Life's Too Short To Make Things Last

I've been quietly (and not so quietly) having a really hard time with my breakup. It's such a stupid looking thing from the outside, but when you are inside that kind of rejection, god, the things that run through your heart and mind... For me it's like every hateful, angry, "told-you-so" inner criticism of myself and my life comes out in crescendo. I've been finding myself hating Nick and mustering the strength to completely remove him from my life. I know this is not what I want, but there is a sort of satisfying sense of punishment found in that possibility; "if i can't have you, then you can't have me AT ALL!" That kind of thing...

Anyway, I know this stage is as normal as any other and I will heal and it will pass.

Last night I obligated myself to some cocktails with Nick and Don because of it being Nick's ex-coworker-slash-obnoxious-acquaintance's birthday. (NOTE: Nick would rarely, if ever, go out on a weeknight just for drinks and socializing, but oh, have some obnoxious, ex-coworker off-handedly invite and he is there! ) We went to XL in Chelsea and actually had a good time, punctuated by my occasional badgering of Nick as to WHY WHY WHY did he dump me. I am sure he just loves that. Otherwise we had to listen to his obnoxious, car-salesman, loud-mouthed acquaintance scream out faux-jock "woo hoo's" peppered with "oh I LOVE HERRRRRRR!" when someone like Britney or Christina came whoring onto a video monitor.

Interestingly as the night wore on, Nick and I discovered that most of us there were only remotely connected to this guy, all of us being mere acquaintances, which was at once a bonding factor and also just sad. I did end up with two guy's numbers by the end of the night. I may be in mourning, but I have been dumped and my ass isn't going to be moping around shunning men.

Speaking of... I have YET to follow through with actually going on a date with any guy who has asked me out. I just keep making excuses and delaying it. Dating seems so tiresome right now, even though I actually have some really cool guys to go out with and just have fun. Luckily, they all seem to be just nice guys with very embracing and earthy attitudes (except a couple of them). I will take the plunge soon enough. No rush.

On the artistic front: a long time ago I was browsing through STRAND BOOKSTORE in the village just trying to find something fictional to read. I read so much non-fiction that sometimes I just want a really great fiction book to get into. I found this gay-themed, sort-of-adventure-coming-of-age, book called IN AWE. I was less impressed by the actual story than by the author, SCOTT HEIM. For some reason he struck me. As I went to read the book later, I saw in his "gratitude" notes that he thanked Elizabeth, Robin, and Simon for "constant inspiration". I could not believe I was reading that!! A random author I had just found was thanking Cocteau Twins!!??? Cut to years later now, I am updating my own web site and entering a link to Cocteau Twins' web site... I happen to check in on the site and read the latest news... Robin, of the now-defunct Cocteau Twins, along with Harold Budd (who worked with Cocteau Twins on a project called MOON AND THE MELODIES) will be scoring the soundtrack to one of Scott's novels being made into a movie!!

Congratulations, Scott! Your life is my fantasy!!

Troy

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Scars N Stars

First off, I think I have injured myself when working out. I don't think I should still be this sore in such a specific area. The muscle/tendon right above my elbow is actually kind of bulging and I can barely lift my hands to my face. Hmmm, I will have to see.

DREAMS:

I dreamt that I was with someone and I am not sure how we heard or knew this, but we knew a friend/acquaintance of ours was in a bizarre predicament in his apartment. It almost feels like I and that person with me were detectives investigating a report, but I am not sure. Anyway, when we entered into the apartment of the friend (or person having been reported), we found him with his face/head smashed into a high part of a wall, with his head completely pushed into the wall to his neck. His neck had been broken and he was hanging all limp about 3 feet off the ground. You couldn't even see his head, it was pushed in so completely. It was particularly startling because the space that his head was pushed into seemed too small, like his head must have had to have been crushed to get it through. I went over to lift his body up, to take pressure off of the neck, and that's when the guy spoke!! I could see his lips and eyes moving as he spoke from his mangled head. I cannot remember what he said to me now, but it was a message.

Next I dreamt that I was pressing on my right chest muscle and massaging it because a sharp pain was shooting through. Somehow there was a discussion about the fact that my heart was actually scarred.

[note: yesterday in Waking Life, I really did have a sharp pain in my chest that caused me to massage my chest]

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CHUBBY TRUBBLES

Bruises, Bruises...

So last night was my first night doing my weight lifting routine.

One of the very fit men from the gym showed me around the machines I was scheduled to do, being very patient and very instructive. I have a workout plan (generated from www.workoutplan.com) that is designed for weight loss and lean muscle building and scheduled for five days a week. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday are Cardio workouts (running, biking, rowing, stepping), and Tuesday and Thursdays are weights, focused on lean muscle development. The very fit man from the gym commented that I had a "great workout plan", so I guess that site knows what it is doing.

