If you recall from an earlier entry, I noted my concerns over some strange winds passing through the lands of my friendships. Well, the first of four of my teetering pals has fallen from my life. And wow. It really feels fuckin' shitty.
It is rare that I either find or let someone into the very tender parts of my heart and behind the scenes of my smiles, but I quickly grew close to Taren and found for myself a friend in her. It took me a long time to actually consider her a "friend," because I am very particular about what that word means. I use the word as freely as anyone, but when I use it seriously, I mean it to describe a person who has traveled through Time and Space with you, and he or she still actively seeks to know and love you. One of the reasons I am pretty shy about experiencing a True Friend is because of what has just happened today: I was dumped by Taren.
No explanation. No goodbye. No reason. Just dumped. In my attempts to understand why she might choose something so awful, she merely dismissed the attempts with an ambiguously noble proclamation that she simply lost her affection and closeness for me and it was time to move on.
Not only that; I was dumped through an email.
How meaningless must a person be to someone that she doesn't even want to make the time to say goodbye in person? I would have gladly hugged her into her freedom and wished her well, but now I feel profoundly disposable.
So, tonight the kick to my stomach came from her in the form of an email, confirming a complete lack of interest in pursuing our substantial friendship. I felt sick all night. If you scroll back through my blog, you will see my praises and absolutely fun times with Taren. You will see my edging closer to, and crossing into, the realm of intimacy and friendship. Now, I just feel so used and pointless.
I don't blame her for those feelings, but I actually wouldn't FEEL that way without this catalyst, of course. However, I do take responsibility for how I'm interpreting what it means to be dumped by her. I'm not sure what else it's supposed to mean, yet.
Over the years I have laughed so hard with her; cried with her; held her; danced with her; supported her changes in interests and self-development; showed up for her; defended her; and loved her.
I can only do my best to continue to do the one thing she cannot destroy: love her. I've always believed that if you say you love someone, it just doesn't change because someone rejects you or changes on you. Even though this hurts so bad inside, it doesn't mean I can't love her. And True Love means she is absolved of all impact on me from her choices. It's not the loving that hurts; it's the attachment and the loss.
I will miss her so much.
I know she might continue to read my blog because she has said on many occassions that my blog is such a documentary of her memories in New York City.
So this is to you, Taren. One last entry to wish you well, and to always be a reminder that you are loved, even as you shed our friendship from your life. I wish there was room for me, but this as much a part of my growth and challenge in life as it is yours. I want so badly to learn to truly love people and this is a definite stretch to remember that you are as innocent as anyone else, just trying to do your own thing, and making the choices you feel are best.
I love you.
IN MEMORY...
This image was taken as Taren and I enjoyed a quiet dinner together a long time ago. It was taken during the initial inspirational stages of her new interest in Improvisational Theater. As we sat together, she spontaneously wrote down some really fun ideas for a character. I remember she was so excited and so self-doubting, so I took this picture as she wrote. I told her that one day she would be able to look back at this image and remember where it all began. I told her I believed in her and that the moment would seem so far away after she was finally successful in her pursuit. Well, now it's been over a year since this image was taken and she has not only graduated her Improv classes, but she has continued into many directions with this interest! I am really proud of her.
This image is from Christmas 2003. She wears the locket given to her by Cyprus and seems to enjoy the beautiful book, THE LITTLE PRINCE from Cyprus, as well. I wonder if Taren will see these gifts and find warmth in the memories.
Okay, I am just making myself super sad now... I have to close this with a fun thought and a fun image.
Taren: may you always rest in peace, and live as alive as can be...
To any other of my blog readers: Have you ever been dumped by a friend for no reason? And I mean literally NO REASON. I'd love to hear how you bounced back or dealt with it...
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13 comments:
I cringed when I saw the header and the first picture on this entry. I thought, “I can’t believe he’s posting something so personal about someone else.” But, as I read, I just felt sad for you, as you do. I know you DIDN’T write this entry to hurt Taren, to lash out in some way, etc. You just don’t censor yourself, like I do.
“R.I.P.” is for dead people, by the way. Taren isn’t dead. Maybe the relationship is.
