Home... Again

We are finally done with our big move to our new apartment, settling in, and making the space liveable. I have not been this happy with an apartment and neighborhood in such a long time!

The neighborhood is full of gorgeous brownstones, very friendly services, conveniences, etc. It is the perfect balance of City vs Nature.

The people around here leave a little bit to be desired so far. The area is populated by what appear to be a mix of midwestern suburbia transplants who still do not know how to smile or be friendly to a stranger (true NYers are very friendly), and transplanted hipster cuties who generate a posture that was obviously learned from bad TV shows about NYC. It is really odd. When you say hello to most people around here you may as well have just spit a hocker on their faces. They react like you have just committed an atrocity! Very weird.

Despite the lack of friendly pedestrians, I still LOVE the apartment and the neighborhood.

Here are a few pictures of the day we moved in, along with one picture of how we have managed to make the best with what we have. We won't be able to paint for at least a couple of more weeks, but that will make a huge difference.


Living Room view from Dining/Foyer area (before)


Living Room area (after)


Looking toward Dining Area/Foyer from Living Room


Looking from my room across Living Room to Cyprus' room


Kitchen and Bathroom off of Dining/Foyer area


Cute Little Kitchen


Cute Little Kitchen (view 2)


Partial view of Cyprus' teeny Bedroom


Partial view of Cyprus' teeny Bedroom


Partial View of Cyprus' teeny Bedroom (looking out toward living room)


Partial view of Troy's Bedroom


Another partial view of Troy's Bedroom

I am so happy with how much light, air, and coziness there is in our new home! I think I could live here for the rest of my life! I will post more updates as we make the place into more of a home! As you can see, the landlord did NOT paint or complete repairs... sigh...

WORK: I am adjusting to my lack of steady work now... unemployment sure helps! I have been busting my booty to get my web site functional, revitalized, and made into a wonderful community again, so I hope that pays off on many levels! So far, so good. 7 Paths

DREAMS:

1: I dreamt that Nick asked me to get back together with him. How sad is that.

2. I dreamt that I was part of a secret society that had learned how to extract a liquid from a person that carried a quantifiable life force measured in years. So you could basically extract 5 years from someone and give that 5 years of life to someone who had been seriously injured or was terminal. Once that liquid 5 years was used, then 5 years was immediately removed from the donor's lifespan. You could actually see within minutes the aging of the 5 years! Anyway, this was a totally philanthropic organization who also had metaphysical knowledge as to who were the most powerful and positive and pivotal people on the planet. If any of those key people were harmed or became sick, we would track them down and give them the viles of liquid to extend their life until their pivotal task was done! I remember looking at my hands as I climbed a ladder and they aged before my eyes; I knew a vile of my years had been used successfully to help someone.

3. I dreamt about a bizarre display room in the basement of a mall where these unusual watches were being sold. I tried on this cool watch that looked like a smoothed, oddly-shaped stone. The stone was hollowed out and opened to reveal a glowing light of either blue or green along with its hollow filled with 3 differently sized stones. There were like 3 of one size, 6 of another, and 12 of another, all resting in this wet muddy moss. I was very confused as to how this was a watch and as I stared at the moss and mud, the stones started moving and shaping themselves into an order. The moss and the mud began dividing, too. I don't know how I knew it, but I figured out that the arrangement of the moss, mud, and stones, along with the color of glowing light, indicated exactly what time it was! I was thrilled with the concept!

4. Finally, I dreamt that I was invited to a TV cult classic movie showing. I was invited because people couldn't believe that I had created a movie, but it wasn't me. The name was very similar, but it was a couple of letters off. The movie was titled, "The Strange".

I dream the strangest dreams...

SAKS SUKS

I hope I look back on this day and see that I made the best of it... I was told today that I no longer have a job. Saks let me go. Several people were let go. I don't know the extent of the changes, but that's all moot. I now have no income.

Oh, and we signed our lease to our new apartment today...

Sigh...

Invasion is so Succexy...

I am finally getting these images posted from our amazing time with METRIC last week! I could not believe how much energy and charisma this band has. They have been on tour forever, and they still manage to seem as if every single night is the best night they have ever had performing! It feels so good! If you have not checked out METRIC, you really should. The music is deceptive at first, but after about 3 listens to one or two songs, you are hooked by the smart lyrics, catchy choruses, and impressive/expressive energy that is infectious.

Emily was in her trademark charismatic spastic weirdness that drives everyone into a happy worship, even leaping into the crowd to body surf briefly. She is so thin and tiny, it is not much a deal that 20+ hands can pass her around easily. I love seeing people do what they love to do. It is so inspiring.

