with one another -- also correlate with good health."