vlog: Bunny Tug

Good Lord, here I go again with another bunny vid, but I can't help it! They are ADORABLE and so funny!

This is SAGE (yup! One of them has a name... still waiting to figure out the other one's name); he's playing with a straw wrapper and gets "vicious!"

vlog: Bunny Tug from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

vlog: 2Girls1Cup NICK'S REACTION

There is a wave of people capturing reactions in themselves and friends while watching SHOCKING videos. I had to follow the nerd herd and do this, myself, even if I'm way at the end of the trend.

WARNING: The video that Nick is watching in this clip should NOT be searched out unless you take TOTAL responsibility for doing so.

YOU WERE WARNED!

Still, if you DO search it out, make sure you have a video set up to capture it and let me know!!!


vlog: 2Girls1Cup Reaction from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

vlog: Tiny Love

Yes, I am officially now one of "those" people who post videos of bunnies! LOL! So what. These are my new members of the family. YAY! They have no names, yet, but after getting to know each other, the names will come.

WARNING: if you hate bunnies or are bored by cuteness, do not watch! Your eyes will burn out of your head!

vlog: Tiny Love from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

vlog: Be Good To Yourself

Sometimes you have to remember that you are your primary caretaker, no matter how much you want to be loved by another, or how much you wish someone would just come along and be nice to you for no reason... you are always the one who is with you, so... sometimes, it's just important to be good to yourself.

Below is my reporting after a luxurious bath of bubbles and fun, leaving me so happy and relaxed, and giddy like a kid again (bubble baths are SO nice, no matter what age you are)!

vlog: Be Good To Yourself from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

vlog: A WALK IN THE PARK

Spyder (monkey) and I have discovered our park nearby to our new neighborhood and we LOVE it! We go there as often as we can and she is thrilled! It does my spirit some good, too.

I used to live on the Upper West Side just a block or so from Central Park and it was so wonderful to have that massive pocket of nature just steps away from the urban world I love just as much. Now I live near Prospect Park in Brooklyn and it is just as wonderful.

I can't wait for a good snow to come down and blanket the branches and ground and lake with sparkling cold.

Oh, and sorry for the kinda boring video, but this is really just for my nostalgia, my memories; something on record for looking back and seeing myself from the future, remembering when Spyder and I had to start over on our own and make life the best it could be...

vlog: A WALK IN THE PARK from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

vlog: First Squirrel and First Snow

I don't have the best view out my windows... at least some people might not think so, but for some reason these urban views make me happy... and especially when visited by a squirrel and a first snow!!

YAY!

vlog: THE SQUIRREL from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.




vlog: FIRST SNOW 2007 from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.
PS: my heat and hot water have returned... phewy!

vlog: Boobage Ville, Here We Come (again)!!

Well, Cyprus was called back by the people who examined her big boobs and told her there is a concern: a "spiculated density." Apparently this is a kind of spherical density with tendrils. While this is inclusive and not unusual for large-breasted women, it's still not a fun call to receive.

Below is the day of our return for her follow-up to use a Sonogram as a means to clarify the density.

VLOG: On The Way to BoobageVille II from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

Americans are NOT stupid! (???)

This is utterly embarrassing... and horrifying.



To be fair, this level of intelligence exists among all nations and countries... It's just fun to pick on the bully of the world, but, really... people... PLEASE REMEMBER: our country's behavior in the world has very little to do with a LOT OF US within the country, itself.

Seriously.

vlog: HOME AGAIN

So... after dropping everything from my life to pursue Love in The Netherlands, almost dying, recovering, returning to the U.S. and then getting dumped over the internet, I am seeing signs of my footing returning to my life, again. It's going to be a long road of returning to some sense of "home," but I'm on my way.

I spent my first night on my own last night, in my own new bed, with Spyder exploring the apartment restlessly, but regally, throughout the night and checking in on me regularly, poking her nose up against my eye or my own nose to ensure I was okay. I slept okay, but awakened often, of course; it's a new, unfamiliar place.

One of the glorious things about my first night was being able to create my "SLEEP" playlist in iTunes, set it to Random, and let it play all night as a backdrop to my dreams... I love sleeping to music, which I have not been able to do in a long time.

Below is a tour through my new little home... it's gotta a lot of work to be done, and I will slowwwwly fill it with "stuff" and make it all cozy in time... in time.

VLOG: Home Again from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

vlog: BOOBAGE VILLE, Here We Come!

As part of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, services were offered around New York City for women to come in for exams. I went with Cyprus for support... she gots some big boobage goin' on, so she needed some support...

VLOG: On The Way To Boobage Ville (part one) from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.




VLOG: On The Way From Boobage Ville (part two) from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

Death Letter

Death Letter
Originally uploaded by CocteauBoy

Jip sent to me some of my stuff from Amsterdam and I received it today. I had completely forgotten about this letter. Reading it caused a surprise flood of tears as I remembered enduring those long nights in the hospital, just hanging on for one more breath, one more night, to see the morning and to see Jip.

There was one night in particular while in the hospital that it was pretty clear that I might not survive. I kept thinking I had to focus on the positive and survive, but then I thought about how awful it would be to have not said goodbye to anyone. There was panic all around me and I was almost incapable of breathing... the oxygen levels in my blood were plummeting. I was being prepared for Intensive Care.

Terrified that I would not return, I grabbed my hardback notebook that Jip had given me and with shaking hands and quiet tears that could not fully express themselves for lack of breath, I scrawled my goodbye letter. I couldn't think fast enough to cover everything before the took the pen and notebook away from me and tried to calm me down and focus my breathing so I wouldn't pass out.

I made it through that night. I made it through many nights. Sometimes I still cry about it.

I never wanted to see this letter again, nor did I ever want anyone to see it, but as I sat with it today, I held the feelings with me and let myself own the reality of the experience. It's easy sometimes to feel like this happened to someone else, not me. But it did happen to me. And this is how close it came to being over for me.

The letter reads:

I [heart] Jip more than I got a chance to show
I [heart] my friends so much more than I ever showed
I [heart] my dad and mom and bev forever

If I don't make it out of this alive, please know that I love all of you and will find you again

People are Beautiful [heart]
Troy

Jip was my crowning glory in this life, showing me how I could have been loved all along

I [heart] U Sandy * Larry
I [heart] U Cyprus
I [heart] U Nick
I [heart] U Johnny

(off to the side: "my dream team")

I [heart] U dad
You never ever let me down

END

I wrote that last line for my dad because he always felt he failed in protecting me from the abuse from my mother, but I never felt he was at fault. It was just a part of life, as this big scare was... and I survived.

Just like I survived this.

I'm still alive.

