"Well, i GOT it!" LOL!!
If you haven't seen THE COMEBACK, starring Lisa Kudrow, you are missing out on one of the most unique, BIZARRE, televisions shows in history. I'm starting off my return to my blog with an entry about it because it is such a metaphor for my life right now. She bumbles along so naively, thinking everything is so much better than it is, doing her best to keep a smile on her face, and thinking she is way happier than she is. I have never seen something so painfully sad and funny at the same time, except my own life. I know that sounds terrible, but I don't mean it that way.
Please; If I can sit through a comedy series and be utterly riveted by the spectrum of Lisa Kudrow's character, I am in bliss within my own life. I wouldn't trade this life for anything, despite its range from embarrassingly lonely naiveté to hilariously embraced moments of love. And besides, my life isn't unique in its pain or pleasure. It's actually refreshing and comforting to see that my life is more common-than-not, so much so that it's a template for a wonderful comedy! LOL!
Anyway, check out THE COMEBACK. I never appreciated Lisa's acting until now. It is so uncomfortable and truly amazing to watch her character. There is no way to convey the uniqueness of this series. You just have to see it.
Oh yeah, and welcome to my new Blogger Template... I was tired of the darker colors and thought a refreshing green was in need to house my thoughts.
One of the more painfully sad, yet beautiful, things that happened in my life recently was a powerful reunion with my brother. Although we have never hated each other, and we never even really fought, somehow the impact of our childhood sent us out into the world as far possible, as far away from the awful pain of what had been known as "family." It had been 15 years since I had seen him.
I was so scared to reunite with him, not because of HIM, but because he is a direct, living connection to everything terrifying from my childhood. I didn't even realize I was in such resistance to him until I finally had a phone conversation with him. Hearing his voice made me remember everything... EVERYTHING. It was the first time I was feeling the pain again as ME. See, before this reunion, the abuse happened to a little kid I remember, but couldn't really remember as ME. I remembered everything, but I had grown and moved on. I would look back on the abuse and feel so sad for the little kid who endured it, but I felt like an adult who only wished I could have helped "him" more. In my reunion with my brother, it was inescapable: the memories weren't of another person, of a little kid far away in time, but my OWN memories. Suddenly I gave total permission to myself to be sad for ME, not just for a distant memory of me. It was seriously weird and wonderful.
TROY DAD TJ
REUNION 2005
To make things even more poignant, my brother has sent me pictures from when we were children. I hardly have anything from my childhood, so to see physical images and items is magickal and strange for me, like researching a Past Life from a different incarnation.
TY n TROY
TY (aka TJ) n MOM n TROY
TY n TROY
TY n DAD n TROY
I've noticed something very interesting about many of the photos from my childhood: In nearly all photos with me and my mother in them, I am the only one who touches her. You can almost always see that I am touching her in some way. I distinctly remember feeling compelled to do that, too! I remember feeling sorry that she was so angry and mean and that it must be very sad and lonely to be that way. Beyond the insanity that I endured, I still reached out.
I'm still crazy like that, too.
Which brings me to the next topic. Lately I have been experiencing a huge threat to a range of relationships in my life, from my Best Friend to Enjoyable Acquaintances. I want to say that I am experiencing great losses in these areas, but the losses aren't really happening; just the threats. I currently have no less than 4 very important relationships in my life teetering on complete loss. In all of these, the theme is the same: ABSOLUTE IRRESPONSIBILITY. I despise irresponsibility in a friendship, whether this is a result of ignorance or intention. Let me define "responsibility" as the "ability or willingness to respond" and "irresponsibility" as the "inability or unwillingness to respond." In my teetering relationships, each are dealing with this issue. The pattern is the same:
1. Event Happens
2. Troy approaches it as best he can because it is an obvious dividing factor
3. Other Party either runs away or retaliates
4. Troy is left in the dust
Does no one value integrity, communication, honesty, or intimacy? I ask that question genuinely. Those qualities seem to be lacking in even the most well-intended frienships and relationships. Those qualities are primary building blocks for my relationships and I seem to be the odd-man out. The only building blocks I've seen from most people who claim to be a "friend" are Defensiveness, Self-Preservation, and Convenience. Again, I say that genuinely; not as an insult. It's just that those are the only words that describe what seem to be held as more important than other qualities. This is very disheartening and depressing for me right now, but I know it's not The Truth. It's just an ebb in the flow of my life. I'm really working hard to understand my part in the process.
Still, I am learning something from all of this threat. I've discovered how much I entangle my sense of self-worth into the perceptions and behaviors of those I consider to be important to me. I guess I shouldn't do that. I've realized that I am 100% or Nothing in a friendship or relationship. I fall hard and fast in love with people, partly because I need that much love, and partly because I just love loving people. But recently it's become apparent that I am far more disposable and unloved than I ever suspected; at least by a couple of people I had come to consider close to me.
You know, it makes you feel like that gullible kid who thought the bullies were his friend, even as they gave him a wedgie and laughed at him. My situation is nowhere near that dramatic, but it FEELS like that. Like I am a retarded dog thinking I'm playing in a pack of fun, only to find I was only being thrown scraps from an exclusionary table that's out of reach.
Oh, and to top it off, one my ALL-TIME favorite TV shows is coming to an end... it's all so fitting.
Okay, but OTHER than that... things are really well! SERIOUSLY! LOL! I just had to get that out of my system.
Here are a few of my latest REVIEWS for some levity:
Joseph Gordon-Levitt; Brady Corbet discover the shame and freedom
resulting from a shared childhood incident
The incredible Emporor Penguin marches for hundreds of miles to help
ensure the life of each couples' single egg
NYC Local Theater
Speaking of Theater, Josh's play, CHANTECLER was a HUGE success! He always makes me so discouraged to go see him in a show because he gets very critical and self-deprecating, but I almost always immensely enjoy him and his plays. This one was exceptional. I didn't write a Review for it, but our gang of pals all concur that it was one of the best plays in which we'd seen him!
Josh as THE PEACOCK in Chantecler
I have so much more to write, but I have so much work to get done, too. I am also on a tight schedule for writing my Reviews, having covered several movies and events for an International Film Festival, and I still have a Museum of Sex event to cover, and a concert this weekend! And that's not including living my life, doing my channeling work, and dealing with teetering relationships!
Oh, to be me...
A good news and dream post is coming up...
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