I grabbed a few snapshots as best I could... click on an image for a larger version.



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Shhh...

Elizabeth Fraser in Shhh... @ Victoria and Albert Museum in London

My god... the glorious sound of Elizabeth Fraser has graced me today in the throes of my illness. I am so happy. It is at once heaven and hell to hear her, because the clip is just too small and it just taunts me.

Elizabeth Fraser (formerly of Cocteau Twins) was asked to do a piece for an auditory museum theme in London, along with a number of other worshipped, unconventional true artists such as David Byrne, Leila, Faultline, and others.

Shhh... Sounds in Space
go direct to Elizabeth's feature
[hear Elizabeth below]
QuickTime Clip

DREAM

I dreamt I was in Taren's apartment (in which I have never been in waking life). We were all getting ready to go out or something. I had to go to the bathroom really bad, so everyone was waiting for me to piss. I stepped into the bathroom and was immediately disgusted. I started getting that tickle in my throat like I was going to vomit. There was a bare bulb hanging from the ceiling, mold everywhere, and the tiles/walls were this seafoam-greenish-nauseous color. I don't remember any smells, ironically. The room was very tiny so that my ass was actually touching the tiny sink as I angled to pee into the toilet, which was turning into its own disaster. The toilet was covered in piles of clothes, a basket, and various other things. I wanted to put the stuff on the floor, but I couldn't because the floor was wet and muddy with stones, dirt, gravel. So I lifted the seat to try to pee while holding it up, which of course left my pants to become too loose and they fell around my ankles. Because I was freaked out about my pants getting dirty, I flinched and started pissing onto the floor, but I quickly realized I not only pissed on the floor, but all over my own messenger bag that was dangling near my feet, and I had pissed on my jeans, too. I was getting really grossed out, but felt obligated to act like it wasn't offensive to use her bathroom. Meanwhile, the floor had become softened by the liquid and my own piss, and my shoe got sucked off. For some reason there was no solid floor anymore, just piss, mud, gravel, and disgust. I can't remember what led to my losing both of my shoes and my socks, but at some point before I awakened, I was standing with the piss and gravel squeezing up between my toes and the smell of urine was getting stronger (AND I hadn't even finished peeing!)

I woke up and had to pee.

The Hardest Hit Make The Best of It

Uuugghh... I am sick.

I have some kind of flu or severe SEVERE cold. The coughing I have endured has caused my ribs around the back of my body to ache beyond belief. Today I decided to check and I can't tell if it is my imagination, but I can swear that my skin is showing bruising along the sides of my torso. The pain is excruciating. I am taking 4 different drugs to help reduce the symptoms and aching. I have never taken drugs like this before. I am in a rare state, that is for sure.

I finally went on my first date since my breakup. I went out with the cutie who everybody refers to as my "wigger".


"wigger boy" (posted with permission)

The interesting thing is that we have absolutely nothing in common, he is antisocial, he hates my music, my tastes, my lifestyle, is impatient, distracted, comparatively superficial, very emotionally young, cynical, defensive, he eats animals,... basically he is the very antithesis of me. Somehow, though, we actually had a very sweet time. We walked all over Brooklyn Heights, along the promenade, to the pier, back through the heights, down Smith Street, all over. He peppered the evening with surprise gestures of affection and overall, we both had a great time.

Unfortunately, because of his distractions and our lack of common ground, I doubt much will happen beyond this one meeting. He seems to think the differences make no difference, and as friends, maybe they won't, but as far as dating, that gap would be a big problem. Also, I am a very indulgant boyfriend, so I love to indulge in the other person and expect as much enthusiasm from my boyfriend to indulge in me. That includes healthy compromises, passionate open-mindedness, patience, and a deep, deep trust. I don't think I would find that in "wigger".

But who knows... he may prove me wrong across time.

GOTHIC NEIGHBORHOOD

I just thought I would share some of these gothic photos I took while exploring our potential new neighborhood. I'm beginning to think I should take up photography as a serious hobby. I really love it.


Gothic Neighborhood


Gothic Neighborhood


Gothic Neighborhood


Gothic Neighborhood


Gothic Neighborhood

I say our new neighborhood is "potential" because now the new landlord has said that the gutted apartment he showed us may have to be "given" to a relative of his! I cannot believe it. He tells us this AFTER we have committed to a move out date with our current landlord, so now Cyprus and I really are in a state of limbo. The new landlord says he will confirm with us on Monday with a yes or a no to the apartment we were promised. He is trying to redirect us to an apartment that is half the size in a far less desirable location.

Needless to say, Cyprus and I are not amused.

Comin' Home Again...