To answer your question, no, I never had a friend dump me for no reason. The friendships I’ve lost were due to “growing apart,” (sometimes because of moving away), or because we were angry at each other for a specific reason. I find it very hard to believe that this situation with you two is for no reason. Maybe Taren is going through something emotionally that’s causing her to shut down, and maybe she doesn’t even consciously know it. Maybe she misunderstood something you said or wrote, and was reacting defensively. I don’t know. But, just because YOU don’t know why, doesn’t mean she “dumped” you for “no reason.” There is a reason. And it’s NOT because you’re disposable. Stop saying/writing that.
If you really love her like you wrote, then you’ll be open to the possibility of reconciliation. Maybe she’ll have more to show you one day.
-Nick
Yes. I lost a friend, due to, nomimal, a minor misunderstanding. (I was drunk, and called him in that state; his boyfriend thought I was someone else, and got jealous. I explained it to him, no big deal, right? I also knew his boyfriend, and even housesat for their lovely cat)I thought that things were patched up. But then, he wouldn't call me after that. About a week later, when he went back to school in Chicago, I received in the mail a cd that I had lent him, with no note. It was a kiss off. But I was confused, and hurt. It was a shitty thing to do, in my opinion.
When I said, "No Reason" I meant it literally. As in, sure, I can speculate all day to figure out a reason, but none was given and even if one were given, it could never make sense.
Considering the depth of our time and energy and embrace of each other, I am still floored by the fact that she couldn't even tell me this in person. I'm still shaking my head on that one. It feels like I must have been a total loser to have ever considered her a friend. It feels kind of dirty, and not in the good way.
Ethereal, your story made me sad, too. That is really awful. It makes me angry that there are people so disregarding of the magickal and sensitive realm of emotion.
Some people just SUCK... and again, not in the good way.
Troy
I couldn't think of one case where I've had a friend dump me for no reason. Started wondering why I should escape the misery... and realized it is because I am careful who I love. Protects me from pain, but also very limiting. When you love freely and fully, you are bound to run into many people who are not whole enough to accept your love. To them, it feels like a burden because they feel unworthy. It is very sad to me how many people are damaged this way.
And about your friend, call me a cynic, but I'm guessing there is a new relationship in her life. Have you ever noticed how rare it is for someone to be able to balance old loving friendships with a "new love"? On one hand, I support people's right to grow and move on; but on the other, I have to wonder how whole and healthy the person is who must shed the past entirely in order to grow into the future.
TARA, you are absolutely in synch with my feelings, as well. I even suggested that theory to her so she could have the opportunity to see that an old friend really can grow and mix into the growth. But I was courteously, if not coldly, turned down.
And yes, there are "new" people in her life. I remember when we were the "new people" and she complained to us about her "old friends" "guilting and pressuring" her and not giving her any freedom. Now I totally see the pattern and I was a total sucker.
Who knows what tales are being told to her new friends about the most recent batch of disposable people she dumped from her life. Although my other friends aren't as effected, they were just as dumped as I was.
It seems she is only concerned with seeing herself anew in the eyes of people who have no depth of history with her. Some people feel safer that way. For me, I thought it would an amazing thing to discover that someone could love you across time, space, difficulties, differences, and changes.
Rejection is always a shock to me. I gotta get used to it, and you are right, Tara,... the wider your net of embrace, the more sharks you invite.
She is an emotional Houdini, turning even the most comforting of embraces into straitjackets from which she feels she must escape. And she will never know that she was never trapped or held back because a discussion was not allowed.
The illusion is intact.
And the cycle begins again.
Troy
Of course she dumped you, you so stubborn, vain, self-centered, argumentative ego-maniac who likes to hear yourself talk insisting on always having the last word, an ass like you should always be dumped from everybody!
Very wise from her indeed!
Ummm... ohhhkayyy... wow.
(It's amazing what people can say and do when hiding behind the mask of anonymity.)
My first thought was this was a really mean thing to leave in someone's blog who is clearly writing about his pain and loss. I mean, even if you don't agree with my theories or feelings, that's okay. I wish I could work out my feelings with my friend, and have a chance to understand everything, but she left me and she won't allow a discussion. I mean, she ditched me by email.
How am I supposed to feel?
All I have are my speculations and feelings.