Why I Keep A Blog

I have chills. CHILLS, I say! Note that this excerpt is from 2004!!! Full post is in the link, but this excerpt is the amazing, AMAZING, relevant part! Well, at least it is to me... Part of why I keep a blog is to document these very things. If I had not had this documented, I would never have realized that some part of me "knew" about an event that would happen THREE YEARS later!

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

DREAM

I dreamt last night that I had discovered a new love for someplace in Europe, but I am not sure where I was. I have never been to Europe in my waking life. I was much younger in my dream, which has never happened before. I always dream of me as either non-age specific or my current age, but in this dream I was just about 20 years old. Apparently, I had gone to this place in Europe, then had left to go back to the States. I guess I had just returned again to Europe and had worked really hard to be able to come back. I vaguely think there was someone there whom I had fallen in love with and had vowed to return to him, but now I couldn't find him. I remember walking down this lovely, quiet street and feeling so alone, but so happy to be back at the same time.

All I can say is... WOW. What the fuck part of me knew THIS PARTICULAR story about my life THREE YEARS before it happened!??? This isn't the first time this has happened, but it is always chilling to me. This is the first time I have browsed back through my blog in a long time.

The irony is that this entry was three days after Nick dumped me in 2004.

Seems I was already looking for Jip in three years in advance, and feeling the loss.

NOTE: I'm not done reading through my archives, but a couple of days later in that year, I have a post about my having a dream about sharp pains in my chest, having to massage my chest to help relieve it, and being told by someone that my "heart had been scarred." I wonder if this relates to the pneumonia.

Wow.

Why Do Bad Things Happen To Good People?

This is an entry from my M BLOG over at TruthLoveEnergy.com where I share channeling with clients and students from around the world. "Channeling" is the practice of going into an altered state of consciousness and being able to tune into another consciousness, energy, or level of the self, and then being able to deliver that through communication, healing, or insight. It's not all that strange, really, because most forms of true creativity are forms of channeling; I just happen to specialize in connecting to a consciousness who claims to be an entity named MICHAEL (hence, M BLOG) with a teaching to share. The body of knowledge that has come to be accumulated over the years is known as THE MICHAEL TEACHINGS. There is more about all of this at my work site (truthloveenergy.com), so I won't go into a lot of details here, but if it makes more sense for you to think of this as a creative writing practice, then that is just fine with me, too. Maybe that IS all it is, but whatever it is, it helps bring about some perspective.

Over the past few blog entries, I have been asking some tough questions of life, and here is where it led me:

It's been weighing on my mind for some time now about the WHY of "bad things" happening to people who just don't seem to deserve such a hard time. For instance, I feel like I have done nothing to warrant my having almost died, being dumped, and now living with a terminal illness. It just doesn't seem fair.

It's a difficult question to ask of ourselves, or of others, or of our concepts of "God," and even of Michael.

WHY!!!??

Why ME!??

Why HIM??

Why HER?

WHY Them!?

WHY!!??

Is there really going to be an answer that satisfies us? It seems the only time we can find even a bit of relief from this question is when we are not going through whatever struggle we feel had been imposed upon us. At those points, it seems we can sort of see from a higher perspective and grasp these larger patterns of our lives. We might be able to make sense of all or part of a tragedy, or find a sense that there was nothing higher involved at all, but that it is normal to grieve, to feel loss, to mourn.

As I have been going through a lot, lately, it has caused a sensitivity in me for the pain around me. I've always had empathy in that way, but now it is almost unbearable. I see people as more fragile, scared, and struggling, even as they maintain their status quo, smiles intact, and keeping busy. It's been hard for me to shake this. On the one hand, this gives me this beautiful sense of the innocence in all of us, but on the other hand, it feels like an overwhelming futility to care so much; like my head and heart are just going to be crushed under the weight of it all.

When I feel down or face difficulties in my life, one would think I turn immediately to Michael for insight and guidance, but I just don't. Part of what I have learned over the years in my working with Michael is to learn how to trust and access my own sense of wisdom and direction and sense. I always turn to me, first. Much of the time, I am able to access that inner wisdom and compassion and work my way through the most painful and challenging aspects of life. When I cannot figure things out, I then turn to friends, even before Michael.

I think I don't immediately turn to Michael for insight or guidance for the same reasons that Samantha of Bewitched denied her magic: you just want to figure things out on your own. It's empowering, and Michael would agree. Beyond that, I just don't want to treat Michael like some god that has all of the answers, because, frankly, they don't.

But more often than not they do have incredible, vast wisdom that does transcend the claustrophobic pain of being in a body, and it's nice to hear what they have to say.

So I posed the question:

Why do "bad" things happen to "good" people, Michael?

MICHAEL: When one equates pain with punishment, and pleasure as reward, it is easy to grasp why one would grow into a personal world where one is either punished or rewarded. Most of your species are raised on philosophies of "good" vs "bad," which carries over into the personal score cards of life, efforts, and choices, leaving one to believe he is, ultimately, either "good" or "bad," and deserving of appropriate responses from life. If one is "good," one should not receive punishment, or "bad things" should not happen. If one is "bad," it makes sense to many people that nothing "good" should happen to a "bad" person.

In reality, the concepts of "good" and "bad" are simply irrelevant. "Bad Things" do not happen to "Good People;" LIFE HAPPENS. It is not an either/or scenario, but a range of experiences. "Good" and "Bad" are entirely relative. Many of you may feel your lives are a series of sufferings and sacrifices, but many others would gladly trade their own lives for yours. This relativity does not diminish the experience of pain for any individual, however, because the root of all WHY involving "bad things" is BLAME.

Blame is a locking mechanism; an anchor to your pain. It does not allow for the higher perspective, or the comprehension that could bring peace. In a personal world of punishment and pleasure, reactions to difficulties can become a game of blame, with "thank you's" for the "good," and "fuck you's" for the "bad."

Asking WHY is a valid question, but most do not really mean WHY when faced with tragedies and suffering, but WHO. Who is going to pay for this? Who did this to me? Who is going to fix it?

Life is neutral. It is a space in which to exist as a Being. To blame life for the "bad things" that happen is like blaming a chess board for your loss of the game. The various concepts of "god" are just as encompassing, containing the "game board," if you will. Blaming "god" for your sense of punishment is like blaming a country club for your challenges in playing golf on their course.

Blaming others for your pain and struggles is just as empty as blaming yourself. The reason we can say this is because blame is a form of finding fault, not of insight or direction or solutions. Your life is not someone else's fault, and your life is not your fault.

Your life is simply YOURS.