Well it has finally happened (again)... Cyprus and I are moving! We continue to work hard and do our best to create a stable adult life, which is harder than you may think for two overgrown, big kids at heart.

The apartment is not far from where we currently live, but the DRASTIC nature of the neighborhood is amazing. But that's the way New York is anyway. One side of our current block is swarming with the stink of fast food, street noise from hell, screaming 'hood people, sometimes fighting, and just horrible, scraping trucks that idle for hours... then on the other side of our block, it is serene, gorgeous brownstones and playful dogs walked with pleasant people, trees, history, peace...

Well, Cyprus and I are now moving into that kind of space,... but even BETTER!

The neighborhood is embracing, warm, friendly, civil, and beautiful.

I don't want to post too many details, since this is public, but some pics are below. For the most part, I wanted to document the transition from the BEFORE and AFTER. We are renting an apartment that is not even finished being renovated. Thankfully, I have seen the renovations of this landlord in other apartments, so I trust it will be excellent. All new appliances, an elevator in the building, and laundry in the building. I cannot wait to move now!!! YAY!! We will be living near the water, along the promenade, with tons of neighborhood amenities!

Check out the BEFORE pix below. Our new apartment is currently gutted and in the process of being completely revitalized.

The entrance to our home! YAY!


The gutted kitchen!


First Bedroom w/Bathroom


First Bedroom w/Bath (note how HUGE it is with the person in the photo!)


Second Bedroom w/o bath


Second Bedroom w/o bath


Gutted bathroom outside of second bedroom!


A portion of the Living Room (it was filled with debris and too big for one photo)

So watch for your HOUSEWARMING PARTY invites in JULY!!

RUSSIAN SCAM!

How hilarious... I am barely a month into my online dating scene and I find I have been targeted with a scam. Thank god I am internet-savvy and very research-oriented, because in all seriousness, I might not have figured this out for a long time. Why wouldn't I have figured it out? Because as much of a researcher and an internet-savvy person I may be, I am also a sucker for kindness and giving the benefit of the doubt far too long.

I had received an email from a guy in Russia, flattering me and asking if he could basically be my pen pal and just have a gay friend with whom to share. I thought this was cool, kind of reminiscent of high school when I did have literal "pen" pals. I even affectionately thought about it today while at work, thinking this was a nice treat, no pressure, because I have been avoiding actually going on any dates. A pen pal might be a nice, non-threatening way to just have fun.

So I go to write him back tonight, re-reading his broken English email, and I decide to search on his country so I can speak intelligently with him, ask him questions, etc. About 6 entries into the search results, I see the words "INTERNET SCAMMER". Some part of me must have known, because for some reason it totally made sense to me within seconds despite my original affection for the idea of a pen pal.

Sure enough, the alert from ANTISCAM not only included the guy's picture, but his email to me nearly EXACTLY as I had received it. The letter continue on, eventually leading to a request for money, presumably once the victim is hooked with prospects of a foreign love affair coming to fruition through a few cash advances and a ticket out of Russia.

WOW!

SpringTime in NYC!

I love the cold, the cool, the chill of Fall, Winter, and Spring, and I HATE the heat, humidity, the stink of Summer. I have never been able to understand why some people prefer to sweat, give off odors, and generally appear greasy. The dry heat of the southwest is better, I admit, but that's like choosing between the lesser of two evils, like choosing between being trapped inside the thighs of an angry whore after three days of street-walkin' or being trapped inside the doors of an oven. Oddly, I do think we had quite a long Winter of cold, so I was actually happy to see the sun coming out in such glory recently within the chill.

 

Then, all of a sudden, it's an 80+ degree day!!! Where the fuck did Spring go?? Supposedly it will cool again and I hope that is our Spring, but if it just jumps right into humidity and heat, I am going to be in for a long, miserable Spring/Summer. Uggh. Still, for some reason, any weather in NYC is glorious in some way.

And that glorious day prompted all of us to go out and have a great time!

First, we all went to DOJO's on St. Mark's Place in the East Village for a nice brunch, then walked around for treats, and finally went to see KILL BILL Volume 2 (which was just brilliant!) 

<see pix below of the sunny fun day>


DON


JOSHUA


THZAIRA


Cyprus [through Tibetan store window]


Nick [with lover]


Troy [in my new Gay Pimp glasses]


Cyprus [with lover]

SO much to write about, so little time!!

[excerpts of a life synopsis of a week: a. cyprus and i are moving again! b. have had tons of dreams to upate here c. had another funtastic night out with Hedda and the Classics, so funny my face was still hurting the next day!]

"Life is a banquet, ...."

"....and most poor suckers are starving to death!"

My god, this past week was SO full!!

First of all, it was a very busy week at work...

