When it Rains, it POURS

That cliché is SO appropriate right now in my life. I'm not even going to go into the details, and only because this blog has taken such a dark turn, it is time for some light.

But still, I did get caught in a HUGELY WET downpour yesterday on my errands.

I left in my little shorts, t-shirt, and sandals; traipsing to the grocery store for some dinner items and household needs. It was just a bit of a sun-shower at that point and I don't mind the rain. I actually like it and I LOVE storms. And I rarely use an umbrella. In fact, umbrellas are probably the most violent means of selfishness on any city street.

Have you ever been GOUGED by the wires of someone's umbrella as he or she barges forward with no sight or bearings?! It is truly violating. I think people should take "Umbrella-Use Classes." I think the city should require a license to carry one. And it would be REALLY easy to pull from the crowd anyone who hadn't passed the Umbrella Class. They would be the ones skewering everyone else's eyes and knocking other people into the street and into walls as they freakishly scurry along as if they will just DIE if they get a drop of rain on them.

So... anyway... as I stood in line to leave the grocery store, it was like the windows all dropped from sun-shower light to a white-grey wetness and I couldn't see anyone on the sidewalk. I stepped out onto the sidewalk for my retreat home, but found a throng of people huddled just outside, under the awning of the grocery. When I saw the super-fast flooding streets, I thought twice about walking casually out into it as I would normally have done. I stood with the gang and watched the street fill so fast with water that it would take a rather powerful leap to get anywhere onto the other side of the stream that was building. It was like a mini-raging river!

After about 10 minutes, I just couldn't wait any longer and I braved it. I just walked out into it and the water washed up and over and into my sandals as deep as my ankles. I could barely see because of the water in my eyes running down from my now-plastered hair. I got home, but I was soaked beyond recognition.

Can you see that even the bones in my face are wet?

Now, the reason I'm even writing about this downpour is because I realized that my behavior in the rain is similar to my behavior toward life. I think I live as if I ASSUME I am going to get wet and that however inconvenient it is, I will survive. Furthermore, I know that there is a nourishment in the rain that far outweighs the inconvenience. Thinking about this made me wonder how much one could discover about a person by observing his or her behavior in a rainstorm on the street.

If you were to describe your life in terms of how you handle a rainstorm, what would that say about you? I wonder...

So as I said, "When it rains, it POURS."

THE ANONYMITY OF SHAME

As you can see from the anonymous poster who has taken a liking to taunting me, public journaling has its discomforts. When you write so personally and freely, it is SO LIBERATING, yet it is scary enough that I can see why people only use their blogs as a form of entertainment, or commentary. I took on the practice of blogging so that I could have a record of my inner and outer growth, and if someone can relate to it, then that would be a bonus! In my line of work (counseling, teaching) it isn't new for me to be exposed and vulnerable to strangers. There is a delicious joy in risking everything just to be real and present in your life.

There is a lesson in freeing yourself from the shame of grief, sadness, happiness, self-celebration. I mean, until you are comfortable enough with yourself and your feelings to the extent that ANYONE can say what he or she thinks about them, and you feel very little need for defense, then there is still a bit of shame around certain things in your life. Of course, it doesn't feel good that someone would diminish my feelings and experiences by making rude or nasty comments, but that's okay. His or her opinion is just an offering, I suppose.

Still, there is something creepy about heckling coming from the darkness of anonymity. There's an air of weird threat about it, and an air of cowardice that is of the likes that lead to something more violent.

WELCOME, though, to Mr. or Mrs. Anonymous Heckler!

Maybe some direct attention to you will help you feel the warmth you may need to thaw your cold-hearted attitude. Never be ashamed to own your words. Toss those criticisms at me like bricks through the windows of my emotions. That's fine. I can take it. But I invite you to write your name and remain connected to your attempts to hurt another person. And might I suggest that your anonymity gives me a hint that maybe your heart really is in the right place?

When someone lashes out and then runs and hides, it usually means he or she just needed someone to hear and understand his or her own story.

I'm trying to hear you...

Number 2 of 4: The Reincarnation of NICK

It's no secret that one of the four who were teetering on the fence of my life was Nick, but I now choose to surrender to my friendship with him this early, early morning.

I love him. He loves me. It's really just that simple and to make it more complicated than that is missing the point. Right?

In light of such dismissive and callous behavior from others, I've seen Nick's feelings and love for our friendship really stand up against some very serious blows. I've decided I just don't have the energy or the desire to drive or maintain a wedge of resentment between us.