Part of growing older as a soul is in being able to recognize that ALL of it is simply YOURS. These are YOUR experiences. It is not "good" or "bad." It is not "empty" or "full;" "rich" or "poor;" "happy" or "sad," etc. until you assign it those terms. It is valid to recognize where your experiences are within your defined spectrum, but it will always be valid and empowering to remember that "this is not all there is." As with your feelings and experiences, so does your Life change.

What happens in your life is most often a product of choice, but when it appears that it is not, you still have a choice as to how to respond to it. Blame, and asking WHY (read: who) is a sort of marinating in pain, holding fast to an entitlement that does not exist.

One of the most freeing statements one can make in times of confusion, pain, anguish, tragedy, disaster, illness, depression, accidents, etc. to the point of crying out WHY is:

THERE IS NO ONE TO BLAME, INCLUDING ME, BUT THERE ARE MANY TO HELP ME, INCLUDING ME.

Identifying and dealing with that which may have been the cause of the WHY in your life is valid and healing, but Blame is simply something that goes to bed with you at night, and weighs on your shoulders during the day, trapping you in the past with "what if's" and "should have's." Blame can create a tapestry of connections among your experiences that tightens
throughout your life and sifts out all of the experiences that you
would normally enjoy.

When you ask WHY in times of pain, be gentle. You are not being punished. You did nothing wrong. You are simply trying to make sense of something that is bigger than your current perspective. Always give yourself time to digest, slowly, at a pace that is not defined by anyone, but you. There will come a time again when your heart and mind can wrap around a painful, confusing experience and you may begin to see the patterns, the beauty, and the potential benefit of even the most horrific of events.

Wail in anger, curl up in despair, fold up in grief, but know that it is only one of many experiences you have had, and will have, in your life. There is no conclusive state, "good" or "bad," for any of you; there is only emphasis and focus. At times when the focus and emphasis is on the difficult, allow that to be your focus to the extent that it is necessary, but it will free you from the trap of suffering when you actively remember that it is not a conclusion and that there is no one to blame.

There are no benevolent or malicious beings competing over your soul or your life, wielding out rewards and punishments, randomly or with meaning.

There is only CHOICE. And what you choose to do, next, will always be your choice.

-MICHAEL

Hmmmm... well, for me, this doesn't bring a whole lot of peace right at this moment, but it does offer a perspective that could lead to less-painful days wasted on the WHY's in me, when I could be focusing on the WISE in me. I know better than to blame, but I never thought of my crying out to the world, WHY, meant anything related to a focus on blame... but that is totally where my heart is when I ask that question, now that I think about it! I hadn't considered that before. In that respect, this was very liberating.

So what is your input or response to this post? Use the COMMENTS link to add your responses to this discussion!

WHY is the Question of a Broken Heart

Some days, even with my seeming unlimited resource of optimism, my ability to grasp the most painful of circumstances from a higher perspective, and my playful embrace of disappointment as a comical blunder of something tumbling from my hands, I still have my days when I ask the rhetorical and universal question:

WHY

Some days just... hurt.

Like someone in a heavy boot standing on your neck with a permanent pressure.

I'm sure I just feel this way because of my broken heart.

Kinda down today... that's all.

Baby steps...

BOAT & BIRD

If you be my star
I'll be your sky
you can hide underneath me and come out at night
when I turn jet black and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine

but you can skyrocket away from me
and never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here with more room to fly
just leave me your stardust to remember you by

if you be my boat
I'll be your sea
a depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity
ebbing and flowing and pushed by a breeze
I live to make you free
I live to make you free

but you can set sail to the west if you want to
and past the horizon till I can't even see you
far from here where the beaches are wide
just leave me your wake to remember you by

- Gregory and the Hawk
(listen here)

DREAM: It'll End In Tears

Twister Girl
Originally uploaded by CocteauBoy

Yeesh... my dreams, I swear...

DREAM
I haven't had this themed dream in a long time, but this one was reminiscent of a pattern of dreams I used to have where I was always accompanied by two vague figures in a run for our lives from a group of three who were always chasing us through various, intense adventures. So last night I was with those two unknown people, again, and we were hiding out in a trailer somewhere. We were making a plan as to how and where to go, next, in our escape from those who were after us. A new factor was that SPYDER was with me! Devoted, calm, and wise (a bit different from her character in waking life), she was quietly near.

I glanced out the window to check for anyone approaching: all was clear. As I let the curtains drop back in place, I suddenly saw a figure pass by in the grass, casting his shadow on the curtain! The figure stopped, turned his head in my direction, and I only stood, frozen, counting on the other two in the room to NOT do anything to catch the figure's attention, but I was not able to alert them, either. The figure wasn't able to see me through the curtain, apparently, and moved on.

I turned to the other two, relieved, and encouraged them to hurry, because we had to go... NOW.

I'm not sure how this next part worked, but I knew something about the house across the yard nearby and rushed the others to come with me to the house. I had a plan.

We made sure the yard was clear, hurried out the door, Spyder by my side, and over to the house. Somehow, we were inside, silent, and coordinated in our plan. The house seemed to be ranch-style from the outside, but inside seemed to have various levels, with railings and levels overlooking other levels. I don't even know what we were doing, but we were creeping around with purpose for a while, before getting into the garage. I remember several times that I would notice as we were creeping about the house, that Spyder would be perched somewhere off to the side, or lying comfortably, panting, and watching as we scurried about. I also remember, at one point, a young boy had awakened and come out of his room, rubbing his eyes, and confused as to what he was seeing, but we just went about our business, counting on the boy thinking he was dreaming. I never heard from, or saw him, again.

We got into the garage and somehow had access to the car. I got in behind the driver's seat; Spyder jumping into the passenger's seat, with the other two getting in the back seat. As I started the car, I could not get control over things that seemed they should be easy to control, like the headlights, and getting the car into reverse. I started panicking, but finally got the car to move backwards, even though the car was jerking and stopping/starting, as I gained control, but I didn't gain control fast enough before hitting the accelerator too hard and backing out of the garage before the door was lifted, smashed through it, up an embankment, through a fence. I got the car under control and stopped. We all laughed nervously, but knew we had to get the hell out of there! I drove the car forward, which tore out even more of the fence, dragging parts of it with the car, but falling off as we drove.

We moved fast down a dirt road that seemed to be part of a park, not really designed for a car, crashing over tree roots, and ruts in the road, until I lost control of the car and ran it up the side of a steep bank. Exasperated, we all got out of the car, but as we did, we noticed the police were already nearby at some crime scene or accident. The police had barely noticed our accident, but the noise did catch their attention. A couple of them moved in our direction.

Instead of running, we all remained calm as the police approached. I leaned against the car and remember maneuvering my hands behind my back in some weird fashion. The policemen questioned me, but I don't remember the conversation. They nodded their contentment at whatever our conversation was, and we walked away... but the car was not behind me anymore!