This is a pic of my little cubicle that encapsulates my Being far more than any other location on Earth.

As Wednesday came around I was getting serious cabin fever, so when Leela spontaneously invited me to some friend's Comic Book release hosted in The Coral Room, I was ready to go. Who doesn't love a huge wall of LIVE Mermen and Mermaids!?

I called my pal Paul who was also synchronistically, spontaneously available, and we headed out after work to meet Leela.

That night turned out to be surprisingly profound as Paul and I talked about Loss, Grief, Consciousness, Transformation, and Love. Although I have had a great support group around me throughout my oddly-quiet breakup with Nick, I have to give Paul the trophy for "Greatest Breakthrough from Grief while in a Synchronistic, Spontaneous Environment among Swimming Mermaids and Too-Loud 80s Punk Rock"!

Most people who are close to me tend to step back when I am grieving, angry, or lost and confused, because I am such a control-freak that I have convinced everyone I can do everything better by myself. That's a reality I prefer most of the time, but one that can bite me on the ass when I am really lonely or in need of a profound breakthrough. I think the resonance of what Paul had to say was amplified by the innocence through which it was delivered, because it was less advice and more of a personal story.

Paul was sharing his perception of a friendship in his own life that had caused him a great deal of grief, depression, and anxiety. This friendship was one in which Paul would have preferred more, and one in which the friend was allowing a blur to occur between that "friendship" and "more". This had become frustrating and painful for quite a while, but over time Paul realized that most of the pain had come from his own EXPECTATIONS of the friend, and not from the friend. Paul finally allowed himself to see just how much the friend did Love Paul, how much the friend gave to his fullest capacity in his own way, and just because it was not in the way that Paul expected or wanted, it was still a depth of giving from the friend that had to be recognized. So when Paul basically let go of the inner demand for the friend to fit that expectation, Paul was able to finally Love and Be Loved in a more intimate and meaningful way. It is all bittersweet, but it struck a very powerful chord in me about Nick.

Nick has always given me every ounce of Love he can manage. I know that. The fact that he will not love me in the way I want him to love me does not negate the reality of his important love for me in his way. As Paul spoke to me about his friend, a forgiveness toward myself and for Nick swept over me to the point of tears. I kept myself composed, of course, but I was feeling a relief from the anger and resentment toward Nick that I hadn't felt before. It was like I finally "got it".

You know, on the surface it can easily look like Paul or I have "made excuses" for the behavior of the other person we wanted so much to be with, but that's not the case. The reason I am secure in my genuine realization is because Nick has never intentionally hurt me, as Paul can say about his friend, too. It would be one thing if these guys had been mean or insulting and then I accepted these lame philosophies just to make myself feel better, but in both relationships, Paul and I agree that our guys were 100% giving of 100% of what they could. It actually put into perspective how, ironically, Paul and I were the ones lacking in our efforts to "love". It put into perspective how conditional we had become.

I can't say the grieving is over, but I can say that my night with Paul probably removed weeks, if not months, of time from the process.

Thank you, Paul. And thanks to all of my friends for any part of support you have given me across my life!

We said goodnight to Leela (who was just the cutest social butterfly of the night), and eventually Paul and I ended up at Barracuda. Paul and I continued some great conversation, but we quickly had to succumb to the tiny stage show that we had not realized would be ensuing.

A 7-foot tall drag queen who could have easily passed as Kathy Griffin came onto the stage with a bored demeanor and a deep voice only to lip-synch to awful songs and pass around a spitoon for money. Despite my lack of interest in the show, the night wore on, and Paul left, and I stayed, and eventually I heard a lip-synched song by PEACHES. I know my friend MYKEY loves her, but I hate that raunchy, rap-like, rough shit. But that night/morning was the first time I actually found myself liking her, too! The atmosphere, the liquor, the people, the overall great night,... all contributed to my finally saying "YES!" to Peaches! Now I LOVE that song, "fuck the pain away"! It was deliciously obnoxious and perfect for the night.

I didn't get home until around 5am. I won't say why.

I stayed home from work on Thursday to recuperate...

Thursday night had been a plan for going to Chelsea's Clearview Classics Night at the theater. It was the first time we had heard about these great classics being played on the big screen every week! We were so excited because they were playing AUNTIE MAME! I almost bailed on going out for the movie, but I had a feeling it was going to be so worth it. Nick, Don, and Taren had never seen the movie, so to watch something so inspiring and funny with people who had never seen it, and on the big screen at that, I knew I had to go! What I experienced was nothing short of one of the best times I have ever had in NYC!

