Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Emotional Vomit

Well, I just got my last and only email I will ever get from my X. What a nice guy. Dumps me through Instant Messenger and then deletes me from his life, and then sends me off, two weeks later, with a final lame-ass goodbye that proves the worst of his character is who he REALLY is.

I never thought I'd feel a more intense experience of WASTING MY TIME than I did in my last four-year relationship that went nowhere. BUT, never say never... in a final, heartless, completely estranged and insensitive email, my X has confirmed that I WASTED nearly a year on him.

And yes, it was a WASTE.

ON HIM.

And no, there is no other way to describe it.

It

was

A

WASTE.

Of course, I will wring the stupid relationship of anything just to make some sort of "lesson" from it, which, in this case will be: ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOURSELF!

I will honor the reality of my senses from now, on. I will always question them, as that is what refines them, but I will not ignore them any more.

If you look through my blog entries, his lies and fake romance and manipulative ways will be SO obvious now, but AS USUAL, I chose to trust and believe HIM and allow room for blame to be on MY insecurities, when IN FACT, I was totally correct in my senses all along.

I wasn't insecure. I was ACCURATE.

My EX is a total FRAUD! D'oh! Yes, and I knew it, and so did everyone around me; even some of his closer friends tried to explain along the way that there is deeper, darker side of him that would rise to the surface eventually. They explained that he keeps scores and uses kindness as a weapon, eventually exploding or discarding you if you are not catering directly to the megalomania ego held atop his shoulders. See, those are things I knew, myself, but when a couple of his friends told me the same thing, I felt defensive about it and offered different insights about his historic behavior.

My ability to discern and trust my own intuition flies out the door when it comes to Love. I can't believe I blamed ME for having such terrible thoughts about his true motivations and intentions. But now I know: everything about him is fake. And though I "knew" it, I am still completely stunned at the ugly face he turned on me OUT OF NOWHERE.

I don't even want to say his name right now. He repulses me.

Re-reading through my entries is going prove how much of a fool in love I tend to be, but what the fuck. Who cares. I'd rather be a fool in love than a selfish, apathetic, liar.

So here's to all the guys and girls who think it's perfectly acceptable to LIE to another person just to keep attention fed into a black hold of a megalomaniac ego, and here's to those who FAKE honest emotions and kindness as a use for manipulation instead of as a genuine expression to promote true intimacy, and here's to those who are so fucking cowardly they have to RUN FOR THEIR LIVES to avoid being responsible for the harm they eventually cause others because of their selfish, ugly, withered hearts...

Here's to you:

FUCK YOU
YOU DUMB ASS
ASSHOLES!

6 comments:

Scottie Scooter said...

I found out about your blog quite awhile ago thru a friend. I have looked at it periodically for awhile. Recently, I decided to revisit it in light of me returning to NYC. Wow. I feel your pain and I have 'been there' (literally) in every sense. Reading through your postings, it is evident that you feel things very deeply in all aspects of life, especially friendships and relationships...and it is not always easy and can be disappointing. This can be very true when trying to cultivate a circle of friends that are family. I, too, have been there. It very well might be easy for me to say this, but it seems that you are giving way too much (negative) energy to him and this. Try to take the 'high road' and just don't say a thing if it is bad or negative. It just breeds more of the same. Again, I know, easier said than done. Also, I have to say that the environment of living in the city can add to the situation. Try to get out for awhile or a weekend. It adds perspective. Be well.

CocteauBoy said...

Thanks, Scottie. I know... I know... I'm like my own preacher's son and occassionally I just have to lash out, even though I KNOW how to take the high road. Sometimes I just DON'T WANT TO, you know??

Anyway, I treat my blog as if no one will ever read it, so I sometimes vomit my emotional bile out into the pixels and light of space.

Welcome to NYC, btw!

If yer not too askeered, maybe we will meet some day! YIKES!

LOL!

troy

CocteauBoy said...

oh, and Scottie, I forgot to add that the city actually HELPS me... it helps everything. I love the city. I have lived all over this country and there is nothing like the kindness of strangers in NYC and I love being around so many people! Love it!

It's a good thing for me. I have never understood the troubles and pressures that so many attribute to living here. For me, NYC is the best of everything offered on this planet, from nature to nurture, from quietude to high flying fun.

Kind of like what's goin on in my head most of the time! LOL!

Troy

Tara said...

Troy, I say don't beat yourself up for having accepted another person as they presented themselves. I've been struggling with this, too, after being dumped by a friend recently. Everyone says I trust too easily and have poor judgement about others; I see myself as being willing to accept others as they see themselves. I also lose any sense of enjoyment or intimacy if I'm constantly protecting myself from the possibility of future pain.

It's not like I couldn't guess that the most likely outcome of extending such trust would be disappointment, or that I just missed the signs! As you said, you knew you were taking a risk with your trust based on your own instincts and advice of friends. You just chose to accept the person as he presented himself with hope and trust.

This kind of faith allows both people to grow into who they choose to be. Unfortunately it also hurts like hell when the other person fails to live up to their own ideals!

Anonymous said...

Nothing in life is ever a waste of time, so don't ever think that. Some people spend decades or even lifetimes learning tough lessons. People used to call me a late bloomer and I felt guilty and ashamed because it took me until my early 20's to come out of my shell. It was all part of a bigger learning experience that I couldn't even see at the time.
Remember, loving and respecting oneself is the final and most difficult lesson for the soul, and you're just about there!

Hang in there kiddo,

-K-

Scottie Scooter said...

Hope that you are feeling better. Duly noted about the city. I guess that I can only speak for myself. I know that the place isn't necessarily the cause of issues or problems, but for me, in the past, if I was going through something, it was a good thing to get out and gain some perspective. When I returned, it was all so much better and I appreciated the place even more. And, yes, perhaps we can meet up once I get settled back there:o) All the best.