Somehow, I had condensed the car into two portable, shiny, black, square cases, with silver handles, and we walked off with our crashed car all packaged up discreetly.

As we walked through the park, some kind of relief was settling in and we didn't seem to be concerned about being chased. We came across a store (something like a 7-11) and went in to get some refreshments. At the check out, there was a box with an egg in it; something a bit like a Kinder Egg, or a big Cadbury Egg, with the wrapping torn back. It was the "sample" package so you could check out what the egg did.

I lifted the wrapper and the egg "talked" in a kind of "White-Girl-Valley-Girl" dialect, saying things like, "OMIGAWD!" and "FOR SHURRR" and other silly things. I rolled my eyes, but laughed, too. The thing is, it was a real egg... a giant, hard-boiled egg. Peeling and lifting the shell and wrapper caused the egg to "talk" out these phrases, and then you could eat it, I guess.

Anyway, I have no idea from where that diversion came in my dreaming, but we left and continued with a sense of relief, walking to the edge the park. I remember thinking it was all over... at least, for now.

And then: darting out from my side, Spyder took off across the park. She had seen a squirrel or something in the distance. Another dog shot out from behind us, too, and ran as fast as Spyder... directly toward a 4-lane street with speeding cars. The other dog ran into the street, first, and was hit immediately, his body thrown into the air and slamming down, with a horrible, but short, painful yelp. Spyder ran out into the traffic, too, all the while my screaming, "Spyder! SPYDER!!!" and in the middle of the street, she seemed to hear me and turn around to come back... but not fast enough.

She was hit by a car, but not thrown into the air; instead she was dragged under the car and rolled. She was wailing the entire time and all I could say, over and over and over, was "Oh my god... oh my god... oh my god." In the distance, in the middle of the road, she now lay... silent.

But then she got up! She got up, limping at first, then picking up a slight gallop, trying to return to me. I kept saying the "oh my god" over and over as she neared, terrified of what injuries she may have. She was panting and wagging her tail, but clearly in pain. One side of her body was wet, but I couldn't tell if it was blood or water. I kept thinking about internal bleeding, even if her bones weren't broken.

I reached down to touch Spyder, to hold her, and she collapsed, exhausted. I was confused as to whether she was seriously injured or not, but I was so glad she was just ALIVE.

END DREAM

I was still saying, "oh my god..." and crying heavily in the dream, as I awakened this morning... and found Spyder curled up on the floor, but with her chin resting on my arm as I slept on the couch, just looking at me. I hugged her immediately and scratched her in the ways she loves to be scratched... she softly closed her eyes and showed her contentment.

The main themes I have had in dreams over the years do seem to be rooted in "cat and mouse chases," "apocalyptic catastrophes and disasters," and "brutal murders or accidents."

What is UP with that?!

DREAM: The Dangerous Road of Romance

I had another vivid, awful dream last night. I guess it wasn't awful because it was kind of dramatic and adventurous, but it was scary and intense. It is obvious this is just about how I feel about part of my life right now.

DREAM
I don't remember as much as I did when I first got up, but I remember being in a car, driving at night, and somehow hearing some terrible news (by cell phone?) and I was in a panic. I don't even know what the news was, but it had to do with Jip. I remember crying heavily and feeling like I had to make a decision RIGHT THEN. The decision was whether to just GO NOW in the car to Jip or to go get things prepared for a trip. I remember thinking that all I had with me was the clothes I was wearing... and then thought, I can deal with these material things, later... Jip was what was important. So I started the trip to Jip.

At one point I saw what I thought was my exit from the highway, so I took it. When I did, I somehow ended up squeezing down a road through thick trees, leading to an entrance into a tunnel-like space that spiraled down into the earth. I stopped outside the tunnel, got out of the car, and tried to look into the tunnel. It was so dark, I couldn't see much, but I could tell it spiraled down. I hurried back into the car and started driving down the tight spiral...

As I wound down the dark spiral, I kept anticipating that it would lead back out into the night light where I would feel more comfortable again. And then I crashed into something. It was a dead end! The spiral tunnel only led to a wall. I tried to back the car up, but backing up a spiral was impossible, especially with my being in a panic already.

I walked back up the spiral and into the night, my mind full of intense need to get to Jip because he needed me. I was trying so hard to figure out how to get there as fast as I could.

I ran through the trees to a clearing... it was a field of some kind. Alongside the field was a farm. I remember the night being so quiet and disturbing; the kind that is silent, but for the white noise of wind through the trees... only hearing my breath and sniffles.

I, tentatively, crouched and ran to the edges of the farm. Dim light was coming through a couple of windows, but I couldn't tell if anyone was up. I was torn between bothering the occupants, and the need for me to figure out a way to get to Jip, which might mean asking them for help.

I sat a distance away from the house, near a barn, and tried to think. Suddenly, the sound a screen door slamming caught my attention and I looked up to see a man in over-alls exiting the house, heading toward a shed across the yard. He looked angry and purposeful and he was carrying an ax. I tried to move to hide more behind what I think was a bail of hay, but I kicked some metallic tool... and the man stopped, whipped his head in my direction...

...and headed my way.

The only thing I remember after that is my thinking, "I just have to get to Jip... do what you have to do!"

END DREAM

I am sure this is my subconscious playing out my futile attempts to remain close to Jip after our breakup; my willingness to give up everything to be with him from the beginning, but finding only dead ends and danger. Those obstacles seemed completely manageable, but in real life, the obstacles were never about the journey or the road or the battles, but about the fact that it takes two.

Even when you know there is a lot of love being shared, trying to be in a relationship when there is only one person present is a dark and lonely place.

I'll always be a fool for Love. I don't mind.

vlog: Love is like Reincarnation

Through the pain and sense of loss, there is still a core in me that can find the truth of a situation, the bigger truths, the higher perspective... the love. So today I was fluctuating in and out of hate, anger, depression, big love, beautiful truths, clarity, disorientation... just spinning around like a kid on a maniacal merry-go-round. During a bit of a moment of clarity and higher perception, I decided to make a video.

vlog: LOVE IS LIKE REINCARNATION from CocteauBoy and Vimeo.

I don't pretend to be so wise and spouting of profundity... I'm just a guy trying to figure things out in this world and sharing what I am learning as best I can. Sometimes I can hit on a very real piece of wisdom, and other times, I'm just a naive big kid, lost in the world and trying desperately to make sense of something...

It had been occurring to me for a few days now that Love is like Reincarnation: 1) it happens all around us whether we "believe in it, or not." and 2) there is a necessary amnesia that comes with falling in love again, just like we forget our pasts when we choose and create a new life. It's not that we don't learn from our history, but more that we are not confined by it.