The night was hosted by HEDDA LETTUCE, one of the most genuinely witty, talented, and funny Drag Queens in NYC. She was actually in character as her Jewish Aunt, "NETTA ICEBURG", as she hosted AUNTIE MAME. She was so hilarious. As she asked the audience to raise hands if you haven't seen the movie, she insisted no one be shy about it, "no judgments here, no judgments here...", she said in her strong Jewish Aunt accent. Once the room was about 1/3 full of raised hands, she spittled out, "YER ALL STUPID! HOW COULD HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS MOVIE!!???" That was particularly funny because Cyprus and I had that similar response to everyone who had told us he or she hadn't seen it! The movie generated smart laughs, inspiration, and reminder that life is really so grand if we make it that way.

After the movie, Hedda was in her "Hedda" character at the EAST OF EIGHTH lounge performing her weekly show. She had invited all of us during her hosting of the movie and I am glad we went. She is SO FUNNY! She sings these hilarious parodies of classic and pop songs, mixed with commentary and interaction with the intimate crowd. It's just so New York City and I love that whole lounge scene with the martinis and laughs and good people.

A special bonus for the night was in meeting the hotties from the new movie SHOWBOY. I love NY for the fact that famous, semi-famous, and infamous people are just a part of the pedestrian world like everyone else. Hedda, Christian, and Adrian were kind enough to let Don take a picture with Taren and me.

Normally, I do not take photos, but these days I am seeming to be visually document everything! I don't know if I would have been interested in this movie on its own, but in meeting the boys, I now feel I should see it as a form of support. The writer and star, Christian, used to write for Six Feet Under, so he has a HUGE amount of admiration from me just for that! God, I swear I look like Rosie O'Donnel in the photo above!

Speaking of infamous... I also had the sweet experience of recognizing a worker at East of Eighth as being a former member of the staff from the reality series THE RESTAURANT. He was the little flaming gay boy waiter/host who quit because of Rocco's abusive, neglectful, and arrogant effects on the work environment. He was so friendly and sweet!

Again, I ended up at Barracuda for the night. Taren and Don accompanied me. We were just being ridiculously silly!

DON, TAREN, ME


A PENI-TINI


A TAREN-TINI

Don and Taren left, but I stayed for the "Star Search" show, hosted by Candis Cayne, a very beautiful transexual who is one of the many famous Drag/Trannie hosts in the NY underworld. The CHEER NEW YORK gay cheerleader boys were spontaneously called to the stage, which was a lot of fun.

I got home around 4am and still got to work by 8:30am on Friday.

The rest of the weekend was pretty calm and uneventful, thank god, so I could work on my stuff with Michael and the web site. I am nowhere near being caught up with that.

DREAMS UPDATE:

I dreamt I was chatting with some guy who suddenly acted like he was surprised and appalled at my being gay. He still insisted on meeting me.

I dreamt I killed someone, which I have never dreamed in my life! I can't remember what led to my killing him, but it had something to do with his constant threats against my life. I remember the killing wasn't planned, but I broke his neck while trying to make him shut up. I remember knowing it was only a matter of time before someone found the body, but I acted like nothing had happened and went about my days in quiet panic, wondering what I would do.

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Sex Dreams

I have been having dreams that I have not recorded, which include:

Cyprus and I decided to move to Australia. I remember it being a bittersweet decision that was full of hope and yet deeply saddening. The view of the house was very similar to what one might see in the Tucson, Phoenix, Tempe area of Arizona.

Now I can't remember who won, but someone in my dream won a substantial lottery jackpot. I don't think it was me, but I knew it would be shared with me.

And last night I dreamt about a disturbing sexual competition that involved keeping an erection and rotating partners and doing all kinds of weird things. I remember that I felt like I was winning, but some kind of interruption was happening that was making the competition break up. I think I was very disappointed that I would not be able to win. [note: as with all of my sex dreams, the actual sexual part is always implied rather than actually experienced. I don't think I have ever actually dreamt of an actual sex act... hmmmm]

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Life's Too Short To Make Things Last

I've been quietly (and not so quietly) having a really hard time with my breakup. It's such a stupid looking thing from the outside, but when you are inside that kind of rejection, god, the things that run through your heart and mind... For me it's like every hateful, angry, "told-you-so" inner criticism of myself and my life comes out in crescendo. I've been finding myself hating Nick and mustering the strength to completely remove him from my life. I know this is not what I want, but there is a sort of satisfying sense of punishment found in that possibility; "if i can't have you, then you can't have me AT ALL!" That kind of thing...

Anyway, I know this stage is as normal as any other and I will heal and it will pass.