Of course, this wedge began long ago when I felt so lonely while dating him. I poured my heart into that damn relationship and contorted my heart into a state of meditation as I waited for SOMETHING... ANYTHING to begin to feel something like a real boyfriend relationship. He finally came clean after four years that he only felt "platonic" toward me. Ummm, that feels real nice. (What is it with people downgrading their relationships with me??!!) So after all of that, I've had a really hard time accepting having been dumped (yeah, and I get dumped a lot, too, huh - in fact, twice by Nick) and then immediately made into a friend and then, without skipping a beat, having to deal with several very sensitive issues that have truly enraged me over time as they have recently, finally become gutted out into the open of our relationship. Those issues are still not resolved by any means, but I am realizing I am happier to resolve them than I am to run away from them.

Sigghhh...

So for what it's worth, I'm done questioning my relationship with Nick and living under the pressure of resentment. I'm not sure how to shake it completely, but I am trying. I'd love to write more about the outstanding issues, but I want to honor his preference for some amount of privacy. I am writing all the way up the edge of the issues, but I'll stop right there and work out the rest with him.

CocteauBoy aka Troy aka KrazyMuthaFuka

My GOD, this is such an emotionally discombobulating year!! I'm about to just go crazy.

But then, it's all so exciting, too! I mean, isn't this the point? These kinds of adventures in life? I mean think about it: Wow. I get dumped by a very good friend for no reason after nearly 3 years; I'm on the verge of disowning my ex-boyfriend-come-best-friend because certain lines were WAY crossed, but then I just grit my teeth and choose to do my best to turn that all around...

Okay, and then I have the number 3 of the 4, which is pretty much moot now. I can scratch that off the list of teeters now, too. After nearly 5 months of effort to resolve that situation, and with the expression of confusion from that other party that he was surprised there was a problem at all (oh it is so easy to say there is no problem when you created the damn problem in the first place), I have decided to relegate that potential "friendship" to mere acquaintence status and just let it be. Whatever. We can just as easily have fun as acquaintences. I don't really mind and I really have no hard feelings on that one.

And then the big number 4 of 4... Whoosh! I'm sure there will be a more thorough update about that at some point, but for now, I am still in limbo, at the mercy of his pace and process, but I can now say, after a tedious uphill climb, that there seems to be something good, or at least civil, evolving out of our efforts.

So, isn't this exciting!?

You know, one of my characteristics that is as exploited as it is unnoticed is that as soon as a person makes ANY effort to resolve a conflicting situation, that conflict is halfway diffused for me just by that effort!

I tend to forget very easily; like a dog. Well, I forget,... but only as long as the situation doesn't happen again. As soon as there is even a HINT of a repeated pattern, everything is recalled in minute detail, along with the emotions that laced it all together. I think that's fair, though. I'm not stupid. We still learn from the past, even if we don't have to live there.

Okay, so it seems this year I am my own favorite Lifetime Television Movie of the Week!

So this was a bit lighter and happier entry. I'm not one to avoid the dark stuff of life, but it's nice to always know that a balance is well within reach.

TROY n CARLOS

And throughout all of this, I have the love of my life, Carlos, walking beside me even as I meander and stumble in my emotional drunkeness, smiling warmly at me and reminding me that Loving is actually a very easy thing to do, if you really want to do it.

CYPRUS

And Cyprus, the crowning memory of this life, proving at every turn that there is a reason for the phrase "Best Friend." I should mention here that Cyprus is the one whose friendship broke my own rule against using the word "best" to describe a friend. I hated the idea of having a Best Friend, because that would mean someone else would feel "not-Best" if he or she ever became my friend. I managed for years to make everyone into a friend, even if I didn't have a best one. Then I learned what it meant to have one, and I now, freely recognize what it takes to own that title. It's a beautiful phrase and it doesn't have to be limited to one person. But even if you end this life with only one, it makes all the difference.

Even though I'm being dumped and dissed left and right, it's nice to know that even I have more than one Best Friend: Thank you for that, Nick.

My Newly Rediscovered Best Friend

LOL!

1 of 4: R.I.P. Taren n Troy

If you recall from an earlier entry, I noted my concerns over some strange winds passing through the lands of my friendships. Well, the first of four of my teetering pals has fallen from my life. And wow. It really feels fuckin' shitty.