I've also been thinking a lot about how I have fought for years to have a Love in my life that fits my ideal form. I have kept most forms of Love at a distance until I can just get my hands on this one kind of Love that I desperately crave. Even when the form is as close as it gets to my ideal, such as it was with Jip (I am truly loved by Jip), I struggle to hold it into the shape I want until I just squeeze it right out from between my fingers...

Love is not something that we can shape or force into a form. I don't think it's a bad thing to search for it in a shape and size that we want to have in our lives, and hope that it is given to us in a way that feels right and good, but it's not a cool thing to reject all the other forms as we search, or that we sabotage the Love that we do find by slowly creeping into it a pressure to make a shape that fits our ideals.

Now, here's something interesting below. This is the Energy Report as given by the entity I channel, "Michael." They give a monthly report like a weather report might be given. There are no predictions, but there are descriptions of patterns that can be observable. As part of the report, Michael describes different parts of the year as having an emphasis on different energies that are similar to personality traits. July through September focuses on our examination of beliefs and perceptions; our ATTITUDE; our personal philosophies come up for scrutiny. As individuals, we choose one of seven Attitudes as part of our personality design for a lifetime, but in an energy report, Michael describes a kind of "weather," or momentum, that is also described by one of the Attitudes. This year, the Attitude that is explored by most of us (regardless of our personal Attitude) is REALISM. That's what Michael's talking about in the first few lines of the report.

Let me know if this resonates to your life, too. The interesting part for me is that I channeled this from Michael on the 2nd of September... I was dumped 6 days later. The report is certainly relevant to my life.., sighhhh...

MICHAEL SPEAKS
090207
Online

[Michael Entity] Hello to each of you. We are here. We will begin with an energy report to which you may ask questions after.

The energy report we are sharing is for September of 2007. As you enter into the last month of emphasis on the Attitude of Realist, the reality of its effect may begin to become more apparent. So far, the emphasis has been gentle for the most part, if not a bit surreal, ironically, but the edges of reality are now up for examination and this may feel a bit harsh in comparison. When we say "edges of reality," we simply refer to the sharper points, the outlines and lines that hold the shapes of your beliefs and perceptions. Inside these lines, there is space and softness in which to move, but when examining the lines, you are dealing with "edges," which are not as pleasant in many cases.

Over September, many of you may find that the lines holding your perceptions together actually change as a way to alter the forms that make up many of your manifestations. In other words, the CONTENT may be something you wish to keep, but the FORMS may change. This is where the "harshness" can come in. Often there is an attachment to FORM, even when CONTENT is unfulfilling; or there is an addiction to the CONTENT, even when the FORM is inappropriate.

In this case, some of you have found FORMS that may be up for change, and it would do you well to understand and trust that the core of what you seek WILL NOT DISAPPEAR, even if the form changes. The FORMS will not actually disappear for most of you, but the opening for more appropriate forms will be apparent and available, if you so choose to allow room for those in your reality.

We realize all of this may seem vague, but as September unfolds, it may become clearer as to what we refer. In short, allowing space, trust, and compassion for the shifts and rearrangements around you over September will allow for the beauty that is intended by these shifts.

KEY Thoughts over September might be:

LETTING GO OF FORM DOES NOT MEAN LOSS

BEING FULFILLED THROUGH appropriate FORM AND appropriate CONTENT IS OKAY TO HAVE AND WANT (it doesn't have to be one or the other)

LOVE, ANYWAY

There are no particular dates of note over September in terms of energy shifts, though the last few days of September and the first few days of October could be said to be a shift into a peaceful comprehension of the year-to-date, with many aspects finally "making sense" on levels of the head and heart. We suggest for you to "make sense" of your changes in the weeks following September, because it may be difficult to comprehend during the weeks of September.

I'm gonna be okay.

R.I.P. Troy n Jip

My adventure in Love with Jip is over. At least as boyfriends.

But I gained a Best Friend for life.

I'm really in shock, hurting, and really don't know how to live right now... but I will figure it all out.

Again.

As usual.

I sure wish life was just... easier sometimes...

Thank you for loving me, Jip.

vlog: COCTEAUBOY'S TRIP

WOUND

So I tried to be funny today for Jip and succeeded, but when he requested I do the same thing again for him so he could film it, the entire thing went awry. Watch closely as I try to play like the wind is so strong it is blowing me away... except... it really does and I lose my balance and you can see I am almost completely horizontal, heading face-down, as I fly out of range of the camera! Of course, the next shot is of Jip closing in on me as I lie on my back after sliding on my face, shoulders, and hands... bleeding all over.

This is what happens when I almost die and then start recovering to a point where I think I can do anything again... but, uh, I can't, yet. I'm not strong or stable, yet, so I don't know what I was thinking.

ENJOY!

One Minute Wanders: COCTEAUBOY'S TRIP from CocteauBoy on Vimeo

vlog: OUT n ABOUT in DAM SQUARE

DAM SQUARE
Originally uploaded by PHOTOMO

Yesterday was a wonderful day of being out and about with Jip and Ankie, his mother! Although I move about like a little, old man and I lose my breath regularly, at least I am moving and functional in the world again! YAY!

We went to Amsterdam's China Town to try to find some herbs and oils that are good for the immune system. We then went to lunch and sat outside under the awning during a downpour that changed quickly to sunshine and breeze again. I love that about Amsterdam weather.

We then walked through DAM SQUARE, which is a huge tourist convergence similar to my New York's TIMES SQUARE. Below is a video of Jip and Ankie saying hi (particularly to NICK!) and a nice spin around DAM SQUARE to share with all my pals!

Eventually, we made it to THE AMERICAN BOOK CENTER where I looked in vain for something to read. I just couldn't find anything and by this time, I was getting exhausted and even almost passed out.

AMERICAN BOOK CENTER

I bought a Writing Magazine to keep me inspired, but my time was running out so Jip and Ankie made sure I got back to Centraal Station so I could get the subway home, alone. They went on to see Jip's brother perform in a band, but I just couldn't go.

CENTRAAL STATION

So here's the little video of Dam Square with Jip, Ankie, and me!

One Minute Wanders: OUT n ABOUT in DAM SQUARE from CocteauBoy on Vimeo

vlog: BACK INTO THE WORLD!

Back Into The World
Originally uploaded by CocteauBoy

Wow.

Yesterday was my first steps back into the outside world after months of being limited to a bed, a room, or an apartment. At first I was very nervous and scared about not being able to keep up my strength or keep my breathing steady, but then as the day wore on, I started getting really excited about going outside. Not only to go outside, but to go DO something! So I convinced Jip that I was well-enough to go grocery shopping!