Last night I obligated myself to some cocktails with Nick and Don because of it being Nick's ex-coworker-slash-obnoxious-acquaintance's birthday. (NOTE: Nick would rarely, if ever, go out on a weeknight just for drinks and socializing, but oh, have some obnoxious, ex-coworker off-handedly invite and he is there! ) We went to XL in Chelsea and actually had a good time, punctuated by my occasional badgering of Nick as to WHY WHY WHY did he dump me. I am sure he just loves that. Otherwise we had to listen to his obnoxious, car-salesman, loud-mouthed acquaintance scream out faux-jock "woo hoo's" peppered with "oh I LOVE HERRRRRRR!" when someone like Britney or Christina came whoring onto a video monitor.

Interestingly as the night wore on, Nick and I discovered that most of us there were only remotely connected to this guy, all of us being mere acquaintances, which was at once a bonding factor and also just sad. I did end up with two guy's numbers by the end of the night. I may be in mourning, but I have been dumped and my ass isn't going to be moping around shunning men.

Speaking of... I have YET to follow through with actually going on a date with any guy who has asked me out. I just keep making excuses and delaying it. Dating seems so tiresome right now, even though I actually have some really cool guys to go out with and just have fun. Luckily, they all seem to be just nice guys with very embracing and earthy attitudes (except a couple of them). I will take the plunge soon enough. No rush.

On the artistic front: a long time ago I was browsing through STRAND BOOKSTORE in the village just trying to find something fictional to read. I read so much non-fiction that sometimes I just want a really great fiction book to get into. I found this gay-themed, sort-of-adventure-coming-of-age, book called IN AWE. I was less impressed by the actual story than by the author, SCOTT HEIM. For some reason he struck me. As I went to read the book later, I saw in his "gratitude" notes that he thanked Elizabeth, Robin, and Simon for "constant inspiration". I could not believe I was reading that!! A random author I had just found was thanking Cocteau Twins!!??? Cut to years later now, I am updating my own web site and entering a link to Cocteau Twins' web site... I happen to check in on the site and read the latest news... Robin, of the now-defunct Cocteau Twins, along with Harold Budd (who worked with Cocteau Twins on a project called MOON AND THE MELODIES) will be scoring the soundtrack to one of Scott's novels being made into a movie!!

Congratulations, Scott! Your life is my fantasy!!

Troy

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Scars N Stars

First off, I think I have injured myself when working out. I don't think I should still be this sore in such a specific area. The muscle/tendon right above my elbow is actually kind of bulging and I can barely lift my hands to my face. Hmmm, I will have to see.

DREAMS:

I dreamt that I was with someone and I am not sure how we heard or knew this, but we knew a friend/acquaintance of ours was in a bizarre predicament in his apartment. It almost feels like I and that person with me were detectives investigating a report, but I am not sure. Anyway, when we entered into the apartment of the friend (or person having been reported), we found him with his face/head smashed into a high part of a wall, with his head completely pushed into the wall to his neck. His neck had been broken and he was hanging all limp about 3 feet off the ground. You couldn't even see his head, it was pushed in so completely. It was particularly startling because the space that his head was pushed into seemed too small, like his head must have had to have been crushed to get it through. I went over to lift his body up, to take pressure off of the neck, and that's when the guy spoke!! I could see his lips and eyes moving as he spoke from his mangled head. I cannot remember what he said to me now, but it was a message.

Next I dreamt that I was pressing on my right chest muscle and massaging it because a sharp pain was shooting through. Somehow there was a discussion about the fact that my heart was actually scarred.

[note: yesterday in Waking Life, I really did have a sharp pain in my chest that caused me to massage my chest]

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CHUBBY TRUBBLES

Bruises, Bruises...

So last night was my first night doing my weight lifting routine.

One of the very fit men from the gym showed me around the machines I was scheduled to do, being very patient and very instructive. I have a workout plan (generated from www.workoutplan.com) that is designed for weight loss and lean muscle building and scheduled for five days a week. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday are Cardio workouts (running, biking, rowing, stepping), and Tuesday and Thursdays are weights, focused on lean muscle development. The very fit man from the gym commented that I had a "great workout plan", so I guess that site knows what it is doing.

Okay, first of all, I just realized it is freaking me out that I am talking about a GYM or WORKING OUT. Well, as with my breakup, new dating life, and working out,... it is all just another adventure in the end. I can't believe how enthused and committed I am to getting in shape, but I'm going to do this... for me.

One of the things you may not realize is how HARD it is for me to type this morning!! My arms are killing me, but not where you would think they would be (like the bi- or triceps). No, they are aching and difficult right around the ELBOW! Now... what the hell??!! I think I did the "Lat-Pulldown" exercise incorrectly or something, because I just can't imagine why someone would need to work out an ELBOW muscle? I'm trying to remember if I have ever commented to myself about how fit someone's elbow area is? I just don't think so. So this is either a stupid pain in my elbow from a misused weight machine, or I am just not educated enough yet about this working out stuff.