It is rare that I either find or let someone into the very tender parts of my heart and behind the scenes of my smiles, but I quickly grew close to Taren and found for myself a friend in her. It took me a long time to actually consider her a "friend," because I am very particular about what that word means. I use the word as freely as anyone, but when I use it seriously, I mean it to describe a person who has traveled through Time and Space with you, and he or she still actively seeks to know and love you. One of the reasons I am pretty shy about experiencing a True Friend is because of what has just happened today: I was dumped by Taren.

No explanation. No goodbye. No reason. Just dumped. In my attempts to understand why she might choose something so awful, she merely dismissed the attempts with an ambiguously noble proclamation that she simply lost her affection and closeness for me and it was time to move on.

Not only that; I was dumped through an email.

How meaningless must a person be to someone that she doesn't even want to make the time to say goodbye in person? I would have gladly hugged her into her freedom and wished her well, but now I feel profoundly disposable.

So, tonight the kick to my stomach came from her in the form of an email, confirming a complete lack of interest in pursuing our substantial friendship. I felt sick all night. If you scroll back through my blog, you will see my praises and absolutely fun times with Taren. You will see my edging closer to, and crossing into, the realm of intimacy and friendship. Now, I just feel so used and pointless.

I don't blame her for those feelings, but I actually wouldn't FEEL that way without this catalyst, of course. However, I do take responsibility for how I'm interpreting what it means to be dumped by her. I'm not sure what else it's supposed to mean, yet.

Over the years I have laughed so hard with her; cried with her; held her; danced with her; supported her changes in interests and self-development; showed up for her; defended her; and loved her.

I can only do my best to continue to do the one thing she cannot destroy: love her. I've always believed that if you say you love someone, it just doesn't change because someone rejects you or changes on you. Even though this hurts so bad inside, it doesn't mean I can't love her. And True Love means she is absolved of all impact on me from her choices. It's not the loving that hurts; it's the attachment and the loss.

I will miss her so much.

I know she might continue to read my blog because she has said on many occassions that my blog is such a documentary of her memories in New York City.

So this is to you, Taren. One last entry to wish you well, and to always be a reminder that you are loved, even as you shed our friendship from your life. I wish there was room for me, but this as much a part of my growth and challenge in life as it is yours. I want so badly to learn to truly love people and this is a definite stretch to remember that you are as innocent as anyone else, just trying to do your own thing, and making the choices you feel are best.

I love you.

IN MEMORY...

This image was taken as Taren and I enjoyed a quiet dinner together a long time ago. It was taken during the initial inspirational stages of her new interest in Improvisational Theater. As we sat together, she spontaneously wrote down some really fun ideas for a character. I remember she was so excited and so self-doubting, so I took this picture as she wrote. I told her that one day she would be able to look back at this image and remember where it all began. I told her I believed in her and that the moment would seem so far away after she was finally successful in her pursuit. Well, now it's been over a year since this image was taken and she has not only graduated her Improv classes, but she has continued into many directions with this interest! I am really proud of her.

This image is from Christmas 2003. She wears the locket given to her by Cyprus and seems to enjoy the beautiful book, THE LITTLE PRINCE from Cyprus, as well. I wonder if Taren will see these gifts and find warmth in the memories.

Okay, I am just making myself super sad now... I have to close this with a fun thought and a fun image.

Taren: may you always rest in peace, and live as alive as can be...

To any other of my blog readers: Have you ever been dumped by a friend for no reason? And I mean literally NO REASON. I'd love to hear how you bounced back or dealt with it...

Porn and Plaster

DREAM ENTRY:

I am so behind in recording my dreams, but I'd better not get further behind, so I will just start from last night's.

I had a very odd dream about my upstairs neighbor. First of all, in waking state, these are THE LOUDEST NEIGHBORS we have ever lived under or near. We are convinced that they are building a bowling alley and practicing on it every day and night. They must wear lead boots when they walk, and for GOD'S SAKE, they cannot for the life of them NOT SLAM THEIR DOOR! Anyway,... had to get that out... Oh, and despite my mentioning to them that their pounding and slamming have actually caused plaster to fall from our walls and ceiling (and they continue to pound and slam), I am extremely pleasant to them when I see them. I would rather endure pounding and slamming than to endure an uncomfortable, hostile neighbor. They are new to New York and it seems that people who live or have lived in smaller places have not learned how to contain their own space among other people.

That's one of the keys to living in a metropolis: CONTAIN YOUR SPACE!! Never assume that anything beyond your body is YOURS. Everything beyond your body is SHARED. Get it? We have to walk, breathe, eat, and live together... and acting like it is ALL YOURS does not make for a happy and healthy environment.