I walked with him all the way there before needing a tiny break, and then went right on into the store and proceeded to shop like a kid in a candy store! In regaining my health and strength, I am also regaining a large appetite, so being in the store while I was hungry brought out all kinds of cravings I've been having, but couldn't do anything about because I either couldn't describe what I wanted, or Jip had no clue what I was describing. For instance, I have been craving "hash browns" for a lonnnng time. Here in The Netherlands, no one even knows what that is. I kept trying to describe them as shredded potatoes, sometimes pressed into shapes, or sometimes just cooked loosely until crispy. No clue. Well, as soon as I looked into the frozen potatoes section, there were PLENTY of "hash brown" options! When I showed them to Jip, he insisted that the shredded potatoes were just "french fries" and couldn't comprehend what the difference is. Believe me, there is a HUGE difference between French Fries, crispy Hash Browns, and even shredded potatoes that you can fry up. BIG difference. I am a potato fan, so I should know, and now I have my craving fulfulled... that's all that matters.

HASH BROWN

SHREDDED POTATOES (hash browns)

FRENCH FRIES (very different)

Needless to say, my first outing was a success, and I am so happy to be functioning better and better! Here's a little tiny video of my first steps out the door of the apartment and out into the world again...

One Minute Wanders: BACK INTO THE WORLD from CocteauBoy on Vimeo

vlog: Recovery Update

CocteauBoy LIVES!

There is still not much to report as I just spend my days patiently recovering much slower than I expected. I did some research today on my pneumonia to read about recovery times and it seems it's to be expected to be weeks, if not months, before living normal again. And I have to be careful because, apparently, there can be an easy relapse back into the pneumonia after two or three months of recovery! This scares the hell out of me.

But I have to focus only on recovery and getting back into my life. Everything seems as elusive to me as the ground outside of a building where I haven't been able to walk for a couple of months now. I can get around the apartment quite easily now (relatively speaking) and without losing too much breath, but it's still very difficult.

I made a video today on one of my better days after I took my shower and was feeling perky. I also took some pictures of me today to update my profiles since I look so different now.

Strange New/Familiar Face

I miss everyone SO MUCH, but I am SO HAPPY and LUCKY to report that my Love is taking amazing care of me and keeping me from even feeling a tiny bit lost and homesick! I feel safe and at home in his care and I can't wait to be free enough to just go bounce and play about with him like we deserve to be with each other. I love him so much. I really have no idea what I would have done without him.

Enjoy the Vlog!

One Minute Wanders: RECOVERY UPDATE 160607 from CocteauBoy on Vimeo

vlog: HOME AGAIN!

Boy, it feels great to be back home, again! My first night was really disturbing and exciting at the same time, because I had been feeling so good when I left the hospital, but upon settling in for the night, I found it much more difficult to breathe, walk, and pains started growing in places I hadn't noticed before I got home. Apparently, it's quite normal to have a first couple of nights of a sharp drop in strength upon returning home from a controlled environment. Knowing this really helped me to endure.

Other things that add to the shock is just the change of ease from living in one hospital room vs living in an apartment. For instance, as part of the design of our apartment, I have to go down a tight spiral stairs to get to the bathroom, so when completely weak and out of breath, this was a very daunting journey.



Of course, the best part of ALL of this is that my health is returning (slowwwly, but surely) and that I am home with my boyfriend where we can finally collapse into the reality that we are not going to lose each other anymore over this. Those were some painful and terrifying days for both of us and now we just get to experience the relief and the patience for my recovery. I am really lucky to have him in my life. I hate being dependent and completely reliant on someone for the simplest things, so this is a real challenge for me. It's also a challenge for him since he's never had to have someone so dependent on him. Somehow, despite some minor grouchiness at times from both of our parts over this challenging adjustment, we both know what is important in the end and we have to trust and love and endure... and we do. Because we really do love each other beyond all of this.

So here's a little vlog to show you my skinny lil body and that I am walking and talking and being as normal as I can be within a few days of having been in a coma and almost dying! Yeesh, as much as I wish to be better NOW, it is still amazing to me that I am in this good of condition after such a shock of last weekend. Wow.

We can be amazing creatures.

ONE MINUTE WANDER: Home Again! from CocteauBoy on Vimeo

vlog: THE COMEBACK!

In comical honor of Valerie Cherish from the most-excellent, short-lived series "THE COMEBACK!" I am posting my last vlog from the hospital! Originally I thought I would be leaving tomorrow, but I am leaving today! Despite my near-death experiences, coma, and need for serious patience in recovering over the next few weeks, I still have my humor and love! YAY!

For those who don't know Valerie Cherish, you should really buy the series. AMAZING! I still laugh about several of the moments of genius comedy brought to it by Lisa Kudrow. This little vlog just made me laugh and happy to do because I am mimicking her trying to be "natural" as she made her reality tv statement that she was ready for her comeback!

So am I! YAY!

ONE MINUTE WANDERS: The Comeback! from CocteauBoy on Vimeo

vlog: Contemplative Recovery

Contemplative Recovery
Originally uploaded by CocteauBoy

Doctors and Nurses have expressed amazement at my recovery since leaving Intensive Care! I may be leaving the hospital in a day or two! YAY!


ONE MINUTE WANDERS: Reporting in on Recovery! from CocteauBoy on Vimeo

vlog: ANOTHER DAY OF RECOVERY!

Hi everyone!

I wanted to post something positive again in response to my quick recovery. It's been a very scary and rough ride, but it seems I am exponentially repairing myself as each day passes! All I need to do is get my strength back in my legs, which is coming back nicely, and keeping my breathing balanced, as I had a lot of damage to my lungs from the pneumonia, of course.

My dad and Nick flew to Amsterdam to be my side during the worst part of all of this. I was doing fairly well and then was taken to Intensive Care just as they were to arrive, so Nick had to spend most of his time with me in my coma. Although I don't consciously remember it, he sang to me and soothed me as I struggled through the nights and day. I am so grateful for his enduring such a terrifying experience of watching a friend nearly die, or in so much pain.

Of course, I had my father and my boyfriend with me, along with my boyfriend's family. These people have very special love for me that was felt all the way down into my cells; I just know it.

My boyfriend has been with me every single day since this began nearly a month ago, and I have besides the practical, medical care that has definitely saved my life, I have to give my boyfriend credit for truly saving my LIFE. I have never felt such a kindness and love, ever in my life, and his devotion to my recovery and our relationship has changed everything about the way I feel about letting love into my life. I will never reject it again. I will never be mean to myself again. I will never EVER let pettiness and pride EVER get between me and the ones who love me. EVER. He has shown me a way of being loved that I never even knew I could allow in my life, let alone have so freely given to me and without any condition.