DREAM

I dreamt about "C" last night. I haven't even met the guy yet, but we have a strong online interaction going, so I am looking forward to our date Thursday night. He is a temperamental, fucking brat, who throws tantrums and expresses severe cynicism on a regular basis, so it is clear why I am attracted (god help me). In my dream last night we had just met and I was surprised by how big he is, as in tall and big-boy-ish. I do know he is over 6 feet tall in Waking Life. When we met, we were all giddy and silly and joked about how scared we were that we would reject each other in 3D. There were other people with us, but I am not sure who they were. Oddly, he made me stand up in front of him and he laughed happily as he made me do a turn around in front of him. He helped turn me by putting his hands on my waist and moving me in a slow spin. He was so excited and laughing, commenting on how he could not understand why I would ever have been concerned. So then I affectionately made HIM get up and do a turn around for me. I was very surprised by how "hard" his body felt in my dream, but at the same time it was so soft, through his clothes. One of the mystery people with us asked him to show his tummy, so he begrudgingly leaned back on this stool and pulled up his shirt. He was very fit, but that was the least attractive thing about him in my dream. Instead, I was totally attracted to his playfulness and ability to poke fun at our fears. Making us do a spin in front of each other like some kind of cattle auction seemed to put things into perspective and make us laugh and get that whole stupid distraction out of the way.

Cut to us walking around someplace I didn't recognize, but it seemed "small town", like a semi-residential neighborhood. We were walking Spyder and talking and laughing. Somehow Spyder got loose and took off running, and though she had a long delay in responding to my calling her back, she did eventually come back and I was so relieved.

Hmmmm....

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LIVIN' LARGE

After a long, long day of work, and despite the tempation to skip it, I made my first step into the gym! I barely made it before it closed, giving me about 30 minutes to do exactly what I had gone to do: walk fastly for 30 minutes on a treadmill. To help me with my newfound enthusiasm for fitness, I bought some simple, but cozy and cool sweats and a couple of cheap t-shirts and a good ole hat to throw on before and after. I walked at 3.5 mph at a 6.0 grade for 30 minutes and then a cool down. My damn legs were burning and I felt like I was walking on rubber when I stepped off of the treadmill. I wondered if I would feel self-conscious in the gym and for the most part, I didn't feel anything except my focus. My music helped, though I swear, just one teensy step with the wrong angle or timing and I would have flown off the belt. I had to really focus and just keep walking, walking, walking... Luckily, there were very few people there that late at night.

And even luckier that no one saw the large, long strip of tape running up the side of my new sweats reading [size: L L L L L L L L L L]. I found it as I bent to breathe after my long, intense walk...

Tomorrow is my first weights work out! WOO HOO!

...And Away We Go!

Euthanasia of the Heart
It is at once exciting and very sad that I am single again. I had that few days where everything seemed perfectly alright and then I was hit for about 3 weeks of grieving and sadness; nothing debilitating or too difficult, but just surprising. I know Nick didn't intend to hurt me, so I don't take it as a hurtful choice of his to move in a different direction than we thought (for nearly four years!) Still, I miss everything about our relationship; and because that is the only way I have ever known Nick, he now seems like a stranger to me. I think that makes me the saddest of all. I'm trying very hard to be his friend, but for now I can't seem to reconcile the momentum of our routines, concerns, plans, and affections as boyfriends and these new, muted behaviors that would support only friendship. It's just awful to have to make a profound effort to let someone go, but even worse to actively have to kill a happy, loving, affectionate part of your Being so that it can accommodate a new version of a relationship. But I am trying.

Dating Delirium
In an effort to "move on" and harness the tiny part of me that might be excited by being single again, I have actively announced my single-hood and posted/updated my Personals Ads everywhere. I've received numerous friendly, complimentary responses, which is nice, but 99% are, of course, not compatible with me (based on reading their ads). I am not opposed to going out with someone who appears incompatible with me, but there must be SOMETHING intriguing about that person. Sometimes that intrigue is in their look, sometimes it is in their interests, sometimes it is just intuition.

So today, or sometime this week, I am going on my first date with one of about 4 possibilities I have decided are of interest, with one particular guy in the lead. Ironically, this one is the most interesting, intriguing, and challenging of all of them, with very little in common!

In my fantasies, I always want to date someone "just like me". I have this general idea about what I am attracted to, and lo and behold, I never EVER end up with that kind of person. NEVER. I have NEVER dated someone like me. I can only conclude that there is some freakish part of me that loves the learning more than the idea of comfortable love. I think I have this idea that love must be challenging and stretching of my capabilities.