Even if you don't agree or understand, I do think it's particularly venomous to wish forever rejection onto another person.
That's just kinda mean, right?
But then, after I thought about it a bit, I realized something: In the same way that my reaction to being dumped says more about ME than about the reality of the situation, so does your reaction say more about you than about the reality of my situation.
I hope you feel loved by someone.
Troy
Dear Readers and Troy,
I thought that you may post something on your blog about what has happened. I respect that you have your thoughts and feelings about our friendship and the reasons I had for ending it. However, I kindly ask that you delete my photos from your blog, and if you post any more writings, please do not use my name, first or last. You have every right to talk about me to your friends, but I feel that broadcasting one side of the story which includes photos of me is an invasion of my privacy.
You have always respected my wish to be in the limelight, please do not use your blog to now cast attention to me that is unwanted and potentially harmful both to my feelings and reputation.
I'm sure the readers of your blog will hear what you have to say, even if my name and image are absent.
I would rather NOT comment publicly about this as I feel my reasons for ending our friendship are personal. However, since I suspected that Troy would write about this on his blog, I would like to state for the record that I am very sad about all of this and wish Troy only the best.
For any of you who know me even just a little, I hope you know that I am not the kind of person who would end a friendship without much heartache.
Troy, clearly you have the power to do what you want in this situation. I know that you are sad and angry, but please respect my request for anonymity on your blog when writing about your experience.
--Taren
TO TAREN:
Don't worry. This recent entry will be the last about you. It's not meant to hurt your feelings or invade your privacy. This blog is meant as a very real, uncensored exploration of my life and the people and things in it. I am very respectful of everyone's privacy and even my own, when it comes to writing about life. What happened between is no secret, and although I am humiliated by your choice, I don't see the point of acting like it never happened.
Please note that there are no references to you by full name and the images are vaguely-named files. There shouldn't be any problems in regard to official or legal privacy, if that's a concern.
Please understand that I can't help that you have erased me from your life, but I can't so easily erase you from my own life,... from a blog, my heart, or in my memory. Just on a practical level, I have so many shared experiences with you throughout the entirety of my blog and heart, that for you to ask me to go through and erase you is a huge task, let alone a heart-wrenching one.
I think it's particularly poignant and confusing that you are asking me to regard you with such special consideration as I did when you called me, "friend" and "brother." That doesn't make any sense to my heart.
History is history. My words describe the situation very accurately and fairly and with no malice. Despite the intensity of grief I feel, I have taken great measures not to express it as anger, over-reaction, or defensiveness. Despite your complete disposal of our friendship (and now the request to erase our history), I'm still doing my best.
I have to admit, though, it's hard to accept that someone who dumped a friendship by email, with no explanation, no reason, and no compassion, can actually say she is "sad" or that her dumping me caused her "heartache." Usually people don't make decisions that are hurtful to self or others, if it can be avoided. And in this case, it could have been utterly avoided.
You say your reasons are "personal," but one day you may find I was closer to you than your reasons, and that I was just as "personal." If only you could have protected our friendship as actively and as eagerly as you now protect your reasons and your privacy.
I can't help the slight edge in my tone of writing. If leaving me in the dust with a few pictures and memories and a slightly bad attitude is all you have to deal with for dumping a good friend, I'd say that's a small price to pay and that you are getting a very easy way out.
It would never be my choice to be in this situation. Forgive any way that I might handle it that is not to your liking.
troy
If i were u i wouldnt trust him...
you see your name and photos are still there for his broadcasting drama Marketing he just didnt respect your privacy your request and your reputation as you said so thats just an idea of how he really cares about you and thats also a tip concerning to his character anyway there will be always lawyers and law issues that can solve all different kinds of problems
Ummm, when did it become illegal to express your own feelings about being dumped? Using images and full names to tell a story isn't even illegal, and I didn't even say anything BAD about Taren, so lighten up, will ya?
It's fun being anonymous, huh?
Troy
My best friend Juliet dumped me without a word, the day after I met her new boyfriend. Hmmmmm.
When I found out from a mutual acquaintance that she had gotten engaged, I went home and cried for hours.
That sucks so much. I'm sorry you have been hurt like that. Losing a friend is almost worse than breaking up with a boyfriend...
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