Unless I hear differently, I have been officially shunned and rejected by mom. There is always the possibility that she has no access to email; I don't know. All I know is that her emails continually got stranger and more hostile. In my attempt to roll with her newly-gained footing in my life through email, I simply kept responding with requests for an adult approach to the past, letting her know that I love her, no matter what happened. She never responded to anything I ever wrote in an email. She just lashed out... as if I were the invisible punching bag I always was to her.
For instance, after not hearing from her for 18 years, and after an initial 18 years of serious abuse, it is less-than-inviting to read this kind of email from her:
"Troy, who gave you permission to exploit my picture on a computer. I didn't. Are you wanting another one to use the same way? This will never happen. But I am going to find out if you are doing this illegally. Why did you tear our picture in half? The way you would laugh in your dad and my face when you were told to do something or not to do something that was really funny to you and your friends back then wasn't it? Quite hurtful to your mother."
Good lord. Okay, seriously, that is just crazy talk.
In response to my asking about the "tear our picture in half," she wrote me back:
This is where I found the picture me [note: referring to sugarhiccuphiccup, my blog]. A picture of the four of us, under this picture you wrote cut in half. If you feel the message happy birthday I email to you on 20 January 2005 was cold. I will never send you another one.
She is referring to the photo I posted of my dad, brother, mom, and me, but I am on the end, cut off by the actual frame of the camera shot. It isn't "torn in half."
As for the reference to the "cold" birthday message and the promise never to send me another one, well, I just have no idea what the hell that is all about. I tried explaining to her across a few emails that I had never received anything from her before because she probably had the wrong email address or something.
Anyway, I now know that she may or may not read my blog, but I can't be concerned with censoring myself for fear of her reaction. I left that dynamic behind LONG ago. I am only concerned with the fact that I am at peace with my efforts. I tried. I reached back. I was beaten down again in a weird, crazy way, but it's all okay.
I still love her. I accept her. I want her to heal and be free from whatever causes her to be closed to a love between me and her, but I also accept that she may never truly grasp what I experienced at the hands of her hate and violence. I wonder, sometimes, if the denial holds back an ocean of pain that would just be catastrophic to experience if she were to ever try to fathom the extent of her abusiveness. Those realizations may be something her soul will process after death... maybe holding off until then gives at least a bit of peace to her Personality while it still lives.
I don't know...
What I do know is that I officially accept the rejection. I embrace that fact and hey, it's just another thing... I do think I fantasized a bit about some glorious reunion that would unravel the years of wondering why I was hated and abused, but within a couple of emails, each getting crazier and crazier, I really did surrender.
Surrender is a form of empowerment. It's not the same thing as giving up, or resigning. Surrender is a conscious acknowledgment that something is beyond your control and that it is okay, that you will adapt, and that you can still make choices around, within, despite the lack of control.
So, I surrender.
I love you, Mom, but Goodbye.