Okay, first of all, I just realized it is freaking me out that I am talking about a GYM or WORKING OUT. Well, as with my breakup, new dating life, and working out,... it is all just another adventure in the end. I can't believe how enthused and committed I am to getting in shape, but I'm going to do this... for me.

One of the things you may not realize is how HARD it is for me to type this morning!! My arms are killing me, but not where you would think they would be (like the bi- or triceps). No, they are aching and difficult right around the ELBOW! Now... what the hell??!! I think I did the "Lat-Pulldown" exercise incorrectly or something, because I just can't imagine why someone would need to work out an ELBOW muscle? I'm trying to remember if I have ever commented to myself about how fit someone's elbow area is? I just don't think so. So this is either a stupid pain in my elbow from a misused weight machine, or I am just not educated enough yet about this working out stuff.

DREAM

I dreamt about "C" last night. I haven't even met the guy yet, but we have a strong online interaction going, so I am looking forward to our date Thursday night. He is a temperamental, fucking brat, who throws tantrums and expresses severe cynicism on a regular basis, so it is clear why I am attracted (god help me). In my dream last night we had just met and I was surprised by how big he is, as in tall and big-boy-ish. I do know he is over 6 feet tall in Waking Life. When we met, we were all giddy and silly and joked about how scared we were that we would reject each other in 3D. There were other people with us, but I am not sure who they were. Oddly, he made me stand up in front of him and he laughed happily as he made me do a turn around in front of him. He helped turn me by putting his hands on my waist and moving me in a slow spin. He was so excited and laughing, commenting on how he could not understand why I would ever have been concerned. So then I affectionately made HIM get up and do a turn around for me. I was very surprised by how "hard" his body felt in my dream, but at the same time it was so soft, through his clothes. One of the mystery people with us asked him to show his tummy, so he begrudgingly leaned back on this stool and pulled up his shirt. He was very fit, but that was the least attractive thing about him in my dream. Instead, I was totally attracted to his playfulness and ability to poke fun at our fears. Making us do a spin in front of each other like some kind of cattle auction seemed to put things into perspective and make us laugh and get that whole stupid distraction out of the way.

Cut to us walking around someplace I didn't recognize, but it seemed "small town", like a semi-residential neighborhood. We were walking Spyder and talking and laughing. Somehow Spyder got loose and took off running, and though she had a long delay in responding to my calling her back, she did eventually come back and I was so relieved.

Hmmmm....

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LIVIN' LARGE

After a long, long day of work, and despite the tempation to skip it, I made my first step into the gym! I barely made it before it closed, giving me about 30 minutes to do exactly what I had gone to do: walk fastly for 30 minutes on a treadmill. To help me with my newfound enthusiasm for fitness, I bought some simple, but cozy and cool sweats and a couple of cheap t-shirts and a good ole hat to throw on before and after. I walked at 3.5 mph at a 6.0 grade for 30 minutes and then a cool down. My damn legs were burning and I felt like I was walking on rubber when I stepped off of the treadmill. I wondered if I would feel self-conscious in the gym and for the most part, I didn't feel anything except my focus. My music helped, though I swear, just one teensy step with the wrong angle or timing and I would have flown off the belt. I had to really focus and just keep walking, walking, walking... Luckily, there were very few people there that late at night.

And even luckier that no one saw the large, long strip of tape running up the side of my new sweats reading [size: L L L L L L L L L L]. I found it as I bent to breathe after my long, intense walk...

Tomorrow is my first weights work out! WOO HOO!

...And Away We Go!

Euthanasia of the Heart
It is at once exciting and very sad that I am single again. I had that few days where everything seemed perfectly alright and then I was hit for about 3 weeks of grieving and sadness; nothing debilitating or too difficult, but just surprising. I know Nick didn't intend to hurt me, so I don't take it as a hurtful choice of his to move in a different direction than we thought (for nearly four years!) Still, I miss everything about our relationship; and because that is the only way I have ever known Nick, he now seems like a stranger to me. I think that makes me the saddest of all. I'm trying very hard to be his friend, but for now I can't seem to reconcile the momentum of our routines, concerns, plans, and affections as boyfriends and these new, muted behaviors that would support only friendship. It's just awful to have to make a profound effort to let someone go, but even worse to actively have to kill a happy, loving, affectionate part of your Being so that it can accommodate a new version of a relationship. But I am trying.

Dating Delirium
In an effort to "move on" and harness the tiny part of me that might be excited by being single again, I have actively announced my single-hood and posted/updated my Personals Ads everywhere. I've received numerous friendly, complimentary responses, which is nice, but 99% are, of course, not compatible with me (based on reading their ads). I am not opposed to going out with someone who appears incompatible with me, but there must be SOMETHING intriguing about that person. Sometimes that intrigue is in their look, sometimes it is in their interests, sometimes it is just intuition.

So today, or sometime this week, I am going on my first date with one of about 4 possibilities I have decided are of interest, with one particular guy in the lead. Ironically, this one is the most interesting, intriguing, and challenging of all of them, with very little in common!