Okay, so back to my dream:

Well, the guy from upstairs was in my dream. Why? Who knows... I will try to figure that out, but here's what happened. It seems I was on some soccer field or large grassy area for sports and it was rainy. Some event had happened, but now I can't remember what it was. I had anticipated paying for this event with my credit card. I stood in line and as I approached the window, I saw that it was my upstairs neighbor taking payments through the window. I pulled out my wallet to prepare to pay and I had no cash, but that was okay, since I was paying with my Credit Card. I went to pull out my credit card and it was all busted up. It was as if it had been worn thin from my ass pressing on it in my wallet for so long and it had actually been PRESSED into breaking up. It was paper-thin and crispy and broken up into about 5 pieces. It was my turn at the window and I said, "Oh my god, my credit card is all busted up." He said, "Then I will have to take cash." This was done along with all the pleasantries that would be normal for two people who recognize each other. I had said, "Ohhhh HIiiiii!" and he had been friendly. I said, "Well, I don't have any cash." I knew he could still "use" the credit card and was just being dificult or lazy because he couldn't just swipe the card anymore. I put the credit card into the cup that slid under the thick window and tried to lay it all into a way that it could be read; like putting a puzzle back together. He slid the card out and near him, pieced it together himself, and started typing in the numbers that would otherwise have been able to have been swiped. I told him, "Thank you." I noticed that because he had to go about using the card in a roundabout way, he was able to see all of the charges in the last month or so on my card. He started smirking and containing a slight snicker, so I leaned to an angle, discreetly, so I could see what he was seeing. Several charges on the card appeared to be for porn sites (which would NOT be the case in waking state, thank you)! I was so embarassed, but at the same time, I was like, SO WHAT. I was able to pay just fine and I thought I needed to call my credit card company to get a replacement ASAP. We said cordial goodbyes and I remember thinking he was going to comment on this when I saw him in our building. I sighed and walked out into the rain, deciding to use an umbrella, which I rarely do.

And that's that!

So now my very neighbor who has knocked plaster from our walls has somehow slithered into my dream and my bank account... hmmmm. Am I feeling vulnerable these days?

Any ideas?

The Comeback, The Falldown, The Get-Back-Up

"Well, i GOT it!" LOL!!

If you haven't seen THE COMEBACK, starring Lisa Kudrow, you are missing out on one of the most unique, BIZARRE, televisions shows in history. I'm starting off my return to my blog with an entry about it because it is such a metaphor for my life right now. She bumbles along so naively, thinking everything is so much better than it is, doing her best to keep a smile on her face, and thinking she is way happier than she is. I have never seen something so painfully sad and funny at the same time, except my own life. I know that sounds terrible, but I don't mean it that way.

Please; If I can sit through a comedy series and be utterly riveted by the spectrum of Lisa Kudrow's character, I am in bliss within my own life. I wouldn't trade this life for anything, despite its range from embarrassingly lonely naiveté to hilariously embraced moments of love. And besides, my life isn't unique in its pain or pleasure. It's actually refreshing and comforting to see that my life is more common-than-not, so much so that it's a template for a wonderful comedy! LOL!

Anyway, check out THE COMEBACK. I never appreciated Lisa's acting until now. It is so uncomfortable and truly amazing to watch her character. There is no way to convey the uniqueness of this series. You just have to see it.

Oh yeah, and welcome to my new Blogger Template... I was tired of the darker colors and thought a refreshing green was in need to house my thoughts.

One of the more painfully sad, yet beautiful, things that happened in my life recently was a powerful reunion with my brother. Although we have never hated each other, and we never even really fought, somehow the impact of our childhood sent us out into the world as far possible, as far away from the awful pain of what had been known as "family." It had been 15 years since I had seen him.

I was so scared to reunite with him, not because of HIM, but because he is a direct, living connection to everything terrifying from my childhood. I didn't even realize I was in such resistance to him until I finally had a phone conversation with him. Hearing his voice made me remember everything... EVERYTHING. It was the first time I was feeling the pain again as ME. See, before this reunion, the abuse happened to a little kid I remember, but couldn't really remember as ME. I remembered everything, but I had grown and moved on. I would look back on the abuse and feel so sad for the little kid who endured it, but I felt like an adult who only wished I could have helped "him" more. In my reunion with my brother, it was inescapable: the memories weren't of another person, of a little kid far away in time, but my OWN memories. Suddenly I gave total permission to myself to be sad for ME, not just for a distant memory of me. It was seriously weird and wonderful.