I don't know what's ahead for us, but I do know that we are bound forever by a love that probably started long before this life and extends far beyond what we can comprehend right now. This kind of love from him has allowed me to now see that I've always had this with my friends and family and even from acquaintances, and I feel bathed in a beauty that I never knew before. Of course, almost dying always puts things in perspective, too, so that helps.

Apparently, I am still a hoot while I am nearly dead and unconscious. I don't remember much, but reports from my loves have said that I was being dead-pan funny about some things. I can't believe I would be funny in the state I was in, but that's the big kid in me wanting to survive, I am sure.

One of the more touching and emotional reports I got was from my dad. He said that he asked me if there was anything he could get for me. I was strapped down, so I had limited mobility, but I pointed my finger. He said he couldn't understand what I was trying to say, so he kept asking until he figured out that I wanted his hand by my finger. When he held out his palm, he said I struggled, but spelled: J - I - P

When I heard this story I started bawling. It was both so "Lifetime TV Moment" and beautiful and I am just amazed that my love for Jip goes deep enough to be able to spell his name from a place of near-unconsciousness when I was asked what I needed/wanted.

Speaking of crying, because of my lack of ability to breathe, I have not been able to cry about all of this very easily... until today. Today I have been an emotional mess, but in a very good way. Crying for my realizations, for my friends' suffering through this with me, for my suffering, for everyone in the hospital who is suffering, for everyone who is struggling to live, emotionally or physically or intellectually...

My several bouts of crying today were also about gratitude and basically just catching up with my self. It feels great to cry. Like I am being aligned in other ways I need to be as part of my recovery.

Thanks to EVERYONE who took part in my healing... I'm not done, yet, but I am so much better.

I love you.


vlog: ANOTHER DAY OF RECOVERY! from CocteauBoy on Vimeo

vlog: OUT OF INTENSIVE CARE

I can't write a lot right now, but I was able to get access to the internet and my laptop today so I could send out a big love vlog to show that I am recovering. I have serious double-pneumonia, which is now gone, but my body's immune system collapsed and I spent a long time in the hospital. The past few days were with my being in Intensive Care in a coma on a respirator, because I could no longer create oxygen on my own. I am very lucky and happy to be alive. I hope the worst of all of this over, but I should still be in the hospital for another week or two as I regain my strength and learn to breathe on my own.

I can't thank those of you enough who have stuck through this with me and have sent to me cards, thoughts, good energy, healing, etc. I really needed it. I still do and I hope you keep me with you in your happy thoughts.

I know I look really awful in this video and I have lost about 30 lbs, but at least I am feeling healthier and can walk a little and speak easily. YAY! My spirits remain high!

LOVE YOU ALL

ONE MINUTE WANDERS: Out of Intensive Care from CocteauBoy on Vimeo

hospital

just a quick note that my condition is getting so bad that i may have to be hospitalized. i will know more, later. i hope i have good news soon.

Did You Send The Faeries?

THE FAERIES ARE COMING?

I had an amazing "dream" this morning. I have to put dream in quotes because it was not a normal dream that I have ever had. I have had the range of dreams from basic symbolic dreams to Lucid Dreaming, but this was... different. Not only was I awake as far as I could tell, but I was aware enough to discern that I wasn't dreaming. I was able to watch what I saw unfold and choose to allow it, and also to consider the source from where it was coming. I'm not saying I wasn't dreaming, but that it SEEMED that I was totally awake and aware, but who knows with these things.

See, I "dreamt" that faeries were swarming my chest this morning. Hundreds and hundreds of bright, quiet, dutiful, tiny, little faeries in a organized pattern swarming from one corner of the bed, down across my right shoulder, landing on my chest in a pattern of my lungs, transferring something either to or from little spots in my chest, and then each moving on, being replaced immediately by the next, so that it was a constant wave. It was like a river of glittery, shimmering lights that weren't too bright or incredible, just pretty. My chest was constantly covered, with each faerie landing, transferring something, and then leaving, only to be replaced by the next. It was like a highly-organized hive of some insect feeding on me, or planting something on me, in this swarm of light and gentle, breezy wings. They were SO tiny and fast! I know there were a handful of them directing the flow and traffic of the swarm, and I remember thinking how perfectly smooth the flow was.

LIGHT OF MY LUNGS

I did have enough sense about me to think, "I don't even believe in this shit. I don't believe in FAERIES! Please." It then occurred to me that this "energy" may have been sent by someone who DOES believe in things like this and somehow it sustained its shape to the point where I was able to experience it without distorting it. I kept thinking, "wow, someone sent their faeries to heal me." And I went with that. I lay back down and watched the soft-light show, listened to the bristling buzz, and fell back asleep.

The strange thing was that when I woke up again, they were still there, but in less numbers, like the process was almost finished, but still in progress. All I knew was that I was happy with what it felt like they were doing and I lay back down and rest, assured.

I woke up one more time to see only a small quantity of these little faeries remaining, finishing up with my chest, and then they were all gone.

I thought this was one of the strangest, most beautiful dreams I have had in a long time. And I do wonder if someone sent me their idea of "faerie energy" for healing!

If you did, it got to me!

Pneumonia Blues

EVIL PNEUMONIA

I don't seem to be getting better, but I can't tell, really. This pneumonia symptoms come and go with severity throughout the day. All I know is that for the most part, I am in serious pain and aching and lack of breath more often than not. I am on day four of the antibiotics, and the doctor said I shouldn't expect any signs of getting better until the actual last day of the treatment, so I still have hope.

Please keep me in your sweet thoughts and good energy.

A = GOOD LUNGS

B = PNEUMONIA LUNGS (especially left side)

vlog: X-ray Day

ON THE WAY TO X-RAY-VILLE

Okay, most of you probably don't know that over the past week or so I have slowly lost my ability to move without losing all ability to breath properly. It started slowly and then became debilitating over a few days. I tried to just let it pass, at first, but it became apparent that I was becoming seriously compromised when I would have to crawl through the door of the apartment after climbing the steps, and lie for about 15 minutes recovering, panting, coughing, and panicking. I am in great shape from walking dogs and I climb stairs on a regular basis, so to become crippled like this was very shocking.

I finally made an appointment with a doctor. I was worried about this because I am foreign and have no insurance, but I was taken in with no qualms, as long as I paid cash, which ended up being surprisingly less-expensive than any American doctor I had ever seen.

I don't actually see a lot of doctors in my life because I am lucky to be really healthy, but for the times I have had to go to the hospital, I have never been able to pay the hundreds and hundreds of dollars charged for making me wait for hours, then sending me home with nothing but a prescription that I can't afford on top of the bill.

