Wednesday, May 04, 2005

The Pain of Condemnation

Wow.

Have any of you ever started to become friends with someone with whom you felt a grand rapport to the point of intuitive ease and then had that person completely pull the rug out from under your budding friendship?

Well, I'm sitting here tonight in the wake of just that experience, feeling really stupid and thoroughly rejected.

It's a very mournful feeling; like someone just committed suicide. You know, you feel angry and sad at the same time, and then you feel like, well, that was HIS choice; what can I do? And then the feelings start a new cycle...

The other thing that's strange about this experience is that in the end it feels like you SHOULDN'T care, but then there is this part of you that's still in a momentum of caring because, well, you were just side-swiped out of nowhere with a busload of rejection. No explanation, no logic, no heart... just... WHAM!

It's really kinda awful, but only because I am making it that way, I guess. The truth is, I was never really cared about by this person and I will eventually, quickly, accept that, but I think I'm still in a little bit of shock. If someone can so easily erase you from his life and his thoughts and his interactions, then really, how much can that person have ever cared about you? To think I felt so happy and close as we started being friends is now just embarassing.

I'm sad, too, but not just because of the loss on my part. I mean, I really made a huge effort to be his friend, even through his distractions and his grief over the loss of a potential boyfriend, and most importantly through his sudden apathy and rejection of me; so it makes me sad that he could so easily walk away with not even a proper explanation or thoughtful goodbye.

And up until his sudden judgment against me, the efforts toward friendship were totally mutual and strong; not one-sided at all. Well, or so he led me to believe. I can be naive sometimes. Sometimes people just need you for a while and they don't really see you. Yeah, maybe I was kinda like a prop for him for a short while and now more exciting things are on the horizon for him? I don't know...

I didn't see this coming at all, though. I feel kinda kicked. I have been judged, condemned, and apparently I have now been buried.

So, goodbye, you-know-who. I don't know what happened, but despite that, I do wish you well.

2 comments:

Yvonne said...

I am sorry this happened to you. I don't know if it will help, but sometimes people do things like this to PROTECT themselves from their own vulnerabilities. I don't mean that you did anything to threaten him, I just mean that perhaps you represented something that HE felt drawn to but afraid of at the same time. Because this would originate completely within his psychological cadre, you would never even know about it.

You have a powerful and influential personality. I can sense this JUST FROM YOUR BLOG. That may have attracted him but also intimidated him. Maybe he felt that he couldn't "live up to you".

I hope that made sense and was helpful. It's hard to be insightful about people you don't know well.

CocteauBoy said...

Citrus, no, that was very insightful and appreciated. Thanks for taking time to help me out here... xox

troy