If you recall from an earlier entry, I noted my concerns over some strange winds passing through the lands of my friendships. Well, the first of four of my teetering pals has fallen from my life. And wow. It really feels fuckin' shitty.
It is rare that I either find or let someone into the very tender parts of my heart and behind the scenes of my smiles, but I quickly grew close to Taren and found for myself a friend in her. It took me a long time to actually consider her a "friend," because I am very particular about what that word means. I use the word as freely as anyone, but when I use it seriously, I mean it to describe a person who has traveled through Time and Space with you, and he or she still actively seeks to know and love you. One of the reasons I am pretty shy about experiencing a True Friend is because of what has just happened today: I was dumped by Taren.
No explanation. No goodbye. No reason. Just dumped. In my attempts to understand why she might choose something so awful, she merely dismissed the attempts with an ambiguously noble proclamation that she simply lost her affection and closeness for me and it was time to move on.
Not only that; I was dumped through an email.
How meaningless must a person be to someone that she doesn't even want to make the time to say goodbye in person? I would have gladly hugged her into her freedom and wished her well, but now I feel profoundly disposable.
So, tonight the kick to my stomach came from her in the form of an email, confirming a complete lack of interest in pursuing our substantial friendship. I felt sick all night. If you scroll back through my blog, you will see my praises and absolutely fun times with Taren. You will see my edging closer to, and crossing into, the realm of intimacy and friendship. Now, I just feel so used and pointless.
I don't blame her for those feelings, but I actually wouldn't FEEL that way without this catalyst, of course. However, I do take responsibility for how I'm interpreting what it means to be dumped by her. I'm not sure what else it's supposed to mean, yet.
Over the years I have laughed so hard with her; cried with her; held her; danced with her; supported her changes in interests and self-development; showed up for her; defended her; and loved her.
I can only do my best to continue to do the one thing she cannot destroy: love her. I've always believed that if you say you love someone, it just doesn't change because someone rejects you or changes on you. Even though this hurts so bad inside, it doesn't mean I can't love her. And True Love means she is absolved of all impact on me from her choices. It's not the loving that hurts; it's the attachment and the loss.
I will miss her so much.
I know she might continue to read my blog because she has said on many occassions that my blog is such a documentary of her memories in New York City.
So this is to you, Taren. One last entry to wish you well, and to always be a reminder that you are loved, even as you shed our friendship from your life. I wish there was room for me, but this as much a part of my growth and challenge in life as it is yours. I want so badly to learn to truly love people and this is a definite stretch to remember that you are as innocent as anyone else, just trying to do your own thing, and making the choices you feel are best.
I love you.
This image was taken as Taren and I enjoyed a quiet dinner together a long time ago. It was taken during the initial inspirational stages of her new interest in Improvisational Theater. As we sat together, she spontaneously wrote down some really fun ideas for a character. I remember she was so excited and so self-doubting, so I took this picture as she wrote. I told her that one day she would be able to look back at this image and remember where it all began. I told her I believed in her and that the moment would seem so far away after she was finally successful in her pursuit. Well, now it's been over a year since this image was taken and she has not only graduated her Improv classes, but she has continued into many directions with this interest! I am really proud of her.
This image is from Christmas 2003. She wears the locket given to her by Cyprus and seems to enjoy the beautiful book, THE LITTLE PRINCE from Cyprus, as well. I wonder if Taren will see these gifts and find warmth in the memories.
Okay, I am just making myself super sad now... I have to close this with a fun thought and a fun image.
Taren: may you always rest in peace, and live as alive as can be...
To any other of my blog readers: Have you ever been dumped by a friend for no reason? And I mean literally NO REASON. I'd love to hear how you bounced back or dealt with it...