Still, my first doctor visit revealed nothing to the doctor as I showed nothing visually as symptoms, except that my breathing was labored and short. He checked my lungs with a stethoscope and said whatever I had would pass. He then set me up with a prescription for something related to asthma relief.

As soon as I got the medication I took it, especially since the doctor and pharmacist insisted it would have me feeling better within 10 minutes! I was thrilled! All I had to do was crack this pill inside some kind of inhaler, breathe in (which was very difficult to do), and I was set! I took the medicine and went on my merry way to see Jip's play that evening, thinking I was going to be well in no time.

Ten minutes passed and nothing was better.

I took another dosage, thinking I may have done it wrong the first time since I couldn't really breathe in that easily.

I got to Jip's area of town where the play was and realized I was in worse shape than I had been the entire time. I had to turn around and go right back home, but not before forcing myself to buy groceries for our hopeful dinner together and then standing and staring up at the glass-enclosed space where I knew his play was being performed, seeing people milling about, and wishing so desperately to be better so I wouldn't miss his play. I hated having to go back home... but it was a good thing I did.

Except, since I thought I may have taken the first and second doses incorrectly, I went ahead and took TWO MORE, because the prescription was for 4 pills a day, and I was now certain I should be taking them all at once. (Language barriers can leave you with a lot of confusion in some situations -- okay, leave ME with a lot of confusion.)

For the next two days, I lay in misery, shakes, breathless, and feverish, dehydrated, and with one of the worst headaches I have ever had, some of it from whatever I had as an illness, and the rest brought on by the overdose of the medication.

Jip made another doctor appointment for me on a day when he could go with me so he could push any issues using Dutch, if he had to. He totally had my back, and was all puffed up and ready to fight for me if I wasn't taken seriously. Adorable! Adorable, I say!

The doctor asked a few questions, which I wheezed through, and he finally commented, "well, you do look rather sick now, compared to last time." He still just kind of stared at me and shrugged his shoulders, suggesting he had no idea what it was. I suggested that I might have a pneumonia that would require an X-ray to diagnose, and he obliged us with an appointment at the hospital. I don't know what he would have said if I hadn't suggested this, but it seemed to me that he would have been pretty clueless. That's been my experience with most doctors, though: I am the one who tells them what I have, and not the other way around.

Jip escorted me to the hospital, which took a lot of time and effort as I could barely move or breathe, but we got there. We found the X-ray section and didn't wait long, getting my X-rays within minutes, and having the technician come out shortly after... but during those minutes of waiting, Jip and I started running all kinds of crazy thoughts through our heads in worst-case scenarios, catching ourselves, and then trying to keep our spirits up.

AWAITING X-RAY

This was all made worse when the technician came out and said that what he could see was not normal and that he needed others to check the images before he could tell us what to do.

So now Jip and I are in slight panics, with even some choked-back tears, and "we shouldn't be thinking like this" moments.

And then the tech came out and said that it was advised we get to the emergency room right away, based on what was being seen in the images. Jip tried to press for what was wrong, and the tech just said, "If the infiltrate is small, it will be okay, but if it's big, it will be serious." He couldn't explain to us what "infiltrate" meant in medical terms, so we just hurried on to the emergency room. Well, I hobbled meaningfully in that direction.

As we finally entered the emergency room and took a seat, Jip commented that in emergency rooms, only those with serious emergencies get called in before others, so as long as we weren't being called, that was a good sign.

We got called upon immediately.

We were led to a room where I was questioned about my previous health history, had all of my vitals checked, gave blood for testing, and then a doctor spoke to me about the situation.

She basically said that there was definitely an infection in my lungs, but they needed to know what kind of infection so they could properly recommend treatment. In the meantime, she had a lot of questions about my experience with the development of the symptoms, and the scariest part was asking if I was HIV+, because "we usually don't see this kind of infection outside of those with seriously-compromised immune systems." I didn't want to get into a huge debate about the lack of science behind HIV testing and the whole AIDS theory, but I told her I hadn't been tested in a long time. Of course, this sent Jip and I into new territories of fear and anxiety as we were now left to wait for the blood tests. The only thing of which we were assured, and this was because Jip made sure he asked anyone who might have an answer, was that I would not be dying that day.

So Jip and I waited, and waited, and waited, and the anxiety levels peaked and then fell away to exhaustion and restlessness...

The doctor finally called on us and Jip and I were taken into a room for discussion. I was intuitively feeling pretty good about everything in general, but it is amazing how much fear can cloud your senses as it tries to prepare you for the worst threats you can think of.

I told I was going to be fine... that my vitals were all great, my blood sugar was balanced, my oxygen in my blood is healthy, and my blood was free from any immuno-deficiencies. In other words, I was perfectly healthy, except for what I had... which turned out to be "atypical pneumonia," though a rare strain, according to the doctor. Atypical Pneumonia is often called WALKING Pneumonia, since it shows very little symptoms, sometimes not even showing in X-rays.

I was given a prescription for 7 days of Antibiotics for treatment, with the assurance that it should knock it out within those 7 days. YAY!!! And even though I was just diagnosed with a potentially-deadly disease, I felt such relief! Not only from the fact that I think this will pass easily now that I have something specific to treat, and it will be treated properly, but also because of all of the good health feedback!

I have rarely had to go to the doctor in my life, except in some rare emergencies, so I have been really lucky, and I have given a lot of trust to my body and intuition in my life, but I knew I needed to see a doctor this time, and it was great to hear some validation of my little body's health... poor little thing, dragging me around all day the way it does.

Oh, and one of the fun parts of the day for Jip, of course, was getting to see me squirm, shirtless and shy, twice today, as I got examined. I normally hate being exposed and I had to be all cool and calm and let Jip just get his eye-full of candy before I finally had to just tell him to stop staring. Here I am, wheezing and folded and having no strength to even try to be sexy, but somehow I guess it still comes through... even as I have pneumonia. I really wanted to hate that I was being exposed like that, but there was something just as healing in that exposure as there was in the feedback about my good health.

Thanks to everyone who has sent support, love, donations, and healing my way. This illness has taken a toll in a lot of ways, so your help is really appreciated. Thanks to my dear friends for being so concerned about me and wishing to be with me by my side as I deal with this, and I am so sorry I am so far away.

And thank you to Jip, who has gone above and beyond in taking care of me and making sure I am treated properly. Seriously, I would not have been able to be helped today, if not for him, so send Jip a LOT of love.

I love you, Jip. There, I said it.

The following is a surprise video Jip made of me after our long day at the hospital, walking on the subway platform, and in between breathing attacks... we were so relieved at this point.

One-Minute Wander: X-ray Day from CocteauBoy on Vimeo