TROY DAD TJ
REUNION 2005

To make things even more poignant, my brother has sent me pictures from when we were children. I hardly have anything from my childhood, so to see physical images and items is magickal and strange for me, like researching a Past Life from a different incarnation.

TY n TROY

TY (aka TJ) n MOM n TROY



TY n TROY



TY n DAD n TROY

I've noticed something very interesting about many of the photos from my childhood: In nearly all photos with me and my mother in them, I am the only one who touches her. You can almost always see that I am touching her in some way. I distinctly remember feeling compelled to do that, too! I remember feeling sorry that she was so angry and mean and that it must be very sad and lonely to be that way. Beyond the insanity that I endured, I still reached out.

I'm still crazy like that, too.

Which brings me to the next topic. Lately I have been experiencing a huge threat to a range of relationships in my life, from my Best Friend to Enjoyable Acquaintances. I want to say that I am experiencing great losses in these areas, but the losses aren't really happening; just the threats. I currently have no less than 4 very important relationships in my life teetering on complete loss. In all of these, the theme is the same: ABSOLUTE IRRESPONSIBILITY. I despise irresponsibility in a friendship, whether this is a result of ignorance or intention. Let me define "responsibility" as the "ability or willingness to respond" and "irresponsibility" as the "inability or unwillingness to respond." In my teetering relationships, each are dealing with this issue. The pattern is the same:

1. Event Happens
2. Troy approaches it as best he can because it is an obvious dividing factor
3. Other Party either runs away or retaliates
4. Troy is left in the dust

Does no one value integrity, communication, honesty, or intimacy? I ask that question genuinely. Those qualities seem to be lacking in even the most well-intended frienships and relationships. Those qualities are primary building blocks for my relationships and I seem to be the odd-man out. The only building blocks I've seen from most people who claim to be a "friend" are Defensiveness, Self-Preservation, and Convenience. Again, I say that genuinely; not as an insult. It's just that those are the only words that describe what seem to be held as more important than other qualities. This is very disheartening and depressing for me right now, but I know it's not The Truth. It's just an ebb in the flow of my life. I'm really working hard to understand my part in the process.

Still, I am learning something from all of this threat. I've discovered how much I entangle my sense of self-worth into the perceptions and behaviors of those I consider to be important to me. I guess I shouldn't do that. I've realized that I am 100% or Nothing in a friendship or relationship. I fall hard and fast in love with people, partly because I need that much love, and partly because I just love loving people. But recently it's become apparent that I am far more disposable and unloved than I ever suspected; at least by a couple of people I had come to consider close to me.

You know, it makes you feel like that gullible kid who thought the bullies were his friend, even as they gave him a wedgie and laughed at him. My situation is nowhere near that dramatic, but it FEELS like that. Like I am a retarded dog thinking I'm playing in a pack of fun, only to find I was only being thrown scraps from an exclusionary table that's out of reach.

Oh, and to top it off, one my ALL-TIME favorite TV shows is coming to an end... it's all so fitting.

Okay, but OTHER than that... things are really well! SERIOUSLY! LOL! I just had to get that out of my system.

Here are a few of my latest REVIEWS for some levity:

Joseph Gordon-Levitt; Brady Corbet discover the shame and freedom
resulting from a shared childhood incident

The incredible Emporor Penguin marches for hundreds of miles to help
ensure the life of each couples' single egg

NYC Local Theater

Speaking of Theater, Josh's play, CHANTECLER was a HUGE success! He always makes me so discouraged to go see him in a show because he gets very critical and self-deprecating, but I almost always immensely enjoy him and his plays. This one was exceptional. I didn't write a Review for it, but our gang of pals all concur that it was one of the best plays in which we'd seen him!

Josh as THE PEACOCK in Chantecler

I have so much more to write, but I have so much work to get done, too. I am also on a tight schedule for writing my Reviews, having covered several movies and events for an International Film Festival, and I still have a Museum of Sex event to cover, and a concert this weekend! And that's not including living my life, doing my channeling work, and dealing with teetering relationships!

Oh, to be me...

A good news and dream post is coming up...

GET READY!

A HUGE Blog Entry is coming... I have SO much to catch up here in my lil blog! It's a little overwhelming, but I will do it very soon. I have so much work to do and I am assigned to several premeires and pre-screenings of some amazing movies to review. Carlos and I are going to the opening cermonies for the huge International Film Festival tomorrow night, so that should bring some interesting tales!

Uggh... so much! Family reunions, losses of friendships, limbos to heal, dreams that are out of this world, and lots of photos! My head is spinning...