Life's Too Short To Make Things Last

I've been quietly (and not so quietly) having a really hard time with my breakup. It's such a stupid looking thing from the outside, but when you are inside that kind of rejection, god, the things that run through your heart and mind... For me it's like every hateful, angry, "told-you-so" inner criticism of myself and my life comes out in crescendo. I've been finding myself hating Nick and mustering the strength to completely remove him from my life. I know this is not what I want, but there is a sort of satisfying sense of punishment found in that possibility; "if i can't have you, then you can't have me AT ALL!" That kind of thing...

Anyway, I know this stage is as normal as any other and I will heal and it will pass.

Last night I obligated myself to some cocktails with Nick and Don because of it being Nick's ex-coworker-slash-obnoxious-acquaintance's birthday. (NOTE: Nick would rarely, if ever, go out on a weeknight just for drinks and socializing, but oh, have some obnoxious, ex-coworker off-handedly invite and he is there! ) We went to XL in Chelsea and actually had a good time, punctuated by my occasional badgering of Nick as to WHY WHY WHY did he dump me. I am sure he just loves that. Otherwise we had to listen to his obnoxious, car-salesman, loud-mouthed acquaintance scream out faux-jock "woo hoo's" peppered with "oh I LOVE HERRRRRRR!" when someone like Britney or Christina came whoring onto a video monitor.

Interestingly as the night wore on, Nick and I discovered that most of us there were only remotely connected to this guy, all of us being mere acquaintances, which was at once a bonding factor and also just sad. I did end up with two guy's numbers by the end of the night. I may be in mourning, but I have been dumped and my ass isn't going to be moping around shunning men.

Speaking of... I have YET to follow through with actually going on a date with any guy who has asked me out. I just keep making excuses and delaying it. Dating seems so tiresome right now, even though I actually have some really cool guys to go out with and just have fun. Luckily, they all seem to be just nice guys with very embracing and earthy attitudes (except a couple of them). I will take the plunge soon enough. No rush.

On the artistic front: a long time ago I was browsing through STRAND BOOKSTORE in the village just trying to find something fictional to read. I read so much non-fiction that sometimes I just want a really great fiction book to get into. I found this gay-themed, sort-of-adventure-coming-of-age, book called IN AWE. I was less impressed by the actual story than by the author, SCOTT HEIM. For some reason he struck me. As I went to read the book later, I saw in his "gratitude" notes that he thanked Elizabeth, Robin, and Simon for "constant inspiration". I could not believe I was reading that!! A random author I had just found was thanking Cocteau Twins!!??? Cut to years later now, I am updating my own web site and entering a link to Cocteau Twins' web site... I happen to check in on the site and read the latest news... Robin, of the now-defunct Cocteau Twins, along with Harold Budd (who worked with Cocteau Twins on a project called MOON AND THE MELODIES) will be scoring the soundtrack to one of Scott's novels being made into a movie!!

Congratulations, Scott! Your life is my fantasy!!

Troy

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