In my fantasies, I always want to date someone "just like me". I have this general idea about what I am attracted to, and lo and behold, I never EVER end up with that kind of person. NEVER. I have NEVER dated someone like me. I can only conclude that there is some freakish part of me that loves the learning more than the idea of comfortable love. I think I have this idea that love must be challenging and stretching of my capabilities.

The first guy (I will call him "C") I am going out with is an adorable, gorgeous, impatient, restless, calloused, homo-hoodlum with a caustic sense of humor and a secretly-huge heart. I think I am attracted to the contradiction within him. He is pierced, defensive, cynical, and arrogant, yet this seems to cloak a creative, gentle, yearning, devoted heart. We have spoken on the phone, exchanged emails constantly, chatted for hours and hours, and developed that strange, deep affection across the internet. I really can't wait to meet him. I am sure that even if we aren't attracted to each other in 3D, we would be very interesting friends to each other.

There are other guys I want to plan to meet and go out with, but I am terrible at that part. I have a hard time "dating around". Once I have met one, I feel like I can't meet any others until I determine what's going on with one. I am weird.

Another guy I am seriously interested in meeting is "M": a very cool, ex-club kid poster boy from the 90s with a genius streak and an over-the-top, semi-famous presence in the NYC underground and across the web. He wrote me in response to my blog when I announced I had been dumped (hi "m"!) I guess he has been a fan of my website and varying incarnations of my blog for about year!

Who knows what will come of the New Year... I have been dumped and I am on the rebound and I am working harder than ever, even joining a gym! It seems so ironic that now that my life is so much more stable, defined, and happy, that my boyfriend would find it important to dump me. Ahhhh, the irony.

DREAMS:

I have been having massively-packed dreams lately, but I couldn't remember them. I remember Friday's and Saturday's, though.

Friday: I dreamt I was walking around Brooklyn Heights with Don and I kind of wanted to go home. It was chilly, grwasn'tand damp out. Don wasn't ready to stop hanging out, I could tell, so I suggested walking across the Brooklyn Bridge. I suggested this, but I remember thinking that surely he would dismiss that option because it was so cold, windy, and late. Instead, he blindly said, "oh! Ok!" I was annoyed, but couldn't back out, so I started making comments as we climbed to the bridge, pointing out how long it was and how it was farther across than it appeared. Don continued oblivious to my disinterest in doing this. As we walked onto the walkway of the bridge, instead of it going straight across, it severely curved upwards like a giant skate ramp. We pushed forward, climbing the ever-steeper incline until the incline literally became vertical enough that you had to climb by hanging onto something. Toward the top, we were actually climbing by sticking our feet and hands into grooves worn into dirt, as if the material of the bridge had now become the side of a very steep hill. We reached the top and found a room. Gently, I began to remember that I had been there before. There were people there, milling about and having cocktails. Some people said hello to me as if they remembered me. I was fascinated by how high we were and wondered how everyone got there. It seemed at this point Don went wandering off. I went to a doorway that led to one of the huge cables that hold the bridge together. I remembered it used to be okay for us to scoot out onto the cables, but people had fallen and died, so it was discouraged. I still found myself hanging onto the thinner cables and standing on the giant barrel cable, working my way out about 10 feet. I suddenly had a flash of a couple of people falling, watching them seem to go in slow motion, and then seeing one of them hit a part of the bridge and slice himself in two. Suddenly I got really nervous and wanted to get back inside, but I also made a note to myself in the dream that the memory of others falling was from a previous lifetime and that I had been one of the people who had worked on building the Brooklyn Bridge!

Saturday: I dreamt I was on the set of part of the filming of the remaking of DAWN OF THE DEAD. Now I can't remember much, but it was scary. I also dreamt that Michael Myers (of Austin Powers fame) had responded to my personals ad! What up wit dat!?

MOVIES:

2 rather disappointing movies seen recently: THE SECRET WINDOW and DAWN OF THE DEAD. Both were very well-done movies overall, but there was nothing of substance to them. I mean, I was not on the edge of my seat, the plots were predictable, and I left feeling nothing. They looked good and should have been exciting, but they were not. I was disappointed in both, even though they were worth seeing. Dawn of the Dead I would see again if in the mood, but Secret Window, I would not. 28 Days Later was much more genius and scary compared to this Dawn of the Dead remake (and I actually liked the original much more). Secret Window was good ONLY because it is such a treat to look at Johnny Depp and watch him act. He is oddly mesmerizing and so likeable. Secret Window, however, is a Stephen King story and is a recycled story of The Dark Half (quote: "Novelist (Tim Hutton) is shocked to discover the alias he uses for some of his books, has manifested itself and is acting on the violent urges and thoughts the author has.") Hello, that's the same story as Secret Window. And I don't know if it is supposed to be tongue-in-cheek, but Timothy Hutton was in this film, too. This film would have done better as an Outer Limits episode.