The first guy (I will call him "C") I am going out with is an adorable, gorgeous, impatient, restless, calloused, homo-hoodlum with a caustic sense of humor and a secretly-huge heart. I think I am attracted to the contradiction within him. He is pierced, defensive, cynical, and arrogant, yet this seems to cloak a creative, gentle, yearning, devoted heart. We have spoken on the phone, exchanged emails constantly, chatted for hours and hours, and developed that strange, deep affection across the internet. I really can't wait to meet him. I am sure that even if we aren't attracted to each other in 3D, we would be very interesting friends to each other.

There are other guys I want to plan to meet and go out with, but I am terrible at that part. I have a hard time "dating around". Once I have met one, I feel like I can't meet any others until I determine what's going on with one. I am weird.

Another guy I am seriously interested in meeting is "M": a very cool, ex-club kid poster boy from the 90s with a genius streak and an over-the-top, semi-famous presence in the NYC underground and across the web. He wrote me in response to my blog when I announced I had been dumped (hi "m"!) I guess he has been a fan of my website and varying incarnations of my blog for about year!

Who knows what will come of the New Year... I have been dumped and I am on the rebound and I am working harder than ever, even joining a gym! It seems so ironic that now that my life is so much more stable, defined, and happy, that my boyfriend would find it important to dump me. Ahhhh, the irony.

DREAMS:

I have been having massively-packed dreams lately, but I couldn't remember them. I remember Friday's and Saturday's, though.

Friday: I dreamt I was walking around Brooklyn Heights with Don and I kind of wanted to go home. It was chilly, grwasn'tand damp out. Don wasn't ready to stop hanging out, I could tell, so I suggested walking across the Brooklyn Bridge. I suggested this, but I remember thinking that surely he would dismiss that option because it was so cold, windy, and late. Instead, he blindly said, "oh! Ok!" I was annoyed, but couldn't back out, so I started making comments as we climbed to the bridge, pointing out how long it was and how it was farther across than it appeared. Don continued oblivious to my disinterest in doing this. As we walked onto the walkway of the bridge, instead of it going straight across, it severely curved upwards like a giant skate ramp. We pushed forward, climbing the ever-steeper incline until the incline literally became vertical enough that you had to climb by hanging onto something. Toward the top, we were actually climbing by sticking our feet and hands into grooves worn into dirt, as if the material of the bridge had now become the side of a very steep hill. We reached the top and found a room. Gently, I began to remember that I had been there before. There were people there, milling about and having cocktails. Some people said hello to me as if they remembered me. I was fascinated by how high we were and wondered how everyone got there. It seemed at this point Don went wandering off. I went to a doorway that led to one of the huge cables that hold the bridge together. I remembered it used to be okay for us to scoot out onto the cables, but people had fallen and died, so it was discouraged. I still found myself hanging onto the thinner cables and standing on the giant barrel cable, working my way out about 10 feet. I suddenly had a flash of a couple of people falling, watching them seem to go in slow motion, and then seeing one of them hit a part of the bridge and slice himself in two. Suddenly I got really nervous and wanted to get back inside, but I also made a note to myself in the dream that the memory of others falling was from a previous lifetime and that I had been one of the people who had worked on building the Brooklyn Bridge!

Saturday: I dreamt I was on the set of part of the filming of the remaking of DAWN OF THE DEAD. Now I can't remember much, but it was scary. I also dreamt that Michael Myers (of Austin Powers fame) had responded to my personals ad! What up wit dat!?

MOVIES:

2 rather disappointing movies seen recently: THE SECRET WINDOW and DAWN OF THE DEAD. Both were very well-done movies overall, but there was nothing of substance to them. I mean, I was not on the edge of my seat, the plots were predictable, and I left feeling nothing. They looked good and should have been exciting, but they were not. I was disappointed in both, even though they were worth seeing. Dawn of the Dead I would see again if in the mood, but Secret Window, I would not. 28 Days Later was much more genius and scary compared to this Dawn of the Dead remake (and I actually liked the original much more). Secret Window was good ONLY because it is such a treat to look at Johnny Depp and watch him act. He is oddly mesmerizing and so likeable. Secret Window, however, is a Stephen King story and is a recycled story of The Dark Half (quote: "Novelist (Tim Hutton) is shocked to discover the alias he uses for some of his books, has manifested itself and is acting on the violent urges and thoughts the author has.") Hello, that's the same story as Secret Window. And I don't know if it is supposed to be tongue-in-cheek, but Timothy Hutton was in this film, too. This film would have done better as an Outer Limits episode.